Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Nights From Hell

Monk's Loneliness / La soledad del monjeImage by pasotraspaso via Flickr

Well, after all the shine and cheer of the last day of 2009, New Year resolutions and greetings, hope for world peace and stuff like this I'm back on Earth...Maya is sick again...It started on the 31st of December, after we returned from her godparents (we weren't able to stay unti lmidnight, we were home by 10 o'clock) with a high fever...Then, yesterday evening we started again our saga of ER, blood count, antibiotics, Nurofen, warm baths...I am drained...Three weeks ago, we went through the same routine...Since she started kindergarten, we are in this turnabout of sickness and health, good days and bad days and I feel dizzy... What I do mainly is being a mother, nursing Maya to health, and I think I simply forgot to be me, my own person...I don't remember when I had the time to do something that I enjoy...everything I manage to do for myself is stealing here and there a few moments of peace and quiet. I am glad that at least I am able to be alone when I go to the toilet, until not so long ago Maya insisted on accompanying me. I've been trying to meet a friend for months now and I couldn't find he time to do it, as we've spent almost every week-end in the ER. You know that usualy kids are sick at night, in week-ends and holidays...
I am not saying that I don't enjoy being a mum for my daughter...No way! I love her deeply and I am enjoying every moment of being with her...It is just sometimes I want to be ME, ME, ME, I want to define myself through my personal aspirations and hopes, to see myself through my own eyes. But I guess this is my life and I have to get used to it...
I am so tired and alone, my shoulders ache from the burden I have to carry.I wait for the numbness of my senses like a monk waits for God's blessing...

5 comments:

Marilyn said...

I hope that Maya recovers soon. Have a wonderful 2010, as I read somewhere..."Don't look back" seems to be the best resolution to make....
Much love to you!

Hevel said...

I hope Maya will feel better soon. As her immune system builds up, hopefully things will start to get better by the time spring rolls around. I found that the rainy season aggrevates whatever bugs my kids get.

Thinking of you!

Sari said...

Oh how I relate to your post... I hear this over and over and certainly felt it for such a long time dear friend - as Moms we forget ourselves and find that we hardly even know who we are anymore, once he have a moment to reflect. Our nature is to nurture and take care, but through many tribulations I have learned that if I do not take care of myself, it all falls apart. My Dr's have joined in and said that 2010 is All About Me. I think you should do the same - this of course does not mean to neglect your child(crazy that we even have to write this here so that people do not misunderstand) but instead carve out that "me" time and make it a priority. Daily. Even if to sit and drink a cup of tea - alone - without distractions. A hot bath once Maya is asleep.. Anything. You are worth it!

With you in prayer for Maya to recover soon and for you to find some "me" time.

Sari

Alone in Holy Land said...

Thnak you, my friends!
Your kind words mean the world to me!

Queenie The Bee said...

Hope your little girl feels better soon! Winter is always so hard with viruses, etc....when kids get together it always happens! Hope she feels better- I totally know what you're going through. It will get better!