A Bag of Mixed Feelings

Yesterday I had these overwhelming feelings... I was sad and angry and lonely, all of them at once. When this happens, I usually take deep breaths and try to figure out what happened, why it happened. It isn't always an easy process, but I try. 

So, I pick up one feeling. Sadness. I am sad because I have been writing some stories from communist Romania and while writing, all those other feelings, of powerlessness, of being caged in an absurd reality, together with the nostalgia of a lost youth came rushing , drowning me. Sometimes, when I write, I actually transport myself to that time, and it hurts.

Anger. Well, this one is something that many of us carry in our souls. We live in an imperfect world and as long as we don't act on that feeling, we are all right. Anger is easier to manage. Punch something, break jars, shout , it all helps. And even if the world continues to make you angry at least you found an escape route, a valve that lets the pressure out. I usually cry.

Loneliness. This is the most difficult one for me. Sometimes, I think, for me, loneliness as a general state of mind. I am lonely. I exist in this state. I don't have a social life, mainly because, as an expat it is hard to find others like yourself. On top of that, I don't share the same beliefs as most of the population here, hence the added layer of loneliness. Of course, I gave friends, I am not a savage. But people, especially at my age have their own plethora of problems, especially health ones. Old age, unfortunately, comes with a plethora of ailments and disorders and pain and doctors and hospitals. my family? Here, me, my husband and my daughter. The rest of them? Hmmm...you can read about it here: https://aloneinholyland.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-disfunctional-family.html

It is difficult to be in my skin, sometimes. I am glad I can write about it, though. At least, for a few minutes, the burden is not here, on my shoulders.