A Hopeful Easter...

 

I had an entirely different post planned for today, but then I remembered...God, today is Easter! As you may know, or if you don't I'm telling you now, I  am Christian. And for me, keeping my faith and its holidays is very important...But gosh, with what is happening today in my life, I forgot about Easter...shame on me, yeah...

Well, what can I say...I have reasons... apart from the war that has got me suffering from terrible insomnia and anxiety, my husband's disease has made its grand return and it's back with a vengeance... so, at the moment I have difficulties thinking straight...It is the third relapse and until we know exactly what it is and what can be done my head is a carousel of ideas and bad thoughts...

So, yep, I forgot...In the end I managed to dye a few eggs because there is no Easter without dyed eggs but I am going to leave you with one of my posts from the 15th of April 2012...same vibe, in a sense...

"Memories of Easters Past

As here in Israel today is a working, normal day, after I took Maya to the kindy (and I regret it now, I should’ve keep her at home with me, maybe I would've felt better), I ate alone my Easter brunch and remembered the ones from my childhood – the only nice memories that I have about holidays. I recall our Easter breakfasts, our small kitchen and us, the four kids, around it, and the table heavy with food: dyed eggs, ham, spring onions, radishes, Romanian ricotta – "urda", the best ricotta there is, and "kash" – hard, unsalted cheese made from sheep’s milk and the home-made bread with a thick, crunchy crust. And the lunches, even better, sorrel soup with lamb and rice, stuffed lamb with new potatoes and lettuce. Then, the pound cakes, sweet and filled with nuts and sugar... 

After I grew up and left home Easter was never the same and now I’ve lost hope that it would ever be.

My husband, desperate to see me so sad and depressed every major Christian holiday keeps asking me what would really made me happy…And the truth is, I don’t know… I am aware that I cannot move back time and re-live the good times. I am stuck here, in limbo, between the past that haunts me and the present that doesn’t suit me at all.

But, enough of this, today is Easter and I going to wait until Maya gets home from the kindy and then we'll clink and knock Easter eggs until their shells break and we'll say "Christos a Inviat" - "Christ has risen" and I'm sure Maya will want to draw a picture of us...And we'll invent our own traditions, because I want Maya to have happy childhood memories too..."

That is, really...I have some red eggs and no food on the table this Easter, but I have to remain hopeful that, the same as Christ has risen this day, we will rise from our own misfortunes...Yes, it is one of my most miserable Easters ever, but I have to keep going, for my family's sake, as I have been doing for some time now.

 As I said in my previous post, I am not here to reminiscence about the past. If you want to know what I've been up to between approximately 2009-2012 you won't need to read all the posts I'd written then, because I gathered them and I hope soon I'll have them nice and cozy in a book.

I am here now because, as it did then, I feel I need the words to help me. Because, in a sense, things didn't change. I am still alone here. The difference is now I am used to it to this loneliness, I accepted it as a part of myself... 

A lot of things have happened between 2012 and the present day...For one, my daughter is all grown up now, almost 20 years old !!! My son left Israel some years ago and we don't really keep in touch. It breaks my heart over and over again, but I can't do anything about it, just pray that someday he'll find what he is looking for...

My marriage is still holding on, my husband is now retired. Unfortunately, he has a chronic condition that returns every five or so years since 2013 so we had our good times and our not so good ones. Covid, ah, Covid was a bad bad one, it hook its claws into my husband and we almost lost him. Fortunately, God and a very good doctor and an experimental treatment brought him back from the brink of the precipice.

That is, in short, about my family.

About me...well, you'll have to come back because in my next post I am going to tell you all about it. Well, not "all" all, but some.

A Return, Not to the Past

It is said that spring is a time of renewal, of new beginnings…

So, here I am, my long-lost and newly found friends, finding myself on this page, again, after such a long time…

I left the blogosphere almost 14 years ago because… I don’t know exactly, I guess life simply interfered. So many things happened at once and somewhere along the way I got lost. I couldn’t find the strength or the motivation to keep writing.

