Quiet Morning...But Not For the Reasons You'd Imagine...

It is Sunday morning and it is so quiet outside....In Israel the working week begins on Sunday and at this hour of the day it is usually very noisy and busy outside our window.
But not today...The south of Israel is under fire (again) and after an afternoon, night and morning of sirens and rockets and stuff we were advised to stay closed to "protected areas", that means inside buildings. There is no school in the south today so I'm at home with Maya. I always try to keep calm, for her sake, as she picks any small change in my mood...It is difficult, though. We were woken at 6.30 in the morning by the alarm today and we hardly found our way to the hall. Because we don't have a protected room in the apartment we have to get out from it and wait into the hall. The latest from the Home Front says we are supoosed to wait for at least 10 minutes in the protected area after we hear the alarm as there are usualyy more than one rocket on its way...
I don't know for how long I can keep it together. It is not fair to have a 5 years old daughter who says :"Mummy, go and check the internet to see where did the rocket fall" or to be told stories about their protected room in the kindergarten...She says that I don't have to worry, because they have toilets and water and plastic cups in there...she is only 5 years old, for God's sake, she doesn't have to know about stuff like that....Sometimes she is more grown up about the situation than me...

Since yesterday afternoon more than 30 rockets hit the south of Israel, killing one man and injurying five others...one rockets here in Ashdod fell on some cars in a car park, destroying around 9 cars and bringing panick to the neighbourhood.
May God protect us!

Dream....Interrupted

Dream....Interrupted


The shrieking vail of the siren, another alarm,
and the dream implodes behind the eyelids
impaling them in thin, broken shards.

In between the up and down undulating sound
and the rocket hitting the ground
hard
there is a general silence
a huge breath holding
and them
the mighty
BOOM

we all exhale
and do a body check
a body count
is everyone all right?

"Mummy, who are the people that make the rockets
to kill mothers
and babies?"

Gather around you the tattered night
and go to sleep
my precious
you have to finish your dream.

Ashdod
2011

Happy Birthday To...Me!

Well, yes, today it is my birthday...don't ask me how old I am because I am not going to tell you that...Anyhow, for the past years, on my birthday I used to sit and think about what I achieved the year that had passed...and I am ashamed to say...not much...for the last five years and so I've been staying at home, raising my daughter...You should say that has been an achievement in itself and I am going to contradict you. It is great to be a mother to my daughter Maya, she is a special child and I enjoy every moment I spend with her. But I sometimes feel I ought to do something for myself, to be something else, not just "Maya's mother". So I have been writing...I used to be a professional journalist so writing was (and still is) an important part of my life, of who I was (of who I am). I published a book before, it was strictly written in a journalistic style. Now, I write fiction....Because, as you may know, if you have been reading my blog, I miss my homeland (Romania) savagely, I thought that writing a book that would have its background in the Romanian folklore would help me deal with my longing. Since that idea popped into my head I struggled with my writing, as I write only at night and I absolutely cannot write when Maya is sick, for example...but the book took shape anyway, because I felt it had to be written...It is not finished yet, and it is still a struggle....but I am going to make a promise to myself...to come here next year, same date, same hour, to tell you that I finished the book...What do yo say? Deal?
And this with thought, I wish you all that celebrate today your birthday "Many Happy Returns of the Day" and may God grant you peace and health...

                                            Mummy, the sea is a marvelous place, isn't it?

What Kind of Mother Am I?

I really don't know what to do...I alternate between plucking my hair out by handfulls, breaking something or...I don't know...I feel sooooooooooo frustrated, so frustrated...
And because I don't have anybody to talk to, I'll just sit here and talk to myself (that's the feeling but who cares, I have to take it out or I'll explode).
So, since Saturday Maya was sick, a stomach bug and some coughing, really bad coughing. I took her to the hospital, her doctor, everywhere, I did whatever they told me to do...Maya is not vomiting and doesn't have diarheea anymore, because now she is constipated. For crying out loud!!! Yesterday she felt OK so she ate well. In the evening she said she had a tummy ache, I gave her some Nurofen and she went to sleep. She slept OK, woke up fine...
During the day she didn't eat much and again said her tummy hurts...I gave her plenty to drink and let her be. We even took her to the seaside, she played there and didn't complain of anything, she didn't even cough...Back home, again, her tummy hurts and she starts coughing...
What in the name of God am I missing here???
I feel like the biggest failure in the entire world and helpless and....I didn't sleep since Saturday, I am functioning like an automaton, open me and I'm all clockwork...
What to do, what to do? I want my baby to be healthy and enjoy herself...My heart breaks when I hear her "Mummy, my tummy hurts..."
What kind of a mother am I if I cannot help my girl?
Here is Israel there is the Sokkot holiday now, so it is difficult to navigate between holidays when nobody's working, to find a doctor that really gives a shit.
Tomorow I'll try to get her to another doctor and to ask for some tests, X-ray, ultrasound, anything...I simply cannot sit back and wait...for what? The illness to go by itself?
Maybe I am exaggerating, I don't know. But I believe in "better to be safe than sorry" stuff...

There Has To be More Than This...

