Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Youth Like a FAllen Angel

London Fallen AngelImage by christophe dune via Flickr

Last week I got distracted with the stuff that I had to do around the house and didn't think much about blogging...Sometimes I do that and it feels good not thinking about "serious" stuff, transforming into a cleaning-cooking-minding the kid machine. But of course it doesn't last forever! The little people that live in my brain won't let me live happily ever after in my SAHM kinda way. No, they will get bored and start pushing me around, making me think...They are like:"Do you enjoy your life, don't you??? Look at you, doing chores like you wouldn't know anything else...Did you get a MA in languages to finish doing this? You were a journalist and the editor in chief of a daily newspaper and now you are cleaning cat sick from the carpet? You had such a glamorous life...and a few good friends...and now, look at you...stuck in the house, friendless, depressed, trying to write a f***ing novel, like anyone would me interesting in your sad, little doings, for goodness sake!" And so it goes, over and over again...until, in desperation, I allow myself to the same gloom that sorrounds me most of the time. No wonder that even Jesus said it would be better to be intellectually challenged, because you'll inherit the Kingdom to come... don't think to much, just live and...oh, who I am kidding? I a the person that will question everything, the restless soul that will disect everything ad nauseatum, until I make myself sick with worry and I end having a panick attack.
I miss my former life, I miss myself the way I was 10 years ago, full of hope and oh, so naive. Bu I also enjoy being at home with Maya (it was a luxury I couldn't afford with my son, as a single parent), watching her grow and develop. I am also content that I have more time to read and write (when Maya is healthy, that is). And sometimes, I also have time for daytime television! I know I am not perfect (God, what an understatement) but I am starting to reach some point in my life where, hopefully, I will be able to me more detached from things that are not good for me and focus on the important ones...I am getting old, so I am supposed to be wiser! Scary, huh? I miss sometimes the inconscience of youth, the "I am here to live forever" motto that every teenager has tattoed on his forehead, the "I can do whatever I want" attitude, the dreams...oh, the dreams that reach the moon with their courage and foolishness...
I was all that and even more...and look at me now, the fallen angel of my lost youth...
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3 comments:

Mie said...

Hi I was looking for a new blog to follow and I find your blog nice, for you are living in a foreign land.
every one of us will go on to the next stage of our lives and always we have to leave behind a phase in our lives, that's just how we live in this world, we'll some of us anyway. some just let their lives be as is, with no changes but for some like you, its a courage to do what you did, living in a foreign country, accepting changes, adapting, whatever you do now that is still great!

Alone in Holy Land said...

Hi MIe,
thank you for visiting and following my blog! I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.

Heabe said...

Hi to Maya!
So glad to find you have a blog site where I can write to you. We received your postcard and my kids were so excited to receive it. My son loved the postcard with all the cities we read about on it!
We have a blog site too:
http://day1everypeninthehouseranoutofink.blogspot.com/
Will write back to tell you about New Zealand.
Bronwyn