Sunday, January 10, 2010

I Think I Am Falling Apart

falling apartImage by onkel_wart via Flickr

I know what are you going to say after reading my title."Oh, here she goes again, moaning and crying and ranting...Doesn't she have anything nice and positive to write about?"
I am sorry, I am really sorry I have been such a nuissance for my readers, lately. But, this is my life, these are my thoughts and feelings, this is my struggle...I am grateful to you all for reading my blog and being supportive...I couldn't have don it without you. And believe me, I am the first wanting my life back on track...So, what happened again?
My daughter is sick AGAIN. During the last month and beginning of this month she has been sick almost all the time. She has had a ton of antibiotics and fever reducing medication and drops for ears and nasal spray and gel and cough syrup...For the last 8 days she was on antibiotics, I kept her home for a week and after two weeks in the kindergarten...she has a stomach bug! Started vomiting Sunday morning at 1 o'clock, followed my diarrhea and fever...She didn't eat or drink, she threw up the rehydration liquid I tried to give her and she cries that her tummy hurts...We took her to the doctor's, of course we did, but there wasn't much she could do...
I cannot take it anymore! I feel I cannot cope with this...I am simply falling apart and there is nothing to keep me together...I know I am strong enough, I know I am a poor imitation of a mother, but I want my healthy baby back! Every time she was sick I told myself I that I am not going to sendd her anymore to the kindergarten, but she likes it there, she has friends and they play and she likes to boss everybody around and she's happy. What can I do? I gave her vitamins, probiotics, I taught her to wash her hands after going to the toilet and before meals, I tried my best and I failed, I failed, failed. And she is the one that suffers. And I am absolutely helpless, and it's tearing me apart...
God, please, put your hand on my heart to keep it beating...I have no tears left, I am an empty container for my pain...
I am sorry...
Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

8 comments:

Queenie The Bee said...

Don't be so hard on yourself- no matter how careful mommies are, kids are going to get sick sometimes. I am thankful that Maya only has minor things (like ears, tummy, etc...) and not life-threatening emergencies where you would have to be separated from her while she stayed in the hospital. :) She is going to be fine- kids get sick....it does happen! :) My three little ones have been down several times already this winter, and it is exhausting- trust me, I know! Hang in there, God can help you through it. Keep being a wonderful mommy to Maya. :)

Simcha said...

Oh no, your poor little girl!
I have always been thankful that with all the numerous problems that we've had, at least my kids are in good health. I do have to agree though with the comment above from Queenie. My little sister had cancer (and has passed away) and my poor parents spent years in and out of hospitals, watching her slowly fade away. Now that I'm a parent I can't even contemplate the horror my parents went through, and so, while ear infections and stomach flues are difficult for young children, they are really just minor illnesses that will soon pass. Just be thankful it's nothing more serious.

I hope she feels better soon.

Sari said...

One day at a time.... take just one moment at a time if you need to.. but know that she WILL grow out of this. We have struggled with so much sickness as well and we do all that we can do but kids will be kids and they get sick. And in order for their immune system to get healthier she is going to pick up absolutely everything . I keep telling myself this as well.
But I hear such desperation in your writing and I have been there - I agree with Queenie The Bee, do not be so hard on yourself. Just try to think of it as her body's way of building its defenses... she will catch it all now or later but she will catch it.

There is not much more on this earth that sends a Mom into panic mode as our children being sick and it is overwhelming...
just make sure you get a moment or two throughout the day where you can catch your breath, say a prayer for sanity, and know that many of us are here, praying for strength and health for you all.

Hang in there Mama.

Ottavia said...

We all wish we had a magic wand to make them all better. I hate when they are sick, I feel so helpless as a Mom, I just give lots of hugs and kisses.

Its winter in Canada now...its flu season and I alway travel with disinfectic hand lotion. Every time they play with someone elses toy I clean their hands with it and mine too!
Perhaps sending a bottle with your daughter to school and having her use it after she touches, door knobs and plays with toys, etc. If you need more info. let me know.

www.idontmama.com

Sharnanigans said...

You need the support so that you can be of better assistance to your little girl.
I am worried for you - it is good that you are sharing this, do not apologise.
Is there a doctor / counsellor you can get some support from. It is not selfish to reach out and ask. You need to feel good to be able to be what your daughter needs. Look after you first xx

Tony Anders said...

I feel your pain as both my kids had the H1N1 this past autumn, and it is painful to see your kids suffer. It drains the caregiver as well. I hope you all weather it well. "God does not send the water to watch you drown; he does it to see how well you swim!"
Take care!

http://artisanofthehumanspirit.blogspot.com/

kouponkrazi said...

Hang in there! There is nothing more heart wrenching for a Mother than when your child is sick and you think that there is nothing you can do to make her feel better. But, just being there for her IS doing something! Hold on. You will get through this. Remember, God never puts more on you than He knows that you can handle!

My thoughts and prayers are with you & your family! BIG HUGS!

Seak (Bryce Lee) said...

I'm so sorry, but my prayers are with you.

Bryce