Still Here

These past days have been very loaded, emotionally...My husband started chemotherapy, an innovative treatment, they say. We were worried of side effects, being a new type of treatment. We had to look out for anything out of ordinary, as if having cancer and  going through chemo is something "ordinary" or "normal". 

For us it is, in a sense. My husband has non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and in the 14 years that have passed since he was first diagnosed, this is the third treatment. With the type of lymphoma he has - follicular, you are never clean of it. Remission, yes, but never healed. It is more of a "chronic" form of cancer. 

And to think we were supposed to travel to Cluj-Napoca, Romania...Actually, today would have been our first day there. My husband was meant to attend the 50th anniversary of high school graduation. It was supposed to be a happy occasion, meeting classmates and friends. 

But, God had other plans...Instead of reunions and laughter, we are here.

I really, I mean REALLY wanted a vacation. The memory of the last war with Iran still lingers, my anxiety is still at unhealthy high levels. My husband and my daughter told me : "Go, go by yourself, have fun. It'll do you good". They almost convinced me. I mean, I paid for the lodgings, bought present for friends...and then, suddenly, I was, like "What am I doing?"; I cannot go and "have fun" while my husband is going through everything this cursed disease brings. So, I cancelled my plane ticket, lost the money for the accommodation, set aside the presents and let everybody know I am not coming. 

Yes, it would have been better to get away for a while, but now it is not the time. Now it's time to be by my husband's side and to help him cope and beat this God damned malady .

And then, if we'll survive this, we'll heal together, mentally.