A Bag of Mixed Feelings

Yesterday I had these overwhelming feelings... I was sad and angry and lonely, all of them at once. When this happens, I usually take deep breaths and try to figure out what happened, why it happened. It isn't always an easy process, but I try. 

So, I pick up one feeling. Sadness. I am sad because I have been writing some stories from communist Romania and while writing, all those other feelings, of powerlessness, of being caged in an absurd reality, together with the nostalgia of a lost youth came rushing , drowning me. Sometimes, when I write, I actually transport myself to that time, and it hurts.

Anger. Well, this one is something that many of us carry in our souls. We live in an imperfect world and as long as we don't act on that feeling, we are all right. Anger is easier to manage. Punch something, break jars, shout , it all helps. And even if the world continues to make you angry at least you found an escape route, a valve that lets the pressure out. I usually cry.

Loneliness. This is the most difficult one for me. Sometimes, I think, for me, loneliness as a general state of mind. I am lonely. I exist in this state. I don't have a social life, mainly because, as an expat it is hard to find others like yourself. On top of that, I don't share the same beliefs as most of the population here, hence the added layer of loneliness. Of course, I gave friends, I am not a savage. But people, especially at my age have their own plethora of problems, especially health ones. Old age, unfortunately, comes with a plethora of ailments and disorders and pain and doctors and hospitals. my family? Here, me, my husband and my daughter. The rest of them? Hmmm...you can read about it here: https://aloneinholyland.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-disfunctional-family.html

It is difficult to be in my skin, sometimes. I am glad I can write about it, though. At least, for a few minutes, the burden is not here, on my shoulders.

Sand Storms and Fears And...All's Well When the Sun Shines Again

Image via Wikipedia I think by now everybody knows a bit about the harsh weather conditions that have hit Israel in the last few days. From snow on the Mount Hermon to the terrible storms and heavy rains in the north and center and the horrific sand storm in south and the Negev desert.
http://www.haaretz.com/print-edition/news/winter-storm-lashes-israel-causing-chaos-and-damage-1.330292

Well, we'd seen a god part if it, as we took off for Eilat (Red Sea, the southest point on the map) on Sunday morning, where in Ashdod (where we presently live) near the port, a ship sunk because of the weather.
In was absolutely hellish! First, it was the wind, very strong and then the sand...When we reached Mitzpe Ramon and stopped for a coffee and a pee, it was so cold and windy Maya said: "Look, mom, my teeth chatter!"
I promise to put pictures in the near future, I cannot transfer the pictures to my laptop now, so, be patient!
Anyway, I am don't intend to write in this post about the journey itself, but about myself during it. I was very surprised to register the reactions I had to all of it. Firstly, I was terrified. The gales of wind kept hitting the car from one side, then the other and I was panick stricken. Not even able to utter one word. My stomach was the size of a pea and the throat constricted...Tried very hard to keep a poker face, not to frighten Maya. She took everything naturally...I was pleased and amazed to see her keeping her cool during such an unusual situation for her...
Well, what stopped me to jump out from the car and run back screaming was my husband. He was so calm and composed, his hands gripping the steering wheel, eyes on the road. Unbelievable...while I was muttering prayers under my breath and pretending I was somewhere else.
I don't know where all this fears come from...I was different, so different when I was younger. But I think most of this started when I realized my life is not under my control any more and also after the health problems we had with Maya in the beginning of this year. Those events shattered the rest of self esteem I had left and began to dig at the foundation of my being. I absolutely need to do something about it, otherwise I'll make myself ill.

At the end of our trip, some 30 km before Eilat, the sand storm stopped abruptly, the sky became clear and the sun was back on the sky.