Image by EmoHoernRockZ via Flickr
Last week was a nightmarish one. I feel emotionally and physically drained, like I have nothing left to sustain me, I function on autopilot. To see Maya, again, pale and feverish, lying in bed and not being able to do much to help her...it feels like ants crawling under my skin.
For the last two-three days she has been feeling better (knock wood), the doctor says she's on the mend. But today, at some moment, I touched her forehead (it became a tic for me) and it felt...warm...warmer than usual. In an instant, I felt a wave of panic engulfing me, I felt nauseous with fear. With trembling hands I checked her temperature, but it was OK. I guess my hands were cold or something. But in that scary second, I saw my life flashing before my eyes...I cried with relief afterwards and now my body aches as after a long illness. I know I have to be stronger, more rational...but that's me, my heart on my sleeve and my emotions up to the roof. An old emo, that's me. I'll have to dye my hair black and wear studded belts and leather waistbands. Apart from that, I have all the angst and depression to go with it. But jokes aside, I really have a hard time copying...I really don't know why, Maya is my second child. With my son, though, I was surrounded my friends and family and didn't have this haunting feeling of insecurity...
No friends, no family and my husband's telling me "Meditate". Great! And please don't tell me I need a support group because there are no groups to support me. So, here it goes...ohmmmmmm...nope, doesn't work....ohmmmmmm....ohmmmmmmm....
Love you all.
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4 comments:
I guess it is all down to you then Ramona. "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear"
Glad Maya is on the mend. xx
Ramona, there is nothing so lonely as parenting solo, I feel your isolation and anguish. Be your own support group... tell yourself what you would tell a friend of yours going through what you are. Be as forgiving to yourself as you are to your friends, don't beat yourself up and contemplate bad hari dye jobs, just give yourself a pep talk about what a great job you are doing (and you are!) and how Maya will be her delightful self soon and will have once again learned she can count on her Mother to be there for her.
Oh friend, I think it is so natural to doubt ourselves as mothers. Surely it happens to mothers with 5children even. But know that you are fully capable of keeping her safe and well. I also empathize with being alone - I did that for the first two years of Sam's life and it was so hard..I was unable to pull myself out of that hole - not having someone to share the fears and emotions with..everyone was just too far away.
But we are here - write it and we read. We are here and we love you.
Hope your little one continues to improve. Many hugs to you both and prayers for strength. not sure if you know this but you my dear are a very strong woman. :)
Your fantastic support and your empovering words moved me to tears...
I feel blessed that I have such good friends, even virtual ones. And yes, writing liberates me, helps me vanish my fears.
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