Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I've Lost It, Ladies and Gents!

eu era assimImage by brutapesquisa via Flickr I've lost my drive, totally and completely. Don't want to write anymore, not the book, not the blog. Don't really want to do anything, maybe stay in front of the TV watching "Hell's Kitchen". In the morning I take Maya to the kindergarten and then I just spend my time by waiting for the time to pass and to go take Maya from the kindergarten...
What is happening to me? I wake up in the morning and I am already tired. At night, I cannot sleep and I just lay awake staring at the ceiling and counting Maya's breaths. And worrying, and trying not to think about the bleack present and the more not-so-appealing future.
I've reached a point in life where, I think, I have to make a decision. Do I accept being a house wife, staying at home mother that does nothing in particular, isolates herself and pities herself? Or I try to regain some of my energy, motivation and such? Hmmm, tough decision.
I remember, back in my youth I finished University being a single parent and working full time as a journalist. And now, look at me! I mean, I have to take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror and maybe slap myself in the face. Wake up, or go to sleep forever...
Is this a major existential crisis that I am going through? Is this the beginning of middle age? This is the way an unhappy, unsatisfied person looks like?
What is happening to me? Menopause? Hormones? Too little excitement in my life? Too much honey cake?
I really don't know what is happening to me...all I know it is that I have to snap out of it or everything is going to the dogs...
Any ideas?

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7 comments:

Hevel said...

Sounds like depression. Not in the "oooo I'm so depressed" kind of way. At least my symptoms were very similar. :(

Take care of yourself.

Counting Coconuts said...

I'm sneaking away from packing to check in and see how you're doing. :)

So sorry you're feeling as you are. I went through the SAME thing about 5 years ago. In my case, it was depression derived from boredom. I had too much time on my hands, too much time to think and analyze, to sleep the day away and then stare at the ceiling at night. Because I also had some traumatic issues to deal with from my youth, I underwent some therapy and it helped at the time, but ultimately I just got off my butt and forced myself to do things. I took up hobbies, started exercising, and hardest of all, I made a few friends (not an easy thing for me). It all helped so, so much.

Sorry for the long comment, but I wanted you to know you're totally normal and going through something so many people go through. I think it helps to know you're not alone sometimes.

Hugs,
Mari-Ann

Alex said...

It is depression. I'm there too right now. It is awful, boring and embarrassing. What do we really have to complain about?

Go ask for some help. It doesn't go away.

Take care. XX

Elliot Jaffe said...

Same as the others. Get help. Depression sucks and it draws the life out of you. You need to seek help, either professionally or at least from friends.

Things will get better.

Alone in Holy Land said...

I love you guys, you're the real thing! It is absolutely phenomenal that when I need some help you are here to give me a (virtual) shoulder to cry on.
After I give birth I had a bad case of baby blues that went straight to post natal depression. I was on medication for two years and it didn't really help. The side effects were awful and then I discovered the meds are very addictive and I had a very hard time battling the addiction. I think I am going to try naturopathy and some natural remedies, Bach remedies and such.
The solution to my problems lie within myself and I am the only one who can do it.
And believe me, it is so refresing to know I am not alone in this journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lesa McMahon said...

sounds like depression and depending on your age, you could be dealing with peri-menopause symptoms.

Lesa McMahon said...

luckily depression is treatable. it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of. i treat mine with St. John's Wort. Mustard Flower Essence is also good.