Bloody Tactless People!

Image by LukeAndrewScowen Photography (2009) via Flickr

Sometimes I ask myself if tact is something you are born with, or something you can aquire. I really don't know, what I know for sure is that I've met plenty of tactless people lately...What I don't like here, in Israel, is the concept of personal space, or, better said, the lack of it. I am used to my own privacy and I don't like to pry in other people's life...Here, Israelis pride themselves with the phrase "we are like a big family", phrase that for me is just a sign of plain nosiness. Here, complete strangers ask you personal questions and they are offended when you refuse to answer...
Anyhow, what I wanted to say is that I was called "grandmother" again...I think that the person saying it expects a different reaction, like being flattered I am such a young grannie; instead, they receive the full power of my glare. Yes, I am in my early forties and I have a 3 years old daughter. Yes, since I had Maya I tend to go out without make-up when I take her to the park or we go shopping for milk and yes, I do have bad hair days just like everybody else and yes, Maya is a blond with blue eyes type of angel and I have dark brown hair and brown eyes and yes, she is gorgeous and I am just plain and ugly...but that doesn't mean I can not be her bloody mother, for heavens sake! And anyway, we live in the 21st century and it is not something that unusual for women to embrace motherhood when in their forties. And yes, I know that Israelis tend to have kids in their twenties, in the religious sector even younger, but still...
Oh, people can be so tactless and I can be so sensitive. But why do they have to say things like :"Look what your grannie bought you" to my daughter? They could say instead :"Look what nice present you received" or stuff like that...
I am asking too much, right.
So, from now on is full make up even when I'll take the garbage out, and maybe I'll have to dye my hair blond...Or maybe I'll just ignore them, "polite" , annoying strangers.

Caught in the Middle

Image by Ruud Raats via Flickr

Caught in the middle
rootless
torn between the what if and the
this is it
of a bleak, anonymous existence
dreams of a glamorous life
wilted flowers in the desert
what I am doing here?
the telephone rings
don't answer it
it's the fate
telling about an unborn future that is already dead
I feel my failure deep in the bones
whenever I start writing
something bad happens
come on tears
flood me and short circuit my brain
filled with senseless fantasies.

A Squeaky Clean Soul

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Yesterday evening, despite being cold and sick I braced myself for a hot shower. I would've prefered a hot bath, but as water is scarce here in Israel, shower is fine by me.

What can I say? It felt sooo good! I felt cleansed, immaculate as I rubbed myself clean. You know, that sensation that your skin and your hair are so clean they squeak? I am big in personal hygyiene because starting my early twenties and on for a decade I suffered from bad skin allergies...

But what about some inner shower? Some method that can help you purge your soul, your inner core? I really wish I'd be able to do that. To wash away all the negative thoughts, bitter memories, anger, dissapointment...and to emerge from this pure and clean, fresh and light, like when you lift a huge weigh from your soul.
I would like a clean, squeaky cleam soul, young and free, untarnished, without any negative residue, to allow me to dream again and to fly in my dreams and to imagine and live high on my imaginary world. Almost like to be born again...

I Lost My Voice!

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Temporarily, I hope. And not my literary voice nor my inner one, no, I lost my voice, literally. I have some sort of virus and lately, after the sore throat I simply lose my voice. I can barely speak, so everybody at home is very pleased, as I cannot scowl anyone. Especially Maya does her best to ignore completely my feeble efforts to talk.
The weather is awful, very windy and cold. And living on the 6th floor, with huge windows that overlook the sea is not such a great thing anymore. The rattle of the windows is scary and sometimes, when a big gale of wind hits them, I am afraid that they will shatter. I don't mind the cold, I love a bit of crisp and clean air, I love the rain, but this freaking wind...it drives me crazy. For two days I've confined myself and Maya to the bedroom, as there the windows are smaller and the room doesn't face the sea.
So, we didn't do much these days. No fabulousness, no spiritual awakening...a lot of playing, crafting, reading and watching Sponge Bob DVDs...And lots of tea with honey for me and propolis drops for my throat.
I hope to be back in a couple of days, feeling better...
And before I go, thank you for the awards, Aine from http://theevolvingspirit.blogspot.com and Heather from http://actingbalanced.blogspot.com . I'll "display" them on my next post, as I want to give them the importance they deserve. Thank you again!

