Alone in Holy Land

Today

2012-01-31T11:02:00.000+02:00

Today I am happy...and sad...and because of this mixture of feelings that makes me one moment cry and the other grin like crazy, I am here, to share this state of mind of mine with you...
Why, you'll probably ask...
Well, because today it is my son's birthday! His is 26! Twenty -six, can you imagine that? My sweet, quiet and thoughtful boy is TWENTY SIX years old today!
Unbelievable...and still...
I remember like it was yesterday, the day I gave birth to him...It was a cold January, with a clear blue icy sky and a sun that gave you frostbite. When I took him home from the maternity he was bunddled in so many blankets, like a cocoon that whould become the most gorgeous buterfly, and my boots crunched on the frozen snow and I was so happy I could fly!
We went through a lot, me and my son. Since he was three and until he was 13 I raised him alone, me, a poor student that had to work to put food on the table, and he, the quiet and shy boy. We were a team and we succeded to live lots of happy years, even if it very hard sometimes.
And here we are now, mother and son, and he, a young man ready to fly, ready to live...and myself, torn between pride and sorrow, heaven and hell...
Happy birthday, my dear son!
May life by gentle with you and may you find happines and joy in all its moments...

Simply Writing

2012-01-17T17:50:00.005+02:00

Yes, yes, I know, I've been AWOL for too long - more than two weeks...But I have a good explanation, I really do: I have been using all my free time WRITING. As you may know, I am working very hard at a fiction book I began writing a few years ago. It is actually my second book, the first book I wrote was published some fourteen years ago in Romania (I wrote it in Romanian, of course). It is a non-fiction book about Israel. As a journalist I had been many times in Israel and I grew to love this tiny, fierce country, so at some point I gathered all my notes and added some historical facts, geography and such and "Between the Wailing Wall and the Central Bus Station" was born. Then, I fell in love, got married and emigrated to Israel. Worked as a teacher and had my daughter, Maya...Caught in the sticky ropes of everyday living and struggling I forgot about writing...and then, suddenly, this idea popped in my head. And I began writing. It is not an easy process, believe me. I am writing in English and it is harder and more difficult than it would've been if I were writing it in Romanian. But I am getting there and I am not giving up.
So, there...my excuse...
Also, we had our share of seasonal sickness, my and Maya and we also had some crazy, floody, rainy days...
And now I am off...writing, of course...

What to Expect from a Five Year Old Child...

2012-01-01T16:14:00.001+02:00

Needless to say that as a mother I always try to do my best when it comes to my children. Well, my son Darie is old enough to look after himself (although I am still doing his laundry) but I am talking here more about education, about giving them some values to live by. Maybe I am out-of-fashion with my ideas, but I do think that you have, for example, to teach your child to be polite and to greet the neighbours and so say "Good morning" when they enter the kindy and to say "Thank you" when they receive something.
Maye I am overreacting, maybe I exagerate, but please, hear me out first and give me an advice, please!
My question is, what to really expect from a, let say, 5 (almost 6) years old kid? And I am talking here about Maya's collegues and friends from the kindy. Maybe I am the one that asks too much from them, maybe I am the one that is raising a freak...polite and well behaved, but still a freak.
For example, Maya has a "friend" at the kindy, same age, they know each other since they were aproximately 3...When we went to Eilat, Maya wanted to buy her and another girl a present. We agreed about something small (and not so expensive) so we bought both of them sea-shell decorated boxes. Maya was so thrilled and so she gave them the pressies as soon as she returned to the kindy...Now, her so called friend gave the box to another girl, just like that...Nedless to say, Maya was very upset and kept telling me that and also asking me why did her friend what she did. I, for the love of God, didn't know what to say...I mean, they are 5 yo kiddos, but still...I don't exactly know what I babbled to Maya because I didn't want her to be hurting and I knew I couldn't discuss with her like I would with a grown up...Maybe I should've confront Maya's friend, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Still, I am asking myself now, what on Earth made that girl pass on the present she received from Maya...
There is also another girl, they are going to the same kindy only from the beginning of this school-year but know each other since they were babies, as we are neighbours. They played together in the park a lot when they were small...now, somehow, they wanted to continue with the friendship...but now the girk doesn't want to play or even talk (!!!) to Maya! Why? Well, last week we got some tickets for a movie from my husband's workplace, as a Hanukkah gift. I didn't ask Maya not to tell at the kindy, so she told her "friend" about it...And now the girl is not talking to Maya because, as she says, Maya didn't invite her to the movie as well... and Maya tells me that she is always at her and making faces and refuses to talk or play with my daughter....Maya tried to explain that the tickets were a present and that the show was only for the people working with her dad. And truly, it was a kind of "closed door event" as we received popcorn, soft drinks, coffee and tea and doughnuts... Again, Maya is simply perplexed and sad, as she thought she had a friend in the respective girl...
So, what to do?
How to react?
What to expect from a five year old?
Is this kind of behaviour accepted for this age?
Am I ovverreacting?
Too many questions...and I really don't have the answers for them.
Nedless to say, my daughter is upset and it breaks my heart to see her hurting...

Please help me out and tell me what you think...
I am afraid that I am a bit rusty when it comes to kids' social interaction and I fear I won't be able to help Maya when she will be older...
I want her to have friends, girl friends like I had when I was her age and to enjoy their friendship...
Oh, when it became life this complicated for a five years old?

Looking Back to 2011 - The Movies

2011-12-31T18:39:00.000+02:00

Instead of making new year resolutions I thought it would make a nice change if I'll write about the defunct year, 2011, in retrospective. About the things we loved in 2011, about things we did, all in all about what deserves to be mentioned, about memories that pay to be cherished and put away for safe keeping.
First things that pops into my mind are the movies we enjoyed in 2011 (even if it wasn't the year they were produced).
I have to start with the last Harry Potter movie, I loved it and in a sense it closed a circle for me, giving me the feeling of content. It was an end worth of all the other movies and books and the feelings I invested in them. But I don't think I have to tell you about this movie, I think it met everbody's expectations and it signified, in a sense, the end of an era.

There is another movie - a documentary, to be exact, that leads in our preferences (mine and Maya's). I watched it first, it was a late night broadcast, and I remember with clarity. I was feeling very poorly at that moment, and having a panic attack when I came upon the documentary and it literally pulled me out from my of desperation and pain. Then, the next morning (as I recorded it) we watched it with Maya and she loved it so much it became part of our household. We are still watching it at least once a week (sometimes several times) and we haven't grown bored yet. It is, of course, "Babies", the documentary that follows one year in the life of four babies in Namibia, Japan, Mongolia and the United States of America. If you haven't seen it yet, I strongly recommend it, it is sweet and interesting, fascinating and exciting like films about babies usually are.

We also discovered 3D movies. I must say that even I, as an adult, enjoyed the experience and I am always looking forward to see another one. Up until now we watched "Kung- Fu Panda 2" and "Puss in Boots".

For me, personally, it was the year of TV series. I discovered I didn't have the patience for full lenght movies, so I went for the shorter ones. There were many TV series, old and new, that kept me awake at night. I am talking about "Teenage Wolf", "Being Human" (the British original series), "Falling Skies" - waiting patiently for the second series, "Terra Nova" and of course, "The Walking Dead" - loved it.
I also loved watching for the millionth time British sitcoms, like "Keeping Up Appearances" - my favourite, "Hi-de-Hi" - another great one, "My Family " and such.

What were your favourites for 2011?

So Annoyingly Annoying

2011-12-29T22:30:00.002+02:00

It is past ten o'clock in the evening, Maya is asleep, my husband too, even Dasha the cat is napping somewhere in the house...No television, because there is some technical malfunction and the cable TV stopped working in our building...so only some soft lullabies on the CD player...
I leave the comfort and softness of my bed (and Cassandra Clare's "The Clockwork Prince") to work on my book...the house is quiet and I began my tedious work of editing...but...wait...what the heck is that? Only my (deaf) neighbour listening to the radio FULL volume. I mean full - full because I hear with clarity the broadcast.
I absolutely hate my neighbours, I am sorry to say that. I mean the ones that live above us...They are a middle-aged posh know it all type that don't give a fart about others...Sometimes they go out at night and live the radio blasting till the wee hours of the morning, sometimes they have guests and move around their furniture all night long...all king of annoying stuff...
And it put me off any intellectual activity because I am not able to concentrate as I am hearing the blah-blah-blah from the blasted radio.
So, it this another lesson I need to learn? Maybe, buy some earplugs and get the work done?
Believe me, I would've liked to be in bed, snug and warm, but I can write only at night...well, cannot, obviously, not today...
OK, I think I have my MP3 player somewhere...and it has earphones...I could try...but I don't like not being able to listen to Maya's sleeping noises...I am so annoyed now I will stop writing this post because I don't want to say something I'll regret later (and maybe I'll go and have a word with my neighbour)...

2011-12-29T17:06:00.001+02:00

When we're young we dream about moving mountains, about changing the world...But as we grew older, we understand that not each and every one of us has the tenacity to do it, to finish what one started...to be strong enough to overcome whatever life put in your way of fulfiling your dreams.
I ask myself if I am young enough to be alowed to continue dreaming...or am I too old for it?
When do you stop and aknowledge defeat?

While I was writing this I was also making myself a cup of coffee - espresso machine. Of course I was so deep in thoughts I forgot about it and when I ran to the kitchen the coffee was spilling from the cup...so...my cup runneth over...is it a sign? Is the Universe trying to tell me something?

No New Year Resolutions for Me

2011-12-29T17:00:00.000+02:00

I am very tired today...last night I didn't sleep much...Maya fell and cut her upper lip pretty badly and at some point during the night when I checked on her she had blood around her mouth. I think at some point her wound opened while she was asleep. I was so scared when I saw her...I cleaned her up and she opened up her eyes for a second only to fell asleep in the blink onfg an eye....but afterwards I was so wired up I couldn't sleep myself. I kept checking on her, she slept soundlessly and she was fine. But you know me, I panicked...Anyhow, here in Israel the New Year is not celebrated like in christian countries and tomorow is a working day, so I am looking forward to an early night, maybe some television , a good book and a cup of tea. We had a celebratory lunch instead of the usual dinner and I thought about my family, they are gathered at my brother's house in Romania and having a blast. I miss them so much it hurts!
So, for a million reasons and some, I am not going for New Year resolutions this year. I never follow through anyway and I end up felling a failure...
But, there are certain things that come to my mind when I think about the upcoming year... I definitely need to laugh more and even when I don't have reasons, I have to make them...you know, like create my own private jokes, to last me through good and bad.
I also need to be a better person, definitely. A better mother, a better wife, a better friend, sister, daughter...well, it is dificult when your family is half a world away, but I will try.
And of course, I need to finish my book. This is essential for me. Don't ask me way...that's the way I feel.
In the end, I think I have to simply LIVE, to enjoy each moment that I was granted, to be thankful for every morning I open my eyes to (sunny or not), for the good things I have in life, for the people that I call my family, for my friends (close or far away).
So, a Happy New Year my dear friends, the best year ever, filled with happines, joy, laughter and good deeds!

The Best Christmas Ever

2011-12-25T20:19:00.003+02:00

If you've been reading my blog for, lets say, more than one year, you'd know by now that I get very-very depressed around major holidays, as I miss my family and my home country.
It is very hard to let go of thinks you are familiar with and memories and traditions you love and cherish, so Chirstmas here in Israel it has been a struggle, especially in the past years.
So, this year it came as a HUGE, and I mean IMENSE surprise, as my husband took me to a trip to Nazareth, for the Christmas Eve. It was an organised trip, so it has a guide and that way was easier to find the attractions and not get lost in the old city.

To my surprise, Nazareth was dressed for Christmas all right. It was actually the first time since I've been living here that I saw Christmas decorations in an israeli city, complete with a huge decorated fir tree, street lights, decorated shops and people and kids sporting red Santa hats.

We visited the beautiful Basilica of the Announciation (the Roman catholic one), I was there before , some 14 years ago when I was traveling the country and writing my book about Israel. I loved thae Basilica then and I admired once again the different renditions of the Virgin Mary. My favourite is the Japanese one...it is so refreshing to see that for them, the Virgin Mary was...well...very similar to a Japanese woman, as for baby Jesus...Japanese as well. But the piece of art was really exquisite, as well as other ones, like the Black Polish Mary, or the Indian one...

I cannot tell you how happy I was to be there, soaking up the festive atmosphere...We watched the Christmas parade and the fireworks and listened to carols in Arabic...

The only drawback was that the trip was a no-kids one, so Maya had to stay at home...But she was pretty happy, as her brother and his girlfriend babysat her - and she adores both of them, and she ate ice-cream and chocolates and God knows what else, because when we finally returned home, somewhere around 9 o'clock in the evening, we found her as high as a kite, on sweets and sisterly love...But I promised myself as I hugged her and kissed her sweaty curls that next year we'll go together...

(The pictures that accompany this post aren't mine, for some reason I cannot upload my own from my computer to the blog, they all come up garbled...if anyone has any idea how to fix this, I would be happy to know it...)

Happy Hanukkah !

2011-12-20T17:20:00.000+02:00

This evening Hanukkah begins, so it is the time for doughnuts, chocolate coins and of course, the candles in the hanukkiah. I think deep inside in each child lives a pyromaniac...

Happy Hanukkah!

Maya celebrated it today at the kindy and it was lots of fun...From all the Jewish holidays , it is my favourite one...

She is My Guardian Angel

2011-12-12T09:24:00.001+02:00

Today I am going to tell you about a very special person...I am calling her my guardian angel, and you know what, I really believe she is one...People like her are oh, so rare, and I consider myself blessed for meeting her.
I met Agy more than 15 years ago, back in Romania. I was a young career woman and single mother, struggling with life in a new , post-communist Romania. She was my cleaning lady...Well, that was in the beginning...because, in time, she became my friend, my confessor, she took care of me, cooked meals for my son and waited for me when I came from work exhausted, with a cup of coffee and an understanding ear. Only one year my senior she was like a mother to me because she has wisdom beyond her age. She was my sister because she has a true, tender and loving heart and she knows how to listen. Truly listen. She was my best friend because she wasn't afraid to tell me the truth even if she knew it would hurt and then it was there to wipe my tears.
After I left Romania and come to live in Israel she stayed there and took care of my "affairs" (I have an apartment that I rent) and then she "adopted" my mother-in-law and became her friend and helper and guardian angel until the her last days...When my mother in law passed away, Agy was there and not her son, and she made the funeral arangements and now she is the one that goes to the cemetery and lights a candle on her grave...
Twice a year, on Easter and Christmas she sends us presents, each summer when we travel to Romania, she is there and takes care of everything for me, gives me one of her mobile phones, brings me flyers for take-aways and does my washing, take us fishing and spends hours entertaining Maya, which adores her.
And she is like this with everyone around her...
She is a simple woman, no higher education, no fancy life...just a simple, hard-working woman, and believe me, she works hard...but every person that knows her loves and respects her. Because she is honest, above all, and has a heart the size of a continent.
I consider myself lucky and I thank God for the day when our paths crossed because I know that He sent Agy to watch over me. She is an angel. And I love her.
The words are too poor to describe the depth of my thankfulness, to tell you more about the woman that touched our lives and made them better.
I am just telling this: Thank you Agy, from the bottom of my heart. I love you.
And this song is for you:

Red Sea in a Box

2011-12-11T15:04:00.001+02:00

We had a quiet Saturday at home, with Friday's alarm and rockets and me still feeling green around the gills. And so I had a daughter to entertain. And because last week we had a trip to Eilat - I know, I didn't say, I wanted to, but with the food poisoning and stuff I wasn't in the mood but I'll put some pictures, I promise - as I was saying, because of Eilat we did a "Red Sea in abox" kind of craft, from playdough. It came out surprisingly nice and Mayatook it today to the kindy to show it to the kids...

Have a nice and quiet week!

