Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Gothic Reading Challenge - I've Joined It!


I like reading challenges, I really do. It gives my hectic reading style a direction. The problem is, it is difficult for me to follow through. For example, at the beginning of this year I've joined a reading challenge that suited me (it was British literature, my fav) but because of Maya's health problems, even though I'd read a huge amount of books, I stopped it the middle. I hope to be luckier with this one.

So, I joined, went to Wikipedia to read a bit about Gothic literature and get inspired. I didn't decide on what books I am going to read, but for sure I am going for the top. If you are interested in the challenge, please visit Susan's blog (well, her blog for the challenge, as she has her books' review (mainly) blog at Well Manered Frivolity.

And of course, wish me luck!


Monday, November 1, 2010

About Life, Writing and What Falls in Between


I am still looking for autumn signs outside my window. I think it is a meagre attempt to deal with the horrible homesickness that overpowers me. So I try to mask it by doing autumn crafts with Maya and searching the shops for fabric fall leaves. Till now, no luck. The weather is a bit colder, though. The sea is in the process of changing its colors, and I survive, taking one then in front of the other.

The good days are the ones when Maya is happy and healthy, the bad days, when she is sick and miserable. My rhythm is tuned to her body and soul. At night, I place my palm of her back, or her tummy, to feel her breathing. There aren't many things in my life at the moment. I struggle to write, and it is awfully difficult, as I write only at night, and after spending a day with Maya I am usually so tired I cannot concentrate. My husband tells me there is time, why hurry, but I know it is not true. The time is precious and I mustn't waste it. And there are these words and feelings inside me and I have to set them free. For myself, for my past and for the right to live my remaining days at peace with living an expat's life.
I try to create my own reality, in the end, it is what counts...I won't put on a false identity just for the sake of blending in. I don't want to be different, but this is who I am and if I am to be judged, so be it, I don't care. I feel like I have this tiny device inside my heart that reminds me of who I am, and nudges me to keep on going and tells me stories about hope and finding the beauty in everydays things, no matter how hard it seems to be...


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Back From the Land of Poo and Exploding Bums


Oh, and did I mention the projectile vomit?
Well, now I can lay back and joke a bit about it, but believe me, it was no joke...Maya had a very-very nasty stomach virus that lasted for a week and left my sweet daughter sheet white and with bruise-like huge dark circles under her beautiful blue eyes.
It was a fight and I fought along my baby, helping her to cope with the high fever, terrible stomach aches, debilitating diarheea and vicious bouts of vomiting. Medicine couldn't do much, especially after it was confirmed that it is a virus, so it was up to me to keep her confortable and hydrated - that is the most important thing with stomach bugs in kids, believe me. And because I am slightly (I lied, a lot) paranoid when it comes to dehydration (if you've been reading my blog, you know that at the beginning at the year we had an awful scare after Maya went all stiff and passed out and all the tests and stuff). And because I wasn't able to buy here in Israel sticks for testing her pee (my huband bought some online and we're waiting for them to arrive) I had to run every day to the ER or the laboratory and the d0ctor's office to ask (and beg, when I had to) for a simple test to see if Maya was dehydrated or not. Thank God, she wasn't... Because she is a bit (well, a lot) spoiled and very stubborn she doesn't want to drink tea or rehydration drinks or anything that looks or tastes "suspicious". Mind you, here we have this drink for kids, Minerali, with minerals and stuff, for rehydration, but it's taste is so horrible it makes Maya throw up ( it made me gag when I tasted it, and I can eat or drink any kind of medicine or such). But in the end, I managed to trick my daughter, by adding small quantities of stuff in her grape juice ( the only liquid she wanted to drink).
I am not going to bore you with all the gory details of the last week. Yesterday I was finally able to sleep for the first time in a week and I also managed to clean the house...I scraped vomit from the walls, for godness' sake! But now Maya is feeling better and that's the most important thing and she made it without the hospital...I am so relieved!
So, you see, this was the reason of my absence from the bloggy world, and from any other worlds. When my baby is sick she becomes the highlight of my actions (well, she is usually the most important thing in my existence) and everything else just slides somewhere in the background, blurred and unimportant...


