I Think I Am Falling Apart

Image by onkel_wart via Flickr

I know what are you going to say after reading my title."Oh, here she goes again, moaning and crying and ranting...Doesn't she have anything nice and positive to write about?"
I am sorry, I am really sorry I have been such a nuissance for my readers, lately. But, this is my life, these are my thoughts and feelings, this is my struggle...I am grateful to you all for reading my blog and being supportive...I couldn't have don it without you. And believe me, I am the first wanting my life back on track...So, what happened again?
My daughter is sick AGAIN. During the last month and beginning of this month she has been sick almost all the time. She has had a ton of antibiotics and fever reducing medication and drops for ears and nasal spray and gel and cough syrup...For the last 8 days she was on antibiotics, I kept her home for a week and after two weeks in the kindergarten...she has a stomach bug! Started vomiting Sunday morning at 1 o'clock, followed my diarrhea and fever...She didn't eat or drink, she threw up the rehydration liquid I tried to give her and she cries that her tummy hurts...We took her to the doctor's, of course we did, but there wasn't much she could do...
I cannot take it anymore! I feel I cannot cope with this...I am simply falling apart and there is nothing to keep me together...I know I am strong enough, I know I am a poor imitation of a mother, but I want my healthy baby back! Every time she was sick I told myself I that I am not going to sendd her anymore to the kindergarten, but she likes it there, she has friends and they play and she likes to boss everybody around and she's happy. What can I do? I gave her vitamins, probiotics, I taught her to wash her hands after going to the toilet and before meals, I tried my best and I failed, I failed, failed. And she is the one that suffers. And I am absolutely helpless, and it's tearing me apart...
God, please, put your hand on my heart to keep it beating...I have no tears left, I am an empty container for my pain...
I am sorry...

Running in Circles

Image by Raveesh Vyas via Flickr

My post on Saturday evening ended with the anticipation that I was going to enjoy reading...I did enjoy reading...3 pages, actually, because Maya had a very bad coughing fit and I spent Saturday to Sunday night holding her, walking through the house with her in my arms (when she's sick and in bad shape, she likes to be hold and walked), thinking about my poor pelvic floor...
On Sunday morning I took her to the doctor and since then, I have been a full time mommy and nurse, again. She has to have inhalations three times a day, I have to give her syrup twice a day, put ear - drops in her ears, eyes drops in her eyes (I am not kidding, she's got an ear infection AND conjunctivitis and bronchitis), feed her, play with her, try to cook and clean the house...so I am really glad I enjoyed my quiet moments while I could. The bad weather forces us to stay indoors, so it is pretty difficult for us, as Maya, even sick as she is, has lots of energy that needs to be "exhausted". In the evening, for example, she asked for some dance music and she danced like crazy for 15 minutes. I regret I didn't record her. Forgot, too tired...
So, although I had all kinds of great ideas for posts, I am so drained that I am not able to think much, so I'll just go and watch some bad TV and wait to recover...