This Is My Life Now

 

I try to keep myself busy these days. I clean the house, I cook, I sort stuff in a failed attempt to declutter. But while I am doing that, the cogs of my mind are in constant motion, spinning and whirring. I grind my teeth and carry on until my jaw hurts and my ears are ringing.

I try to read or write.

To breathe.

To put one foot in front of the other.

To live day after day after day.

I am telling myself – it is not the end of the world. Or is it?

Sometimes, for me at least, I feel that it is. The end of the road, more like it.

For her, life begins.

For me?

Yes, yes, I know…let them spread their wings and fly and all that.

Because I understand this, I don’t complain. Well, my heart does, but I keep her quiet with beta-blockers and sedatives.

I hope it will get better. So I am told.

I know I should be grateful and, don’t get me wrong, I am, I mean she went to study medicine, for pity’s sake. But can I be grateful and sad and desperate and glad at the same time? Because this is how it feels right now. So many contradictory sentiments, it is like I am torn apart. And a piece of me is weeping quietly in one corner, another one is shouting and roaring incessantly and one is smiling and answering the phone with an unwavering voice, giving advice on how many bananas to buy and where to keep fruit in order not to spoil and which shirt goes with which jeans and what to do when sleep eludes you.

This is my life now.

And I have this sensation I am living now on the edge of a precipice and I have no idea what will happen next.