A Can of Worms (More of a Box, Though)

Image by aussiegall via Flickr I promised myself I won't be going there, to that place that makes me sad and nauseous. But I cannot help it, I mean, spring is here, Easter in coming and I feel alone and abandoned. I don't want to depend on the kindness of strangers again, like it happened last year - thank you again, Agnes! but it seems that will be the case. I am living a dilemma, and between that and all my other problems, it is not easy to be me these days. Let me explain. On one side, I am a Christian living in a Jewish country. I don't complain about the country and its people, I've grown to love being here, even though everything is so different and alien, sometimes. I will never feel at home here, but I can cope with this, there are bigger problems in life (like the permanent state of iminent war or danger that you sometimes feel here). The problems is that around the major Christian holiday it just hits me. I become homesick with a vengeance. I miss all the things that we did at home, during Easter and Christmas, I miss the feeling, the atmosphere, the friends and family. Oh, and the internat id full of it, Easter bunnies, egg crafts, books, chocolate eggs, the whole lot. And here I don't have anything. Nada. Ziltch. Last year I bought a lot of chocolate eggs and bunnies that I found at a candy store (after the Easter holiday, of course) , oh, I was so happy, the products were even discounted. But, the idiot I am, I put them away in a carton box in a cupboard. Of course, when I checked them a couple days ago, they were full of WORMS!!!!! And then I lost it. I've been crying since - I am an idiot, I know, I think I should've put them into the refrigerator, but I barely have space for the everyday food stuff. On the other hand, we live here. My daughter goes to the kindergarten and she has Jewish friends. Not everybody is open and peachy about their kids having Christian friends...And I don't want my daughter to fell different. We celebrate all the Jewish holidays, as well, I personally fell their are mine, too, because Jews and Christians have a common past, the one described in the Old Testament. My daughter knoes about Santa and the Easter bunny, but I tried not to add the religious connotations to the holidays, not yet, anyway. As I said, I don't want her to fell different or, Heaven forbid, be isolated because of me. So, you see, not easy. On one hand, my beliefs, my memories, my identity, on the other hand, the happiness and well being of my daughter. I personally think you have to aknowledge who you are and not be afraid of it. But, as there is always a but, (in this particulary case thare are many buts) there are enough extremists and idiots around us to make me cautious. At this moment, I don't have a solution to my problems. I hope time wil help me see the right course of action. I am sure my daughter will have better answers, someday. Until then, I can only to take my uncertainties here, on my blog, and write about them. It helps, in a sense... And of course, because it is Wednesday, I am linking it to to darling Shel's

The Lessons My Daughter Teaches Me

The past couple of days went in a haze...we had one more alarm, on Thursday morning and one horrific terrorist act in Jerusalem, where a bomb exploded in a bus station, killing an English citizen and wounding dozens.

In all this madness, I am amazed by my daughter, I really am. On Tuesday night when we had the alarm I had to get out barefoot - I panicked so much that I couldn't find my slippers , I also couldn't find any sweaters or jackets . Believe me, it is not very peachy to stand outside your aparment on a cold March night in your nightgown together with your equally tired and confused neighbours. So Maya decided we need to be prepared. She aligned her Crocs and my flip-flops, asked me to take out some warm clothes from the closet "just in case", put on her Ben 10 cap and tied a couple of toys with sellotape onto their craddle ("not to fall off when we take them out, in case of alarm"). I kissed her like crazy and cried a bit so she asked me if it is because I am afraid of the bombs and so I cried more...My God, and she is not 5 years old yet...Why does she have to know about terrorist acts and bombs and alarms? Is this the world she is going to live in? I am not going to write about politics and stuff like that on my blog because I don't think I could be an objective writer and that is not fair for my readers. I am only a lonely mother trying to keep her daughter safe...Maybe she'll be all the things I am not and maybe she'll be the one to change something. I canonly guide her and surround her with my love and stay up at night worrying...

I can only teach her the values I think are important in life and let her teach me the wisdom of childhood.

I pray to God to give me strenght to be the pillar my daughter needs me to be...

What Does A Mother Say to Her Child When...?