And then, one day, I felt it - the call. Don’t ask me how or why …I opened my blog and started reading my old posts, and a wave of nostalgia hit me straight in the chest, in my soul. So many memories…

I recognized myself in some of the posts and not so much in others. I’ve changed, in a way and I’ve also stayed the same…Does it make sense?

I’ve been gathering those old blog posts in a book, as a way to relive those years and maybe understand myself better - maybe understand who I became because of who I was. It is almost finished. When it’s done, I’ll close those chapters and put them aside. For me to revisit, maybe. For you, if you wish, to see who I was.

And now I am here. Again.

Me -who got lost somewhere in this jungle we call life, and found my way back. To myself.

The person who I am today, built on the foundation of who I was then, some 17 years ago…

 

Maya is six today!

It is so hard for me to believe that my daughter is six years old! Oh God, how time flies...
Each day I praise the Lord for making me the happiest mummy in the world, the most blessed...

And even if she doesn't have a brother or sister to play with (as her brother is 26) she has Dasha, her cat...as you can see, they are together all the time...

Happy birthday, Maya! May your life be filled with laughter, happiness and joy!

Awarded!

The wonderful Deidra from A Storybook World honored me with this fantastic award:

Deidra is a professional writer and illustrator (the author of seven novels)
 as well as a professional speaker in various venues. In her words:

"Aside from helping other authors reach their dreams, Deirdra enjoys jousting in arenas, planning invasions, singing Celtic songs, horseback riding through open meadows, swimming in the ocean, hiking up mountains, camping in cool shady woods, climbing trees barefoot, going on adventures, and all forms of art, including martial arts."

Thank you so much Deidra, I really needed this to remind me of my path...as I am easily distracted by whatever Fate throws in my way...

Alphabet Bath

I thought that the coming of summer will mean less sick days for Maya...and of course, I was wrong. Last week she began feeling bad and ended up having a very high fever for two days and nights. Believe me, it was so scarry! Her fever wouldn't go down for more than, lets say,  one hour and then would spike up again.. It is most frustrating not to be able to help your child and to watch her going limp and feverish....The only thing that helped were long baths and we were lucky she likes water. And in order to make her stay in the bath longer I put into the water foam letters, in the beginning the ones in Hebrew, then added the latin ones as well, and numbers and all kinds of foam stickers and so we played , makking "alphabet soup" and fishing , even if it was 3 o'clock in the morning.
Now she is better, my sweet daughter and I wait for the summer holiday more that she does... 

Unfortunately, before this, something even worse happened...but about that, next time, now I have to go and play with Maya...

I Am So Worried

When I woke up this morning....it was just a usual Sunday morning: I was sick, my daughter was complaining of a tummy ache, the car wouldn't start, you know, the normal beginning of the week.
But then, I turned on my PC to read the news on line and everything changed...for the worse...I woke up to find out that we had the most bloodiest week-end ever, here, in Israel. No less than five murders had taken place, and in most cases, the criminals were young men. For example, in Beer Sheva, a 36 old man was stabbed by a group of youths, after he asked them to tone down the noise they were making...In Rehovot, another young man was chased in a public garden by other youngsters and was stabbed to death, in...but I'll stop here.
I am absolutely speechless. And worried. Since arriving here, 12 years ago, I witnessed the trasnformation of the Israeli society, from a nation of hot headed, proud and a bit naive people, into a society where violence is seeping into the everyday life like a most deadly virus. The Israeli youth is very violent and out of control, there is a big problem with the alcoohol consumption and so on.
I had been a high school teacher here and believe me, I know what I am talking about. One of my students, a sweet Russian girl was killed by her Turkish boyfriend, and she was 17...I still remember her smile...
And nobody is doing anything. I haven't seen policemen on the streets, on civil guards or anything...I am afraid to go outside at night because near our building we have a small park and every night teenagers go there and get drunk and sometimes I hear them shouting at each other in the wee hours of the morning...
I am a parent, I have two children...and even if my son is 26, I still worry for him ....As for my 5 years old daughter... Sometimes I blame myself for bringing her into this world...What should I teach her? What should I expect from the future?
I do what I have to do as a parent, a try to raise her the best I can...but what about the others? What about the society?
I was always a law abiding citizen and I was surprised, to say the least, when I learned about the attitude Israelis have towards the law...you know, if nobody catches you red handed....you're a good citizen, right? Well, this atitude came now and bit their backsides, if you'll excuse my French. All that live and let live became a huge national problem, because it is now translated into something entirely different, and it has FAILURE written all over it.
I know, there is the national security problems and the world wide crisis and we have the settlements and the religious and the extremists and the foreign workers, and so many problems, real or invented and blown out of proportion that we forgot what is happening in our back garden...
I am not going to say more, because I don't really know what is to be said, just read this article and weep. I did it.