Do You Want to Lose More Than Six Pounds in Two Days ? - Try This Diet

2011-12-10T12:13:00.001+02:00

No, no, no...I am just kidding...Don't try this...In fact, don't ever do what I did...
never- ever, promise?
But I made you curious, didn't I? What kind of wonder diet would it allow you
to lose this amount of weight in two days? Well...to end the suspense,let me tell
you :
FOOD POISONING!!!
Yep, that what I've got...
It was was I deserved, really, as I went on Wednesday to the weekly open market
and bought some snacks to munch on...Rule number one: Never buy food that is
presented on open stalls in markets...In Israeli markets they have this tables
where they put huge quantities of different varieties of roasted and salted nuts,
and everybody comes and takes a handfull and shove them into their months...
only God know hows many germns are there lurking on the snacks...So I was
stupid and I fell into the sin of glutony and I paid the price...Believe me, I paid
it dearly...I was so sick I thought (honestly) that I would die. I couldn't eat or
drink anything (only sips of mint tea and my daughter's rehydration solution) because I couldn't keep anything in...After the trips to the toilet ended, on Thursday night, I think, I was feeling so weak I barely could stand...but I managed to sleep a bit and on Friday morning I began to fell better. Now it is Saturday morning and I am still shaky and my bum is awfully sore (don't laught, it is the truth!). I am grateful to God that it ended and I am still alive but my goodness, I thought I would die. Apart from the obvious digestive problems my body hurt, all my muscles and bones and I thought my head wouls explode...
So, rest assured, from now on I will think twice about where to buy and what to buy...I don't usually do what I did last Wednesday...but, as you can see...you don't pay attention once and you pay the price thousandfold...
So now you know the story behind the 6 pounds that I lost in two days...and don't do like me...

And yes, everything looks colorful and nice...but I say, be aware of taking chances when you buy...

(the picture is from the the green prophet site)

Saint Nicholas in (the) Rubber Boots

2011-12-06T15:35:00.001+02:00

When we were kids in poor, communist Romania, on Saint Nicholas Eve we used to put our boots on the windowsill and wait for presents. They were usually sweets and oranges, a book or some crayons...but the joy was unmeasurable. It meant so much for us...
Now, here, in Israel, I try to put together a holiday, to built a tradition for my daughter. We don't have a windowsill as windows are different in our apartment and only rubber boots for the rainy season but my daughter's smile was worth more than I invested. Her joy was my joy as a mother and the child in my soul was happy with and for her.
As I said before, it is not easy to be different in Israel, but this is what I know, what I grew up with, this is what my souls resonates to...I do my best to offer my daughter my heritage and also to let her learn the ways of this country, and let her be to one to choose for herself. I just hope I'll have the strenght to stand for her whatever she chooses...

Cool Craft - Recyclable Noah's Ark

2011-11-23T09:23:00.001+02:00

This is a project we've been working at as a family. Maya and her daddy started it and because my husband is very short on free time, I helped Maya finish it.

It is for the kindy and it has to be from recycled materials, ours is from a milk carton and a shoe box. We drew inspiration from here: Milk Carton Noah's Ark.

What I liked about our project it is that it looks like it's done by a five year old kid, with a bit of help. The other arks I saw at the kindy where magnificent works of art, obviously done by the parents.

How do you feel about it? When you kid has to do a project for school, do you work with her/him, encourage them or you simply do the prtoject for them because "I don't have time for this stuff".

And of course, my sweet baby is case showing our work. Love you, princess!

Autumn Treasures

2011-11-19T17:35:00.001+02:00

Who said we don't have autumn here in Israel?

A trip to Canada Forest on a sunny week-end (now it is raining cats and dogs here) and we came back with a bagfull of autumn treasures, lots of sunshine and laughter...

I Am Furious

2011-11-16T15:40:00.001+02:00

OK, so today I am furious...fuming, actually...there are too many things that bother me that I cannot simply sit and shut up. Even though I know that writing all down won't help, not even a tiny bit, at least I'm getting it of my chest...
First thing...Maya's kindergarten is a WASTE OF TIME, believe me. She is in the year before going to school and they are supposed to learn the basics, you know, letters, numbers and such. We decided to enroll her in that specific kindy because we heard the teacher there was very good...but this year, surprise, they got a new teacher! The old one took early retirement - I've heard later through the grapevine that she had a very difficult year because of some parents. So, good for her. Not so good for us...
I also have another kindy related problem, but I think in this one I am alone...I absolutely hate the way they take care of the kids. I know there are only one teacher and one helper at 32 kids, but...still... Nobody pays attention if the kids eat all they luch or not (lately, Maya has been coming home with the food barely touched in her lunchbox), if they fall and hurt themselves. Sometimes, when I take Maya home she looks like she's been in a battle or something...literally. I don't say to mollycoddle them, but for Heaven's sake, they are 5 year old kids! Teach them to take care of themselves, not just let them figure it out...
Today the weather was awful, cold and windy, and nevertheless they spent time outside. Maya told me "her head was cold" (she didn't have a hat as I couldn't imagine somebody sane to send the kids outside to play in such a weather, I gave her a headband but she didn't find it). As we live near the sea, the winds tend to be very strong in the autumn-winter..
It is very difficult for me to understand all this... Even if I come from a country considered poor and with uneducated people, believe me, it is not!
My husband keps telling me that I have too high expectations, but when my kids are concerned, I don't consider them that way...
Oh, and another issue...we are dealing here in Israel with an on/off doctors' strike. I won't bore you with the details as the story began in the summer when the country's resident doctors began a strike, followed by mass resignations. I thought they solved their differences with the Ministries, but this morning I read in the newspaper (Haaretz in English, the best) that a great number of senior physicians "resigned to show of support for beleaguered residents" (I qouted from the newspaper). I don't want to start on the subject of doctors, because, if you've been reading my blog you already know I have my issues with them. But, come on, what is it, some sort of game? I mean, they are doctors, they have to put the interests of their patients first (yeah, as if). OK, the money problem is a reality but aren't they supposed to figure out something while not letting people die because nody cares or treats them? What about the Hippocratic oath?
My head hurts...I fell like I live in some sort of Kafkian reality and I'm going in circles, round and round...to nowhere...Nobody knows, nobody cares and I feel so frustrated that I could scream...
I guess at least I have to sort out the things where I have a say - like Maya's kindy. I'll start talking to other parents, see if they are OK with our kids not learning anything. Oh, everything is such a waste of time! I don't even know why am I writing this...because I don't feel better. At all...So I'll go.

Thank God for "Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays" at Shell's blog...

Go and visit. I'll be there...

You Are Lonely When...

2011-11-14T11:13:00.000+02:00

...there is nobody to talk to about...favourite movies or British sitcoms or urban fantasy books or the book you are working at...
... there is nobody to have a cup of coffee or tea with, so you're going by yourself, loud music blaring in your earphones, to block all the silence that comes crashing on you...
...there is no shoulder to cry on when your daughter is sick...or you are sick...or you just need a cuddle...and there is nobody there to hold you...
...there is nobody to laugh with...
...

Eventful Days...

2011-11-09T11:40:00.000+02:00

Even though I said I'd write more, the past days were pretty eventful...so now that I am more (or less) relaxed about what happened, I can sit and talk about it.
First of all, Maya had her first playdate from the new kindy...and boy, did it end in tears...Our cat, Dasha, scratched the girl (on her face) as she wouldn't let the cat alone, no matter how many times I asked her to. I was lucky enough that her mother was there at that moment (came to pick her up) and she saw the scene, otherwise only God knows what she would've thought about the red, angry lines on her daughter's face. I disinfected hjem, give her some antibiotic ointment and pray that it will go away without any complications. Dasha is a house cat, imunized, clean and all...and she scratched us (especially Maya) lots of times, before we learned to interpret her body language and understand when she wants to be left alone.
I hope the girl will be all right, her mum was very understanding (once again, I am glad she saw when it happened) and that the girls will remain friends...
Well, if that wasn't enough, it was Maya's turn afterwards...She had a nasty accident at the kindy: during the sports lesson, another girl fell down and Maya didn't see her and tripped over and knocked her mouth on the other girls head. I didn't see it right away when I took her from the kindy, as she ran away to the swings in the park (the kindy is near a small park), I saw it a few minutes later...and I thought I'd pass out...She had a fat lip (mainly half of it) and said it hurts "a bit"...Then, when I looked more atentively I saw that she had a blod clot on her inner part of the lip and the upper gum was a bit swollen. She didn't complain much, we even went to her weekly swimming lesson, I gave her in the evening "Nurofen" and kept her at home today.
What bothers me in all this malarkey is the fact that it happened during the sports lesson and the sports teacher didn't see it (in fact, nobody saw her swollen lip all day afterwards). When I asked Maya where was the teacher when it happened she said that "she was talking with our kindy teacher and all the kids were running around"...Well, tomorow I am going to give them a piece of my mind...I know it is not easy to watch over 30 kids, but as I understood from Maya during the sports lesson they are divided into two groups, one is playing and the other is participating in the lesson. And anyhow, the kids are their responsability as long as they are in the kindy...
Well, I won't say anymore, I am just grateful it wasn't worse, it'll pass in a couple of days with lots of TLC and I hope she'll pay more attention next time (as she is a bit "head in the clouds" type of kid).

Quiet Morning...But Not For the Reasons You'd Imagine...

2011-10-30T08:52:00.000+02:00

It is Sunday morning and it is so quiet outside....In Israel the working week begins on Sunday and at this hour of the day it is usually very noisy and busy outside our window.
But not today...The south of Israel is under fire (again) and after an afternoon, night and morning of sirens and rockets and stuff we were advised to stay closed to "protected areas", that means inside buildings. There is no school in the south today so I'm at home with Maya. I always try to keep calm, for her sake, as she picks any small change in my mood...It is difficult, though. We were woken at 6.30 in the morning by the alarm today and we hardly found our way to the hall. Because we don't have a protected room in the apartment we have to get out from it and wait into the hall. The latest from the Home Front says we are supoosed to wait for at least 10 minutes in the protected area after we hear the alarm as there are usualyy more than one rocket on its way...
I don't know for how long I can keep it together. It is not fair to have a 5 years old daughter who says :"Mummy, go and check the internet to see where did the rocket fall" or to be told stories about their protected room in the kindergarten...She says that I don't have to worry, because they have toilets and water and plastic cups in there...she is only 5 years old, for God's sake, she doesn't have to know about stuff like that....Sometimes she is more grown up about the situation than me...

Since yesterday afternoon more than 30 rockets hit the south of Israel, killing one man and injurying five others...one rockets here in Ashdod fell on some cars in a car park, destroying around 9 cars and bringing panick to the neighbourhood.
May God protect us!

Dream....Interrupted

2011-10-27T10:14:00.001+02:00

Dream....Interrupted

The shrieking vail of the siren, another alarm,
and the dream implodes behind the eyelids
impaling them in thin, broken shards.

In between the up and down undulating sound
and the rocket hitting the ground
hard
there is a general silence
a huge breath holding
and them
the mighty
BOOM

we all exhale
and do a body check
a body count
is everyone all right?

"Mummy, who are the people that make the rockets
to kill mothers
and babies?"

Gather around you the tattered night
and go to sleep
my precious
you have to finish your dream.

Ashdod
2011

Happy Birthday To...Me!

2011-10-22T16:35:00.000+02:00

Well, yes, today it is my birthday...don't ask me how old I am because I am not going to tell you that...Anyhow, for the past years, on my birthday I used to sit and think about what I achieved the year that had passed...and I am ashamed to say...not much...for the last five years and so I've been staying at home, raising my daughter...You should say that has been an achievement in itself and I am going to contradict you. It is great to be a mother to my daughter Maya, she is a special child and I enjoy every moment I spend with her. But I sometimes feel I ought to do something for myself, to be something else, not just "Maya's mother". So I have been writing...I used to be a professional journalist so writing was (and still is) an important part of my life, of who I was (of who I am). I published a book before, it was strictly written in a journalistic style. Now, I write fiction....Because, as you may know, if you have been reading my blog, I miss my homeland (Romania) savagely, I thought that writing a book that would have its background in the Romanian folklore would help me deal with my longing. Since that idea popped into my head I struggled with my writing, as I write only at night and I absolutely cannot write when Maya is sick, for example...but the book took shape anyway, because I felt it had to be written...It is not finished yet, and it is still a struggle....but I am going to make a promise to myself...to come here next year, same date, same hour, to tell you that I finished the book...What do yo say? Deal?
And this with thought, I wish you all that celebrate today your birthday "Many Happy Returns of the Day" and may God grant you peace and health...

2011-10-14T22:54:00.000+02:00

Mummy, the sea is a marvelous place, isn't it?

What Kind of Mother Am I?

2011-10-13T21:09:00.000+02:00

I really don't know what to do...I alternate between plucking my hair out by handfulls, breaking something or...I don't know...I feel sooooooooooo frustrated, so frustrated...
And because I don't have anybody to talk to, I'll just sit here and talk to myself (that's the feeling but who cares, I have to take it out or I'll explode).
So, since Saturday Maya was sick, a stomach bug and some coughing, really bad coughing. I took her to the hospital, her doctor, everywhere, I did whatever they told me to do...Maya is not vomiting and doesn't have diarheea anymore, because now she is constipated. For crying out loud!!! Yesterday she felt OK so she ate well. In the evening she said she had a tummy ache, I gave her some Nurofen and she went to sleep. She slept OK, woke up fine...
During the day she didn't eat much and again said her tummy hurts...I gave her plenty to drink and let her be. We even took her to the seaside, she played there and didn't complain of anything, she didn't even cough...Back home, again, her tummy hurts and she starts coughing...
What in the name of God am I missing here???
I feel like the biggest failure in the entire world and helpless and....I didn't sleep since Saturday, I am functioning like an automaton, open me and I'm all clockwork...
What to do, what to do? I want my baby to be healthy and enjoy herself...My heart breaks when I hear her "Mummy, my tummy hurts..."
What kind of a mother am I if I cannot help my girl?
Here is Israel there is the Sokkot holiday now, so it is difficult to navigate between holidays when nobody's working, to find a doctor that really gives a shit.
Tomorow I'll try to get her to another doctor and to ask for some tests, X-ray, ultrasound, anything...I simply cannot sit back and wait...for what? The illness to go by itself?
Maybe I am exaggerating, I don't know. But I believe in "better to be safe than sorry" stuff...

There Has To be More Than This...

2011-10-11T11:01:00.000+02:00

There has to be more to life than this...there has to be...
Maya is still sick and she is a very difficult "patient". Doesn't want to take any medication - she vomits the pepto-bismuth for diarheea, doesn't want to drink Coke....she has a very bad case of tummy bug but without her cooperating, I am afraid we'll make it to the hospital...again...I know she is is pain and it's only a little girl...But how do you treat a very stubborn sick child? She has to drink and eat, despite her tummy ache, it is the only was she won't become dehydrated and her body will flush out the nasty virus...
It is soooooo frustrating....and my heart breaks when I see her suffer...
I think I also have the bug, I hope it is the same as Maya's and didn't take something else from the hospital...
Speaking of hospitals...here the health system is also very sick...the doctors were in and out striking for some time now, a month ago aproximately 500 residents handed in their resignations, and today the resignations were put into effect...generating the worst crisis of the health system here, in Israel...I am sure their actions are justified...but still, there are sick people out there...
You know what I think? That we are living in a very selfish world, were is only "dog eats dog". Everybody cares only about their own good and welfare, politicians , businessmen and doctors alike. Doctors want bigger wages, the government doesn't give them anything...so what if some people will die because of the grave shortage of doctors...Yesterday, hundreds of operations had to be postponed because the doctors didn't show up...I don't know, in these circumstances I cannot feel solidarity with their cause...I really can't.
So Please God help us all...Otherwise I'll loose any hope in humanity...

