It was nice to stay at home, for once. My husband had the day off and so did my son. So we just played, watched some TV, talked...it was really nice, we should do it more often.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
It was nice to stay at home, for once. My husband had the day off and so did my son. So we just played, watched some TV, talked...it was really nice, we should do it more often.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Image by Parvin ♣( OFF&ON - Very limited ) via FlickrMaya is feeling better, thank God. It was that 24 hours virus thingy...she's eating now and didn't throw up today. Oh boy, I was so scarred when I saw her vomiting again! The previous time she threw up it was when all our problems begun...
I am shattered...everybody keeps telling me it will get better and I do believe and hope it will, but I am not that visionary these days, so don't blame me if I'll be skeptical. These past two months I felt like I struggled for air, trying to keep my head above the water, gulping and fighting...Just when I felt the solid ground under my feet, just when I though I found my tiny niche in this crazy, bad world, it was like...zap...and I was left with nothing to ground myself on...And it was scarry...Not so long ago I had won my battle with the anti-depressants and I thought something around "I am the king of the bloody world" because I don't need the white pill to keep me sane...and then the sky fell on my head and that was it. No dreams, no hopes, just living to see my daughter getting better, being strong for her, playing the role of the powerful, supportive alpha mum until my teeth hurt because I kept grinding them.
Maya is so sensitive to my moods, my state of mind...she feels every tiny change in the tone of my voice, every inflexion, she analyses the way I smile and she urges me to smile a happy smile, not a sad one...So I try to play my part well, to be the mother she needs me to be. I never had the mother I wished for. Mine discarded me like you do with an item you no longer need, she just put me aside and took me back whenever she needed me, like, for example all the years when I was the unpaid babysitter for my step brothers and sister. I remember once, I was aproximately 15 years old and I shouted at her: "You never ask me anything. You don't care what I do or what I feel, you never talk to me". And she just looked at me and said nothing...and it hurt, oh, it hurt so much that I can feel it deep in my soul even today. So I promised myself I will care. I will ask my kids and talk to them and be there for them whenever they need me. Because being a mother is a huge responsability and always my kids will come first. Always.
But I digress now. There will be another time to remember other things, to analyse and disect them.
Now, duty calls...I am off to put Maya to sleep.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Image by harold.lloyd (won't somebody think of the bokeh?) via Flickr
What has happened with us this last couple of days?
Well, everything just unravelled gradually, like in a well orchestrated drama. It all started easily, as you'll see in...
After the visit to the neurologist, Maya returned to the kindergarten. Only for a few hours every day, because I didn't intend for her to go full time, not this year.
I am still under the influence of the past events, so, we'll take it easy. On the other hand, it made me an ocean of good to have some "me" time, since I was 24/24 with my baby this past couple of months.
As a side-conflict, as have to say I still have problems sleeping, though, still having nightmares. Sometimes, I wake up at 3, 4 o'clock in the morning and I feel a panic attack creeping, trying to get to me and I have to fight it off...imagine, 3 o'clock in the morning, when one's deffences are so low, not fair at all.
And then events began to precipitate, as you'll see in...
Today we was supposed to take Maya to a homeopat, for some imune system strengthening, but they called from the clinic that the doctor is sick, so they moved the appointment to next week.
And then, as to bring everything to an apocaliptic climax, Maya had diarheea and she threw up once...After only two days of kindergarten...I don't know, maybe that place is cursed or something. During the time she was at home with me after being hospitalized she wasn't sick even for a day, half a day, whatever. And it is not as if I kept her under a glass bowl or something... I said to myself and my husband, if this vomiting - shitting thing doesn't go away and she won't get better, we' re finished with kindergarten for this year. It is unhuman what is happening to her. Tomorow they are supposed to dress up and have a party at the kindergarten because it is Purim. And she's staying at home. Again. My poor baby...
I don't believe it, I really don't...Well, at least I had my few hours of freedom...
Why does everything have to be a bloody fight these days?
What is wrong and why? Am I doing something wrong? Is this system faulty?