This and That and Virtual Friends

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I am sick. I have a awfully sore throat and I fell weak and shaky. I think that the past couple of weeks I lived on pure andrenaline and now that the levels of it are low, all the viruses and illneses are on me...So I went out - I had to take Maya out for a walk, she's so restless - and bought myself some vitamins and ginko biloba, because my brain doesn't function the way it should. An example: today I forgot my key in the mail box and thank God a nice neighbour took it and called me...You see?
Maya is well and we're still waiting, for test results and for other tests...This morning, for breakfast, she asked for "dots". I didn't understand what did she want, so I took her to the fridge and asked her to show me. It was the dish that I cooked yesterday, some sort of tiny round pasta in three colours that she loved. So, she had lunch for breakfast, and then I gave her what was supposed to be her breakfast at lunch. Speaking of being confused...But as long as she enjoyed it, I didn't really care.
In one of my previous posts, my friend Simha said something like "I hope you have a community there, in Ashdod, with friends who are helping you out during your rough patch". Well, the truth is, I don't have. I am alone here, in Israel, very much alone. One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to find a way of coping with this loneliness. My family is living far away, in Romania, Germany and England...my best friend from high school and junior high is in Romania, another good friend is in Canada...and I'm here, with my family. My husband's parents are dead, he is an only son and he has relatives in Romania and Hungary. Here in Israel he has two cousins, but they live in the north and have enough problems of their own. Maya's godmother Nora is the only friend I have here, in Israel. But she is working in Tel Aviv and by the time she's back in town she is very tired (she is a cancer survivor and she has to take care of herself more than others) so we meet sometimes during week-ends...I have another good friend, Louise, a fellow book lover, but she lives in another city and it is really dificult to find time to meet up. And that is all. My friends are, more or less, "virtual", we don't drink coffees together, don't go out with the kids...There is one more problem here: all the mothers that have children Maya's age are younger than me. Here in Israel people marry young and have kids quickly afterwards. Also, Ashdod's population has a high percent of Russians and usually they keep inside their community. Not to talk about the fact that I am a Christian, and in Israel Christians are the foreign workers and a certain percent of the Arab population. The religious thing doesn't bother me much only when it comes to holidays and traditions, but I can live with that...I love Jewish holidays as much as the Christian ones and we celebrate them all...It is harder to live without friends...It happened a lot of times that I was at home with Maya when she was sick, or I was sick and we didn't have bread or milk or coffee at home and I simply had to wait for the evening, for my husband to come from work because I didn't have anybody to ask this kind of favour...It is sad, really...
Oh, but who cares? I have so many good friends that I've "met" through my blog and Facebook! And thank God for internet and Yahoo Messenger and Skype and international calls and e-mail! I live in a virtual world but that world is chock full of good friends and positive vibes that empower me!

Happy Birthday, My Son!

My son is 24 years old today...My gosh, did the time fly or what? I remember, as if it was yesterday, a very cold winter morning (minus 20 degrees Celsius) in Ceausescu's Romania when my boy came into this world...His childhood was very different from my daughter's. Living in a country that went through a Revolution to get rid of an anachronic regime wasn't very easy. And I was 21, naive and without experience, only with a great desire to do something in life...I raised him by myself mostly, alone, in a city that become my home, our home while struggling to make a living, a a career, to finish my studies. It wasn't easy but we had a great time and I enjoyed raising him...he is now a man with his own life, dreams and aspirations but still my baby boy with big eyes and a sweet smile...

I love you, my son and may life be gentle with you as a mother's touch...

A Difficult Task and an Award

Tony Anders from http://artisanofthehumanspirit.blogspot.com/ passed me an interesting award (thank you, Tony, I love the new "face" of your blog) , the "Honest Scrap" one. The catch is that you have to write ten things that few or no people know about you...The truth is I've been thinking about thi post since I received the award... I am the type of person that sometimes has a storm inside and nobody from the outside ever it.

So, it is like this:

1. People often think I am this curageous, outspoken woman but the truth is, inside I am just a scared little girl. And I don't think there are more than one or two people that know this...

2. I hate old people. To be more specific, I hate old men. My uncle abused me when I was only a little girl and until this day when I see an old man I just keep my distance...I remember that a few days ago in the post office an old man, the creepy type, sat near Maya and I just felt inside me a tidal wave of hate and nausea and I snatched my baby from her seat and hold her tight... She looked at me with her inquiring blue eyes , but said nothing, I think she felt the crazy rythm of my heart...

3. When I was a teenager, I dreamt of being a movie director...

4. Consequently, I lived in a world where actors and plays where the main thing so I fell in love with a young aspiring actor. Today he is an actor in Romania, I even saw him in a movie...

5. Being in love with the aforementioned guy, I stole his door mat. Don't ask me why, it was a dare that I had to do to prove that I loved him...

6. I dream of living on a small island ( I am serious, I would love to...)

7. I pray each night before going to bed. I have been praying like this since childhood. Here. I said it. This is something that nobody jnew...well, until now, that is...

8. I am convinced in one of my previous lives I lived in India. And in another one, here in Israel.

9. I would love to have lots of money, to help other people and to build a sanctuary for abandoned animals. This one is not such a big secret, but still...

