My Youth Like a FAllen Angel

Image by christophe dune via Flickr

Last week I got distracted with the stuff that I had to do around the house and didn't think much about blogging...Sometimes I do that and it feels good not thinking about "serious" stuff, transforming into a cleaning-cooking-minding the kid machine. But of course it doesn't last forever! The little people that live in my brain won't let me live happily ever after in my SAHM kinda way. No, they will get bored and start pushing me around, making me think...They are like:"Do you enjoy your life, don't you??? Look at you, doing chores like you wouldn't know anything else...Did you get a MA in languages to finish doing this? You were a journalist and the editor in chief of a daily newspaper and now you are cleaning cat sick from the carpet? You had such a glamorous life...and a few good friends...and now, look at you...stuck in the house, friendless, depressed, trying to write a f***ing novel, like anyone would me interesting in your sad, little doings, for goodness sake!" And so it goes, over and over again...until, in desperation, I allow myself to the same gloom that sorrounds me most of the time. No wonder that even Jesus said it would be better to be intellectually challenged, because you'll inherit the Kingdom to come... don't think to much, just live and...oh, who I am kidding? I a the person that will question everything, the restless soul that will disect everything ad nauseatum, until I make myself sick with worry and I end having a panick attack.
I miss my former life, I miss myself the way I was 10 years ago, full of hope and oh, so naive. Bu I also enjoy being at home with Maya (it was a luxury I couldn't afford with my son, as a single parent), watching her grow and develop. I am also content that I have more time to read and write (when Maya is healthy, that is). And sometimes, I also have time for daytime television! I know I am not perfect (God, what an understatement) but I am starting to reach some point in my life where, hopefully, I will be able to me more detached from things that are not good for me and focus on the important ones...I am getting old, so I am supposed to be wiser! Scary, huh? I miss sometimes the inconscience of youth, the "I am here to live forever" motto that every teenager has tattoed on his forehead, the "I can do whatever I want" attitude, the dreams...oh, the dreams that reach the moon with their courage and foolishness...
I was all that and even more...and look at me now, the fallen angel of my lost youth...