Lost in Motherhood

Image by paterjt via Flickr

Some time ago, I was a (almost) normal person. Went to work, enjoyed imensely my job, raised one kid, went out with friends, this kind of thing. I used to go to the hairdaresser's, got my nails done, I used to buy nice clothes and I even went to the gym...Life was (almost) good.
Then, I got remarried and left Romania for Israel. And lost myself, never to find me again.
After a few very strange years, when I tried hard to accomodate myself to a new life in a strange land, worked in a profession that made me sick and became more and more confused, my daughter came along. I remember the first hour after she was born, they wrapped her up in some battered blanket and her father hold her...she was looking with her eyes wide open, as if to take everything in, quiet and amazed...I was so happy and scared I cried for a couple of days as I watched my baby sleep. Then along came the depression and I fought it with all my heart but I just couldn't win. It was a terrible period of my life...Things got a little better and I was able to throw into the bin the antidepressants they gave me. And now I am back at square one. I don't know who I am anymore. Lost in motherhood, without a life of my own, totally depending on my husband for food and shelter, taking up silly hobbies to give myself the illusion I am doing something useful, I am so unhappy sometimes I am ashamed to say it. I know I should be grateful for a lot of things in my life...But I don't think it functions this way... Of course I am grateful for what God gave me, for the husband that provides, but what about me? What am I giving myself to the thankful for? It sounds confusing, and confused I am right now. But I know that until I am not going to do something to prove myself I am still able to do it, life will never be...my own.