Too many questions and I have a killer of a headache. Maya is sleeping now, sweet baby. I am so sad, her pretty Snow White costume hangs in our bedroom...Oh, never mind. I hope she'll be better in a couple of days and then I'll take her shopping dressed in her costume, and we'' have fun and...God, help us, please!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Image by cindy47452 via FlickrHave you ever felt so happy that you wanted to climb the highest mountain and scream "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahooooooooooooooooo!"? Have you ever been so happy that your skin felt too tight to contain your feelings? Well, I felt this way today after the visit to Maya's neurologist. After he checked her up and went over all her tests, he said there is nothing wrong with her.Thank you God, thank you! She doesn't even need a follow up visit or other tests. My baby is fine! There is nothing wrong with her brain, no anomalies, nothing! The doctor said that he thinks the seizures were caused by the Rota virus and her severe dehydration and mineral imbalance...
I am so happy, so thankful...I cannot even express in words the way I feel. Relieved...After more than a month of waiting and waiting and tests after tests, I am relieved to see the end of it.
I want to thank you all, my friends, for being with me all along this difficult journey, for your kind words of encouragement and consolation. I am grateful that I have you all and I really hope I learned my lesson along the way.
So, I am just going now outside, climb on the highest cliff facing the sea, spread my arms wide, look the Creator into his eternal eyes and scream, from the top of my lungs:"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Image by wickedboy_007 via FlickrFor the past couple of weeks, Maya has been feeling better and better...Her latest test results were good and on Monday we have to take her to the neurologist. And today, WHAM! she fels from her bed and bumps her head. I am still weak at the knees and my hands are trembling as I write this. 99% of the time I am with her (I don't even go to the toilet by myself, she insists on coming with me) and during that 1% that she is by herself, she bumps her head! She has know a HUGE purple bump on her forehead! What is the doctor going to say? That I am an irresponsible parent? Well, he'll be right, I am. I blame myself for what happened to Maya last month, I blame myself for today's accident...I know this doesn't help my baby, but this is how I feel.
For now, I am keeping her by my side, to see if she develops other symptoms and I just feel my internal organs turning into jelly...
And by the way, I decided this year to fast during Lent (actually, the Great Lent, as I am a Greek Orthodox, my family changed its religion during the Ceausescu years in Romania, because the Catholic religion was forbidden) as a way of saying Thank you to God for keeping Maya alive, for helping her where us, humans, failed her. I am so grateful and I thought that fasting for 40 days, meditating and trying to be a better person will be my way to express my gratitude and love for God.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Image by KM&G-Morris via FlickrI haven't been blogging lately as an "old" condition of mine has been giving me a hard time. I know that because of Maya's health concerns I've been neglecting mine and now they are back with a vengeance...My problems are related to my womanhood so I am not very comfortable talking about them and boy, are they giving me grief or what...I am pretty concerned because usually this kind of problem ends with surgery and I have my issues with doctors, I don't exactly trust them...
And talking about not trusting doctors... When Maya's health problems started, aproximately one month and a half ago, I was very concerned and took her to the emergency room. There, they said her general state is good and send us home. I have it written black on white on the release papers we received there and they also wrote that she isn't dehydrated (based on what assuption, because they didn't do any tests, I have no idea). Well, surprise, surprise! Next day we were back after Maya had her first episode of convulsions and the urine test showed she was severely dehydrated!!! She was admitted and well, you know the rest. Oh, on top of everything, we have to pay for our first visit to the ER!!!!! 600 shekels, and that is a lot of money! Because they looked and her and send her home when she was very sick! Honestly, if they'll take the money I am thinking about suing. Because just isn't right! My baby-girl almost died because they didn't do their job properly and I have to say thank you and pay for it. NO WAY! And it is not the money, it is the principle.
Oh, this effing world is so buggered up! Doctors treat you like they'd treat an annoying fly and I say a "thank you" prayer to God every night because He saved my baby's life and not the bloody doctors!!!
I am upset, very upset...and I don't want to put myself willingly in the hands of some butcher so I don't know what to do...I am going to research every type of alternative medicine possible and go with it. My condition is not life-threatening and of course this problem would've been avoided if someone nice enough would've told me after I gave birth to Maya what I needed to do...
So, you see, doctors are on my Christmas list right now. Although I have a very good friend who is a doctor and the only HUMAN doctor I've known for a long time...He helps whenever he can and I am for ever grateful for this.The only person I would trust my life with at this moment is my acupuncturist, but he is an angel in disguise, so it doesn't count...