Image by Scott Ableman via Flickr Yesterday night at 11.30 I jumped out from the bed at the sound of the siren/air strike alarm or whatever you call it. My husband grabbed our daughter and we rushed outside the apartment, on the stairs. We don't have a safe room, we live on the 6th floor so the ground shelter wasn't an option, so we had to settle for the stairs. And believe me, it doesn't matter if it is in the middle of the night or that you are barefoot and in pijamas, you just do it. Two years ago a missile fell on the a building a few blocks away and it shook all the neighbourhood and left me with a life-time fear of sirens. The people that lived there where spared because they got out from their apartment....otherwise, they would all be dead.
Maya was half asleep and kept asking: "What is happening, mama ?" ("mama" is "mother" in Romanian). I tried to reassure her repeating like a parrot "Everything is fine, baby" while shaking like a leaf. Two years ago when such alarms surprised us at the green grocer's or in the street I used to tell her we were playing a game of hide and seek. Once, we were in the car and in such situations you have to get out of the car and lay on the pavement. I used to cover her with my body and pray hard to God to protect us... But at 11.30 at night? "Are you crazy, mama?" she would've asked me laughing. At night children sleep safely in their beds, chasing butterflies or flying with Buzz Lightyear in their dreams...
After we returned in our home she wouldn't settle to sleep, kept saying that she is cold and afraid...I understood her because I felt the same way...
Not anymore, please God!
I don't want the nightmare repeating itself, not another war.
I want my baby to grow up NOT knowing what an alarm is, not crying when she hears its piercing sound. I don't want to hear war air crafts flying over my head and I want my son home, not at the base, night after night...
But the world around us thinks otherwise and this madness that enveloped the Arab countries has seeped into my life as well. I am afraid for what the future holds and I tremble for my children.
So, you tell me please, what does a mother tell to her children when the alarm sounds in the middle of the night?

I am linking this to

About Witches, Vampires and Beautiful Albinos

Image by Wonderlane via Flickr

I mean, it is time for my post dedicated to the Gothic Reading Challenge. This month with so much pain and sickness I didn't have time to write the post, although I kept on reading...I must say, I read some pretty amazing books this month, and I am going to tell you all about it. So, make yourselves confortable...

Here it goes...

First of all, I have to thank my bloggy - friend Simcha for recommending me Leanna Renee Hieber books: "The Strangely Beautiful Story of Miss Percy Parker" and "The Darkly Luminous Fight for Persephone Parker". They are absolutely fantastic. I enjoyed reading them very much. Now, if you know me, you won't ask for a review. I don't like reviews, I simply read. And I don't want to spoil it for you. I am going to say only that the main character is a beautiful albino who sees ghosts and has to deal with love and a prophecy that threatens the world as we know it. The writing is so exquisite and rich and the characters are well built, to say nothing about the ghostly Victorian gothic atmosphere...Goodreads has everything about the books here. I cannot wait for the next books in the series...

Next, I made another amazing discovery, Deborah Harkness's "A Discovery of Witches". I am telling you, this book has everything I like in one: witches, vampires (and not the sparkly type), and a mysterious book.

Here it is what goodreads says about it:

"A richly inventive novel about a centuries-old vampire, a spellbound witch, and the mysterious manuscript that draws them together.

Deep in the stacks of Oxford's Bodleian Library, young scholar Diana Bishop unwittingly calls up a bewitched alchemical manuscript in the course of her research. Descended from an old and distinguished line of witches, Diana wants nothing to do with sorcery; so after a furtive glance and a few notes, she banishes the book to the stacks. But her discovery sets a fantastical underworld stirring, and a horde of daemons, witches, and vampires soon descends upon the library. Diana has stumbled upon a coveted treasure lost for centuries-and she is the only creature who can break its spell.

Debut novelist Deborah Harkness has crafted a mesmerizing and addictive read, equal parts history and magic, romance and suspense. Diana is a bold heroine who meets her equal in vampire geneticist Matthew Clairmont, and gradually warms up to him as their alliance deepens into an intimacy that violates age-old taboos. This smart, sophisticated story harks back to the novels of Anne Rice, but it is as contemporary and sensual as the Twilight series-with an extra serving of historical realism.

I hope I awakened your curiosity and you'll read the book. I am sure you'll enjoy it as much as I did.

Speaking of vampires, I started reading Lynsay Sand's Argeneau Vampires series...I think I read the first four or five books. The first and second book were OK, then they got boring and I hope they'll get better because I think there are fifteen books in the series and I intend to read them all (call me stubborn, but I do like a challenge).

