Looking For the Power to Accept

Image by frozenminds via Flickr I am trying very hard to keep it together these days. The aproaching new school year (tomorow is the first of September and the first day of school for the Israeli pupils) brings back only bad memories. If you've been reading my blog since, lets say, the beginning of 2010 you should know the health problems my daughter Maya had, combined with the dissapoinment brought by the Israeli educational system or, better the lack of it.
Last year destroyed me, humiliated me, beat me to the ground. I had to live for two months with the with incertanity, not knowing if my daughter's brain is OK or not. Before that, I spent my nights near her hospital bed, too afraid to sleep...what if she'll have one of her fits again? Even now, when she's sick, I cannot sleep at night, no matter how tired I am.
Yesterday we had some sort of meeting at Maya's kindergarten and that made things even worse. I learned that now there are going to be 35 kids in ONE group, with ONE teacher and ONE helper. It is madness, crazy, you name it! 35 five kids and one teacher? All together in a room that is no bigger than my living room, I swear. And only TWO toilets! Well, the things are getting worse, that's for sure. Last year, there were 31 kids in the kindergarten and I thought this year it couldn't be worse. Well, it is. They don't have enought tables for the kids and even if they would, there is not enough place for at least 8 tables and 35 chairs.
The only light at the end of the tunnel is that I can keep her for one more year at home, if I want. Kindergarten is compulsory in Israel only when kids are 5 years old. And believe me, I will use this for Maya's own good. I can enroll her in some afternoon activities, like drawing and dance and that's it. I can teach her everything she needs to know. This is what I've been doing for the past year anyway, thank you very much...
I hope to keep my sanity and my daughter safe. This prayer is helping me a lot:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

It is Reihold Reinburh's "Serenity Prayer".

Dissapointment, I Despise You!

Yes, I know, I know, I've been MIA for a long time (well, three weeks in bloggy-terms it is a long time), but I am back now, with a vengeance!

The reason why I went missing? Basically, too much bleah in my life lately.
Too much dissapointment.
You know, the imposibility to be where I am dreaming of being. Friends that forget about you the moment you've turned your back, people "helping" you when you didn't ask for it; simply too many problems that seem insurmontable, too much dissapointment, too much loneliness.

Someone once said to me that I have exagerated expectations from the people around me. That I expect them to be the way I am, and that it is not possible.

So, expect nothing and you'll receive plenty? Hard to believe.

Anyway, I am back now and I hope life will be merciful enough not to burden me with too heavy feelings and hapenings...

Love you all and thank your being here with and for me...

Me and My Inner Sisyphus

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I know, I know, I haven't been behaving nicely on my blog...I haven't written in a while...but my soul is in such a turmoil I don't seem able to quiet it down. So, the tempest going on in my head makes a racket, the hugest, and I am not able to concentrate enough to produce some readable and enjoyable piece of post.
It all started when we returned from our holiday in Romania and I found myself living the same tragedy of leaving my country that I'd experienced almost eleven years ago. Somehow, the perspective is different and so am I, but that doesn't mean it is easier for me to cope with the reality. I've been making lists of good things happening in my life, you know , some sort of "count your blessings" master list to blue tac on my fridge and read it everytime I feel homesick. And God is my witness, I have so many positive stuff in my life, I acknowledge it and give my thanks for it. But, darn it, everytime I say this, something comes to blow my bubble of self-contentment... This time, it was a book. I've read it all in a breath and I was like, wow...it blew my mind away. It is Lisa Jewell's "The Truth About Melody Browne". After I finished it, I put it down and stared into space and felt like an idiot. I mean, not in a thousand years I am going to be able to write a book like that...no way...
I have to tell you that this writing business is one the things that keeps me sane, keeps me ticking. Writing for me is like breathing and the hope that some day I would be able to finish a fiction book gives me a reason to fight off the demons. Well, I know a thing or two about writing, as I was (still am?) a professional journalist, I published a non-fiction book and so on. But I did it in Romanian, my mother tongue and now I am struggling to find my voice as a writer IN ENGLISH. And a struggle it is. I don't know, writing in English seems the right thing to do (at the moment at least) and even though it gives me headaches and nightmares I still think I am on the right path...Well, until I stumble across a piece of work like Lisa Jewell's, that is.
So, yeah, it is a Sisyphean task and yeah I constantly feel the urge to burn all those written pages I so proudly call "my book". And yes, now nad then I feel I am crap but ocassionally I am so pleased with myself and if you think I am going to give up, you're wrong. I AM NOT. Because life is a fight and I am such a damn good fighter...

My Little Miss Sunshine - A Photo Post

You know me, I am the one with a dark disposition...I am depressive and melancholic. But God really blessed me by giving me my daughter, Maya. She is all I am not, a happy little soul, and she brings laughter and balance in my life.

She was no different during our holiday in Romania. She took everything so well, naturally, as if she'd been living in Romania all her life. And remember, it was her first time outside the home, as well. I can tell you, I was amazed by her capacity to adapt.

She met her cousins, made new friends (as, for example, Harry the huge boxer dog) and enchanted everybody with her smile and sunny disposition.

She played, conquered the watermelon, ate ice cream with gusto, enjoyed her saussages, fed the pidgeons, smelled the flowers, threw a coin in the wishing well and sometimes just wanted to be a bit naughty...

I'm Back and...um, Reality Really Bites...

Our wonderful, from heaven holiday is over and here I am, back to the harsh reality...It was almost like a dream, so perfect it seemed unreal. I knew I missed my home-land, but I didn't know I missed it so badly.