A Rather "Adventurous" Yom Kippur (Atonement Day)

2011-10-10T14:43:00.000+02:00

A few days ago I complained to my husband that I have a very boring life and that I wouldn't mind some adventures...Well, I didn't have in mind the "excitement"of Yom Kippur - The Atonement Day. As all Jewish holidays Yom Kippur starts at sunset, so this year it statred at aproximately 5 o'clock on Friday and it ended on Saturday evening. First of all, you have to know that Yom Kippur is a day when Jews fast (no food or water for 25 hours), there are no programs on the TV, all shops and similar are closed, no cars, no public transportantion, nothing. Not even medical care...and here it comes my adventurous day...
Maya was very sick, some kind of stomach bug- bad vomiting and diarheea, also she was having some kind of coughing fits, that left her breathless. So there was my sweet daughter, pale as a sheet, with her lips turning blue...I panicked...But, no doctors, no emergency room in Ashdod and we don't have a hospital in the city. The nearest one is at aproximately 60 km and you cannot drive on Yom Kipur...The clock was ticking , Maya was chocking so I did what every mother would've done, I called the ambulance...They arrinved pretty quicly, but unfortunately witout a doctors, only two paramedics. They couldn't do anything, just took her blood pressure and sugested to take Maya to the hospital, as her vomiting got worse and she was complainig of tummy aches...
So, of we went...my husband remained at home, to be coming to the hospital at the end of the fast day, when he could drive...
At the hospital they didn't do much...didn't care to much about her stomach bug and tried to ease her cough, didn't do any blood work only a urine test...We were at the hospital for more that four hours and after getting very frustrated of their lack of interest I asked to be released. Also, the fast was over and the ER was getting full by the moment by sick kids...
So we took her home....Fortunately she was feeling better...I took her the next day to her doctor and continued with the tests...he was mildly dehydrated so I had to monitor her liquids intake (she wasn't dehydrtaed enough to be put on a drip, that's what they told us)...
So on top of the fact that I was furious because of the way they treated my baby at the hospital, what really bothered me was the fact that we were charged for the ambulance and for the ER (we didn't have a from a doctor) BUT how on Earth was I supposed to get otherwise to the hospital when there are NO CARS allowed on Yom Kipur and NO MEDICAL ASSISTANCE!!! What was I to do? I know I panick easily when Maya is concerned, but I don't think anyone would judge me on this, I am a mother and my kids well being is on the top of my priorities' list...
I am prepared to go to the healthcare organization and ask for a refund. I don't think it is fair to be charged when we didn't have any other alternative...I am just waiting for Maya to get better...
I am very dissapointed by the quality of the medical act here, in Israel but you already know that....The only thing I can do is to pray for the health of my family and not to depend on any doctors...

(The picture is from the Haaretz newspaper website. You can find there some nice pictures showing the empty streets on Yom Kippur)

I Would've Liked Some Help...

2011-10-03T12:37:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I experienced (again) the shortcomings of being here all by myself, alone, with no friends or family....

Saturday night we went with Maya to the Asuta hospital in Tel Aviv because she had to have a polysomnography. You know, you go to sleep and then you're connected to all those machines and they check you're functions while you sleep. With Maya it was necessary because she has sleep apnea and we want to know if it affects her (and at what degree), why and what is to be done...Anyway, to cut a long story short , I stayed with her overnight in the hospital...it was a difficult and sleppless night for me (fortunately, Maya had slept through all the somnography thing). I had to keep an eye on Maya because I was afraid she'll get strangled by all the cables and stuff that she had on and around her. Also, the armchair I had in the room was very unconfortable and made an awful noise whenever I shifted...We arrived at home in the morning the next day and while Maya was well rested and full of energy, I was sooooo tired my body was simply shaking . I asked Maya to stay with me in our bedromm and watch some TV while I rest for a while. I had to because at a certain point I was feeling nausesous from fatigue. She didn't really want but reluctanly agreed so while I was sleeping with an eye open I was gripping my daughter's T-shirt - I wanted to be able to feel if she decided to wander away. Even though she is 5 and I good girl, I don't like her wandering about in the apartment by herself. O f course I could sleep and rest properly and when I finally went to bed at 8 o c'lock in the evening (after I put Maya to bed) I fell into a coma like sleep and woke up with a very stiff neck and right shoulder...

During moments like those of yesterday I feel the burden of loneliness....It would've be such a bliss to be able to ask a relative or a friend to keep an eye on Maya for two hours...paradise....but no, I had to drink litres of coffee and prop my eyes open with toothpicks (just kidding). In moments like those I regret the decision of coming here...I am not sure back home in Romania I would've had someboy to help me, but at least I can fool myself it could've been different.
Also, yesterday was a sort of eye-opener for me (literally and figuratively speaking). I realized I am exhausted, usually a selpless night doesn't shatter me to pieces like that. So, I decided to take care of me better, for the sake of my daughter, at least. I have to pay more attention to what I eat, take my vitamins and do sport regularly...If nobody is here to help me I have to do it....

Shana Tova! Happy New Year!

2011-09-28T14:53:00.000+02:00

From all my heart, to all of you celebrating the Jewish New Year, I wish you a sweet and happy new year, filled with happines and peace.

BACK

2011-09-23T07:48:00.000+02:00

My dear, dear readers....don't be mad at me...there are some good reasons behind my prolonged silence on the bloggy front...just not ready to talk about them...I almost gave up on this blog...but then, after thinking about it, I realized it is one of the best things that happened to me in the past couple of years...so I will still be here, if you'll want me (well, even if you won't...).
What can I say?
In August we were in Romania, my homeland...and it was a sweet and bitter kind of thing....so glad to be there, to see my family and friends...to be able to understand what was going on...to be at home...the glitch was that I returned from there even emptier and hollower than I was before. It was like my inner being was carved out, leaving me breathless and desoriented...once more...
I swore to God I'd go back some day....
But today I'll draw some strenght from the memories of the beautiful places I saw...

Yhse are only a few pictures from the hundreds I took...But Blogger didn't want to work with me today, as I couldn't upload any more pictures. But not to worry...I'll find a way...

Let Sleeping Cats (and Kiddos) Lie

2011-07-31T16:33:00.000+02:00

I don't think these pictures require captions or anything...as they are self-explanatory...I really envy our cat, though, she is able to sleep wherever she pleases and whenever she feels she should...

Summery Offerings To Say "Forgive Me"...

2011-07-30T21:37:00.000+02:00

I am really sorry I am not a serious and perseverent blogger as I should be...I had so many issues going on that I forgot this blog is one of the good things in my life...And because you are the best readers a blogger could ask for, Maya and I went to the shouk and bought you some lemons and mint for a cold lemonade and a sweet mango for later.
We hope you all have a great summer!
And keep visiting our blog! I promise to at leas try and post more often...

So, What Do You Think We're Doing All Day?

2011-07-07T12:54:00.001+02:00

Even if I have been so unwell (physically and mind-wise) don't you think, even for a second, that I haven't been fulfilling my duties as a mother. I try very hard to go on with our daily routine and for Maya to have a normal life...even if her mama is a bit...you know...gone with the fairies...
So, what are we up to these days?

Well, when it is too hot outside (oh, and in Israel this time of year can be very hot and humid) we build forts and castels

play with rice,

We make playdough pies and cakes

oh, and Maya likes to dress up, too...

We learn to read and write - thank you Carissa from 1+1+1+1, please visit her blog as she has some fantastic materials there!

We paint and draw a lot...

as you can see, Dasha really appreciates Maya's creations...

During sunny mornings we make bubbles and three times a week Maya goes swimming!

And after all this hard work, one can relax...even if it means sitting in a basin...

...or eating a yummy pancake

We wish you all a great summer!

Life is Pain

2011-07-04T11:49:00.000+02:00

I don' t know what happened to me lately, but it seems like all the illnesses in the world have found me. Eczema, allergies, all kind of pains, you name them, I have them... At the moment I have a very sore throat and I feel tired no matter how much time I sleep. I went to doctors, went for ultrasounds, blood work...the whole nine yards...Physically, they say I am OK. So why do I feel like this almost all the time? It can't be that all these symptoms are psycosomatic...my throat, for example...
Like the stanzas of a very soppy song, I repeat like a mantra that life is pain...no matter how hard I try, I am not able to get rid of the feeling of doom that follows me everywhere...It is summer, for God's sake, I am supposed to have fun with my daughter, not lie in bed, zero energy and naught motivation..
So I will try harder...I am so angry with myself that instead of living I am stuck somewhere in some kind of limbo, waiting for...waiting for what, exactly? Nobody is going to come to my rescue, not really...so I'll go and dig my Louise Hay book, I know I have it somewhere..."You can heal your life" it's called. Why not?
And I promise more optimistic posts in the future...

Summer Projects

2011-06-20T08:12:00.002+02:00

As everybody in the blogosphere seems to be writing about summer crafts and activities, I will be no exception, as in the week-end we visited one of the nicest garden centers. It is situated in kibbutz Givat Brenner somewhere in the center of the coutry and if you ask me, I would really really want to go and live there...

One of our summer projects, mine and Maya's is to plant some sort of indoor garden, as we are living in an apartment that doesn't have a balxony. Yes, bad luck, I know...So we bought some dill, mint and thyme seeds, they assured us if we put them in a sunny enough spot they'll sprout. Fingers crossed. We also bought some catgrass seeds for our sweet Dasha, to make her her private, little garden...

I hope you enjoyed the pictures...
The hot, humid Israeli summer is here and this time, with God's help, I hope to make it fun and unforgetable...

Summer Giveaway!

2011-06-18T14:49:00.001+02:00

My daughter is five years old now...Where did the time fly, tell me please?...Anyway, yesterday I was cleaning her closet and I discovered a few clothing items that she almost didn't wear...she grew so much, height and weight wise in the last year and a half I found myself giving away bags and bags of new clothes. This time I though maybe someone with a 2-3 years old daughter/niece/grand-daughter would like them...so we are having a giveaway!!!
We are giving away 3 sets and a short dress/T-shirt thingy, they fit a 3 years old girl and are almost never worn...
What do you have to do?
First of all, become a follower of my blog - this gives you one entry. If you are already one, you have two entries.
Then, twitter about the giveaway - two entries and
Blog about the giveaway - three entries.
Don't forget to leave a comment, telling me which outfit would you like to win.
The giveaway is open to everyone until the second of July, 2011.
Happy summer and good luck!

The Loneliness of Being an Immigrant

2011-06-15T15:33:00.000+02:00

When I left Romania, almost 13 years ago, leaving behind family, friends and a career , following the call of my heart, I hoped for something better for myself. I was weary from raising a child on my own, I wanted a real family and if it waited for me on the other side of the world, so be it (or that's what I thought back then, deluded as I was and blinded by love).
Little did I knew that I would find myself caught between two worlds, uanble to fit in, unable to find my place...I think it is the sort of fate any immigrant would have, especially the ones opting for countries where the culture and religion are different from the ones they were born into.
I wanted very much to blend into the melting pot of israeliness. I learned the language, studied for a new career, the whole lot. I even wrote a book about the country before coming here. I knew more about its history than the locals, for crying out loud!. But nobody cared. They gave me annual tourist visas and then temporary resident status, even though I was married to an Israeli and already working here . The bank wouldn't issue cheques for me because I didn't have an Israeli ID. The Interior Ministry clerks would interogate me separately from my husband and ask me to bring photos to prove we were living together...I am surprised they didn't ask to see the bed sheets or...I don't know...I just swallowed my pride and moved on.
Of course, even the marriage wasn't what I expected to be...don't get me wrong, my husband is a honest, hard working man...but that summarises it for him...No fireworks, just you know, a river flowing towards the sea.
And that is fine with me, as well...
I have now citizenship and health insurance and a gorgeous daughter and food on the table and a nice apartment...and you know what...it is not enough...it will never be.
Because I know now I don't belong here. I am grateful, I get by...but that is it. When I touch a tree, it is but a tree for me...no special connection, no thrill. The desert is only sand and rocks and the sea is nice and wavy...but that is all...
I feel at home only at night, when I open my notebook and write about things long gone and forgotten, and I try to give a name and shape to my longing. And at least for a couple of hours I am somewhere else, somewhere magical...I am home...
Maybe I will never be able to publish whatever I am working at, and it is OK with me for as long as I have the illusion to keep me going, for the sake of my family and my children...
Why are you still here, you could ask...
Well, first of all because I owe it to my family. My son is trying to built a future for himself here (I brought him with me when he was 13, and shelfish as I was, I didn't think about his future when I chose for him), my husband has a career and a good job and I cannot ask them to leave everything just because I wasn't mature enough when I altered their lives with my decision to get married and come to live here. For once, it is not only about myself...
The things that hurt me most ar the fact that my family and my friends are (most of them) in Romania. Well, my sister is, and it is so difficult and frustrating to see her only a couple of days each year...I don't have many close friends, most of my friends are the internet type ones, I don't even know them personally.
I know there are many good things in my life and I am fortunate and blessed, but this is not the time to count my blessings...you know, there are times when you simply have to embrace the naked truth and to face the pain nested inside in order to understand and come to terms with the destiny.
And so I try to take every day as it comes, and even if I bleed inside I close my heart and keep my mouth shut and tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that this is my karma and I truly wish that when I'll die they'll burry me in the cemetery in Baia Mare, and then the circle will be closed and I'll finally have some peace.

I am linking this to Shel's

I Don't really Like Doctors Right Now!

2011-06-14T16:25:00.000+02:00

Warning - if you are a doctor, don't read this blog post!
Because this is a post where I let off some steam and rant, rant, rant...and I don't really like doctors right now...
I had an epiphany some time ago, that said the only nice, human, profesional doctors are the ones in TV series. The same goes for nurses.I had so many bad, unfortunate experiences with doctors, beginning with the two ones that failed to see that my daughter was badly dehidrated and finishing with the family doctor that insisted I use a certain ointment even if I told her it won't help...
I try not to generalize, I am sure there are fairy-tale doctors somewhere, but not in my neighbourhood...Every time I need to go and see a doctor I am weary with dissapointment and I just want to go and see my acupuncturist. I don't even like my homeopath any more because he always tries to sell me certain products, even if are not the best or the most appropriate. But almost always, the most expensive...Why everything needs to be somehow related to money, money, money.?..
This time a very nasty dermatitis sent me to three (three!!!) doctors, until the last one finally gave my something that helped. Three doctors and a lot of lost time in waiting rooms...and it took the last one approximately five minutes to diagnose me and send me flying through the door with a prescription and the recommandation to see an allergologist.As if...I know the one that works for our HMO and she takes one patient every five minutes and you have to wait hours...
I have a lot of doctor stories to tell, but this one is beyond all the others: my former family doctor used to consult in two cabinets, he had her secretary put one patient in each room and he used to run (literally run) between rooms. He once prescribed me a medicine I was allergic to...well, it was deficult to concentrate between to patients with different ailments, the cheek of us! When I saw that I decided it was time to change doctors...
It also happened to me to meet several doctors that didn't speak Hebrew, only Russian, so it was impossible for them to understand what was wrong with me...Tragically hilarious...
Anyhow, I told my husband that I beg him to kill me if I will be old and sick because no way they are going to kill me trying to make me better...

Happy Birthday, My Sweet Girl!

2011-06-05T15:42:00.000+02:00

Today Maya is 5 years old...Unbelievable...Five years since I am Maya's mother and she fills my days my laughter and happiness..
And to think it all began like this:

And then it was like this:

Two years old:

Then, three years old:

Four years old

And today:

I am thankful for every magical moment I get to spend with her, and I couldn't be a happier mother.

I am blessed, and each night, before falling asleep I thank God for the fantastic gift of motherhood that He bestowed upon me.

2011-05-25T09:15:00.000+02:00

Every day that my Maya is healthy and well, it is a blessing for us and I am grateful...She has been through so much...and I am amazed to witness her ability to heal, move on and enjoy life...