Now, I am not sure where does the theme of fallen angels belong...I am not sure it is 100% gothic, but it has the supernatural element, the prophecy...Anyhow, I read "Raziel" by Kristina Douglas and loved it. As always, I went to goodreads and brought this back for you:

Kristina Douglas’s sexy new series introduces a realm of fallen angels and ruthless demons, where an eternal rebellion is brewing . . . and one unsuspecting woman can change the fate of the Fallen forever.
She was just an ordinary mortal . . .

“You’re dead” is so not what Allie Watson wants to hear. Unfortunately, it explains a lot. Like the dark, angelically handsome man who ferried her to this strange, hidden land. The last thing she remembers is stepping off a curb in front of a crosstown bus. Now she’s surrounded by gorgeous fallen angels with an unsettling taste for blood—and they really don’t want her around. Not exactly how she pictured heaven.

. . . until death catapulted her into a seductive world she never imagined.

Raziel is unsure why he rescued Allie from hellfire against Uriel’s orders, but she stirs in him a longing he hasn't felt in centuries. Now the Fallen are bracing for the divine wrath brought by his disobedience, and they blame Allie for the ferocious Nephilim clawing at the kingdom’s shrouded gates. Facing impossible odds at every turn, the two must work together to survive. Raziel will do anything to defend his spirited lover against the forces of darkness—because Allie may be the Fallen’s only salvation.

I almost forgot...I read also Patricia Brigg's new novel in her Mercy Thompson series, "River Marked". Briggs is always a pleasant lecture and she is one of my favourite authors.

"An evil is stirring in the depths of the Columbia River—one that her father’s people may know something about. And to have any hope of surviving, Mercy and her mate, the Alpha werewolf Adam, will need their help".(goodreads).

These were the books I liked. Unfortunately, I didn't like Jeaniene's Frost "This Side of the Grave" but I enjoyed "Eternal Kiss of Darkness" that is the second novel in her "Night Huntress World" series. Well, you win some...

As you may observe, I was pretty busy reading...What can I say? It is my escape from reality, a place where I fell good.

I hope you'll try some of the books I talked about...

Happy reading!

Trinny and Susannah - Have They Lost Their Magic Touch?

Image via Wikipedia I am a big fan of Trinny and Susannah, you know "What Not To Wear" and such...So I was so excited when I read in the newspaper that they're "doing" Israel. I even recorded the first episode (I understood there is a mini-series) in order to be able to savour it...Personally, I also needed some tips...But....what can I say? I was VERY dissapointed. And to be clear, in Israel people dress casually, so they had plenty to choose from. Anyway, I don't think the people they chose were the main problem of the show, but the way T&S managed their garderobe and style problems.
Firstly, in the end almost all of the people on the show ended in gray, leopard prints and brown (one exception, a green, horible dress). No color, not at all. The clothes were absolutely hideous! Almost all of them looked better before the makeover and not after. They took the sweet 17 yo girl and transformed her into a bad copy of Rhianna. The lady that looked good in turqouise and dressed her in some sort of animal print dress that showed up her not so nice legs. The guy, Dror tried to explain Trinny that he won't be able to wear a coat/jacket in a month because it will be to hot...
And the dialogues...
The Goth single mum, the one that before the makeover wore only black, coming out from the dressing room:
"I feel so exposed without my black..."
Trinny: "Darling, you are wearing gray..."
All in all, it was embarassing...The hugs and tears and psychological counseling attemps, it all had the stamp of artificiality. There was this one lady who kept saying she dresses the way she does because she wanted to hide away her beauty...That since she was a kid, blah, blah...oh, come on, really? She wasn't even that beautiful. A pretty face, to say the most.
Now, I don't know who's to blame. Maybe there are no nice clothes in Israeli shops, maybe the Israeli stylists that helped T&S are bad, but I hope the next episode gets better. Otherwise, I will think that Trinny and Sussanah have lost their touch...

Paaaaaaarty!!!!!!!!

Today Maya had the Purim party at the kindergarten. She was very happy to go because last year she was sick and missed it. Of course, she was an imaculate Cinderella when she left home with her big bother (I was too sick to take her to the kindy) but don't ask me the state of her dress when she returned home. Of course they played in the sand pit...I regret I didn't do a "before" and "after" photo.
But, who cares? She had fun and that's the most important thing!
My heart sings when I look at her!

So....Life Goes On...I Guess

After yesterday's emotional turmoil, today I feel like sailing in quieter waters...

Life goes on, no matter what...And anyway, compared to apocalyptic disasters like the one in Japan, my trials and tribulations seem so small and petty...

I strive to make a difference, somehow, to do something important. And the only thing I know to do is to write.


