Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I Know and I'm Sorry

Description unavailableImage by ╰⊰✿ y o k o ✿⊱╮ via Flickr

I know I am a pain in the ass. I know I have lots of things to be thankful for and even so, I am here, day after day, moaning my heart out. I know and I am sorry I am such a pity excuse of a mother and woman. But this is the way I am built, the way I function.
I guess I could blame it on my childhood. My mother rejected me and I was lucky I had my great aunt to raise me. I didn't know a girl was supposed to have a period and it freaked me out when I had mine. My aunt told me afterwards about menstruation. Nobody ever told me about bees and flowers, about good boys and bad ones, about what happens between a boy and a girl. So I got myself raped at 18 and pregnant at 19...I had a lot of "step fathers", official and un-official ones and two of them actually threw me out of the house...Once when I was a teenager and once when I was 20 years old. My mother never told them off. When I had to visit my hometown I used to stay at the hotel, because I didn't have a place in our family's house...
So, you see, I am broken. The things that happened in my life when I was a kid, a teenager and a young woman caused something to snap deep in my soul and marked me for life. And this flaw of mine makes me be forever afraid that I am not a good enough mother, a good enough person because all I had back then was REJECTION. I used to think nobody loves me, and in a sense, nobody did...
If I needed shoes or clothes and my great aunt didn't buy them for me, my mother always said: "You're a big girl now, you don't need them much as your brothers do..." And so I used to wear borrowed clothes (and I thank my BFF Marieta for helping me out then).
I remember that I used to collect stamps, coins and napkins. I had beautiful collections...thousands of items. And my younger brothers sold them! I am able to laugh now at the memory, but I was devastated when it happened. And it happened because there was nobody to protect me and what was mine. For my mother, my brothers and my sister were everything. I, on the other hand, was a mistake from her youth...and an unpaid babysitter and cleaner.
I didn't have a happy childhood and still, I manage to remember the good things. When I was younger I had this capacity to put all the bad things aside and to move on, to carry on fighting. I think I have to look inside myself to see if I can find this gift again...
So, please, don't judge me too harshly, this is the way I am built. I have to prove myself that I am a good mother, that I achieved something in this life...
I have so many things to say...but I'll stop here because I said enough today. And my baby needs me...

I am linking this post to Shel's blog and weekly meme "Pour Your Heart out Wednesday"



7 comments:

Aine Butler-Smith said...

The only person I see judging you here in this post is you. Please be gentle with yourself Ramona. You have someone who loves you now, you children love you, and you love them. You are not back there in the past, and you are not in your future, you are here, now, and you are loved.
I am sending love to you. I love you Ramona. I was hurt and rejected by my mother as well. She is human and capable of making mistakes, just as any other human.
So I forgave her and moved on to strive to be a better human to see if I could heal the legacy I was left and create a better one for my children. I think I'm doing pretty good.

Shell said...

Oh, how sad that there was no one there to protect you, to stand up for you, and tell you that you are worthwhile. I hope that you can have the strength to do those things for yourself now.

Thanks for linking up.

Tylaine said...

Hi Ramona,

I'm so sorry you were hurt in the past and I hope you can find that strength that it within you to know you are worthwile and loved and a good mother and a wonderful person. God gave you your daughter because He wanted you to be her mother. She loves you and looks up to you. She needs you.
I can certainly sympathize with your pain and I hope you know you have tons of support here in the blog world! :)

Tammy said...

My heart cries for you! What a tough time growing up. I wrote about growing up today too, but in a totally different perspective. I am sending you a hug!

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

Jesus- that's hard to read. But I believe peole like ouwho somehow find the strength to communicate their horrible misfortunes to the rest of is the only way "the rest of us" can understand how good we have it. Thanks for sharing.

allison ames said...

I was hurt by my mother too and at times I believe I have forgiven her and then I notice that I still hold certain things against her. It's exhausting not being able to forgive her and move on so I commend you for being the mother you are to your daughter! The fact that you care and you are there for her shows that you are deserving of the love you receive from her; no judgments, just love.

Sharnanigans said...

Ramona, thanks for this honest, honest post. It seems you did have a difficult time growing up and my heart goes out to you and sending you lots of love for you to heal. I hope, like Aine says, you can take the pain of the past find a way in your heart to forgive it, accept it and find the strength from the adversity to be the strongest most loving person you can be - both to yourself and Maya. The Present is All There Is. Take a moment to see what exists NOW and now only. There is much beauty in the present moment. I believe everything that has happened, even the most difficult and sad has happened to lead us to where we need to be now. If you can find a way to make peace with your past it will help you find the present.