In the morning, on our way to the kindergarten, we watch the ants marching, taking food to their home, smell the dewy grass and look at the gorgeous cactus growing near the school's fence.

Thank you God for my beautiful and wise daughter and believe me, I struggle everyday to learn my lessons and to accept my karma...

I Am Not Here

2011-05-17T09:03:00.007+02:00

The past couple of weeks we had all kind of problems, health, physical, phychological, existential ones, you know, the whole lot. Plus a terrorist attack. I tried to cope with them the best I could - panicking, crying etc...In the end, as a last resort I turned to my best friends: the books.
And I found this fantastic, fabulous world populated with gorgeous men (and I mean absolutely yummy, mind boggling, beautiful men) and their women...I world where the Good defeats the Evil (well, most of the time), wild men are tamed by strong willed women, and there is that" happily ever after" that my thirsty soul longs for...
So, I am going away for a while where the Dark Hunters dwell.

I am talking about Sherrilyn Kenyon's "Dark Hunters" series, of course.

Gifts From My Daughter

2011-05-07T16:02:00.004+02:00

My daughter Maya is such a sweet and altruistic child - I think she could teach me a lesson or two...Whenever she goes outside with her daddy, she brings me "gifts". At home, whenever she feels I am sad she "makes" gifts for me.

Here are the last ones I received: the result from a stroll in the park and a "birthday gift", as you can see, in Maya's eyes I am five years old (the red bits are "birthday candles").

Thank You, in All The Possible Languages

2011-05-04T14:58:00.006+02:00

This year, at Easter, I understood I am really blessed...It doesn't matter that I feel desperate down and alone sometimes, I am now sure that extraordinary people exist. And you know what the fantastic thing is? They are not even related to me...and more than that, most of them some of them don't even know me personally.

As you may know if you are a reader of this blog, it has been very difficult to live here, in Israel, especially around major Christian holidays. And if Christmas was somehow adopted, at least, by the Russians living here, at Easter I haven't been able to find chocolate eggs or chocolate bunnies. I know I stubornly insist of keeping Christian holidays as well as the Jewish ones, but that's me...donkey headed.

And so, because I kept moaning and groaning and crying all over the internet, some absolutely phenomenal people sent us Easter stuff, an abundance of it...And it is my place here to say in my name and in Maya's too, a HUGE "THANK YOU" from the bottom of our hearts.

So, my dear-dear friend and angel from Romania - Agy; my bloggy friend Ago from Hungary, Iuliana and Raluca, two virtual friends from a Romanian forum. we thank you.

But, the biggest surprise this year came from my mother! It is the first time she sent Maya something....but I won't suspect her for having a hidden agenda or something....I am as grateful as I can be.

I cannot tell you how happy you all made my daughter, and for that, I am for ever grateful.

Thank you!

Multumesc!

Koszonom!

Thank You God for the Miracles!

2011-04-30T14:37:00.018+02:00

I didn't want the title of my post to sound too exagerated, or grandiose but believe me, it isn't. Read away, and you'll see. But before that, please, overlook grammar or syntax mistakes, now that everything is fine I feel as if I'd run the marathon (and won) - shattered, but in a good way...

The events stared to unfurl on Thrursday, when I took Maya home from the kindy and saw she wasn't feeling well. Maya is a higly active child and you can see from a distance when she is sick, because she is too quite and settled. The diagnose was unforgiving: a bad case of throat infection that needed antibiotics. She also had a very high fever - around 40 C...After we came home from the doctor's office I gave her Nurofen and left her with my husband because I had to go and buy the antibiotics...I ran like crazy to the pharmacy, I returned home and began the grueling task of convincing Maya to drink the medicine...You have to know Maya personally to understand she is a very stubborn child, she sometimes decides she doesn't like or want something and nothing in the wide world would convince her of the contrary. And that's the sotsituation with the antibiotics. She doesn't have a problem with taking Nurofen or different types of cough syrup, or Echinacea... she even took fish oil once! But with antibiotics - she throws them up (food for thought - maybe next time I'll ask for injectable antibiotics, end of story).

Anyhow, of course nothing worked and finally she vomited the syrup and that sent me on a spyral of panic and fear. I didn't know what to do, if to give her another full dose...so I tried to call the nurses' office, no answer, so I ran again to the closest doctors's office to ask somebody for an advice...

And in this amalgam of feelings, panic and stuff I forgot about our cat. She just wasn't in the picture, Maya was more important...so, sometime around 9 o'clock in the evening I asked my husband if he saw Dasha, our cat, Maya's pet and furry friend...After receiving a negative answer we looked for her...everywhere, we searched every corner and nook of the apartment , but no cat. Maya started crying hot, feverish tears...and that was the beginning of the nightmare....

Firstly, we had no idea how on Earth she could've get out. It is true, she is fascinated by birds and pigeons and open windows, but we also have blinds at our windows and everything was shut in the house...the most credible theory was that she somehow sneaked out when I opened the front door and because I was in a hurry I didn't notice her...

I don't think I have enough words to describe the following nights and the day between them...We looked everywhere, we combed the neighborhood and the building, we put up posters, talked with the neighbors...we went the whole nine yards, while looking after a sick child...I didn't sleep or eat, I think I survived solely on adrenaline...

But, because there is a God above us all Who performs miracles...On Saturday morning, Dasha's former owner came to help us look for her...and she found Dasha!!! She was outside the building, on the second floor, curled on the roof that protects a sort of small balcony where the people hang their laundry. The problem was they couldn't reach her, she didn't want to move and we were afraid she was baldly hurt (the building has seven floors). The only thing that came into my mind at 7 o'clock on a Shabbat morning was: firefighters...My husband said they wouldn't come but I called them nevertheless, because you wouldn't know until you've tried...And what do you think? They came!!! With a very long ladder and they rescued Dasha!!! And what is most amazing is the fact thet she wasn't hurt, not a bit; scared, yes and in shock and a bit dehydrated but otherwise FINE!

After around 36 hours of tension and fear and fever and tears, we found her! And Maya is feeling better too!

Thank you God, what is it more to say?

Maybe there a few thank yous , to Karina, the "cat whisperer" who found Dasha, to the firefighters who came so promptly and to all our friends who supported us, listened to us and simply helped us get through such difficult hours...

And why did I write "miracles" (in the plural) in the title? Because I am sure now that God perfomed many miracles in our lives and I am certain we'll see some more...

Good Wishes, Eggs and a Bit of Nature

2011-04-25T13:40:00.007+02:00

This year Passover and Easter got interwined somehow and we made the most of both holidays (well, Maya did because I had a very bad biliary colic). After eating lots of Passover matza with chocolate spread we moved on to dyeing eggs and decorating the house, we even had time for a trip to the Latroun monastery, for a bit of nature and fresh air...

Happy holidays, whatever they are...

2011-04-18T13:44:00.006+02:00

I think every mother tends to define herself through her kids. And because I don't have a lot going on in my life at the moment, I find myself a satellite of my daughter. I like it, as it gives me a direction, even though Maya's need towards independence is growing stronger.

Anyhow, today is not about parenting or sad thoughts about kids growing up. Today is about what was Maya up to lately...

Firstly, because of this alarms stuff she is a bit obsessed with the subject. As I said, she is afraid at night but on top of it, she wants to be prepared. She asked me to write an "announcement" for her father and she kept it tucked into her pj's pants. The texts is in Romanian and it says something like "Tibi, if there is an alarm, take Maya in your arms. Go outside and stay there until the end of the alarm"(more or less).

She is also very artistic lately. Because we keep our arts and crafts supply handy she goes and takes whatever she needs and spends a lot of time gluing, painting, drawing. She also likes plasticine a lot. And of course, almost everything she creates it has to be cats or dogs related. Not to forget her father. She loves him so much it makes me jealous. Today, for example, she was looking at our civil marriage pictures and she started crying because : "Daddy kisses you in this picture and I want him to kiss only me!"

Not fair (sigh) but who says anything about motherhod and fairness?

2011-04-16T11:16:00.012+02:00

I really do hope this will not become a routine for us: the air strike alarms. We had another one yesterday afternoon and two rockets fell, one of them really close from our building, all the windows rattled and it filled us with dread once again.

Every evening now before going to bed Maya complains she is afraid and she has to snuggle close to us with half of her stuffed toys and she needs stories and calming music to settle down and fall asleep.

I hope we won't become another Sderot - the Southern israeli city where alarms and falling rockets are part of their daily life because I don't think my frazzled nerves could go though this. I always try to put a brave face for Maya I find myself shaking inside, my inards jelly like and my knees weak.

I am sorry to said that, but we are dealing with terrorists here. They are terrorists, and they are hurting us and their own people as well - yesterday the rockets were launched from a highly populated area in the Gaza strip, this way if the IDF would've strike back they would've hurt a lot of civilians. And whose fault would've been?

I want all this to stop! Many friends asked me what is keeping me here, why won't I leave? The truth is, I don't want to leave. I grew to like this place, its people (crazy, outspoken and loud), my daughter was born here, my son found love here...Somehow, it became my home, too. I know, sometimes it doesn't feel like home and I wake in the middle of the night thinking I am trapped in a windowless room...but still, I am trying very hard to make myself a life here. And I won't run away at the first siren. Actually, if the things get indubitably pear shaped I'll flee (at least for a while and for Maya's sake, I don't her to become neurotic because of the alarms).

The truth is, I am not sure I would be able to return and live in Romania. Things have changed so much there in the past 10 years or so...And people too.

*The picture shows the peaceful Shabbat afternoon. I hope no rockets will shatter it for us.

Let The Pictures Speak For Me Today

2011-04-14T10:15:00.004+02:00

I am not in the mood to write.Even though we have a beautiful spring day today, I am sad and nervous. Today is definitely not my day.

And even though the temptation to hide in a dark corner and whine for a while is great, I won't do it. I'll share some gorgeous pictures instead. Prince, the tomcat, Dasha's father, came to visit. He will be with us for two weeks, so Maya is in cats' heaven.

It Is Raining Rockets in Southern Israel

2011-04-09T10:47:00.011+02:00

I am tired and pissed of. At 3.44 this mornig the alarm sent its high-pitched low-piched howls and we jumped out from our bed like puppets on springs. I was shacking with panic and fear, Maya's teeth were chattering and we stood, barefood, outside our flat. After we heard the rocket falling (we actually heard its "boom") we returned to the house but after a couple of minutes another alarm sent us running back outside.

We couldn't fall asleep afterwards. Maya was repeating "I am afraid, ima" "I am cold, aba!" and I swallowed my own fears and tears to comfort her.

This event is one in a chain of bombings that shook the south of Israel all Friday (all day long and well into the night) at it comes after on Thursday Hamas hit a school bus with an anti-tank missile. It could've been a bloodbath, fortunately the children had desembarked the bus a few minutes before. One kid that wasn't quick enough is now fighting for his life...They said the Hamas hit the bus at close range and they knew the bus was carrying children. So, they knew what they were doing and also were clear about the implications of a strike on children under the already very tense situation.

I am so tired my brain is fuzzy and I cannot think straight. All I can think about is the security of my children, about my life here...I will write more on the subject after I'll calm down a bit...

And you know what? Our next apartment will have a secured room, I don't inted to spend my nights shivering in the cold halls of buildings.

Note: the two pictures that you see here are the ones from the bombed bus. You can see all the windows are broken and yes, there is blood on the stairs of the bus. The pictures are copyrighted, they belong to ynet, the best source of israeli news (in my opinion, anyway).

What Are Friends For?

2011-04-07T15:34:00.003+02:00

This morning, on our way to the kindy, Maya and I saw this peaceful morning scene. I couldn't help myself and had to snap a picture. I could almost hear the dialogue:

"- I couldn't open my eyes this morning , thanks for the coffee, buddy.

- Well, that's what friends are for....Rough night, huh?

- Don't ask...You know that nice tabby? I had to serenade her all night....and what did I receive? One kiss..."

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

2011-04-05T21:06:00.009+02:00

Do you know the feeling when you have so much stuff going on (mainly in your head) that you don't have like, five minutes, to sit and gather your thoughts? Well, if your answer is "yes" then you understand what I am talking about...

This past week was so crammed with things and I was so emotional (God knows why....hormones? Premenopause?) that I wasn't able to even organize my thoughts, let alone write about them. Yes, I am being a bit unclear and I do apologise, but you'll find all about everything that's going on in my life an the appropiate moment. I don't want to write anything while my emotions still run high...

Mainly, it is about my fears that Maya is hyperactive, but I don't want to say anything on the subject until our visit to a psychologist. For now, the doctors and medical staff are on strike, so they don't make appointments to specialists as they don't know the outcome of the protest.

Then, we are thinking about going on holiday to Romania this year and it is so expensive my teeth hurt when I think about the amount of money it will cost us. And I don't think there will be any more visits it the future. At the price we're paying we could travel anywhere in Europe...

I was also thinking a lot about me and my future. No matter how much I enjoy being a SAHM, enough is enough. I am not getting younger....and with a demanding child like Maya all my plans for the future are on the back of the back burner for now. On the other hand, I feel I had a responsability for my child to give her my best....the pressure is so high, the society demands so much from us. Sometimes I would like to be able to just leave civilization and go live...I don't know...somewhere nice and quiet. Are there places like that on Earth?

I am so confused, you see. On one hand, I would like everything to be simpler, on the other hand, I have to keep up with everything for the sake of my kids. And I cannot even say I'll rest when Maya will be all grown up, because probably I would be dead by then...

And I still didn't give up hope on my writing. I scribble away whenever I can, mostly at night and believe me, this and my kids are the only things that keep me going...

It felt good, writing all this. Thanks for listening.

A Can of Worms (More of a Box, Though)

2011-03-30T15:35:00.010+02:00

Image by aussiegall via Flickr I promised myself I won't be going there, to that place that makes me sad and nauseous. But I cannot help it, I mean, spring is here, Easter in coming and I feel alone and abandoned. I don't want to depend on the kindness of strangers again, like it happened last year - thank you again, Agnes! but it seems that will be the case. I am living a dilemma, and between that and all my other problems, it is not easy to be me these days. Let me explain. On one side, I am a Christian living in a Jewish country. I don't complain about the country and its people, I've grown to love being here, even though everything is so different and alien, sometimes. I will never feel at home here, but I can cope with this, there are bigger problems in life (like the permanent state of iminent war or danger that you sometimes feel here). The problems is that around the major Christian holiday it just hits me. I become homesick with a vengeance. I miss all the things that we did at home, during Easter and Christmas, I miss the feeling, the atmosphere, the friends and family. Oh, and the internat id full of it, Easter bunnies, egg crafts, books, chocolate eggs, the whole lot. And here I don't have anything. Nada. Ziltch. Last year I bought a lot of chocolate eggs and bunnies that I found at a candy store (after the Easter holiday, of course) , oh, I was so happy, the products were even discounted. But, the idiot I am, I put them away in a carton box in a cupboard. Of course, when I checked them a couple days ago, they were full of WORMS!!!!! And then I lost it. I've been crying since - I am an idiot, I know, I think I should've put them into the refrigerator, but I barely have space for the everyday food stuff. On the other hand, we live here. My daughter goes to the kindergarten and she has Jewish friends. Not everybody is open and peachy about their kids having Christian friends...And I don't want my daughter to fell different. We celebrate all the Jewish holidays, as well, I personally fell their are mine, too, because Jews and Christians have a common past, the one described in the Old Testament. My daughter knoes about Santa and the Easter bunny, but I tried not to add the religious connotations to the holidays, not yet, anyway. As I said, I don't want her to fell different or, Heaven forbid, be isolated because of me. So, you see, not easy. On one hand, my beliefs, my memories, my identity, on the other hand, the happiness and well being of my daughter. I personally think you have to aknowledge who you are and not be afraid of it. But, as there is always a but, (in this particulary case thare are many buts) there are enough extremists and idiots around us to make me cautious. At this moment, I don't have a solution to my problems. I hope time wil help me see the right course of action. I am sure my daughter will have better answers, someday. Until then, I can only to take my uncertainties here, on my blog, and write about them. It helps, in a sense... And of course, because it is Wednesday, I am linking it to to darling Shel's

The Lessons My Daughter Teaches Me

2011-03-26T11:43:00.010+02:00

The past couple of days went in a haze...we had one more alarm, on Thursday morning and one horrific terrorist act in Jerusalem, where a bomb exploded in a bus station, killing an English citizen and wounding dozens.