Life is overwhelming sometimes but maybe that's the secret.

So much beauty to watch as life mysteries unfold, so much pain to endure, so many tears to shed and so many smiles to share...

So much sweetness and so many bitter thoughts.

So many shattered hopes and so many dreams to fulfill.

I want it all and I won't complain.

To witness and to write about it, what more could I ask?

It Will All Come to An End Today?

I don't know what to do...I've been thinking about this blog, about blogging in general, about why people read blogs, stuff like that. Don't worry, I am not going to bore you with the details of my thoughts on the subject...What I wanted to say it is that I really had fun blogging. As you can see from my blog's name, since I came to live here I've been feeling very lonely in this country with which I don't have a lot in common. Before being what I am today, (an anonymous, common staying at home mother) I had a carrer, an identity. I was a journalist and enjoying it very much. But I was also very naive and didn't think that comming to a country which language is a nightmare to write in would mean an end to my carrer. I was so full of myself, so confident...Of course it didn't work out. And my enthusiasm was cut short also by all the humiliation I had to endure at the Interior Ministry, where I was only another unwanted addition to the non-Jewish population. Letting go of my dreams of journalism, I tried my luck at teaching English. Bad, very bad idea. It was a nightmare and I have to admit I felt relieved when I decided it is better to stay at home and raise my daughter. Don't get me wrong. I am still pleased with this decision, I enjoy being Maya's mother (although, because of my age -45, I encountered a few idiots that thought I was Maya's granny).
These having been said I must point out that this blog offered me the oportunity to say something and to be heard. I met people through it and it helped me cope during the awful period last year when we didn't know it there was something wrong with Maya's brain. It helped me, full stop. It its virtual world I was a virtual citizen.
But I guess the honeymoon is over. I guess I am to depressing for the reader's taste. Lonely, sad, confused. I think people had enough of me... Maybe it is the time to call it a day...I don't know what to do...It pains me to see that besides my good friend Hevel nobody comments any more. I know, I konw, there is not much to comment about. But that was a reaction to the lack of audience, I felt forgotten and put aside, so I reacted accordingly...
I still cling to my blog and maybe I could do it just for myself, no expectations, no high hopes.
I read all the articles that tell about how to increase your blog readership, how to write awesome blog posts, how to...this and that. But that is not me, not who I am. And what's the point of writing a blog if it doesn't reflect yourself...
There it is. I said it all All my recent fears and dissapointments. You know, I think it is posible one can be dissapointed by the audience, not only the other way around. Maybe I wasn't a good blogger because my readers where good, either. Why blame always the doer, the giver? O.K., that's enough. I don't want to offend anyone, but if somebody wasn't pleased with my production, why on earth didn't they say it out loud?
That's it.
Decision time.
I'll let you know. Or not.

I am linking this to


Happy aniversary Shell!
Keep up the fantastic job you're doing and thank you for the oportunity to pour my heart out whenever I felt the need to...

Let it Rain!

My tooth is gone (thank you God!), it was an awful experience but I am not going to dwell on it. It is raining here in Israel and we are thankful for it. So we say, "Let it rain"!

Peeking Through Pain

I know I promised I'd blog more often, but, as a Romanian proverb says "He that reckons without his host must reckon twice" (that's the English equivalent anywayt, in Romanian it sounded better somehow)...
And this time it was really true...
We were sick. Again...it never happened in our household, so much sickness. I mean, my husband has pneumonia, I've got tonsilitis and Maya has a sore throat and is coughing...On top of that, I have some serious problems with my teeth, problems that translate themselves into pain. As in A LOT OF PAIN. The doctor said I cannot take care of the teeth problem until my infection clears up (throat and teeth, as well) so I have to suffer quietly for now...Believe me, I am no stranger to pain and I bear it well, but this time...oh boy, my teeth hurt so badly even after painkillers that I cried. Me, a grown up woman that gave birth to two children, cried...
I am taking antibiotics, of course and I feel like s**t most of the time, and I also have to take care of Maya and my husband (he was in a bad shape also). And there is food to be cooked (well, we mainly eat sandwiches these days), laundry to be done. The house is a pigsty again, but I couldn't be bothered, no way... I sleep when not in pain after being knocked down by the painkillers, I cannot concentrate to read or write...I forgot what writing my book means...
So, you see, that is the reason it has been so quiet in here. But, with God's help (and the antibiotics, and the dentist) I'll be right as rain in no time...