Thursday, September 30, 2010

Why I Am Here? - about dreams, dreamers and being naive

I mean, here, in the Holy Land, Alone...
I am sure you've asked yourselves this question (and were too polite to ask me), like, what am I doing here if I don't like it? I am forever complainig about my life here, about the fact that I have no friends and that my family isn't here. You've read my posts where I long for my homeland...So, yes, really, why I am here? The truth is...I did it for love's sake, of course. Love and a strange preocupation of mine with Israel and Judaism.
This story, of why and because, have started a long time ago...I wasn't always a staying at home mum, you know. I was a professional journalist and I was so driven, so determined to make myself a career I used to work like a woman possesed. I was also raising by myself my son, Darie. And I was enjoying life, in general.
But of couse, things are not always that simple.
I fell in love with a guy that happened to be a jerk (well, of course I found that after many years and a lot of heartbreak). The good thing was that him, being Jewish, made me want to know more about Judaism and Israel. Why? I don't know. Maybe, at that time, I wanted to made him proud of me (you know, the shikhsa that knows a lot about Kaballah and Jewish tradition), I wanted a hobby that was...unusual and I felt a strange afinity with the Jewish people since I was in high school and studied the WWII.
Well, things got complicated, because I broke up with the cheating bastard but pursued my journalistic career and my love for all things Jewish. I even decided to write a book about Israel. So, I came to Israel, wrote articles, saw places, met people, feel in love (again, sigh), wrote a book, got married and decided Israel is the place for me...That I was horribly mistaken it is very clear for me now. But I was so caught up in this whirlwind of feelings and events that I forgot to think with my head and did it with my heart...Big mistake, I know now...
There are a lot of things that I did in the past ten years that I don't regret. For one, I don't regret getting married to my husband and I certainly don't regret having Maya. I would be lost, totally lost without them.
But there is a huge difference between dreaming of a life in the Holy Land and actually living it. I don't know if it would be different if we would be living in...I don't know, America, Australia maybe...I am not sure I wouldn't be homesick, no matter where I was. I miss my homeland, I miss it so fiercely that sometimes only thinking about Romania brings back memories so powerful I can smell them.
I am sure it is also a question of being different. Back in Romania I was like everybody else, here...I am different. I am a Christian (and oh, did the Interior Ministry workers make me feel that, or what) and I know now I am not so welcomed here. I can understand this up to a point and I try to cope with it the best I can. I know that extremists are everywhere and each religion has them, so I try to focus on the normal people that make the majority of the Israelis.
The truth is, Israel is a difficult country and it is not easy to live here, no matter what religion or colour you are. Being surrounded by enemy countries, it gives the life here an edge that you won't find anywhere else...
I was naive when I imagined life will be always "pretty" and was even more childish when I thought I could pursue my carrer as a journalist here. And was an absolute idiot when I thought I could live without writing...
But this is enough for one post...I am already overwhelmed by memories, good and bad...Let's leave the rest of the story for another time...Maybe next time I'll tell you about my (failed) attempt at being an English teacher. It will be quite entertaining.

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Lothiriel said...

Wow! I did wonder what made you move there! I will never complain about living far away from my family after I got married.
It's only Texas and New Mexico, after all!

furnicuta boscodina said...

Bruha habaa le Israel :)Si daca te incurajeaza cu ceva , unii nu au rezista nici cateva luni si au plecat ,si venisera aici cu toata forta si curajul dat de sionism si traditie.e greu si uneori imposibil sa te adaptezi cumului de influente ce alcatuiesc civilizatia israeliana, dar cred ca cel mai important in toata povestea asta e sa te simti bine tu cu tine.
Stii de HOR? Stii de Institutul Cultural Roman?

Alone in Holy Land said...

LLuvia - hear this; I live in Israel, my mother in Germany, one brother and my sis in Romania and my other brother in the UK. We weren't able to meet up all of us in more than a dacade. How sad is that?
Boscodina - welcome to my blog! I hope you enjoy your stay. And thank you for the encouragement!