In all this madness, I am amazed by my daughter, I really am. On Tuesday night when we had the alarm I had to get out barefoot - I panicked so much that I couldn't find my slippers , I also couldn't find any sweaters or jackets . Believe me, it is not very peachy to stand outside your aparment on a cold March night in your nightgown together with your equally tired and confused neighbours. So Maya decided we need to be prepared. She aligned her Crocs and my flip-flops, asked me to take out some warm clothes from the closet "just in case", put on her Ben 10 cap and tied a couple of toys with sellotape onto their craddle ("not to fall off when we take them out, in case of alarm"). I kissed her like crazy and cried a bit so she asked me if it is because I am afraid of the bombs and so I cried more...My God, and she is not 5 years old yet...Why does she have to know about terrorist acts and bombs and alarms? Is this the world she is going to live in? I am not going to write about politics and stuff like that on my blog because I don't think I could be an objective writer and that is not fair for my readers. I am only a lonely mother trying to keep her daughter safe...Maybe she'll be all the things I am not and maybe she'll be the one to change something. I canonly guide her and surround her with my love and stay up at night worrying...

I can only teach her the values I think are important in life and let her teach me the wisdom of childhood.

I pray to God to give me strenght to be the pillar my daughter needs me to be...

What Does A Mother Say to Her Child When...?

2011-03-23T09:10:00.010+02:00

Image by Scott Ableman via Flickr Yesterday night at 11.30 I jumped out from the bed at the sound of the siren/air strike alarm or whatever you call it. My husband grabbed our daughter and we rushed outside the apartment, on the stairs. We don't have a safe room, we live on the 6th floor so the ground shelter wasn't an option, so we had to settle for the stairs. And believe me, it doesn't matter if it is in the middle of the night or that you are barefoot and in pijamas, you just do it. Two years ago a missile fell on the a building a few blocks away and it shook all the neighbourhood and left me with a life-time fear of sirens. The people that lived there where spared because they got out from their apartment....otherwise, they would all be dead.
Maya was half asleep and kept asking: "What is happening, mama ?" ("mama" is "mother" in Romanian). I tried to reassure her repeating like a parrot "Everything is fine, baby" while shaking like a leaf. Two years ago when such alarms surprised us at the green grocer's or in the street I used to tell her we were playing a game of hide and seek. Once, we were in the car and in such situations you have to get out of the car and lay on the pavement. I used to cover her with my body and pray hard to God to protect us... But at 11.30 at night? "Are you crazy, mama?" she would've asked me laughing. At night children sleep safely in their beds, chasing butterflies or flying with Buzz Lightyear in their dreams...
After we returned in our home she wouldn't settle to sleep, kept saying that she is cold and afraid...I understood her because I felt the same way...
Not anymore, please God!
I don't want the nightmare repeating itself, not another war.
I want my baby to grow up NOT knowing what an alarm is, not crying when she hears its piercing sound. I don't want to hear war air crafts flying over my head and I want my son home, not at the base, night after night...
But the world around us thinks otherwise and this madness that enveloped the Arab countries has seeped into my life as well. I am afraid for what the future holds and I tremble for my children.
So, you tell me please, what does a mother tell to her children when the alarm sounds in the middle of the night?

I am linking this to

About Witches, Vampires and Beautiful Albinos

2011-03-22T16:53:00.013+02:00

Image by Wonderlane via Flickr

I mean, it is time for my post dedicated to the Gothic Reading Challenge. This month with so much pain and sickness I didn't have time to write the post, although I kept on reading...I must say, I read some pretty amazing books this month, and I am going to tell you all about it. So, make yourselves confortable...

Here it goes...

First of all, I have to thank my bloggy - friend Simcha for recommending me Leanna Renee Hieber books: "The Strangely Beautiful Story of Miss Percy Parker" and "The Darkly Luminous Fight for Persephone Parker". They are absolutely fantastic. I enjoyed reading them very much. Now, if you know me, you won't ask for a review. I don't like reviews, I simply read. And I don't want to spoil it for you. I am going to say only that the main character is a beautiful albino who sees ghosts and has to deal with love and a prophecy that threatens the world as we know it. The writing is so exquisite and rich and the characters are well built, to say nothing about the ghostly Victorian gothic atmosphere...Goodreads has everything about the books here. I cannot wait for the next books in the series...

Next, I made another amazing discovery, Deborah Harkness's "A Discovery of Witches". I am telling you, this book has everything I like in one: witches, vampires (and not the sparkly type), and a mysterious book.

Here it is what goodreads says about it:

"A richly inventive novel about a centuries-old vampire, a spellbound witch, and the mysterious manuscript that draws them together.

Deep in the stacks of Oxford's Bodleian Library, young scholar Diana Bishop unwittingly calls up a bewitched alchemical manuscript in the course of her research. Descended from an old and distinguished line of witches, Diana wants nothing to do with sorcery; so after a furtive glance and a few notes, she banishes the book to the stacks. But her discovery sets a fantastical underworld stirring, and a horde of daemons, witches, and vampires soon descends upon the library. Diana has stumbled upon a coveted treasure lost for centuries-and she is the only creature who can break its spell.

Debut novelist Deborah Harkness has crafted a mesmerizing and addictive read, equal parts history and magic, romance and suspense. Diana is a bold heroine who meets her equal in vampire geneticist Matthew Clairmont, and gradually warms up to him as their alliance deepens into an intimacy that violates age-old taboos. This smart, sophisticated story harks back to the novels of Anne Rice, but it is as contemporary and sensual as the Twilight series-with an extra serving of historical realism.

I hope I awakened your curiosity and you'll read the book. I am sure you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

Speaking of vampires, I started reading Lynsay Sand's Argeneau Vampires series...I think I read the first four or five books. The first and second book were OK, then they got boring and I hope they'll get better because I think there are fifteen books in the series and I intend to read them all (call me stubborn, but I do like a challenge).

Now, I am not sure where does the theme of fallen angels belong...I am not sure it is 100% gothic, but it has the supernatural element, the prophecy...Anyhow, I read "Raziel" by Kristina Douglas and loved it. As always, I went to goodreads and brought this back for you:

Kristina Douglas’s sexy new series introduces a realm of fallen angels and ruthless demons, where an eternal rebellion is brewing . . . and one unsuspecting woman can change the fate of the Fallen forever.
She was just an ordinary mortal . . .

“You’re dead” is so not what Allie Watson wants to hear. Unfortunately, it explains a lot. Like the dark, angelically handsome man who ferried her to this strange, hidden land. The last thing she remembers is stepping off a curb in front of a crosstown bus. Now she’s surrounded by gorgeous fallen angels with an unsettling taste for blood—and they really don’t want her around. Not exactly how she pictured heaven.

. . . until death catapulted her into a seductive world she never imagined.

Raziel is unsure why he rescued Allie from hellfire against Uriel’s orders, but she stirs in him a longing he hasn't felt in centuries. Now the Fallen are bracing for the divine wrath brought by his disobedience, and they blame Allie for the ferocious Nephilim clawing at the kingdom’s shrouded gates. Facing impossible odds at every turn, the two must work together to survive. Raziel will do anything to defend his spirited lover against the forces of darkness—because Allie may be the Fallen’s only salvation.

I almost forgot...I read also Patricia Brigg's new novel in her Mercy Thompson series, "River Marked". Briggs is always a pleasant lecture and she is one of my favourite authors.

"An evil is stirring in the depths of the Columbia River—one that her father’s people may know something about. And to have any hope of surviving, Mercy and her mate, the Alpha werewolf Adam, will need their help".(goodreads).

These were the books I liked. Unfortunately, I didn't like Jeaniene's Frost "This Side of the Grave" but I enjoyed "Eternal Kiss of Darkness" that is the second novel in her "Night Huntress World" series. Well, you win some...

As you may observe, I was pretty busy reading...What can I say? It is my escape from reality, a place where I fell good.

I hope you'll try some of the books I talked about...

Happy reading!

Trinny and Susannah - Have They Lost Their Magic Touch?

2011-03-19T12:15:00.005+02:00

Image via Wikipedia I am a big fan of Trinny and Susannah, you know "What Not To Wear" and such...So I was so excited when I read in the newspaper that they're "doing" Israel. I even recorded the first episode (I understood there is a mini-series) in order to be able to savour it...Personally, I also needed some tips...But....what can I say? I was VERY dissapointed. And to be clear, in Israel people dress casually, so they had plenty to choose from. Anyway, I don't think the people they chose were the main problem of the show, but the way T&S managed their garderobe and style problems.
Firstly, in the end almost all of the people on the show ended in gray, leopard prints and brown (one exception, a green, horible dress). No color, not at all. The clothes were absolutely hideous! Almost all of them looked better before the makeover and not after. They took the sweet 17 yo girl and transformed her into a bad copy of Rhianna. The lady that looked good in turqouise and dressed her in some sort of animal print dress that showed up her not so nice legs. The guy, Dror tried to explain Trinny that he won't be able to wear a coat/jacket in a month because it will be to hot...
And the dialogues...
The Goth single mum, the one that before the makeover wore only black, coming out from the dressing room:
"I feel so exposed without my black..."
Trinny: "Darling, you are wearing gray..."
All in all, it was embarassing...The hugs and tears and psychological counseling attemps, it all had the stamp of artificiality. There was this one lady who kept saying she dresses the way she does because she wanted to hide away her beauty...That since she was a kid, blah, blah...oh, come on, really? She wasn't even that beautiful. A pretty face, to say the most.
Now, I don't know who's to blame. Maybe there are no nice clothes in Israeli shops, maybe the Israeli stylists that helped T&S are bad, but I hope the next episode gets better. Otherwise, I will think that Trinny and Sussanah have lost their touch...

Paaaaaaarty!!!!!!!!

2011-03-18T19:40:00.004+02:00

Today Maya had the Purim party at the kindergarten. She was very happy to go because last year she was sick and missed it. Of course, she was an imaculate Cinderella when she left home with her big bother (I was too sick to take her to the kindy) but don't ask me the state of her dress when she returned home. Of course they played in the sand pit...I regret I didn't do a "before" and "after" photo.
But, who cares? She had fun and that's the most important thing!
My heart sings when I look at her!

So....Life Goes On...I Guess

2011-03-17T15:42:00.005+02:00

After yesterday's emotional turmoil, today I feel like sailing in quieter waters...

Life goes on, no matter what...And anyway, compared to apocalyptic disasters like the one in Japan, my trials and tribulations seem so small and petty...

I strive to make a difference, somehow, to do something important. And the only thing I know to do is to write.

Life is overwhelming sometimes but maybe that's the secret.

So much beauty to watch as life mysteries unfold, so much pain to endure, so many tears to shed and so many smiles to share...

So much sweetness and so many bitter thoughts.

So many shattered hopes and so many dreams to fulfill.

I want it all and I won't complain.

To witness and to write about it, what more could I ask?

It Will All Come to An End Today?

2011-03-16T10:22:00.012+02:00

I don't know what to do...I've been thinking about this blog, about blogging in general, about why people read blogs, stuff like that. Don't worry, I am not going to bore you with the details of my thoughts on the subject...What I wanted to say it is that I really had fun blogging. As you can see from my blog's name, since I came to live here I've been feeling very lonely in this country with which I don't have a lot in common. Before being what I am today, (an anonymous, common staying at home mother) I had a carrer, an identity. I was a journalist and enjoying it very much. But I was also very naive and didn't think that comming to a country which language is a nightmare to write in would mean an end to my carrer. I was so full of myself, so confident...Of course it didn't work out. And my enthusiasm was cut short also by all the humiliation I had to endure at the Interior Ministry, where I was only another unwanted addition to the non-Jewish population. Letting go of my dreams of journalism, I tried my luck at teaching English. Bad, very bad idea. It was a nightmare and I have to admit I felt relieved when I decided it is better to stay at home and raise my daughter. Don't get me wrong. I am still pleased with this decision, I enjoy being Maya's mother (although, because of my age -45, I encountered a few idiots that thought I was Maya's granny).
These having been said I must point out that this blog offered me the oportunity to say something and to be heard. I met people through it and it helped me cope during the awful period last year when we didn't know it there was something wrong with Maya's brain. It helped me, full stop. It its virtual world I was a virtual citizen.
But I guess the honeymoon is over. I guess I am to depressing for the reader's taste. Lonely, sad, confused. I think people had enough of me... Maybe it is the time to call it a day...I don't know what to do...It pains me to see that besides my good friend Hevel nobody comments any more. I know, I konw, there is not much to comment about. But that was a reaction to the lack of audience, I felt forgotten and put aside, so I reacted accordingly...
I still cling to my blog and maybe I could do it just for myself, no expectations, no high hopes.
I read all the articles that tell about how to increase your blog readership, how to write awesome blog posts, how to...this and that. But that is not me, not who I am. And what's the point of writing a blog if it doesn't reflect yourself...
There it is. I said it all All my recent fears and dissapointments. You know, I think it is posible one can be dissapointed by the audience, not only the other way around. Maybe I wasn't a good blogger because my readers where good, either. Why blame always the doer, the giver? O.K., that's enough. I don't want to offend anyone, but if somebody wasn't pleased with my production, why on earth didn't they say it out loud?
That's it.
Decision time.
I'll let you know. Or not.

I am linking this to

Happy aniversary Shell!
Keep up the fantastic job you're doing and thank you for the oportunity to pour my heart out whenever I felt the need to...

Let it Rain!

2011-03-10T19:02:00.003+02:00

My tooth is gone (thank you God!), it was an awful experience but I am not going to dwell on it. It is raining here in Israel and we are thankful for it. So we say, "Let it rain"!

Peeking Through Pain

2011-03-08T12:58:00.005+02:00

I know I promised I'd blog more often, but, as a Romanian proverb says "He that reckons without his host must reckon twice" (that's the English equivalent anywayt, in Romanian it sounded better somehow)...
And this time it was really true...
We were sick. Again...it never happened in our household, so much sickness. I mean, my husband has pneumonia, I've got tonsilitis and Maya has a sore throat and is coughing...On top of that, I have some serious problems with my teeth, problems that translate themselves into pain. As in A LOT OF PAIN. The doctor said I cannot take care of the teeth problem until my infection clears up (throat and teeth, as well) so I have to suffer quietly for now...Believe me, I am no stranger to pain and I bear it well, but this time...oh boy, my teeth hurt so badly even after painkillers that I cried. Me, a grown up woman that gave birth to two children, cried...
I am taking antibiotics, of course and I feel like s**t most of the time, and I also have to take care of Maya and my husband (he was in a bad shape also). And there is food to be cooked (well, we mainly eat sandwiches these days), laundry to be done. The house is a pigsty again, but I couldn't be bothered, no way... I sleep when not in pain after being knocked down by the painkillers, I cannot concentrate to read or write...I forgot what writing my book means...
So, you see, that is the reason it has been so quiet in here. But, with God's help (and the antibiotics, and the dentist) I'll be right as rain in no time...

God's Canvas

2011-02-27T10:48:00.003+02:00

This morning, on our way to the kindergarten, Maya looked up to the sky and said:"Look, mama, God's painted the sky with His paintbrush!"

I am so thankful for the things I have in my life, and I let Him know that, praying with gratitute.

Thank you Lord, for this glorious morning that fills my heart with hope.

