Tired of Being Myself

Image by Dead Air via Flickr

I am mad at myself...not exactly mad, I think dissapointed would be a better word. I mean, look at me! What exactly did I achieve in the last years, since I came to live in Israel? Nothing much, I am telling you. Tried this and that, tried to teach and after four years I quit because it was eating me alive. I worked do hard to get my degree, to finish my studies at the University. I was a single mother and had to work to sustain my family and I had to study and it was damn hard but I did it in the end. And now? All that effort for nothing? I am a staying at home mother with no prospects for the future. I mean, you don't need a University diploma to rise a child!
Oh God, I am so sick and tired of being myself! I cannot do anything right, I don't even know how to cook a decent meal, I spend way to much money (that I don't even earn), my house is a mess, I am a mess. I used to be a fighter, I used to be smart and funny and wore really short skirts and had great legs and had lots of fun working as a journalist and raising my son. And now? I can wear only one pair of jeans because the other clothes don't fit me any more, I don't know when was the last time I had my eyebrows plucked or my legs waxed, I cry to much, I eat too much junk food and I forgot how to laugh at a good joke.

And the sad thing is: I don't know how to change things, I don't know what to do, where to start...I tried so many times and I failed, so I gave up trying. Yes, I am ashamed of the person I become. How pathetic is that? On a second thought, I think I'll start knitting again. Who knows what could come out of such an adventurous enterprise...