Life Hurts

My husband is in the hospital. With the treatment that he receives, because it is something new, he has to be hospitalized . 

He calls me. He has a fever. "I have the shakes", he laughs. I can feel it in is his voice, in the way it quivers. 

"Not to worry", he says. "I had them before. It'll pass".

We hang up. 

I begin to cry. A huge weight presses on my chest. I can't breathe. Yeah, it is my anxiety, kicking in. I take deep breaths, trying to calm myself. It is difficult as memories flash before my eyes. .. We went through this so many times and it still makes me nauseous.

I know he has it a million times worse than me...

I know I have to be brave - for him, for my daughter. 

I know I have to plaster that stupid "positive vibes" expression on my face. I know I have to say "It will be all right. ". I know and it is still so, so difficult.

Still cannot breathe properly. Still crying.

This feeling of helplessness is crushing me. It hurts. In my body. I don't know what to do with myself. I beg time to pass quicker, for my husband to tell me he is fine, everything is fine, we are fine. 

My cat jumps on the desk and is looking straight into my eyes. His way of demanding to be fed.

I stand up and go in the kitchen. 

Life goes on. 

Or does it?