http://www.haaretz.com/news/national/israel-shaken-by-five-murders-in-one-weekend-1.428504

Memories of Easters Past

As here in Israel today is a working, normal day, after I took Maya to the kindy (and I regret it now, I should’ve keep her at home with me, maybe I would've felt better), I ate alone my Easter brunch and remembered the ones from my childhood – the only nice memories that I have about holidays.

I recall our Easter breakfasts, our small kitchen and us, the four kids, around it, and the table heavy with food: dyed eggs, ham, spring onions, radishes, Romanian ricotta – "urda", the best ricotta there is, and "kash" – hard, unsalted cheese made from sheep’s milk and the home-made bread with a thick, crunchy crust. And the lunches, even better, sorrel soup with lamb and rice, stuffed lamb with new potatoes and lettuce. Then, the pound cakes, sweet and filled with nuts and sugar...  

After I grew up and left home Easter was never the same and now I’ve lost hope that it would ever be.

My husband, desperate to see me so sad and depressed every major Christian holiday keeps asking me what would really made me happy…And the truth is, I don’t know… I am aware that I cannot move back time and re-live the good times. I am stuck here, in limbo, between the past that haunts me and the present that doesn’t suit me at all.

But, enough of this, today is Easter and I going to wait until Maya gets home from the kindy and then we'll clink and knock Easter eggs until their shells break and we'll say "Christos a Inviat" - "Christ has risen" and I'm sure Maya will want to draw a picture of us...And we'll invent our own traditions, because I want Maya to have happy childhood memories too...

Happy Easter!

As we celebrate the Orthodox Easter, we dyed the eggs today, Maya was so happy! The package that Agy, my guardian angel has sent us didn't arrive yet ("Thank you", Israel Post) but I had some dye from last year so no problems here. 
This year we didn't bake any cake so I bought some Kulich - that's a Russian sweet bread made especially for Easter that got the thumbs up from Maya.
It is dificult to be far away from my family, and I feel this especially at holidays...but I am thankful for what I've got, and that's my children and my husband and the hope that some day...

Happy Easter!

North...in the Footsteps of Jesus

Last week I had a welcomed respite from all the stress of the past month, as we travelled to the North, in the Galilee. We stayed in Tiberias and visited the Christian holy places scattered on the shore of The Sea of Galilee - Lake Kineret for israelis.

We started our journey at Tabgha, you know, the place where Jesus multiplied the loaves and fishes as to feed five thousand people. That's the name of the church that was built on the site, The Church of Multiplication,

where we lit candles

and we admired the well conserved mosaics

Then, to Capernaum, where we had a special host, as you may see, much to Maya's joy...

Peter's church was closed, so we had to do with the ancient synagogue.

And of course, Maya was there...it fascinated me, my daughter near those ancient stones...

Capernaum was fantastic, so much history and Judaism and Christianity blended together...

But for me, the real surprise was the discovery of this gem, The Church of the Twelve Apostles, an Orthodox church and a fascinating place...

From there, of course, we went to the Mount of Beautitudes where Jesus delivered the Sermon on the Mount.

All in all, it was great and I got the chance to recharge my "spiritual" batteries, to last me until summer...