Who's Taking Care of Our Children?

2011-02-26T12:02:00.007+02:00

Last Thursday I went with Maya' kindergarten to a puppet theatre. Maya was still at home coughing, but because she was on the mend, I decided she could go to the show. She loves them puppet shows very much.

I usually go with the kiddies to help a bit (and believe me or not, I am the only parent who ever comes) because to take 34 squirmy, slightly hyper active 4 year olds outside the kindy (and with a bus) it is not easy.

This time we arrived a bit early at the kindy so Maya had the chance to participate in the music lesson and I had the opportunity to observe the lesson and the sorroundings...There are 34 kids at Maya's kindy, from 3 to 4 tears old, ONE TEACHER and ONE HELPER. They sit in a room that is almost the same dimensions as my living room...They hardly have room to turn around and barely enough chairs to sit on. I don't think the bulding was meant for such a large group of kids. Oh, and they have only two toilets...

I was watching the children, many of them with snotty noses (and faces), sneezing, coughing, dirty and with unlaced shoes...

The kindy was smelling of urine and bleach and my heart lurched in my chest. The picture was bleak, depressing. The room was cold as there are no carpets on the stony floor and dark, as there are only two windows.

And this is a city hall operated kindy. Maybe the private ones are fancier, but the prices...not that the state owned ones are much cheaper...

Israel is a country with a high birth rate (an average family has usually three kids), a lot of problems and the money is tight. I am not here to discuss budget politics and such because I would enter a very shifty place but I am appaled at the conditions in the state owned kindergartens and schools ( I taught in them for 5 years, so I know). Not to talk about the teachers' wages, that a totally different (and painful) story.

I know Israel is not America (not even Europe) but, education, come on, nodoby is giving it a lot of thought. That's why in the end I have to pay for the kindy a lot of money every month and my daughter stays at home, sick with one virus or another...Last year was cathastrophic as she was younger and never out of our home, thank God this year she knows to take care of herself (more or less) - wash her hands, wipe her nose and stuff like that.

And believe it or not, she likes to go at the kindy, loves the kids and her teacher.

Speaking of which...her teacher, Dorit is absolutely fantastic. And the same goes for her helper, Sigal. They are able to to so much with so little resources. They are kind and caring and I am in awe how on Earth are they able to cope...Maya loves them both and that says a lot to me. Last year the teacher told us Maya had "problems" and then she left after a few months, not being able to cope (so, who had the "problems" in the end?).

So, what can I say... While the system is faulty and the ones who should don't give a damn, thank God for the simple people who care...As long as there are teachers like Dorit and Sigal I must say there is still hope for humanity.

(Even though the picture is not very...professional, I've uploaded it for you to see the one and only room in Maya's kindy. The picture is taken during their Hanukka party, last December).

In Sickness and in Health

2011-02-24T14:25:00.005+02:00

Image via Wikipedia I am sorry I was MIA this past couple of weeks...But my sweet, unselfish husband brought us from work a surprise: a big fat virus that made us all sick! For a fortnight we coughed and coughed and coughed even more...tea, honey, medication, steam, you name it, we tried it...My husband was the sickest and you know what it means a sick man in the house...I was on call for him and Maya 24 hours a day...and then he got better and went to work and left me to deal with my sickness by myself.
Anyhow, I hope to fell better in a few days and to return to my regular posting on the blog. Before that I have to clean the house. Imagine the state of it...
I miss you all and make sure to stay healthy!

Not Only Valentine Day

2011-02-13T09:49:00.006+02:00

We were busy bees, as you can see. In our house, there are lots of pyjama parties, we also like to dress up a lot (even daddy). And, of course, some Valentine love, even though it is not celebrated in Israel. But we like to keep up with the international trend, so even the toilet paper is sort of Valentine's day special...

Good Bye, Mr. Steimatzky!

2011-02-10T16:18:00.006+02:00

Image via Wikipedia If you've been reading my blog, you already know that I am addicted to books...I don't have a lot going on in my life, you see. Between being a new immigrant and a staying at home mother, it gets very lonely sometimes. Did I mention that my husband works long hours? So I find comfort and solace in books...Since I am not able to read in Hebrew (well, more that Maya's board books, I mean) I read in English...It was a time I used to buy my books from Amazon.com but I find the shipping fees enourmously high...I have a very good friend, British and I buy from her British chick lit. I also have a Kindle, but we're still in the early stages of our relationship.
As a former journalist I found the smell of paper and ink very appealing. I love books, as you can see...And book stores as well.
Until lately, I had a good friend working at the Steimatzky store close to my house. Because my frequent visits to the store we developed a good client- shop assistant relationship. She helped me find books, ordered the ones that she new I liked , recommended books for Maya...In short, I was a very happy customer...But, the crisis struck the Israeli ecomony and they fired her!!! I was speechless when she told me... Who is going to help me now? I asked myself. And it seems I was right, because after aproximately two weeks after they fired her I went to the shop to see if they had something new...well, they didn't...Nodody cares about the English books department anymore...The staff that works there is nice and all, but they hardly can type in English and when I asked one of them to find me a book I wanted to order she just didn't get it right...in the end, she told me they don't have it...
Come on, people! I know there are not a lot of English-reading persons in Ashdod, but, what the heck! You sell English book so why to let go the only person that had an excellent grasp of the language and knew about what was going on on the book market...
I know can oder on-line from Steimatzky's web site, but it just lacks the human touch...I went to the store to socialize and to talk about books, one of my favourite subjects...It was a time when I used to go to Tel Aviv once a month or so to buy second-hand books and to peruse the Steimatzky book shop on Dizengoff street. I enjoyed it and I think I'll do it again. It is also an opportunity for some me time, as well.
You know, maybe I need to organize a book club...but I am not sure I could find here, in Ashdod, anybody who would be interested....Hmmm...maybe not, maybe yes. This could be a project of mine, instead of just sitting here, feeling sorry for myself...

So, anyone for a book club?

So Many Sleepless Nights

2011-02-04T12:22:00.004+02:00

During the day, we're fine. Well, almost...We play and we even go to the seaside, when the weather permits. But during the night...Maya just coughs and coughs and coughs...I cannot sleep when when poor baby is not well....sometimes she wakes up crying and I take her into my arms and cradle her back to sleep. Then I wait for the next coughing fit and the next. We took her to doctors, gave her everything they told us to...now, we are taking her to the alergologist, it is our last resort. Everybody is telling us her cough is allergic, so we hope the see the end of this, soon.

Meanwhile, I am leaving you with some gorgeous pictures taken at the seaside, on a sunny day.

Gothic Reading Challenge - Take Two

2011-02-01T12:42:00.010+02:00

Image via Wikipedia Is that time of month already? The time really flies, it feels as if it was only yesterday that I wrote my first post on the Gothic Reading Challenge...
What can I tell you? This past weeks I was in a reading frenzy and I managed to read a good deal of books that have gothic elements...I also read some books from other genres (mainly chick lit) and I'll write about them, too. So if you're not into gothic books, you just have to wait for a couple of days, when I hope I'll post my other reading adventures.
But. without further ado..let's dive in..I will start with the book I enjoyed the most, and that was "Shadowfever", by Karen Marie Moning, the last one in the Fever series. I am not going to spoil it for you, if you haven't read it yet. But, what can I say? After we were left with this annoying cliffhanger in book four, I think it was worth the wait. I loved it, loved it...Dark, powerful it makes your skin tingle with anticipation when your devour page after page. If you are not familiar with the Fever series, K.M. Moning site's says about it:

"MacKayla Lane was just a child when she and her sister, Alina were given up for adoption and banished from Ireland forever.

Twenty years later, Alina is dead and Mac has returned to the country that expelled them to hunt her sister's murderer. But after discovering that she descends from a bloodline both gifted and cursed, Mac is plunged into a secret history: an ancient conflict between humans and immortals that have lived concealed among us for thousands of years.

What follows is a shocking chain of events with devastating consequences, and now Mac
struggles to cope with grief, while continuing her mission to acquire and control the Sinsar Dubh--a book of dark, forbidden magic scribed by the mythical Unseelie King that contains the power to create and destroy worlds."

I hope I tickled your curiosity bone, because it is worth the time and money.

On the second place are two books, actually. I couldn't decide which I loved more, but I think I owe it to Rachel Caine to mention her book first. It is her latest in the Morganville Vampires series - "Ghost Town". My humble opinion is that with every book this series got better and better. I have to say that I like the vampire characters best, so it was interesting to see how Myrin goes even crazier...but with a twist, as he always does...I hope someday Claire will ditch Shane ( I don't know why, I haven't managed yet to even like him) and start something with Myrin...the "je ne sais quoi" between them is already there...

Now, with the third book I got the opportunity to make the aquintance of a new writer. I like that, keeps the routine out of reading. This time is was Heather Terrell and "Fallen Angel" (the first book in a series). I like the subject of angels, fallen or not and I was curious about this new book. It is mainly about a couple of teenagers, Ellie and Michael that discover together something fascinating and frightening about themselves and their families. Nothing is what it seems to be, that's the motto of Terrell's book. Looking forward to the second book.

What other gothic books did I read? Well, I finished the "Bloodsuckers - Vampire Archives Volume I" anthology. Another great read for me. There were some good stories in there, I loved Stephen King's one - "Popsy "and Tanith Lee's "Bite Me or Not, Fleur de Fur". I am in the middle of the second volume of the "Vampire Archives "- "Fangs" and I am looking forward to the third one, "Coffins".
I also read the first two books in the the "Heir Chronicles" by Cinda Williams Chima -" The Warrior Heir" and the "Wizard Heir". Nice YA mix of urban fantasy, romanticism, gothic and a bit of American superhero. I had this two books in my library for some time now and I have no idea why I did read them earlier. Anyhow, sweet and nice, no headache.

Hmmm...let me see what other book I read this month. ..
Oh, I almost forgot! Cornelia Funke, of course! I knew I discovered another fantastic writer...I read "The Thief Lord" first because it isn't part of a series and absolutely adored it. I loved not only the subject, but also the way Cornelia Funke writes...somebody called her "the German J.K . Rowlings" and I agree 100%. I finished "Inkheart" (saw the movie also, loved Helen Mirren as Elinor and the gorgeous Paul Bettany as Dustfingers) and I was spellbound...When she writes about Elinor :"she'll probably end up poor as a church mouse because she spends so much money on books. I think she'd sell her soul to the devil without thinking twice if he offered her the right book for it" my husbands says he recognizes me in the character...the cheek of him! I am not sure how much gothic-ness is there is the book, but Capricorn is one badass, that much I know...Looking forward to "Inkspell" and "Inkdeath". I also have "Reckless" and my husband saiys it is even better...
So, did I read or didn't?
It happens during periods of distress, I just burrow into a good book to forget about the reality...
And I'll finish with a quote from K.M. Moning: "Evil is a completely different creature. Mac. Evil is bad that believes it's good."

Words, Writing, Words

2011-01-27T21:42:00.005+02:00

I cannot sleep or concentrate at the moment (and no, I didn't drink too much cofffee). Maya threw up this evening...come on, don't give me that look, I am not overeacting...we have such a sad history of stomach viruses, remember? Yeah, maybe this time she ate too much and jumped on the bed and fought with his father, maybe....but that didn't settle my nerves, you know. Not when all the kids I know are sick with some virus or another. I mean, it is madness...everybody is sick. I don't remember back in Romania, when my son was Maya's age , I don't recall him to be sick all the time, or the kids at the kindy or his friends. Here, for the last two years, since my daughter came in contact with kids all I remember is her being sick. When she's at home, she's fine...I came to loathe the moment she returns to the kindergarten, although she loves being there so much I cannot refuse it to her...

Anyway, here I am, a bundle of nerves, just writing to calm my jittery stomach and to think about, I don't know, anything really...and I think....my God, I am old. I am 45, for God's sake, too old to be doing this...And what about me, my life, my achievements? Since I came to Israel I managed to do nothing important, nothing spectacular, like I once dreamed of doing...

I mean, look at me, I wrote a book, a real book, some 12 years ago, I even managed to publish some poems, not to talk about my profession...Journalist, how glam was that? And now I just sit here feeling sorry for myself and writing the same sentence over and over again. I want to finish writing this book I am working at for...how long? don't remember...I am absolutely obsessed with it, I have to tell this story...but it is not easy...not easy at all, with all the distractions and the fact that I am writing it in English, altough it is not my mother tongue and sometimes the words refuse to come...It happened to me one night when I was trying to work out a tricky description, and i just couldn't...OK, what I did was I wrote it in Romanian, and the words just came and settled themselves on the paper...And no, don't ask me why I don't write in Romanian...because I want you too to be able to read it, that's why...

Well, I've written enough don't you think? I have to go check on Maya and maybe, just maybe return to the white sheets of paper waiting for me (and no, it is not all right that Dasha the cat is sleeping on them just now)...

Good night friends, whoever and wherever you are...

Who's Been A Bad Girl?

2011-01-26T13:14:00.005+02:00

If you want to know how I caved in and spend some money, come and visit me at my "good girl" (not anymore) blog...

The Diary of a Nutcase Mother (a Tragi-Comedy in Two Acts)

2011-01-24T21:16:00.007+02:00

In the good tradition of mother written diaries, I want to share with you a day in my life as a staying at home mother on the verge of colapse. I even have two variations, as you will see.

The Type A Day

I usually wake up a 7,oo a.m , prepare Maya her breakfast, kindergarten snack, clothes and stuff. Maya is up at 7,30 -7,45 and we're out at 8,20. In between combing her hair and trying to convince her to eat I manage to brush my teeth, drink my coffee in two gulps and on a very good day to put my sweater the way it should be put . I am known to go out with my t-shirt inside out, or in my slippers etc etc. I usually change in the elevator. Or not.

Home from the kindy I do the shopping, tidy the house, cook, laundry... Domestic stuff mainly. On a good day I even eat breakfast myself and manage some browsing on the internet. Checking the e-mail is compulsory.

At 13.15 I go to fetch Maya from the kindy.

Back home, I shower her, we eat together luch and then the (my) afternoon is hers entirely.

At aproximately 18.3o her father returns hom from work, I serve dinner and then I begin the battle known as putting Maya to sleep. After some TV, several bedtime stories and uncountable escaping attemps from Maya, at 8.30 she is asleep. I tidy again the house (or at least the living room and kitchen) and at 21,30 I am at my desk, trying to write. I am usually so hyped or tired that I cannot hold a pen between my fingers. I drink a coffee and some Diet Coke and try to recollect my thoughts. Thoughts recollected, I have to go to bed as I am not able to write. Nothing comes. Nada. Zero. In bed, I read until my eyes hurt and then I try to fall asleep. Then, the other thoughts, bad bad thoughts start creeping on me. Sometimes, also the cat. Finally, at 2,00 I manage to fall asleep. At 3,00 I woke up as the cat is licking my toes. I put the cat out. The cat scratches at the door. I take the cat and shut her in the kitchen. 4,00 o'clock and I am wide - eyed awake. At 5,00 I finally fall asleep...for two hours.

And this is a good day.

Variant Number Two, or the Type B Days

This applies to the days when my daughter is sick. Then I get caught in a carousel of doctors, ER, worries, medicine, high fever, panic attacks, coffee, lots of coffee, and there is no day or night, just me, waching over Maya. Because my husband works in another city I have to deal with all the problems by myself. The last time Maya was very sick I panicked like I never did. I even dropped my cellphone in the bath (Maya had a very high fever and I was giving her a bath to lower the fever) as I tried calling the doctor's office. I remember I kept calling and nobody answered, not at the clinic, and I called her homeopath, a great guy and he told me to take her to the emergency room at our health clinic. I don't drive and even if I did, my husband's got the car, so I remeber putting her in the old buggy and pushing her like a madwoman./

When Maya is sick I also get sick, literally. I have fierce stomach aches and...stuff. I usually drop a few kilos (not to worry, I quickly put them back, as I tend to eat lots of sweets when she starts feeling better).

