Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Tired of Being Myself

I  remember the flower...Image by Dead Air via Flickr

I am mad at myself...not exactly mad, I think dissapointed would be a better word. I mean, look at me! What exactly did I achieve in the last years, since I came to live in Israel? Nothing much, I am telling you. Tried this and that, tried to teach and after four years I quit because it was eating me alive. I worked do hard to get my degree, to finish my studies at the University. I was a single mother and had to work to sustain my family and I had to study and it was damn hard but I did it in the end. And now? All that effort for nothing? I am a staying at home mother with no prospects for the future. I mean, you don't need a University diploma to rise a child!
Oh God, I am so sick and tired of being myself! I cannot do anything right, I don't even know how to cook a decent meal, I spend way to much money (that I don't even earn), my house is a mess, I am a mess. I used to be a fighter, I used to be smart and funny and wore really short skirts and had great legs and had lots of fun working as a journalist and raising my son. And now? I can wear only one pair of jeans because the other clothes don't fit me any more, I don't know when was the last time I had my eyebrows plucked or my legs waxed, I cry to much, I eat too much junk food and I forgot how to laugh at a good joke.

And the sad thing is: I don't know how to change things, I don't know what to do, where to start...I tried so many times and I failed, so I gave up trying. Yes, I am ashamed of the person I become. How pathetic is that? On a second thought, I think I'll start knitting again. Who knows what could come out of such an adventurous enterprise...

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4 comments:

Simcha said...

I know what that's like...going through something similar myself.
I usually find that starting a new hobby or learning something new helps to cheer me up. So far I've taken classes in ceramics, Swedish wood carving, crafts and karate.
Good luck with the knitting and I hope you feel better

Alone in Holy Land said...

Thank you Simcha for your support. I do hope I'll overcome this state of mind because I'm just tired of feeling bleah all the time. Yesterday, at a friend's suggestion I've checked YouTube for some knitting tutorials. Amazing! You can learn whatever you want there!

Zorin said...

I am also familiar with that state of mind. Most people (including myself) consider themselves failures since they have done nothing special. It's not true. You have done something special, otherwise Maya weren't here. You're all ok. That's something special. Imagine how many people with chronical diseases envy you. As for the rest: keep going and enjoy your staying at home with your daughter, very soon she'll grow up and there will be plenty of time for new challenges. Be prepared!

Cosmic Navel Lint said...

I agree with Zorin - speaking as a male, you have done something remarkable in, and with, your life: you helped make Maya.

I can see that being a-stay-at-home mum might not perhaps present the stimulus and needed challenge of adult company and conversation, but as you've found out, if you can occupy yourself with a hobby, or other pastime, these feelings will soon disappear.

Ever thought of using your day to do any form of charity work? The feelings of reward from that are immediate and you can see that you're really making a difference!

Good luck and be well!

Bren.