Here, Today - Poem, Sort Of

I'll just sit here for a while

At my desk, putting some order into my thoughts

or letting them out,

breaking dams, trashing barriers

Too much is going on in my head

and outside

in the real world

and I got everything mixed up

I would like to gather myself

into a foetus like position

and lay for a while on the ground

seeking answers

for the questions I was too afraid to ask.

only a short break from this hurricane of feelings and things that have to be done

I am a broken puppet

look, my limbs got all tangled up

breathing is pain

everything in pain

and tears

Could somebody please fix me up,

make my right

set me free?

Oh, I see,

there is nobody for the job

I have to do it myself

for the sake of my children, you understand

So I'll go now
I have to make some calls

I've got my conscience on the line

Excuse me and thank you for listening.

listen

Image by 77Orchids via Flickr

there are things that cannot be said
so please

read between the lines
listen at the silence
between the senteces

open your heart
follow the signs
save me .

Mother (Me)

I dedicate this poem to all the mothers out there...

Mother (Me)

I lie at night

quiet
watching you sleep

counting your breaths
touching your warm cheek

carresing your brilliant eyebrows

looking
searching
trying to decipher

the meaning of all this

from the way

you flutter your eyelids

chasing butterflies

in colorful dreams.

I am weaving

a magical web

made of fine threads of love,
pain, fear

and hope

to protect you

from the shadows
lurking in room corners.

Sleep well my love,

no danger

no demons

no heartbreak

will happen on my watch.

your mother is here.

Things I Miss Most

Image by dreambird via Flickr

Together with old age comes forgetfulness, people say. But I find myself invaded with memories - from my childhood and adolescence. I think we are more attentive to our surroundings when we are younger, we relate differently to places and people. I am glad I have so many precious memories and I'll do my best to imortalize them somehow. For now, I am writing "list poems" with all the things I had in life but I lost. It can be painful to remeber, but it is a meagre price to pay if you don't want to forget...

Things I miss most - I

I miss the passage between seasons,
spring creeping under winter's snow
snowdrops and crocuses
daffodils,
lily of the valley and frangrant lilac
then
the warm air
mellowing forward summer
walking into the woods
earthen, divine smells
moss and fresh leaves
a million insects buzzing
drunk on the perfumed grass
the icy water of the brook bubling
the changing colors of autumn
orange and red and soft brown
fading into the grey sky of winter
fat clouds full of snowflakes
falling on faces
frozen tears melting

But most of all
I miss the feeling of home
of familiar things
of known places

the peal of church bells
rippling the air
Easter and Christmas
full of laughter
families around dinner tables
ladden with food and crokery
that was handed down from mother to daughter

so many memories kept in tight sealed boxes
invading and painful
beloved things I miss most.

Loved and Lost

Image via Wikipedia

So many things loved and lost

A drawer full of old photos and memories
So many things loved and lost
My childhood
with sweet smiles and blond curls
Adolescence in short skirts and crazy haircuts.
All the dogs, tongues lolling, tails wagging
fidelity and wet kisses
the flowers we used to gather in the summer
the magical woods, the sky so blue
seasons coming and going
each one with marvels and miracles
So many people that disapeared from my life
looking at me from above
visiting only in dreams
heart ache and longing

So many things loved and lost
never had the chance to cherish them
to thank them
to keep them close
not enough
and now they are all lost for ever.

Caught in the Middle

Image by Ruud Raats via Flickr

Caught in the middle
rootless
torn between the what if and the
this is it
of a bleak, anonymous existence
dreams of a glamorous life
wilted flowers in the desert
what I am doing here?
the telephone rings
don't answer it
it's the fate
telling about an unborn future that is already dead
I feel my failure deep in the bones
whenever I start writing
something bad happens
come on tears
flood me and short circuit my brain
filled with senseless fantasies.

Sometimes...Me

Image via Wikipedia

Sometimes I laught (well, not as much as I would like, but still)
and sometimes I cry...
sometimes I am the wounded seagull on the hot roof top waiting for a cool wind.
sometimes I love
and sometimes I hate (well, I know it is not a positive feeling, but hey, I'm only human).
sometimes I am so alone I can count the number of my heartbeats
sometimes I am free
and sometimes I look throught the bars of my own helplessness
and sometimes I am whatever I want to be
a wild animal
a soothing rain
a sword vibrating
and sometimes I am so afraid
my body is cold and I curl inward to help the breathing

but as long as I maintain the equilibrium
I am the gatekeeper.

Beads and Sorrow

There are beads and sorrow scattered

all over the floor

at our house,

in the morning.

I sweep them with my broom

when cleaning

but the sorrow is so thick.

In the afternoon the dolls have their tea party

on the sofa

and the sorrow is simply shattered

beadlike and colorful

by my baby's laughter

lets thread them, sorrow and all

there are some pretty necklaces for the dolls to wear.

Tears

Image by {dpade1337} via Flickr

The tears hollowed out
two deep ditches in my cheeks
and they won't let me smile.

Shattered Soul

Image by Poe Tatum via Flickr

My soul shattered in a milion sharp pieces
and it hurts so much
I could sculpt a statue of pain
in the stone
made by the salt of my shedded tears.

There are Moments...

Image by ~jjjohn~ via Flickr

There are moments

that change into days

that become months

of despair and grayness.

How can one survive

the maddening flow

without going insane?