Then, there are the in-between days, when Maya is on the mend and we're at home and she has my full attention because there is nobody really besides me. This are the days when I don't see anybody beside her, my husband and sometimes my son. I don't talk to anybody, nobody calls,nodoby knows if I am dead or alive. Sometimes, they call from the kindy to check on Maya. Also, in between meetings, my husband call from work. I am lucky I get the newspaper and I have the internet, otherwise I wouldn't know what happens outside our apartment.

And still, minding my daughter is the best thing that happened to me in the last ten years. It is really a blessing to be able to be with her, see her growing, becoming a person...Ifd anything, I am a happy (although slightly mad and very depressed) mother.

Before I finish I have to ask myself...if each day I tidy, cook, do domestic stuff how comes my house is always a pigsty and there is never anything to eat?

What is Wrong With Me????

2011-01-24T16:07:00.009+02:00

Image via Wikipedia Somedays, well, most of them, I think I am defective. I am made wrongly, something doesn't fit, something is not in the right place. Could I blame it on my childhood? Genes? Chemical imbalance? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? And if it really is wrong, how to fix it? I mean, look at me, I always find problems and faults, even though there aren't any.

At night, I cannot sleep because I think about death and dying and I have panic attacks. I am afraid to send my daughter to kindergarten because of diseases and viruses. You cannot blame me, after what happened last year....still, I am not able to get over it. If I fall asleep, I wake up to check on Maya, then I continue to worry. Sometimes, the worry gets physical and I get sick. I try not to think negative thoughts, I watch comedies, I read good books. While I am doing it, it is fine. Afterwards, it is business as usual.

I try to write but I am so exhausted mentally that I cannot concentrate.

I feel ashamed while writing this, believe me, because I know there is so much real pain and suffering in this world. But I canot help feeling what I feel. And I have to write about it, otherwise I'll go crazy, for sure. Even if nobody gives a damn about it. I write for me, sometimes when you recognize the fear and isolate it, you can watch it directly in the face and try to find a way to cope.

I think that the stars are not aligned the right way for me. Because it doesn't matter what I try to do, I fail. Oh, and usually everything I could try costs money. Cheering up needs a lot of cash and I am not there, not anymore.
I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore. Because every time I am doing it, I see an old, ugly, unhappy person.
My husband says he doesn't see me smiling like I used to, in the beginning...

My only happy moments are with my daughter. When I look at her, I realize I have to do something, for her sake. Because she needs me and I have to teach her how to fly. And I am afraid I forgot how to do it...

About a Nice Bowl of Soup and Saving Money...

2011-01-22T11:28:00.002+02:00

Please go over to my other blog - One Year Without a Dime and read about how I concoted a huge pot of chicken soup for Maya while being very thrifty... Yummy!

The Odd Thought...Really...Not Much so Don't Bother Reading

2011-01-20T21:18:00.004+02:00

I don't know what is happening with me lately...I really hoped that this year, 2011, will be more...I don't know...or I'll be more...and instead, I became lazy and I am just having this "couldn't be bothered attitude" towards things that I know are important. For me, I mean.
Maya is feeling better but to tell you the truth, I am keeping her with me at home, for now. The flu is having a great time here, in Israel, the hospitals are full, at Maya's kindy almost half of the kids are sick. So I am not taking any chances. But that also means I don't have place in my mind for anything else, not much, anyway. And I always have this feeling I am not doing enough for her, so I tend to transform our living room into some sort of playroom cum kindergarten and I plan for her fun and learning activities. And the time just flies and in the evenings my head is so full it keeps buzzing like I have an angry bee trapped in my skull. And then there are good nights stories and kisses and hugs and I am so tired I just reach for the book (or Kindle) that's on my nightstand. I've been reading a lot these days. Soon I'll post about those books. I am only telling you that I discovered Cornelia Funke and I am amazed. I read "The Thief Lord" and "Inkheart" and I am making my way through "Inkspell". The woman is amazing.

I keep looking at myself in the mirror and I see I am getting old and that frightens me because I didn't do half of the things I wanted to and isn't just the time flying...

One Big Question...

2011-01-12T22:56:00.003+02:00

Image via Wikipedia I was asking myself a question on my other blog and maybe you could help me, also...
Please go there and read my post..
.http://oneyearnomoney.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-to-fight-addiction-of-foulest-kind.html

Little Luxuries and a Phenomenal Article

2011-01-10T14:34:00.004+02:00

Image via Wikipedia Maybe this post would be more appropriate on my other blog, because it talks about one of my luxuries, something I cannot live without and that is a newspaper subscription.
As a former journalist, I have to know what happens in Israel and the world and because I don't exactly read in Hebrew, I have a subscription to the English edition of "Ha'aretz" (it comes together with "International Herald Tribune", so two newspapers at the price of one, it's a deal, isn't it?). I like "Ha'aretz" very much (and no, they didn't pay me to say this), they are always spot on and also more left than right and not that religious.
Usually reading an Israeli newspaper it is not something to make you smile, but this morning Bradley Burston's "When the Messiah comes, Israel will deport him" made me laugh, actually...
Please read the article HERE. The article sums up with lots of humor the atmosphere of the Israeli society at the beginning of this new year (era?).

Gothic Reading Challenge - Take One

2011-01-09T19:21:00.005+02:00

Image via Wikipedia As I am a very eclectic reader, I don't plan in advance what I am going to read...I go according to moods, in general. This year I've joined the Gothic Reading Challenge and this is my first post about it. By chance, I've already read two books that could be cataloged "gothic", or at least, have gothic elements. The first one is "Wuthering Bites" by Sarah Gray , and as you can see from the name, the book is a "remake" of the classical "Wuthering Heighs". I have to say it is the first book of this kind that I actually finish and enjoy. I tried "Jane Slayer" and "Little Women and Werewolves" but...yuck, no thank you. Maybe the theme in Wuthering fits the vampire literature genre or maybe the author knew how to spin the tale...the result was not spectacular, but OK, I guess. I also liked the cover.
Secondly, I've just finished "The Passage" by Justin Cronin. Again, my reaction was...lukewarm. I liked the idea and the first part of the book, but then the book became too much for my taste. A bit boring at certain moments...Seven hundred and something pages...come on...and, of course, it left me with the felling that the book is kind of...unfinished...are we talking about a sequel?"
(Well, I am an idiot...of course it is all over the internet that "The Passage" is the first book in a trilogy). Everybody is very hyped about the book, I think a shorter version would've do the trick. well, I found some people on good reads that thought like myself, that it is too much going on in the middle of the book, so I am not the only one...But I would highly recommend "The Passage", it is a very good read and Cronin is a very good atmosphere builder...
I don't know which book will be the next, for now I am reading "The Wizard Heir" by Cinda Williams Cima. A nice read...a bit Percy Jackson, but OK. Although I need to let the reading aside to do some writing of my own...

Dreaming of Things I Could've Done

2011-01-09T12:25:00.007+02:00

It is the beginning of a new week, here in Israel. Maya is still a bit sick, so she is staying at home for now. And that means I am spending my days my daughter's style, and that implies a lot of "activities" as she calls them: spelling, worksheets, reading, drawing, painting, coloring and such. I also have a lot of "help" when doing housework or cooking, which means everything takes at least three times longer to do than usual. But I don't want to discourage her, so staying at home with Maya means a lot of patience also. And not much time to do anything else. In the evening I am so tired, mentally and physically that I drop like a drunken fly. So I read her bedtime stories, I listen to Maya's soothing music and read till my eyes sting and then I dream of things I could've done but forgot or simply couldn't be bothered.

Belated Christmas Pressie - I Got a Kindle!!!

2011-01-04T17:20:00.004+02:00

In an attempt to convince me not to buy more books - maybe because our house looks like you can see from the pictures, my dear husband got us/me a Kindle! My beautiful daughter is modelling for it...

For New Beginnings!

2011-01-02T12:19:00.004+02:00

Image by aeter via Flickr I have another blog, or better said, my blog has a younger sister. It is called "One Year Without a Dime" and I've just written the first post. Come and visit!

Oh, Come On, It Is the First of January!!!

2011-01-01T12:03:00.004+02:00

Image by Adam2115 via Flickr Speaking about bad beginnings...I said earlier I don'tlike resolutions,or plan,because there is always something that comes along and spoils everything...
It is the first of January.. New year, new beginnings, right? So why does it feel like nothing changed? ..
Maya is sick, she had a bad head cold, sneezes and has a very stuffy nose. We also began treatment with some nasal spray (as she cannot sleepat night becuase of her nose and the dr said it is likely to be some allergy, I am not convinced, though) and I am watching her closely because after I read the medicine's leaflet I am waiting for side effects. "Does her left cheek look swollen up?", I am continuously asking myself,"Is that a rash on her cheeks?"
I am going crazy with worry. So, same old me...
I didn't cook anything yesterday so no good food in the new year. Of course because I want to be frugal I forgot to buy important stuff, like,f or example, a chicken for the soup? I said I am going frugal, but still,I cannot cook chicken soup without the main ingredient. Or without vegetables...I have only the carrots...
We are also catsitting for Prince, Dasha's father. His owners went to Barcelone for the New Year. And Dasha is beyond herself, as she hates Prince's guts. Shefollows him everywhere, spits and wants to beat him up... So, add one over-excited cat to the combination...
Nothing really changes, right?
Nothing good ever happens to me...

Good Bye 2010, Welcome 2011 - My Year of No Spending

2010-12-31T16:42:00.007+02:00

I didn't plan on posting today, but as it is the last day of 2010 and everybody in the blogosphere is doing resolutions, recaps, countings and such, I said, well, Ramona you have to do it also...

I don't do New Year resolutions as I don't follow through afterwards and I end up feelling bad. Instead, I'll just look back at 2010 and maybe jot down some thoughts for 2011, you know, just in case...

2010 far one of the worst years I remember. It began with Maya's illness and then my state of mind just went spiralling down and I also had some health scares of my own...But, the same, it had some good things too. Dasha, our cat, came into our lives and it wasn't the same ever since; we travelled to Romania with Maya and had the time of my life...oh, and Maya's illness wasn't some brain disease after all, just a very-very bad case of Rotavirus, neglectful doctors and bad hospital equipment. I reconected with my high-school best-friend and I also had the opportunity to see the mother of another good friend - I didn't know at that time, but she passed away a few months afterwards...I also made the aquintance of a lot of nice people, mainly though Facebook and the blogosphere and for this I am really grateful. And of course, I continued to work at my fiction book, finished the first draft and take up the sisiphean work of editing it...

All in all, it was a dramatic year, with powerful ups and down and at certain moments I was sure I was going to loose my sanity...

Thoughts for 2011?

To finish the damn book.

To live more and worry less (yeah, sure, as if...)

I am also doing some sort of experiment...because I am fed up with worrying about money, spending to much, too much shopping, overdraft, banks, money, money, money I will try to live for one year without spending one dime, apart from the bare essentials, of course. So, no clothes, no books, no make-up, no fancy-schmancy toiletries and stuff. Only food, clothes for Maya, medical care (for us and Dasha). I'll try to hand-made, repair, sew, knit and not buy new things. I had enough of living in the hamster wheel. This is my attempt to break free. I've set up a new blog for this new enterprise, so, beginning with the 1st of January, I'll track down my (no)spending on that blog. I hope to gain some wisdom and to share it with you, so you're welcome to join me on living one year without a dime (penny, agurot, you got the ideea).
Happy New Year to all of you, my dear friends!
May 2011 be a better year, of not the best of our lives...

There is More to Life Than Christmas

2010-12-23T21:29:00.011+02:00

Image via Wikipedia All this Christmas thingy left me absolutely shattered, mostly mentally. I experience such a deep depressive state around major holidays it takes some time to recover, believe me.
Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good things going on in my life (aproximately) and there are even advantages of living in a country where they don't celebrate Christmas. For example, there is no last - moment Christmas shopping rush, no over-priced merchandise ( I actually bought Maya two pairs of sneakers at a bargain price). But there are also no outdoor lights, no decorated trees, no carols or carolers, no days off work, no stuffed cabbage, nothing from the stuff I got back home...Well, everything comes with a price tag, and mine was....a little bit too expensive, I guess. As if it wasn't enough that I had to try to adjust to a different country, different mentality, different folklore and traditions, I also had to learn and live without so many things that I didn't know were part of who I am.
I miss my family a lot these days and also the friends I left back in Romania, and the atmosphere and the snow...
It is like I live two realities, sometimes even more...Confusing, huh? It is what I do at home, and then the face I have to put when I am among people and then I have to become somebody else when I write, otherwise it doesn't work...And so, sometimes I don't even know who I am any more...
Anyway, we have a Christmas tree (actually, we have three), Maya wrote her letter to Santa Claus asking for Buzz Lightyear (and she'll get it) and even though my husband works tomorow, we'll stay at home on Christmas night, together, creating our traditions and making it happen for us, even if a bit unconventional. Because there is more to life than silly dogmas and stupid rules and the idiots that made them...
Merry Christmas to you all!

Christmas is Here ! (For Me, at Least)

2010-12-19T09:32:00.004+02:00

I am so thrilled! We received a huge box full of Christmas goodies from Romania. My good friend Agy sends me each Christmas such a package and I always look forward to it. This year we were two to share the joy!

Thank you Agy, you've made my bleak Christmas bright !

Camera,Thank You For the Memories

2010-12-17T18:17:00.030+02:00

What a joy that nowadays we have technology and instead of relying solely on our memory we have other means for remembering....The trip to Eilat was great and I thought about sharing, at least the images, if not the feelings that came with them.

After a scary sand storm in the desert and a 5 hours road, we finally reached Eilat...

Our room had a little nook, like a bunk bed, where Maya (and her daddy slept).

Our hotel - The Orchid is built like a small village, with this cute little villas, Thai style.
The hotel is nested under the desert rocks, as seen from the marine Observatory, where we spend a whole morning watching the fish...

Speaking about fish, Maya and daddy took a dip in the kiddies' pool. (photo nr.6)

The Red Sea, at sunset. Isn't it gorgeous (photo nr. 7)

This stone wall was actually opposite our door.
(photo nr. 8, with Maya demonstrating it for you, also photo number 9)

The colors of the Negev desert, on our way back.

Look at the the beautiful sky!

The road, right in the heart of the Negev.

This is near the Dead Sea, I thought it was Loth's wife (you know, the one that was transformed into a rock), but I was mistaken....Sorry....

A glimpse of the Dead Sea.

Then, back home, but I am not going to show you that...because...well, I just won't...

I am sorry, I tried a million times to edit my post and to make the comments match the pictures, but I just couldn't. So I just numbered some of the pictures...Sorry once again, but hit me in the head and call me stupid, I am no computer whizz, so...Just enjoy the pictures, will

you?!

Sand Storms and Fears And...All's Well When the Sun Shines Again

2010-12-13T15:06:00.005+02:00

Image via Wikipedia I think by now everybody knows a bit about the harsh weather conditions that have hit Israel in the last few days. From snow on the Mount Hermon to the terrible storms and heavy rains in the north and center and the horrific sand storm in south and the Negev desert.
http://www.haaretz.com/print-edition/news/winter-storm-lashes-israel-causing-chaos-and-damage-1.330292

Well, we'd seen a god part if it, as we took off for Eilat (Red Sea, the southest point on the map) on Sunday morning, where in Ashdod (where we presently live) near the port, a ship sunk because of the weather.
In was absolutely hellish! First, it was the wind, very strong and then the sand...When we reached Mitzpe Ramon and stopped for a coffee and a pee, it was so cold and windy Maya said: "Look, mom, my teeth chatter!"
I promise to put pictures in the near future, I cannot transfer the pictures to my laptop now, so, be patient!
Anyway, I am don't intend to write in this post about the journey itself, but about myself during it. I was very surprised to register the reactions I had to all of it. Firstly, I was terrified. The gales of wind kept hitting the car from one side, then the other and I was panick stricken. Not even able to utter one word. My stomach was the size of a pea and the throat constricted...Tried very hard to keep a poker face, not to frighten Maya. She took everything naturally...I was pleased and amazed to see her keeping her cool during such an unusual situation for her...
Well, what stopped me to jump out from the car and run back screaming was my husband. He was so calm and composed, his hands gripping the steering wheel, eyes on the road. Unbelievable...while I was muttering prayers under my breath and pretending I was somewhere else.
I don't know where all this fears come from...I was different, so different when I was younger. But I think most of this started when I realized my life is not under my control any more and also after the health problems we had with Maya in the beginning of this year. Those events shattered the rest of self esteem I had left and began to dig at the foundation of my being. I absolutely need to do something about it, otherwise I'll make myself ill.