Being back in Romania was like being home. It felt so right it almost hurt. The smell of grass, the blue sky with clouds playing high, the heat that is so different from the mediteraneean heat we have here. The Big City with its gorgeous architecture, its people, a huge puzzle where every piece found its place... I was at peace there, because there, and only there I find solace and understanding. I am among my own and it feels right.

I am not going to bore you with the step-by-step story of our holiday in Romania. I don't even think I can talk or write about it. I will only try to burry all the memories deep inside my soul to be able to recall them whenever I will fell my ground shaking under my feet. Because I realized now, I take my strenght from there, from my home-land.

I am the mighty oak that survives every storm, no matter how hellish, with the knowledge that its roots are planted firmly in the earth soaked with its forefathers' essence.

It is clear to me that all the misery and depression I've lived lately comes from the fact I am not happy here (to say the least). But I am going to solve all of it, somehow...I have to. For now, I'll leave the happy memories wash over my sadness...And maybe next time I'll tell you how much fun Maya had in Romania...

Thank you all for being here, reading my blog and helping me in this journey. I love you all.

Simply Romania

I don't have time to post...I am to busy enjoying every moment of being in my home country and my adoptive home town - Cluj.

I'll leave you with a few pictures for now.

All My Bags Are Packed...

Since I was a teenager and sang this song with my childhood friend Maria, it reminded me of traveling...And here I am now, ready to leave for Romania...
I am so excited! It is our first holiday since Maya was born and I cannot wait to see my home country. We fly tomorow morning to Bucharest and from there, to Cluj, in the heart of Transylvania. I hope I'll be able to post here as much as possible because Romania is a beautiful country and I am going to give you a Romania 101 course. I hope I won't be too knackered to do that...
Well, I'm off to bed now as I have to wake up early tomorow and I'll leave you with "Peter, Paul and Mary"'s song...

Night Time - My Time

I know I've said it so many times, I read and write only at night, after Maya and the rest of the family go to sleep...I've been doing it for so long that I actually cannot sleep before 1 o'clock at night. I am lucky I don't have to wake up early in the morning, as Maya sleeps until aproximately 8 o'clock, but usually at 4, 5 in the afternoon I reach a zombie-like state and everything just goes fuzzy around the edges. Anyway, it is nothing that I good strong coffee cannot solve.
But lately...well, lately I am not alone anymore in my nightly activities. While I strain my brain writing, our cat Dasha defies my efforts by sleeping on my desk, or keyboard, or even on my notebook. And yes, I don't type directly on my PC. I have to write first, like, you know, pen on paper write. Call me old-fashioned, it is the only way inspiration flows...

If the Stupidity Would Hurt...

Image by duncan via Flickr

It is Friday here in Israel and the Shabbat (the Jewish day of rest) will start in a couple of hours...Yesterday we had a very interesting, educational afternoon as we tried to solve the "DHL crisis". Of course, after my husband came home from work he took the matter is his capable hands and after some e-mails, faxes and phone calls, YES, the nefarious DHL people said I am going to be reunited with my ebook reader on Sunday (here, in Israel, the week starts on Sunday). I am not going to write down the enormities the DHL boys and gals said because I am ashamed of their ignorance. Let me say just that in Romanian there is a saying that goes something like this:"If the stupidity would hurt, the world would be full of people writhing in pain..."

Mr. DHL Israel, You Really Messed It Up!

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You know me, and if you don't, I'm telling you, I am a polite, well-behaved person. But here, in Israel, many times I had to avert to being rude, when dealing with people or institutions. Sometimes, you know the person you're dealing with, so you don't expect much. But when you're dealing with a "serious" international company like DHL...you expect profesionalism, to say the least.
My troubles started when my beloved e-book reader broke, and we decided to send them to the UK to be fixed. The company we bought it from said they'd fix it, so we decided to send it via DHL, because we thought it would be safer and stuff. So, the DHL guy came, we did what we were asked - to print some forms and fill them in, and we payed, of course, a lot of money. A LOT. The e-book reader arrived in the UK, they fixed it and send it back. Until now, everything is nice and breezy. The problems started yesterday afternoon when somebody from DHL Israel called my husband, asking for some papers, I don't know. Hubby told them that we gave all the papers to the guy that took the parcel two weeks ago. Again, somebody called yesterday evening, with the same demand. My husband tried to explain, again, that we are NOT in the possesion of the aforementioned document. This morning I checked DHL's site, where one can track one's parcel. Our was still in "clearance delay" status (been like that from yesterday). At noon, checked again. The same. I called DHL , gave them the number of the parcel and they said they'll call me back. Did they? Of course not. You know the "we'll call you back" sentence usually means "we're in a huge mess here and trying to sort it out".
I try to remain calm, I am taking deep breath and everything...but the human stupidity just winds me up!!! I saw it so many times in action....Stupidity and carelessness in doing one's job. And to think I am the one paying for all this...I am thinking that they've lost the frigging document and they cannot prove my laptop was not a new one, but sent for repairs...
So, I have to say, Mr. DHL, whoever you are, I am sooooooooooooooo dissapointed. Never ever in my life I am going to use you again, even if I'll have to take the parcel to its destination myself.
I am really tired of being treated ALL THE TIME like I don't really count. Only when I take out my VISA card, that's when I become somebody...This time, even that trick didn't work. I am really sick being humiliated by some clerk or other, being pushed aside, being told to wait in line, hold the line, wait this we transfer you...
So I am using my power. My brain power that allows me to write, the power of being smart and feeling liberated by it. So I write, and if you read this, just swear with me and let them fell the power!
My odyssey isn't over yet...Nobody from DHL called me, they're still "processing"...I'll keep you updated...