There has to be more to life than this...there has to be...
Maya is still sick and she is a very difficult "patient". Doesn't want to take any medication - she vomits the pepto-bismuth for diarheea, doesn't want to drink Coke....she has a very bad case of tummy bug but without her cooperating, I am afraid we'll make it to the hospital...again...I know she is is pain and it's only a little girl...But how do you treat a very stubborn sick child? She has to drink and eat, despite her tummy ache, it is the only was she won't become dehydrated and her body will flush out the nasty virus...
It is soooooo frustrating....and my heart breaks when I see her suffer...
I think I also have the bug, I hope it is the same as Maya's and didn't take something else from the hospital...
Speaking of hospitals...here the health system is also very sick...the doctors were in and out striking for some time now, a month ago aproximately 500 residents handed in their resignations, and today the resignations were put into effect...generating the worst crisis of the health system here, in Israel...I am sure their actions are justified...but still, there are sick people out there...
You know what I think? That we are living in a very selfish world, were is only "dog eats dog". Everybody cares only about their own good and welfare, politicians , businessmen and doctors alike. Doctors want bigger wages, the government doesn't give them anything...so what if some people will die because of the grave shortage of doctors...Yesterday, hundreds of operations had to be postponed because the doctors didn't show up...I don't know, in these circumstances I cannot feel solidarity with their cause...I really can't.
So Please God help us all...Otherwise I'll loose any hope in humanity...

 

A Rather "Adventurous" Yom Kippur (Atonement Day)

A few days ago I complained to my husband that I have a very boring life and that I wouldn't mind some adventures...Well, I didn't have in mind the "excitement"of  Yom Kippur - The Atonement Day. As all Jewish holidays Yom Kippur starts at sunset, so this year it statred at aproximately 5 o'clock on Friday and it ended on Saturday evening. First of all, you have to know that Yom Kippur is a day when Jews fast (no food or water for 25 hours), there are no programs on the TV, all shops and similar are closed, no cars, no public transportantion, nothing. Not even medical care...and here it comes my adventurous day...
Maya was very sick, some kind of stomach bug- bad vomiting and diarheea, also she was having some kind of coughing fits, that left her breathless. So there was my sweet daughter, pale as a sheet, with her lips turning blue...I panicked...But, no doctors, no emergency room in Ashdod and we don't have a hospital in the city. The nearest one is at aproximately 60 km and you cannot drive on Yom Kipur...The clock was ticking , Maya was chocking so I did what every mother would've done, I called the ambulance...They arrinved pretty quicly, but unfortunately witout a doctors, only two paramedics. They couldn't do anything, just took her blood pressure and sugested to take Maya to the hospital, as her vomiting got worse and she was complainig of tummy aches...
So, of we went...my husband remained at home, to be coming to the hospital at the end of the fast day, when he could drive...
At the hospital they didn't do much...didn't care to much about her stomach bug and tried to ease her cough, didn't do any blood work only a urine test...We were at the hospital for more that four hours and after getting very frustrated of their lack of interest I asked to be released. Also, the fast was over and the ER was getting full by the moment by sick kids...
So we took her home....Fortunately she was feeling better...I took her the next day to her doctor and continued with the tests...he was mildly dehydrated so I had to monitor her liquids intake (she wasn't dehydrtaed enough to be put on a drip, that's what they told us)...
So on top of the fact that I was furious because of the way they treated my baby at the hospital, what really bothered me was the fact that we were charged for the ambulance and for the ER (we didn't have a from a doctor) BUT how on Earth was I supposed to get otherwise to the hospital when there are NO CARS allowed on Yom Kipur and NO MEDICAL ASSISTANCE!!! What was I to do? I know I panick easily when Maya is concerned, but I don't think anyone would judge me on this, I am a mother and my kids well being is on the top of my priorities' list...
I am prepared to go to the healthcare organization and ask for a refund. I don't think it is fair to be charged when we didn't have any other alternative...I am just waiting for Maya to get better...
I am very dissapointed by the quality of the medical act here, in Israel but you already know that....The only thing I can do is to pray for the health of my family and not to depend on any doctors...

(The picture is from the Haaretz newspaper website. You can find there some nice pictures showing the empty streets on Yom Kippur)

I Would've Liked Some Help...

Yesterday I experienced (again) the shortcomings of being here all by myself, alone, with no friends or family....

Saturday night we went with Maya to the Asuta hospital in Tel Aviv because she had to have a polysomnography. You know, you go to sleep and then you're connected to all those machines and they check you're functions while you sleep. With Maya it was necessary because she has sleep apnea and we want to know if it affects her (and at what degree), why and what is to be done...Anyway, to cut a long story short , I stayed with her overnight in the hospital...it was a difficult and sleppless night for me (fortunately, Maya had slept through all the somnography thing). I had to keep an eye on Maya because I was afraid she'll get strangled by all the cables and stuff that she had on and around her. Also, the armchair I had in the room was very unconfortable and made an awful noise whenever I shifted...We arrived at home in the morning the next day and while Maya was well rested and full of energy, I was sooooo tired my body was simply shaking . I asked Maya to stay with me in our bedromm and watch some TV while I rest for a while. I had to because at a certain point I was feeling nausesous from fatigue. She didn't really want but reluctanly agreed so while I was sleeping with an eye open I was gripping my daughter's T-shirt  - I wanted to be able to feel if she decided to wander away. Even though she is 5 and I good girl, I don't like her wandering about in the apartment by herself. O f course I could sleep and rest properly and when I finally went to bed at 8 o c'lock in the evening (after I put Maya to bed) I fell into a coma like sleep and woke up with a very stiff neck and right shoulder...

During moments like those of yesterday I feel the burden of loneliness....It would've be such a bliss to be able to ask a relative or a friend to keep an eye on Maya for two hours...paradise....but no, I had to drink litres of coffee and prop my eyes open with toothpicks  (just kidding). In moments like those I regret the decision of coming here...I am not sure back home in Romania I would've had someboy to help me, but at least I can fool myself it could've been different.
Also, yesterday was a sort of eye-opener for me (literally and figuratively speaking). I realized I am exhausted, usually a selpless night doesn't shatter me to pieces like that. So, I decided to take care of me better, for the sake of my daughter, at least. I have to pay more attention to what I eat, take my vitamins and do sport regularly...If nobody is here to help me I have to do it....