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Monday, October 11, 2010

For One Smile




Yeah, I'll do anything for a smile on my daughter's face...Fight wars, bake cookies, play with dolls, anything. And because she was such a good sport lately, fighting this bad cough she's got for over a month, I decided it's time for a little gift. She loves receiving presents, especially after a long (and dirty) day at the kindergarten. So I bought her today two puzzzles (she's so into them lately, I am surprised, my hyperactive girl, doing puzzles!) , a watch (not that she doesn't have a dosen) and something nice for her fair hair. And, of course, the all time snack of Israeli kids - "Bamba".

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I Need to Banish this Demon That's Consuming Me


Today I was cleaning the house and when I reached the living room I stumbled upon Maya's collection of toy ambulances. Last year, after she was hospitalized, having been brought to the hospital in an ambulance whenever I bought her toys, she asked only for the damn vehicle...
For me, it is a torment. Every time I see her playing with them, in the back of my eyes I replay the horror movie of this year's events, when she was so sick! I still see her in my dreams, stiff amd sheet white, laying uncounscious in my husband's arms. I wake up crying and unable to breath.
I still have nightmares and whenever I hear her coughing I break in a cold sweat. When she has a fever, I have these terrible stomach aches. When she doesn't feel well I am so scared my body trembles and I cannot concentrate.
How do I stop this? I know it is not healthy for me or my family, me living in this dense cloud of guilt. But how to exorcise this demon that is eating me alive? I know that as a parent I have a lot of responsabilities and I try to cope with the challenges that come day after day. But I cannot live with this Damocles' sword hanging over my head. Could I?
Please don't judge me too harsh. If you're a parent, you can at least simpatize with me. I know it sounds exagerated, but believe me, when your child is very sick everything else fades, becomes unimportant.
Maybe I kept these feelings and frustrations burried inside me for too long. I didn't want to accept what I felt becuase I was ashamed I was so weak. But I think that in order to banish whatever demon is hunting me, I have to have the courage to face and confront it...

Monday, October 4, 2010

Fall? What Fall?!

Fall foliage and coneImage via Wikipedia
I am reading this blogs and they are all about fall decorations, fall here, cold there, nice colors, pumpkin spices...and I am like :"Fall? What fall?" Here we have a very summery weather (actually, I've read in the newspaper that this summer, in Israel, was the hottest ever recorded!!!), it is still hot and humid, and everything goes dry because of the lack of water...
During a period like this I miss Romania. Oh my God, the clear autumn sky, the symphony of colors, the smells...beautiful...It is true what they say, that you realize what you had only after you've lost it! I trully understand now the beauty of the land where I was born and the deep connection I have with it.
Anyway, I am on a quest to find the fall colors here, in Israel. I cannot live only in my memories, can I?
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Saturday, October 2, 2010

I Am So Mad at Myself I Could Scream!

Medieval illustration of a Christian scribe wr...Image via Wikipedia I don't know what the hell is happening with me... I cannot write...It feels like, when you try to breath, and you don't have enough air to fill your lungs...it is like this for me, no air, no nothing. Just a big emptiness that makes me dizzy sometimes, and angry, most of the time. For me, writing is like a second nature. I become a professional journalist because I needed to write. After I came to Israel, I stopped writing. I tried to change my carrer, my priorities, but it didn't work. I had to "retrain" myself to write in English (my native language is Romanian) because I felt I would be heard better in English. It wasn't easy in the beginning, believe me, but I didn't have a choice, it was write or go crazy.
I started this blog because I needed a place to cool down, with so many contradictory things going on in my life and I have to say I am glad I did, it helped my immensely with my English and also with my loneliness, as I made some awesome friends.
I then started to write, really and truly write. Fiction. So many ideas, so many feelings I had to put down on paper. I finished the first draft in a couple of months, writing in a frenzy, like I'd been channeling some superior inteligence telling me what to write. I moved on to editing, cutting and adding, and now I AM STUCK. Big time. It makes me sick just looking at the manuscript.
I cannot go near it. I dream of it at night. Sometimes I am afraid it will dissapear, or I will dissapear and nobody will get to know the story I wanted to tell. I make excuses, I make myself busy. I tell myself I am not feeling well, I am tired, or Maya is sick. Poor excuses, I know, but I don't have anything better to get me out of this mess.