Thank God for guardian angels, otherwise we would be in trouble...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Image via WikipediaYou really don't want to know what is going on in my head...I have an overactive imagination, I really do. What can I say. ..Usually it is helpful, because I can build me whatever fantasy world I want, to help me escape reality. I am not deluded, I don't speak to myself (well, not a lot), I am not crazy ( not crazier thatn your average crazy person, that is) and God gave me this amazing tool: my brain, my intelligence, my fantasies.
For a while now, I've moving around with this big idea in my to head: to write a book. It wouldn't be my first one, I wrote and published a book some years ago (aproximately ten years), a book about my journey through Israel. But this book I am talking about would be different. Firstly, because I want to write it in English (that is not my native language) and secondly, because it is pure fiction. Oh boy, huge task...And thirdly, did I tell you I am superstitious? My great aunt, who kind of raised me "taught" me that. And whenever I wrote at my book, something bad happened. For example, last time I worked at it, Maya got sick and she was taken to the hospital. So, I am afraid to even get close to my notebook (I like to write by hand first) and I am becoming more and more obsessed with it.
It is hard. It is really hard to be me, to live in a country which doesn't really want me, where I feel I don't belong, trying very hard to raise my daughter according to my principles of being a good, tolerant person, to keep together a family...But believe me, that is nothing compared to what is going on in my head. And I am really grateful for it. My main problem here is, how to approach my notebook again? The words are literally burning inside me, asking to be set free and I am AFRAID. I know it sounds idiotic, we're not living in the Middle Ages, but still, some of this beliefs are just so deep etched in one's soul...
Friday, February 12, 2010
I received them from Heather http://actingbalanced.blogspot.com/ and Aine http://theevolvingspirit.blogspot.com/. Thank you both very much!
Today it will the the first award, and then I'll "do" the other one in a couple of days...
Now, I have to pass the award received from Heather to twelve fellow bloggers...Of course, they have to do the same...
And this award will go to the blogs that I read almost every day, the blogs that help me sometimes get through my day, blogs that help me deal with my loneliness.
I am passing this award to:
1. Katherine Jenkins from http://lessonsfromthemonkimarried.blogspot.com/ I love her with all my soul, she is such an inspiration for me. I cannot thank the Universe enough for making our "virtual" path connect at some point.
2. Simcha, from http://blog.42scifi-fantasy.com/. Simcha is a friend. I can feel her through her comments on my blog, a friendly presence that gives me hope.
3. Sharni from http://chroniclesofsharnia-sharnanigans.blogspot.com/. She is always here, with me, helping me through this really rough patch. She is funny, and caring and a hoot. I love her.
4. Geanina, from http://geaninalisandru.wordpress.com/ . Likewise.
5.Aine from http://theevolvingspirit.blogspot.com/. Sometimes I think that I really would've liked my mother to be Aine. Honestly.
5. Elisabeth Malou from http://www.blestatheist.com/. A special lady, a special friend. Maybe my second mom?
6. Hevel Cohen from http://www.my3jewishboys.info/. Did I tell you how much I love and respect this guy? It is a pitty that lately he took a break from blogging. I loved to read about his family, about his boys. Come back, Hevel, I need you!
7.Veganf from http://disposableaardvarksinc.blogspot.com/. She is absolutely fantastic... she has a beutiful family, and you just have to check her recipes and the bentos she prepares for her kids...I am sooo green with envy! I check her blog almost on a daily basis looking for inspiration.
8. Sari from http://www.sarifarrell.com/. I love to read her blog and I can empathize with her journey...
9. Marty from http://www.coffeewithmarty.com/. What can I say? I love Marty.
10. Kami from http://nurturingthetenderyears.blogspot.com/. When I want to look up some activities to do with Maya, this is the first blog I check...
11. Mom and Kiddo - http://momandkiddo.blogspot.com/, another mommy blog that I adore...
12. Larissa from http://www.larissaslife.com/. Because whenever I need a good book review, I'll go to Simcha or Larissa's blog. She's so dedicated to her blog and she does such a good job!
That's all for today's award.
I am just sorry there isn't an award for Best Friend or something. Maybe I'll invent it and then I could say: Marieta, my long lost and recently found best friend from all my reincarnations, this award is for you! As well as my heart and my love!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Image by zawtowers via FlickrI struggle.
