Well, All the Christmas Cheer is Gone for Good...

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I was kinda OK today, with all the Christmas gloom that hovers above me during this season...I was kinda OK before Christmas because I simply refused to let myself get carried away by depression and sadness. It happens to me every year around the major holidays...it passes afterwards but it usually leaves me with a bitter taste for months. But today, it was different...I even planned a nice optimistic blog post about how I decided not to let negative thoughts pervade my coat of happiness. The truth is we had a nice Christmassy week-end. Maya's godparents came to dinner, I went overboard with the decorations this year, so the apartment was nice and cosy, with lots of lights and candles...
But, and I really don't know why, maybe it is my sadistic alter ego, I went and read a blog post that simply made me sad...about how nice it is in Israel without Christmas...well, I guess it is the person's right to be happy for herself and for the lack of Christmas (strangely enough, we are on the land where Jesus was born, remember?) but she does forget that here in Israel live a lot of people (and not just Russians, as she implies in her post) that are different and that different doesn't necessary mean something bad...It is after all a free country...
For some time now I've been suspecting the lady of being a bit extremist in her views about Israel and the relationship between people here. I remember that once she wrote a post about stereotypes in Israel and she was simply mean towards certain groups (she has something against Russians, it is clear). Back then I said to myself that I won't be reading her blog anymore...
I know now I was very naive when I decided to come and live here. I thought that Israel is what I saw when I worked as a journalist and wrote articles that praised the Jewish state that I grew to love...But life is just more complicated than that and time taught me how gulible I was...It is not enough that I have to deal with my rootless existence, I have to put up with all kinds of narrow-minded people that make me feel like a criminal...I have friends, Christian friends that are afraid to decorate a Christmas tree because of "what will the neighbours say" and because they don't want their kids to be perceived as different. I sometimes ask myself waht will I tell my daughter when she'll be older...
Well, so all my good disposition when to the dogs...and I am hurting again...I feel trapped sometimes, trapped because of prejudice and ignorance, and I feel so bad because I know I cannot change anything...

Merry Christmas!

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Like almost every Christmas for ten years now I am sitting in our living room...The tree is decorated, the presents are wrapped and I am alone...My memories wander to Christmasses past, back home in Romania and I can hear the carols and smell the food being prepared and I can se the lights, lots of lights everywhere. The memories are so strong I almost wait for the scene to change and for me, to be magically teleported HOME, where the snow is white and the cold is bitting...
I am not a religious person, and what I miss is not the theological significance of the holiday, but its spirit...For me, holidays were about family and friends, about being together...This is what I miss most...
I am so sad the words betray me and the over-flowing soul babbles away in the background and I have only my tears and a few old images that I cling to.
Merry Christmas my poor old sentimental soul...Don't worry, I will never give up the memories and I'll keep the light of Christmas strong inside me...until another life or a better world will come...

This and That and a New Week and Christmassy Thoughts

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I had planned a totally different blog post for today, one strictly about the books I am reading, but I've changed my mind at the last moment.

I am going to write about my days and some Christmas thoughts, instead...

Here, in Israel, the week starts on Sunday. It felt awkward in the beginning, but I've got used to it, finally. In the end, it is about the feeling, and not the exact name of the day. Here, Sunday for me has the feel of back-at-home Monday and I've built on this feeling, instead of thinking I have to work on Sunday (I am talking, of course, about the days when I had a paid job and I worked 5 days a week; today I am working 7 days I week for free).Well, today was a beautiful late autumn day, sunny but crisp and after I took Maya to the kindergarten I went to the library for my monthly pick of books. They have a very selection of English books, but I always manage to find something nice.

I also bought myself a new pair of trainers, as yesterday the sole of one of my old trainer came off almost completely.

Then I cleaned the house and spent some time on the internet looking for ideas for Christmas decorations. It feels odd to celebrate Christmas here, in Israel, and oddly enough, I've managed to do it for for 10 years now. I don't know why, but I always have the feeling I am doing something forbidden, illegal, like the Comunist Party in Romania after the WWII. Here, in Israel, Christmas is celebrated by a small number of people, mainly Christian Arabs, foreign workers and members of foreign embassies and such. And myself and Maya's godparents. It is easier a bit now, as I can find Christmas decorations, Christmas trees or lights at Russian stores. But no carols, Christmas specials on the TV or the smell of stuffed cabbage. And this is what I miss the most. The Christmas atmosphere, the carols, our family around the Christmas tree, food, presents. I had years when I succumbed to the darkest pits of depression just by thinking about Christmas. I am used to it know, but not ready to give up. And this year I want to really make it special. Maya is older now and she knows about Santa, Christmas and presents. Of course, we'll light up Hanukka candles also, because we celebrate Hanuka also and I really think now that I am a lucky person because I am open-minded and intelligent and can see above all limitations. Oh, and the best part of being here during Christmas is that I don't have to mind the Christmas rush, I can shop leisurely for presents...

I remember one year at Christmas we wanted to find a church and go to a Christmas mass, but because the main Christian churches are in or around Jerusalem and we live in Ashdod, we had to go to Jaffo. We knew that in Jaffo there is a Romanian church, but what we didn't know back then was that the church was Greek Orthodox and they celebrate Christmas according to the old tradition, so the church was closed. We found then a Catholic one where we heard the Christmas mass in Polish and then in Spanish or Portugese, I don't remember (one church, many communities) and I recall that they had a beautiful Nativity display in the church. I didn't understand a word they were saying, but the feeling was good and I am sure God understood us all. And this is the feeling I am going to build on this year...