Help?


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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Why I Am Here? - about dreams, dreamers and being naive


I mean, here, in the Holy Land, Alone...
I am sure you've asked yourselves this question (and were too polite to ask me), like, what am I doing here if I don't like it? I am forever complainig about my life here, about the fact that I have no friends and that my family isn't here. You've read my posts where I long for my homeland...So, yes, really, why I am here? The truth is...I did it for love's sake, of course. Love and a strange preocupation of mine with Israel and Judaism.
This story, of why and because, have started a long time ago...I wasn't always a staying at home mum, you know. I was a professional journalist and I was so driven, so determined to make myself a career I used to work like a woman possesed. I was also raising by myself my son, Darie. And I was enjoying life, in general.
But of couse, things are not always that simple.
I fell in love with a guy that happened to be a jerk (well, of course I found that after many years and a lot of heartbreak). The good thing was that him, being Jewish, made me want to know more about Judaism and Israel. Why? I don't know. Maybe, at that time, I wanted to made him proud of me (you know, the shikhsa that knows a lot about Kaballah and Jewish tradition), I wanted a hobby that was...unusual and I felt a strange afinity with the Jewish people since I was in high school and studied the WWII.
Well, things got complicated, because I broke up with the cheating bastard but pursued my journalistic career and my love for all things Jewish. I even decided to write a book about Israel. So, I came to Israel, wrote articles, saw places, met people, feel in love (again, sigh), wrote a book, got married and decided Israel is the place for me...That I was horribly mistaken it is very clear for me now. But I was so caught up in this whirlwind of feelings and events that I forgot to think with my head and did it with my heart...Big mistake, I know now...
There are a lot of things that I did in the past ten years that I don't regret. For one, I don't regret getting married to my husband and I certainly don't regret having Maya. I would be lost, totally lost without them.
But there is a huge difference between dreaming of a life in the Holy Land and actually living it. I don't know if it would be different if we would be living in...I don't know, America, Australia maybe...I am not sure I wouldn't be homesick, no matter where I was. I miss my homeland, I miss it so fiercely that sometimes only thinking about Romania brings back memories so powerful I can smell them.
I am sure it is also a question of being different. Back in Romania I was like everybody else, here...I am different. I am a Christian (and oh, did the Interior Ministry workers make me feel that, or what) and I know now I am not so welcomed here. I can understand this up to a point and I try to cope with it the best I can. I know that extremists are everywhere and each religion has them, so I try to focus on the normal people that make the majority of the Israelis.
The truth is, Israel is a difficult country and it is not easy to live here, no matter what religion or colour you are. Being surrounded by enemy countries, it gives the life here an edge that you won't find anywhere else...
I was naive when I imagined life will be always "pretty" and was even more childish when I thought I could pursue my carrer as a journalist here. And was an absolute idiot when I thought I could live without writing...
But this is enough for one post...I am already overwhelmed by memories, good and bad...Let's leave the rest of the story for another time...Maybe next time I'll tell you about my (failed) attempt at being an English teacher. It will be quite entertaining.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