10. I always wanted lots of kids. I used to have this dream: me, on a beach somewhere, together with four or five kids, playing and laughing...

The second part of this award/tag is to pick seven blogs to pass on the award to. Hmmm...I am passing on this award to:

1. Hevel Cohen from http://www.my3jewishboys.info/. Hevel is an old friend of mine and even though I don't know him personally, we share a special bond (or at least I hope so). Hevel is the "one of a kind" type of guy and I glad I know him.

2.The fantastic Sari from http://www.sarifarrell.com/. I've started reading her blog only some time ago, but I love and respect her for the way she lives her life...

3. Ottavia from http://www.idontlikemama.com/. A new friend of mine, I've met her through Facebook and I am glad I did...

4. Queenie the Bee from http://bumblebeejuice.blogspot.com/. Such a sweet blog, such a sweet lady!

5. Geanina from http://geaninalisandru.wordpress.com/. If you know Romanian, please visit her blog! She writes absolutely fantastic...her love poems always make my skin tingle...

6.Strawberry Ann from http://strawberryanns.blogspot.com/. Ann lives in Sweden and blogs about her family life. She is new at blogging but I really like her posts and she's oh, so creative!

7. Simcha, my fellow book lover from http://blog.42scifi-fantasy.com/, another good friend. And although Simcha blogs mainly about books, maybe it is time to read something more personal on her blog...

That's it...done it...

Now, a few updates: I am down with a bad case of flu, so we had to postpone Maya's EEG for next week (we had an appointment for tomorrow, but I am feeling so unwell I wouldn't make it). Poor Maya has cabin fever I am not a big help, I jus want to crawl into bed and sleep this flu off, instead I am playing with dolls and having a huge headache...

Thank God it's Thursday!

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Yesterday we didn't have an internet connection, that's the explanation behind my silence. As you know, yesterday Maya had an MRI scan and all I can say is that I am grateful that today is Thursday and I can look back at "yesterday" and be glad it is over. It was very difficult for my baby, she had to fast for 6 hours before the scan, that meant no food and no drinks, no water from 8 o'clock in the morning...But she was so brave and well behaved...The most difficult moments were the ones after the scan, when she woke up from the anesthesia, she wasn't feeling well, she cried a lot...but we were there for her and we hold her and after half an hour she was taking small sips of water and after an hour she was running up and down the hospital halls...
One down...two more to go...Next week Maya is having an EEG and then with all the results we have to go to see the neorologist...the appointment is for the 22nd of February, so still a long time for me to wait and to worry...
I try not to think about it, at least not until we'll know for sure what the problem is. Then, at least, if there will be a problem of some kind, we'll be able to do something about it. I simply hate not being able to act, just to wait, wait, wait...
At least now she is at home with me and she's feeling fine, she is back at being happy, and playful and curious and unstoppable, in general. And as stubborn as a mule...
And myself? Trying not to think negative thoughts, reading to keep my mind busy and being a mother, that is what I am doing these days. I hope everything will settle back in a while because I am not able to write real writing, just this babble of some sorts. I am still confused from all that happened and I just lost my muse somewhere in the whirpools of events that swept me off my feet...

Not So Many Words

Today I am not going to write an actual post. I am going to share with you some pictures...Maya is feeling better and I am enjoying my time with her...Actually, she's back to her favourite posture - on her head, and that means something...You can also see some Sponge Bob crafting that we've done lately...

Wednesday Maya is going to have her MRI scan. Needless so say I am scared stiff...Please mention my baby in your prayers...

A Question of Perspective

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Here, in Israel, I don't really like the city I live in - Ashdod. Although a big and modern city, it lacks the Middle Eastern personality Tel Aviv has, for example...But because here housing is cheaper, we're stuck in it. For now, at least..
I used to complain, a lot, about the city...About the neighbourhood, people, you name it...But, know in the light of the recent events, I think it is only a question of perspective. When we were in the hospital with Maya we had to share a toilet with...I don't exactly know how many, but a lot of people, the shower room didn't have a lock so I had to shower in my underwear. In Israel, the southern you go, the poorer the people ,with a lot of unemployment, no higher education, a lot of shouting. I had to witness hysterical parents that almost lynched the nurses and doctors in the hospital (I agreed with the parents, but still, I wouldn't shout "I am going to kill somebody" even though I wanted to)...We shared a room with 5 sick kids and their parents, the door wouldn't close and so on...So, when we returned home, it was...bliss. My own toilet! Actually, we have two! I took a hot bubble bath and I slept in out bed, with clean, nice smelling sheets.
I am not complaining anymore...I am thankful for what I have... But that doesn't mean I won't move into another town in a couple of years. For now, I'm cool...