All my life is a struggle, since I've known myself, I've been struggling to achieve, I've been fighting to win somebody over...
I don't know if I am a winner or a loser, I really forgot how is to feel like being on the top of the world. Lately, my battles are small, domestic ones as I struggle to come to an understanding: why am I here, what is the meaning of life?
I watch my baby girl as she struggles through life and I recognize myself so well in her daily battles. I wanted, just like her, to be a winner. With Maya is like this, you want her to do something, you make it a contest...I hope she will win her battles, at least the important ones. Well, for her, important today is to boss us around and to convince us to do her bidding...She is so strong - willed (not to say stubborn) that I am telling myself she'll achieve whatever she wants from people because she'll exasperate them until they'll give up. At lest, this is her main tactics nowadays.
I struggle. I fall. I get up and continue, and once again...is really that important to win our battles in life? It is that bad to be a loser?
Life is harsh...at least for people like me that has to survive from paycheck to paycheck month after month, since the day I left home and got married an got myself a kid. I am not afraid to battle for what I believe in. I am not afraid to lose. I am more afraid of this state of numbness, where I cannot find something worth fighting for, I am more afraid of me losing my drams, forgeting my aspirations. How do one keeps the flame within alive? What I have to do to shake myself and find me one good battle. I am done with chasing windmills. I want something real, I want to feel alive, to brush my cheeks against the wind of higher planes or the dust of some road, to feel elated, to feel defeated, it doesn't matter, just to feel something, damn it, TO FEEL!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Image by LukeAndrewScowen Photography (2009) via FlickrSometimes I ask myself if tact is something you are born with, or something you can aquire. I really don't know, what I know for sure is that I've met plenty of tactless people lately...What I don't like here, in Israel, is the concept of personal space, or, better said, the lack of it. I am used to my own privacy and I don't like to pry in other people's life...Here, Israelis pride themselves with the phrase "we are like a big family", phrase that for me is just a sign of plain nosiness. Here, complete strangers ask you personal questions and they are offended when you refuse to answer...
Anyhow, what I wanted to say is that I was called "grandmother" again...I think that the person saying it expects a different reaction, like being flattered I am such a young grannie; instead, they receive the full power of my glare. Yes, I am in my early forties and I have a 3 years old daughter. Yes, since I had Maya I tend to go out without make-up when I take her to the park or we go shopping for milk and yes, I do have bad hair days just like everybody else and yes, Maya is a blond with blue eyes type of angel and I have dark brown hair and brown eyes and yes, she is gorgeous and I am just plain and ugly...but that doesn't mean I can not be her bloody mother, for heavens sake! And anyway, we live in the 21st century and it is not something that unusual for women to embrace motherhood when in their forties. And yes, I know that Israelis tend to have kids in their twenties, in the religious sector even younger, but still...
Oh, people can be so tactless and I can be so sensitive. But why do they have to say things like :"Look what your grannie bought you" to my daughter? They could say instead :"Look what nice present you received" or stuff like that...
I am asking too much, right.
So, from now on is full make up even when I'll take the garbage out, and maybe I'll have to dye my hair blond...Or maybe I'll just ignore them, "polite" , annoying strangers.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Image by Ruud Raats via FlickrCaught in the middle
torn between the what if and the
this is it
of a bleak, anonymous existence
dreams of a glamorous life
wilted flowers in the desert
what I am doing here?
the telephone rings
don't answer it
it's the fate
telling about an unborn future that is already dead
I feel my failure deep in the bones
whenever I start writing
something bad happens
come on tears
flood me and short circuit my brain
filled with senseless fantasies.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Image via WikipediaYesterday evening, despite being cold and sick I braced myself for a hot shower. I would've prefered a hot bath, but as water is scarce here in Israel, shower is fine by me.
What can I say? It felt sooo good! I felt cleansed, immaculate as I rubbed myself clean. You know, that sensation that your skin and your hair are so clean they squeak? I am big in personal hygyiene because starting my early twenties and on for a decade I suffered from bad skin allergies...
But what about some inner shower? Some method that can help you purge your soul, your inner core? I really wish I'd be able to do that. To wash away all the negative thoughts, bitter memories, anger, dissapointment...and to emerge from this pure and clean, fresh and light, like when you lift a huge weigh from your soul.