At the end of our trip, some 30 km before Eilat, the sand storm stopped abruptly, the sky became clear and the sun was back on the sky.

The Brightness of Winter Holidays

2010-12-07T17:12:00.005+02:00

Candles burning cheerfully in Maya's hanukiah

oh Christmas tree
the plumpness of big bellied doughnuts

sweet cinammon smiles
oranges and cloves

all over the place

cardboard snowmen
and paper snowflakes

the brightness of winter holidays at our house

Food Porn

2010-12-07T15:39:00.005+02:00

I don't usualy post pornography on my blog, but I just couldn't resist this persimonn...Was it glad to see me or what???

Snow

2010-12-06T20:14:00.006+02:00

Look, it snowed in our home last night.

A little elf came and adorned the barren branches with sparkling snowflakes.

I feel hopeful.

And I am afraid of the new feeling unfurling in my soul.

Because

whenever I felt this way, something bad came along...

Saint Nicholas and The First Rain Drops of Winter

2010-12-06T15:25:00.003+02:00

Today is Saint Nicholas and of course we celebrated it...

Yesterday evening Maya put her old pair of boots (I have to buy her new ones, her feet are enormous!) near the living room window (as we don't have windowsills) and in the morning : Ta-daaa!Presents! She was so pleased! She received some Scoby Doo action figures, a game, lots of books and sweets. We played and watched a Scooby Doo DVD, of course and stayed in our pj's until lunch time.

Dasha was present, too.

This year I received a special present, from the One that loves and protects us: RAIN. Thank you, God.

A Very Special Request - Christmas Cards for Maya

2010-12-05T09:27:00.006+02:00

You've heard me many times complaining about how life gets harder around major Christian holidays. It is even harder now, with my daughter Maya... First of all, I don't want her to feel different, so we always celebrate the Jewish holidays in our home (we are a mixed family, living in Israel, after all, and I love and respect the Jewish faith). But, on the other hand, I am Christian, this is my faith and even though I am not a religious person, I keep it in my heart and soul.

Most of the time, I can cope. The most difficult time is around the major Christian holidays, when I miss being back home, in Romania. Because what I really don't have here it is the SPIRIT of the holidays. No Christmas trees (thank you for the plastic ones), no outside lights, no carolers or carols played on the TV or radio, no snow and no family to meet for Chrismas dinner. No gingerbread houses, no Santa Claus at the mall...And still, no biggie. I came here by choice and I am ready to face the consequences. What hurts me the most is Maya growing up without all this. So I try very hard every year to do as much as I can to create, at least at home, a festive atmosphere. I want Maya to feel it the way I did when I was her age. No matter what it takes (or costs).

And so I come to the special request I have: PLEASE SEND MY DAUGHTER CHRISTMAS POSTCARDS. She loves to receive postcards but nobody ever thinks about sending her postcards for the holidays. With the internet and all that...Also, nobody ever send us Christmas cards, I don't really know why...

So, if you want to make a little girl very happy, send her a postcard. Just live a comment with your email adress and I will send you our postal adress. I don't want to put it on the blog...paranoia, you know...

...And See Where it Takes Me

2010-12-04T21:41:00.007+02:00

I am trying very hard to keep my head above the water, these days...I feel bad, physically and mentally and everything seems like a chore. I am sleeping a lot, me, an insomniac, and I think these are my body and my mind, telling me something is wrong. So I am taking a break and listening hard. I am not very concerned (yet), I think everybody has ups and downs and periods when doubting everything. Thank God for Maya and the books, the things that help me cope. My daughter is the anchor that keeps me from drifting away and the books are the much needed escape from reality. What I really miss are friends and family, someone to talk to, someone to share with...But I am getting used to this deep loneliness that frezees me to the bones. It made me know myself better, understand myself better and coming to terms with whom I truly am.
Redemption lies within ourselves and even if it is damn hard to reach inside, it is the only way.
I am going with the flow and see where it takes me.
And if i have to make this journey alone, so be it.

(Picture - "Loneliness”- Walking away on the sand dunes of Oregon. Alexandre Buisse – July 2008)

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry...

2010-11-30T21:06:00.006+02:00

I am sorry I am such a bad blogger. I don't know what happened...I've been enjoying so much this blog business, until some time ago...Maybe it is the fact that I am going through a bit of a rough patch lately, maybe it is the most dreaded of all - the middle age crisis,or the Christmas blues that hits me every year, the loneliness...I don't know, something it is definitely happening....

I found solace in my writing in the darkest hours of my life and it shouldn't be different now. Writing is my life, my soul, without my writing I am nodoby. When I write I drift to another place, where I can be whatever I want to... where I am the one holding the reins. Writing helps me cope with the reality, writing defines me as a person, as a whole. Without my writing I am unfinished, unwhole...
I promise I'll try harder...
I won't stop.
I won't be another lost voice, another unredeemed poor soul.
I am here and I not going away.

Busy Little Hands...Mostly A Photo Post

2010-11-17T22:00:00.008+02:00

We have been very busy lately, Maya and I. Because she was at home sick, but not that sick as to be bedridden I had to come up with lots of activities to keep her busy and entertained. And because the results were very pretty I thought it would be nice to share them with you.

Of course, we always have to start be centering ourselves, doing a short meditation and a few Ohms...

We made pumpkins from playdough, we painted a lot of autumn leaves (as I said before, here in Israel we don't have an authentic, continental fall, so we had to improvise)

We used a lot of toilet rolls, and made a bat mobile and some owls and, I think, cats.

And when we finished we were sooo tired...

Good night!

There Is a Time For Everything, Isn't It?

2010-11-15T13:15:00.005+02:00

Image by Surat Lozowick via Flickr Everything was ready: Maya and her father asleep, a big glass of ice-cold Diet Cola waiting for me on the desk, even Dasha the cat settled for the day...white pages waiting to be filled, the on-line thesaurus for unexpected synonyms on hand, lots of pens and pencils...

But it wasn't to be...Even the best laid plans and all that...Maya started coughing really bad and I had to be with her, sooth and confort her through the awful fits of racking cough. My head was full of words and images and figures of speech...I tried to tell myself that there is a time for everything, but lately I just feel there isn't enough time for me. I mean, I am 45, for goodness sake, raising a four and a half spirited little girl! What was I thinking??? I know it sounds selfish, but, the truth is, I forgot what being selfish means. I usually think about my family, my daughter before I think about myself. This type of existential crisis passes really quickly, becuase I don't have time to dwell upon it when my kid is sick.

In the end, after Maya fell asleep I made myself a coffee, went to the toilet (not to disturb my sleeping daughter) and jotted down on a notebook (I have several strewn along the apartment, you know, just in case, when a brillian idea appears from nowhere) the scene that kept nudging me. Then, I made myself a cup of coffee and read until the wee hours of the morning...

My Own Writing Momentum

2010-11-07T22:25:00.003+02:00

Image by madamepsychosis via Flickr Even though I am not participating in the NaNoWriMo, there is definitely something in the air...Everybody is writing right, left and center so maybe the Earth energy is shifting or something, because I was also hit by inspiration and working at the second draft of my novel like a woman possesed. Once again, I have to say it is not easy (well, yeah, nothing has ever been easy in my life, but that's another story) because I am writing in English, which is NOT my mother tongue and sometimes I struggle with synonyms and expressions and asuch...but apart from that "minor" glitch, I am glad I caught this momentum and I don't intend to let it go. I am holding to it for dear life, because I want to finish this book I am dreaming about (literally) and prove myself I can do it. Of course it would be easier to write it in Romanian, but, no folks, I am on my way to conquer the world and English is my best weapon. I mean, I wrote a book in Romanian ten years ago and did you hear about it? So, you see? Anyway, the book's universe is a Romanian one, as the action takes place in Romania (in the first book at least, that's the plan), the main character is Romanian and it is based on Romanian traditions and folklore. I owe this much to my homeland, and I am doing this also to free my soul from the clenches of the longing for the country where I was born. Also, Dracula was Romanian, right?
So, I am not going to spend much time here in the near future and please forgive me for that. But I don't have a lot of free time for writing and I intend to use every second the best I can. I promise to come here as often as possible, because I cannot picture my life without this blog and without you, my dear bloggy friends...

Gothic Reading Challenge - I've Joined It!

2010-11-02T12:14:00.003+02:00

I like reading challenges, I really do. It gives my hectic reading style a direction. The problem is, it is difficult for me to follow through. For example, at the beginning of this year I've joined a reading challenge that suited me (it was British literature, my fav) but because of Maya's health problems, even though I'd read a huge amount of books, I stopped it the middle. I hope to be luckier with this one.

So, I joined, went to Wikipedia to read a bit about Gothic literature and get inspired. I didn't decide on what books I am going to read, but for sure I am going for the top. If you are interested in the challenge, please visit Susan's blog (well, her blog for the challenge, as she has her books' review (mainly) blog at Well Manered Frivolity.

And of course, wish me luck!

About Life, Writing and What Falls in Between

2010-11-01T22:01:00.006+02:00

I am still looking for autumn signs outside my window. I think it is a meagre attempt to deal with the horrible homesickness that overpowers me. So I try to mask it by doing autumn crafts with Maya and searching the shops for fabric fall leaves. Till now, no luck. The weather is a bit colder, though. The sea is in the process of changing its colors, and I survive, taking one then in front of the other.

The good days are the ones when Maya is happy and healthy, the bad days, when she is sick and miserable. My rhythm is tuned to her body and soul. At night, I place my palm of her back, or her tummy, to feel her breathing. There aren't many things in my life at the moment. I struggle to write, and it is awfully difficult, as I write only at night, and after spending a day with Maya I am usually so tired I cannot concentrate. My husband tells me there is time, why hurry, but I know it is not true. The time is precious and I mustn't waste it. And there are these words and feelings inside me and I have to set them free. For myself, for my past and for the right to live my remaining days at peace with living an expat's life.

I try to create my own reality, in the end, it is what counts...I won't put on a false identity just for the sake of blending in. I don't want to be different, but this is who I am and if I am to be judged, so be it, I don't care. I feel like I have this tiny device inside my heart that reminds me of who I am, and nudges me to keep on going and tells me stories about hope and finding the beauty in everydays things, no matter how hard it seems to be...

Back From the Land of Poo and Exploding Bums

2010-10-19T12:24:00.005+02:00

Oh, and did I mention the projectile vomit?
Well, now I can lay back and joke a bit about it, but believe me, it was no joke...Maya had a very-very nasty stomach virus that lasted for a week and left my sweet daughter sheet white and with bruise-like huge dark circles under her beautiful blue eyes.
It was a fight and I fought along my baby, helping her to cope with the high fever, terrible stomach aches, debilitating diarheea and vicious bouts of vomiting. Medicine couldn't do much, especially after it was confirmed that it is a virus, so it was up to me to keep her confortable and hydrated - that is the most important thing with stomach bugs in kids, believe me. And because I am slightly (I lied, a lot) paranoid when it comes to dehydration (if you've been reading my blog, you know that at the beginning at the year we had an awful scare after Maya went all stiff and passed out and all the tests and stuff). And because I wasn't able to buy here in Israel sticks for testing her pee (my huband bought some online and we're waiting for them to arrive) I had to run every day to the ER or the laboratory and the d0ctor's office to ask (and beg, when I had to) for a simple test to see if Maya was dehydrated or not. Thank God, she wasn't... Because she is a bit (well, a lot) spoiled and very stubborn she doesn't want to drink tea or rehydration drinks or anything that looks or tastes "suspicious". Mind you, here we have this drink for kids, Minerali, with minerals and stuff, for rehydration, but it's taste is so horrible it makes Maya throw up ( it made me gag when I tasted it, and I can eat or drink any kind of medicine or such). But in the end, I managed to trick my daughter, by adding small quantities of stuff in her grape juice ( the only liquid she wanted to drink).
I am not going to bore you with all the gory details of the last week. Yesterday I was finally able to sleep for the first time in a week and I also managed to clean the house...I scraped vomit from the walls, for godness' sake! But now Maya is feeling better and that's the most important thing and she made it without the hospital...I am so relieved!

So, you see, this was the reason of my absence from the bloggy world, and from any other worlds. When my baby is sick she becomes the highlight of my actions (well, she is usually the most important thing in my existence) and everything else just slides somewhere in the background, blurred and unimportant...

For One Smile

2010-10-11T11:42:00.004+02:00

Yeah, I'll do anything for a smile on my daughter's face...Fight wars, bake cookies, play with dolls, anything. And because she was such a good sport lately, fighting this bad cough she's got for over a month, I decided it's time for a little gift. She loves receiving presents, especially after a long (and dirty) day at the kindergarten. So I bought her today two puzzzles (she's so into them lately, I am surprised, my hyperactive girl, doing puzzles!) , a watch (not that she doesn't have a dosen) and something nice for her fair hair. And, of course, the all time snack of Israeli kids - "Bamba".

I Need to Banish this Demon That's Consuming Me

2010-10-07T09:49:00.010+02:00

Today I was cleaning the house and when I reached the living room I stumbled upon Maya's collection of toy ambulances. Last year, after she was hospitalized, having been brought to the hospital in an ambulance whenever I bought her toys, she asked only for the damn vehicle...
For me, it is a torment. Every time I see her playing with them, in the back of my eyes I replay the horror movie of this year's events, when she was so sick! I still see her in my dreams, stiff amd sheet white, laying uncounscious in my husband's arms. I wake up crying and unable to breath.
I still have nightmares and whenever I hear her coughing I break in a cold sweat. When she has a fever, I have these terrible stomach aches. When she doesn't feel well I am so scared my body trembles and I cannot concentrate.
How do I stop this? I know it is not healthy for me or my family, me living in this dense cloud of guilt. But how to exorcise this demon that is eating me alive? I know that as a parent I have a lot of responsabilities and I try to cope with the challenges that come day after day. But I cannot live with this Damocles' sword hanging over my head. Could I?

Please don't judge me too harsh. If you're a parent, you can at least simpatize with me. I know it sounds exagerated, but believe me, when your child is very sick everything else fades, becomes unimportant.

Maybe I kept these feelings and frustrations burried inside me for too long. I didn't want to accept what I felt becuase I was ashamed I was so weak. But I think that in order to banish whatever demon is hunting me, I have to have the courage to face and confront it...

Fall? What Fall?!

2010-10-04T15:41:00.006+02:00

Image via Wikipedia

I am reading this blogs and they are all about fall decorations, fall here, cold there, nice colors, pumpkin spices...and I am like :"Fall? What fall?" Here we have a very summery weather (actually, I've read in the newspaper that this summer, in Israel, was the hottest ever recorded!!!), it is still hot and humid, and everything goes dry because of the lack of water...
During a period like this I miss Romania. Oh my God, the clear autumn sky, the symphony of colors, the smells...beautiful...It is true what they say, that you realize what you had only after you've lost it! I trully understand now the beauty of the land where I was born and the deep connection I have with it.
Anyway, I am on a quest to find the fall colors here, in Israel. I cannot live only in my memories, can I?