Sorry, Sorry, Sorry...

I am sorry I am such a bad blogger. I don't know what happened...I've been enjoying so much this blog business, until some time ago...Maybe it is the fact that I am going through a bit of a rough patch lately, maybe it is the most dreaded of all - the middle age crisis,or the Christmas blues that hits me every year, the loneliness...I don't know, something it is definitely happening....

I found solace in my writing in the darkest hours of my life and it shouldn't be different now. Writing is my life, my soul, without my writing I am nodoby. When I write I drift to another place, where I can be whatever I want to... where I am the one holding the reins. Writing helps me cope with the reality, writing defines me as a person, as a whole. Without my writing I am unfinished, unwhole...
I promise I'll try harder...
I won't stop.
I won't be another lost voice, another unredeemed poor soul.
I am here and I not going away.

Busy Little Hands...Mostly A Photo Post

We have been very busy lately, Maya and I. Because she was at home sick, but not that sick as to be bedridden I had to come up with lots of activities to keep her busy and entertained. And because the results were very pretty I thought it would be nice to share them with you.

Of course, we always have to start be centering ourselves, doing a short meditation and a few Ohms...

We made pumpkins from playdough, we painted a lot of autumn leaves (as I said before, here in Israel we don't have an authentic, continental fall, so we had to improvise)

We used a lot of toilet rolls, and made a bat mobile and some owls and, I think, cats.

And when we finished we were sooo tired...

Good night!

There Is a Time For Everything, Isn't It?

Image by Surat Lozowick via Flickr Everything was ready: Maya and her father asleep, a big glass of ice-cold Diet Cola waiting for me on the desk, even Dasha the cat settled for the day...white pages waiting to be filled, the on-line thesaurus for unexpected synonyms on hand, lots of pens and pencils...

But it wasn't to be...Even the best laid plans and all that...Maya started coughing really bad and I had to be with her, sooth and confort her through the awful fits of racking cough. My head was full of words and images and figures of speech...I tried to tell myself that there is a time for everything, but lately I just feel there isn't enough time for me. I mean, I am 45, for goodness sake, raising a four and a half spirited little girl! What was I thinking??? I know it sounds selfish, but, the truth is, I forgot what being selfish means. I usually think about my family, my daughter before I think about myself. This type of existential crisis passes really quickly, becuase I don't have time to dwell upon it when my kid is sick.

In the end, after Maya fell asleep I made myself a coffee, went to the toilet (not to disturb my sleeping daughter) and jotted down on a notebook (I have several strewn along the apartment, you know, just in case, when a brillian idea appears from nowhere) the scene that kept nudging me. Then, I made myself a cup of coffee and read until the wee hours of the morning...

My Own Writing Momentum

Image by madamepsychosis via Flickr Even though I am not participating in the NaNoWriMo, there is definitely something in the air...Everybody is writing right, left and center so maybe the Earth energy is shifting or something, because I was also hit by inspiration and working at the second draft of my novel like a woman possesed. Once again, I have to say it is not easy (well, yeah, nothing has ever been easy in my life, but that's another story) because I am writing in English, which is NOT my mother tongue and sometimes I struggle with synonyms and expressions and asuch...but apart from that "minor" glitch, I am glad I caught this momentum and I don't intend to let it go. I am holding to it for dear life, because I want to finish this book I am dreaming about (literally) and prove myself I can do it. Of course it would be easier to write it in Romanian, but, no folks, I am on my way to conquer the world and English is my best weapon. I mean, I wrote a book in Romanian ten years ago and did you hear about it? So, you see? Anyway, the book's universe is a Romanian one, as the action takes place in Romania (in the first book at least, that's the plan), the main character is Romanian and it is based on Romanian traditions and folklore. I owe this much to my homeland, and I am doing this also to free my soul from the clenches of the longing for the country where I was born. Also, Dracula was Romanian, right?
So, I am not going to spend much time here in the near future and please forgive me for that. But I don't have a lot of free time for writing and I intend to use every second the best I can. I promise to come here as often as possible, because I cannot picture my life without this blog and without you, my dear bloggy friends...

Gothic Reading Challenge - I've Joined It!

I like reading challenges, I really do. It gives my hectic reading style a direction. The problem is, it is difficult for me to follow through. For example, at the beginning of this year I've joined a reading challenge that suited me (it was British literature, my fav) but because of Maya's health problems, even though I'd read a huge amount of books, I stopped it the middle. I hope to be luckier with this one.

So, I joined, went to Wikipedia to read a bit about Gothic literature and get inspired. I didn't decide on what books I am going to read, but for sure I am going for the top. If you are interested in the challenge, please visit Susan's blog (well, her blog for the challenge, as she has her books' review (mainly) blog at Well Manered Frivolity.

And of course, wish me luck!

About Life, Writing and What Falls in Between

I am still looking for autumn signs outside my window. I think it is a meagre attempt to deal with the horrible homesickness that overpowers me. So I try to mask it by doing autumn crafts with Maya and searching the shops for fabric fall leaves. Till now, no luck. The weather is a bit colder, though. The sea is in the process of changing its colors, and I survive, taking one then in front of the other.

The good days are the ones when Maya is happy and healthy, the bad days, when she is sick and miserable. My rhythm is tuned to her body and soul. At night, I place my palm of her back, or her tummy, to feel her breathing. There aren't many things in my life at the moment. I struggle to write, and it is awfully difficult, as I write only at night, and after spending a day with Maya I am usually so tired I cannot concentrate. My husband tells me there is time, why hurry, but I know it is not true. The time is precious and I mustn't waste it. And there are these words and feelings inside me and I have to set them free. For myself, for my past and for the right to live my remaining days at peace with living an expat's life.

I try to create my own reality, in the end, it is what counts...I won't put on a false identity just for the sake of blending in. I don't want to be different, but this is who I am and if I am to be judged, so be it, I don't care. I feel like I have this tiny device inside my heart that reminds me of who I am, and nudges me to keep on going and tells me stories about hope and finding the beauty in everydays things, no matter how hard it seems to be...