I would like a clean, squeaky cleam soul, young and free, untarnished, without any negative residue, to allow me to dream again and to fly in my dreams and to imagine and live high on my imaginary world. Almost like to be born again...
Friday, February 5, 2010
Image by trekguy2005 via FlickrTemporarily, I hope. And not my literary voice nor my inner one, no, I lost my voice, literally. I have some sort of virus and lately, after the sore throat I simply lose my voice. I can barely speak, so everybody at home is very pleased, as I cannot scowl anyone. Especially Maya does her best to ignore completely my feeble efforts to talk.
The weather is awful, very windy and cold. And living on the 6th floor, with huge windows that overlook the sea is not such a great thing anymore. The rattle of the windows is scary and sometimes, when a big gale of wind hits them, I am afraid that they will shatter. I don't mind the cold, I love a bit of crisp and clean air, I love the rain, but this freaking wind...it drives me crazy. For two days I've confined myself and Maya to the bedroom, as there the windows are smaller and the room doesn't face the sea.
So, we didn't do much these days. No fabulousness, no spiritual awakening...a lot of playing, crafting, reading and watching Sponge Bob DVDs...And lots of tea with honey for me and propolis drops for my throat.
I hope to be back in a couple of days, feeling better...
And before I go, thank you for the awards, Aine from http://theevolvingspirit.blogspot.com and Heather from http://actingbalanced.blogspot.com . I'll "display" them on my next post, as I want to give them the importance they deserve. Thank you again!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Image by catbagan via FlickrI am sick. I have a awfully sore throat and I fell weak and shaky. I think that the past couple of weeks I lived on pure andrenaline and now that the levels of it are low, all the viruses and illneses are on me...So I went out - I had to take Maya out for a walk, she's so restless - and bought myself some vitamins and ginko biloba, because my brain doesn't function the way it should. An example: today I forgot my key in the mail box and thank God a nice neighbour took it and called me...You see?
Maya is well and we're still waiting, for test results and for other tests...This morning, for breakfast, she asked for "dots". I didn't understand what did she want, so I took her to the fridge and asked her to show me. It was the dish that I cooked yesterday, some sort of tiny round pasta in three colours that she loved. So, she had lunch for breakfast, and then I gave her what was supposed to be her breakfast at lunch. Speaking of being confused...But as long as she enjoyed it, I didn't really care.
In one of my previous posts, my friend Simha said something like "I hope you have a community there, in Ashdod, with friends who are helping you out during your rough patch". Well, the truth is, I don't have. I am alone here, in Israel, very much alone. One of the reasons I started writing this blog was to find a way of coping with this loneliness. My family is living far away, in Romania, Germany and England...my best friend from high school and junior high is in Romania, another good friend is in Canada...and I'm here, with my family. My husband's parents are dead, he is an only son and he has relatives in Romania and Hungary. Here in Israel he has two cousins, but they live in the north and have enough problems of their own. Maya's godmother Nora is the only friend I have here, in Israel. But she is working in Tel Aviv and by the time she's back in town she is very tired (she is a cancer survivor and she has to take care of herself more than others) so we meet sometimes during week-ends...I have another good friend, Louise, a fellow book lover, but she lives in another city and it is really dificult to find time to meet up. And that is all. My friends are, more or less, "virtual", we don't drink coffees together, don't go out with the kids...There is one more problem here: all the mothers that have children Maya's age are younger than me. Here in Israel people marry young and have kids quickly afterwards. Also, Ashdod's population has a high percent of Russians and usually they keep inside their community. Not to talk about the fact that I am a Christian, and in Israel Christians are the foreign workers and a certain percent of the Arab population. The religious thing doesn't bother me much only when it comes to holidays and traditions, but I can live with that...I love Jewish holidays as much as the Christian ones and we celebrate them all...It is harder to live without friends...It happened a lot of times that I was at home with Maya when she was sick, or I was sick and we didn't have bread or milk or coffee at home and I simply had to wait for the evening, for my husband to come from work because I didn't have anybody to ask this kind of favour...It is sad, really...
Oh, but who cares? I have so many good friends that I've "met" through my blog and Facebook! And thank God for internet and Yahoo Messenger and Skype and international calls and e-mail! I live in a virtual world but that world is chock full of good friends and positive vibes that empower me!