Until I Get To Be Me

 

I am tired, so tired of all of this. Weary and drained. Fed up. Had enough.

Oh, did I offend you? Did you want something nice and cheery and motivational, to help you deal with the crap in your life? You’re in the wrong place, pal. I don’t do any of that. Not today, anyway.

Today I write of pain and disappointment, disease and anxiety, anger and frustration, fatigue and anguish. And so many more feelings that fight to be acknowledged.

I feel like all I do these days is fight something or someone, real or imagined. And I am just tired. Sometimes I think I fight with myself and it is not a pretty sight. I don’t have a very good opinion of myself, so I hurl obscenities at me and try to make myself small and insignificant. And I keep bringing up the mistakes I’ve made, the stupid things I did, and I try to humiliate myself and make me suffer.

Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes I wonder if I am my best one.

When I was young, I used to harm myself.

In order to mute what I felt inside I had to make the physical pain louder.

Not that it helped.

Pain is pain is pain.

And now I have the scars to remind me.

I am so tired.

And I would like nothing more than to lie down under a mighty tree in a deep forest somewhere in the Carpathian Mountains in Romania.

To feel the soft wind on my face and to listen to the sounds of nature: leaves rustling, birds twittering, millions of insects, tiny constellations buzzing in the warm air.

To push my cheek to the ground, to smell the rich moist aroma of the earth and the fresh, green scent of the grass.

To soak the soil with my tears and for the moisture to reach the roots of the tree and then to erupt with the sap in the leaves and to be dried by the sun.

I want to lie there and forget about everything, to rest until I don’t remember who I am anymore, to be born again, new and untainted, not as myself, but as something special, remarkable. A flower, maybe. Or a strange bush. A medicinal plant. To ease and to sooth. To nurture.

And then to begin again. And again. Until I get it right. Until I get to be me.

The Nights From Hell

Image by pasotraspaso via Flickr

Well, after all the shine and cheer of the last day of 2009, New Year resolutions and greetings, hope for world peace and stuff like this I'm back on Earth...Maya is sick again...It started on the 31st of December, after we returned from her godparents (we weren't able to stay unti lmidnight, we were home by 10 o'clock) with a high fever...Then, yesterday evening we started again our saga of ER, blood count, antibiotics, Nurofen, warm baths...I am drained...Three weeks ago, we went through the same routine...Since she started kindergarten, we are in this turnabout of sickness and health, good days and bad days and I feel dizzy... What I do mainly is being a mother, nursing Maya to health, and I think I simply forgot to be me, my own person...I don't remember when I had the time to do something that I enjoy...everything I manage to do for myself is stealing here and there a few moments of peace and quiet. I am glad that at least I am able to be alone when I go to the toilet, until not so long ago Maya insisted on accompanying me. I've been trying to meet a friend for months now and I couldn't find he time to do it, as we've spent almost every week-end in the ER. You know that usualy kids are sick at night, in week-ends and holidays...
I am not saying that I don't enjoy being a mum for my daughter...No way! I love her deeply and I am enjoying every moment of being with her...It is just sometimes I want to be ME, ME, ME, I want to define myself through my personal aspirations and hopes, to see myself through my own eyes. But I guess this is my life and I have to get used to it...
I am so tired and alone, my shoulders ache from the burden I have to carry.I wait for the numbness of my senses like a monk waits for God's blessing...

Only Me, the Dog and the Stray Cat

Image via Wikipedia

Very early this morning my sister and her son have left for Romania. They are still on the road as I'm writing, they'll reach Timisoara by midnight, as they travel from Bucharest by train. And I'm already missing her.
I kept myself busy all day long, because I didn't want to think about them being gone but as soon as I took Dubi the dog for its walk, I couldn't escape the reality anymore. Because, for almost a month, my sister and I took Dubi for its evening walk together. And it was fun. Because there were only the two of us, and we talked about our childhood, sharing memories, about our common disfunctional family, about life and about what happened in the last 10 years yhtat we hadn't seen each other...
And this evening it was only me, again, with Dubi and the stray cat I feed - she likes to stroll with us...
I really envy my sister. Well, not her exactly, but her life. She is close to her brother, keeps in touch with her ex-husband and his parents (even if it is for the sake of her son), our mother (more, "her" mother than mine) visits her every three - four months or so, she's got a job that she loves, has a lot of friends...
I am not saying that my life is bad or something... I love my small family. But this is not what I'd imagined for myself, profesionally and socially... I am so alone here, I've been for a long time now. I had to give up practising the profession I loved, I had to give up so many things I loved and I am not sure I received that much in return...I realise now how important the place I live is for me, how important was my social network back home, how much I loved my home country. But of course it is too late now and I know I'll grow bitter just thinking about what I had and lost...
And it will be only me, Dubi and the stray cat, every evening, all over again...

So Frustrating

Image by stage88 via Flickr

Sometimes I feel that I am so overhelmed by the reality that surrounds me that I am going to explode. ..

The television blares, Maya playes games on the computer and I can hear all kind of noises, I am going to the post office and it is full of people that speak incessantly , Maya comes to bother me - it usually happens when I try to do something on my own, by myself, alone. She talks and talks and talks until she captures my attention, she wants to play a game with me and not by herself near me...the dogs whines because he needs to pee, my husband calls and asks me, candidly, "How are the girls?" and I just want to scream :Quiet!!!!!!!!!!

I need some quiet, I need some silence to hear myself, to hear my thoughts. I had enough of this craziness. It is not enough that the outside world is upside down, my own world is going to collapse???Whenever I need somebody to call, to talk to me, nobody does it, I am left alone; whenever I want some quiet to surround me, everybody just goes nuts and starts making noise!

What a stupid charade...I am never satisfied, ain't I?

Well, I turned off the TV, the dog had his pee, I took over the computer where Maya was playing, I gave her some building blocks and now she builds me a castle and even if I don't have my perfect stilness, it is manageable and I can relax and unstiffen my shoulders.

So, start complainig and start doing something for yourself!

OK. I'll go to pluck my eyebrows, they look like some wild, hairy catterpillars. And then, back to the vacuum cleaner, hang out the clothes, wash the floor, feed Maya...Ouch!!!