Thursday, October 7, 2010

I Need to Banish this Demon That's Consuming Me

Today I was cleaning the house and when I reached the living room I stumbled upon Maya's collection of toy ambulances. Last year, after she was hospitalized, having been brought to the hospital in an ambulance whenever I bought her toys, she asked only for the damn vehicle...
For me, it is a torment. Every time I see her playing with them, in the back of my eyes I replay the horror movie of this year's events, when she was so sick! I still see her in my dreams, stiff amd sheet white, laying uncounscious in my husband's arms. I wake up crying and unable to breath.
I still have nightmares and whenever I hear her coughing I break in a cold sweat. When she has a fever, I have these terrible stomach aches. When she doesn't feel well I am so scared my body trembles and I cannot concentrate.
How do I stop this? I know it is not healthy for me or my family, me living in this dense cloud of guilt. But how to exorcise this demon that is eating me alive? I know that as a parent I have a lot of responsabilities and I try to cope with the challenges that come day after day. But I cannot live with this Damocles' sword hanging over my head. Could I?
Please don't judge me too harsh. If you're a parent, you can at least simpatize with me. I know it sounds exagerated, but believe me, when your child is very sick everything else fades, becomes unimportant.
Maybe I kept these feelings and frustrations burried inside me for too long. I didn't want to accept what I felt becuase I was ashamed I was so weak. But I think that in order to banish whatever demon is hunting me, I have to have the courage to face and confront it...

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

You shouldn't feel ashamed for having that stomach tightening feeling. If you don't face your fears head on, they will never go away. And if writing about them releases some of it, then good for you. Not everyone copes with uncertainty the same.