And Now, About the Books - a very long post, 'cause I read an awful lot lately

'CoverCover of Still Life with Elephant: A Novel
As I've told you in my previous post, I've read a lot, and I mean A LOT of books lately. Most of the were absolutely brilliant and I am going to mention them here, maybe you'll want to give them a try.
First, the ones in the paranormal genre (my favourite, as you know by now) were: Cassandra Clare's "Mortal Instruments Trilogy" (City of Bones, Ashes and Glass). Didn't take my breath away but made a nice lecture. I think there is one more book in the series, but I am not sure I want to read it. Lauren Kate's "Fallen" and Becca Fitzpatrick's "Hush, Hush" are, by far, my favourites. Very nice YA fiction. I know that "Torment" - Lauren Kate's second book is out, and I cannot wait to read it!
If you want to know more about the books I recomend you the goodreads site, you can find some good reviews there.
I also read Charlaine Harris's "Harper Connely" series - "Grave Sight", "Grave Surprise" and "An Ice Cold Grave". I liked them a lot. I almost liked Harper better than I did Sookie Stakehouse.
Looking forward to the fourth book.
Speaking of nice books...I also read Alan Bradley The Weed that Strings the Hangman's Bag - a Flavia de Luce mystery. Actually, the first Flavia de Luce book is "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie".
This is what goodreads says about the two books:
"In his wickedly brilliant first novel, Debut Dagger Award winner Alan Bradley introduces one of the most singular and engaging heroines in recent fiction: eleven-year-old Flavia de Luce, an aspiring chemist with a passion for poison. It is the summer of 1950—and a series of inexplicable events has struck Buckshaw, the decaying English mansion that Flavia’s family calls home. A dead bird is found on the doorstep, a postage stamp bizarrely pinned to its beak. Hours later, Flavia finds a man lying in the cucumber patch and watches him as he takes his dying breath. For Flavia, who is both appalled and delighted, life begins in earnest when murder comes to Buckshaw. “I wish I could say I was afraid, but I wasn’t. Quite the contrary. This was by far the most interesting thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life.”

To Flavia the investigation is the stuff of science: full of possibilities, contradictions, and connections. Soon her father, a man raising his three daughters alone, is seized, accused of murder. And in a police cell, during a violent thunderstorm, Colonel de Luce tells his daughter an astounding story—of a schoolboy friendship turned ugly, of a priceless object that vanished in a bizarre and brazen act of thievery, of a Latin teacher who flung himself to his death from the school’s tower thirty years before. Now Flavia is armed with more than enough knowledge to tie two distant deaths together, to examine new suspects, and begin a search that will lead her all the way to the King of England himself. Of this much the girl is sure: her father is innocent of murder—but protecting her and her sisters from something even worse….

An enthralling mystery, a piercing depiction of class and society, The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie is a masterfully told tale of deceptions—and a rich literary delight.

From Dagger Award–winning and internationally bestselling author Alan Bradley comes this utterly beguiling mystery starring one of fiction’s most remarkable sleuths: Flavia de Luce, a dangerously brilliant eleven-year-old with a passion for chemistry and a genius for solving murders. This time, Flavia finds herself untangling two deaths—separated by time but linked by the unlikeliest of threads.

Flavia thinks that her days of crime-solving in the bucolic English hamlet of Bishop’s Lacy are over—and then Rupert Porson has an unfortunate rendezvous with electricity. The beloved puppeteer has had his own strings sizzled, but who’d do such a thing and why? For Flavia, the questions are intriguing enough to make her put aside her chemistry experiments and schemes of vengeance against her insufferable big sisters. Astride Gladys, her trusty bicycle, Flavia sets out from the de Luces’ crumbling family mansion in search of Bishop’s Lacey’s deadliest secrets.

Does the madwoman who lives in Gibbet Wood know more than she’s letting on? What of the vicar’s odd ministrations to the catatonic woman in the dovecote? Then there’s a German pilot obsessed with the Brontë sisters, a reproachful spinster aunt, and even a box of poisoned chocolates. Most troubling of all is Porson’s assistant, the charming but erratic Nialla. All clues point toward a suspicious death years earlier and a case the local constables can’t solve—without Flavia’s help. But in getting so close to who’s secretly pulling the strings of this dance of death, has our precocious heroine finally gotten in way over her head ?"
Moving on, folks, to chick lit. A bunch of goodies here, also: Carmen Reid - "Celebrity Shopper". If you like Mrs. Read, you'll enjoy this one, too. Jane Costello - "My Single Friend", good read. A bit expectable but still, worthy the effort. Jill Mansell - "Take a Chance on Me". I love Jill and I wasn't dissapointed by this book..."Friends, Lovers and Indiscretions" by Fiona Neill was a nice read, also. But, the books I loved most were:
Milly Johnson "A Summer Fling" was an absolutely delight. Here is what goodreads says:

"When dynamic, power-dressing Christie blows in like a warm wind to take over their department, five very different women find themselves thrown together at work. But none of them could have predicted the fierce bond of friendship that her leadership would inspire...Anna, 39, is reeling from the loss of her fiance, who ran off with a much younger woman. Her pride in tatters, these days Anna finds it difficult to leave the house. So when a handsome, mysterious stranger takes an interest in her, she's not sure whether she can learn to trust again? Then there's Grace, in her fifties, trapped in a loveless marriage with a man she married because, unable to have children of her own, she fell in love with his motherless brood. Grace worries that Dawn is about to make the same mistake: orphaned as a child, engaged to love-rat Calum, is Dawn more interested in the security that comes with his tight-knit, boisterous family? When a sexy, footloose rock singer catches her eye, will Dawn have the courage to follow her heart? At 28, Raychel is the youngest member of their little gang. And with a loving husband, Ben, and a cosy little nest for two, she would seem to be the happiest. But what dark secrets are lurking behind this perfect facade, that make sweet, pretty Raychel so guarded and unwilling to open up? Under Christie's warm hand, the girls soon realise they have some difficult choices to make. Indeed, none of them quite realised how much they needed the sense of fun, laughter, and loyalty that abounds when five women become friends. It's one for all, and all for one!"
I must look for her other books, I am sure they are great too.
Another good one was Amy Huberman "Hello Heartbreak."
But, the best of the best was "Still Life with Elephant" by Judy Reene Singer. It took my breath away...I cried while reading it, and all I can say is please, please go and buy the book and read it! You won't be dissapointed, I guarantee it! Cross my heart...And if you don't believe me, read the goodreads review...

"Can a badly abused elephant halfway across the world help a woman win back her cheating husband? In this funny, heartwarming story, the author of the beloved novel Horseplay presents another smart, memorable heroine and the animals—and men—she loves.

Neelie Sterling never did listen well to the conversation around her. Always preoccupied with an inner monologue, she sometimes missed things. She was happy when Matt, her veterinarian husband, told her he was getting a collie; she liked dogs. He had said colleague, to help with his busy practice. The problems start when the pretty blonde “collie” calls Neelie to say that she is pregnant with Matt’s child. Sent into a tailspin, Neelie throws herself into her horse training business until she discovers that Matt is part of a group planning to leave for Zimbabwe to rescue a badly injured elephant. Thinking she could win Matt’s heart again, Neelie manages to get included.

The trip is dangerous, exhilarating, and revealing. Neelie learns about herself as a wife and a woman. Back at home, she discovers secrets everywhere—with her parents, with Matt, even in training an elephant. Fighting to keep her life from unraveling as she struggles to gain the elephant’s trust, she ultimately learns that healing can be mutual ".
Well, I hope I convinced you. Gotta go now! Loads of good books to read...

...
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Boooooooooring!


Yeah, I know, my life pretty much sucks at the moment, and so do my blog posts. I apologise, but I am going through a very rough patch right now and so I don't feel very optimistic, nor hopeful. I usually am rulled by my emotions and I tend to think and make decisions with my heart and not my head.
I don't think I will be able to write any inspirational or funny or nice posts in the near future, so I am thinking very seriously to stop writing this blog altogether. It is not that I am guru or something and I don't think anybody awaits for my posts the way I wait for the next episode of Hell's Kitchen or True Blood. And, by the way, I am watching now Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the first season as I have it on DVD. I forgot how much fun these episodes are! I also heard there is a new paranormal TV series - Lost Girl, did anybody see it? I like the title, it matches the way I fell...I also read an awful lot of good books lately.
But about the books, in another post...if there will be one. This post is about boringness - is there such a word in the English language? I am too lazy to check and I like the way is sounds, so I'll keep it...
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