Yesterday I experienced (again) the shortcomings of being here all by myself, alone, with no friends or family....
Saturday night we went with Maya to the Asuta hospital in Tel Aviv because she had to have a polysomnography. You know, you go to sleep and then you're connected to all those machines and they check you're functions while you sleep. With Maya it was necessary because she has sleep apnea and we want to know if it affects her (and at what degree), why and what is to be done...Anyway, to cut a long story short , I stayed with her overnight in the hospital...it was a difficult and sleppless night for me (fortunately, Maya had slept through all the somnography thing). I had to keep an eye on Maya because I was afraid she'll get strangled by all the cables and stuff that she had on and around her. Also, the armchair I had in the room was very unconfortable and made an awful noise whenever I shifted...We arrived at home in the morning the next day and while Maya was well rested and full of energy, I was sooooo tired my body was simply shaking . I asked Maya to stay with me in our bedromm and watch some TV while I rest for a while. I had to because at a certain point I was feeling nausesous from fatigue. She didn't really want but reluctanly agreed so while I was sleeping with an eye open I was gripping my daughter's T-shirt - I wanted to be able to feel if she decided to wander away. Even though she is 5 and I good girl, I don't like her wandering about in the apartment by herself. O f course I could sleep and rest properly and when I finally went to bed at 8 o c'lock in the evening (after I put Maya to bed) I fell into a coma like sleep and woke up with a very stiff neck and right shoulder...
During moments like those of yesterday I feel the burden of loneliness....It would've be such a bliss to be able to ask a relative or a friend to keep an eye on Maya for two hours...paradise....but no, I had to drink litres of coffee and prop my eyes open with toothpicks (just kidding). In moments like those I regret the decision of coming here...I am not sure back home in Romania I would've had someboy to help me, but at least I can fool myself it could've been different.
Also, yesterday was a sort of eye-opener for me (literally and figuratively speaking). I realized I am exhausted, usually a selpless night doesn't shatter me to pieces like that. So, I decided to take care of me better, for the sake of my daughter, at least. I have to pay more attention to what I eat, take my vitamins and do sport regularly...If nobody is here to help me I have to do it....
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