The Village's Idiot

 

Sometimes I feel like the village's idiot. As if I am not able to think for myself, to do things without being patronized. Everyone seems to know what's best for me. From politicians that want me to believe I am free, to my husband that scolds me whenever I want to buy something -"You have enough plants, we don't have the space"- or even clean the house -You are cleaning again?! Didn't you clean last week?"- to my daughter, who rolls her eyes at me whenever I tell her something she doesn't agree with.

Yes, I know - I don't have a doctorate, nor am I a successful business woman .I fought tooth and nail to finish my degree, to built something for myself. But, as things in life don't go exactly as planned, I had to leave everything and become what people like to label a "stay- at- home mom", a "homemaker", whatever term is acceptable now. 

And yes, I did it on my own volition, nobody forced me to do it. At the time, I felt I was the one who could give my daughter the best start in life, the best education. Why pay somebody else to do it? And be dissatisfied about that, later. I had seen, from the inside, how the system works. I am not sorry for my decision. My daughter is living proof I did it right.

But, that decision had cost me a lot. My financial independence. My independence - full stop. I became always the one that was available, no matter what. The one who did everything, all the time. And usually, I didn't complain. I told myself I had made my peace with it. But, sometimes - God - sometimes I feel I am going to explode!

As I get older I realize that, by nurturing everyone else, I set myself aside. And by setting myself aside, I taught others to do the same. 

So, I rebel from time to time, in small ways. I go on buying sprees. I write poems. I stay up all night reading. Small things - but they feed the illusion that I am the master of my own life. 

Which I am not.