Here, Today - Poem, Sort Of

I'll just sit here for a while

At my desk, putting some order into my thoughts

or letting them out,

breaking dams, trashing barriers

Too much is going on in my head

and outside

in the real world

and I got everything mixed up

I would like to gather myself

into a foetus like position

and lay for a while on the ground

seeking answers

for the questions I was too afraid to ask.

only a short break from this hurricane of feelings and things that have to be done

I am a broken puppet

look, my limbs got all tangled up

breathing is pain

everything in pain

and tears

Could somebody please fix me up,

make my right

set me free?

Oh, I see,

there is nobody for the job

I have to do it myself

for the sake of my children, you understand

So I'll go now
I have to make some calls

I've got my conscience on the line

Excuse me and thank you for listening.

Learn Your Lessons

I know that I sound now like my friend Kathy (please visit her blog and you'll see what I am talking about) but the title seemed appropriate for what happened to me today. I'll tell you in a sec all about it if you promise not to laugh (too hard).

O.K., here is comes...Today I had the most fantastic epiphany ever while...baking muffins. Yep. First of all, I never ever have baked anything in my entire life (apart from jacket potatoes). I don't know, I think I was afraid of failure...I am a self-taught cook and I am not the best one. At home, when I was a kid my mother used me to babysit my brothers and sister and didn't let me in the kitchen. I picked stuff here and there, from my grandmother and great aunt but, believe me...I suck at cooking. And baking...wow, baking for me was like the Mount Everest for alpinists. But lately Maya kept asking me to bake "cookies" with her, and what kind of mother am I if I am not able to do something that basic? So, as we had a pretty easy muffins recipe in one of Maya's crafts' book I said to myself "Why not? What is the worst that could happen? Burn the stuff to a crisp?" And you know what? I DID IT! I baked the flaming muffins! And they came out just fine, actually, they are tasty! And it was so much fun, as Maya did all the stirring and pouring and measuring and of course, everything was done under the attentive supervision of Dasha the cat.

So, today's baking taught me something precious: never to be afraid to try something new. Even if it seems scary. Even if you think you're too old for it...Because, if you put your mind to it...the sky is the limit...Speaking of it...next time when I'll be in the mood for something new, maybe I'll go for bunjee-jumping!

I'm In Australia!

Image by Linh_rOm via Flickr

Well, virtually speaking, that is!
But isn't internet the best invention ever? Today I am over at Sharni's, a very good bloggy friend of mine! Come on and check it out...

No Title

Shame on me! I didn't post in a while...but I had some good reasons...well, not exactly, maybe only some feeble excuses, like : now that Maya is at home (she's out of the kindy) my days are full. I am kind of homeschooling her, so I am forever looking for interesting Montessori type activities. There are some very good blogs out there, so I have a lot to sieve. And then I am seriously writing. Fiction. My NOVEL. It is a bit of a struggle, as English is not my first language, but I am not going to give up. So at night, after Maya is asleep, you can find me at my desk, writing until my vision blurrs. It is the only time I can write without being disturbed - if I don't count the cat nibbling at my pen or sitting on my keyboard...Speaking about the cat...she is settling well, she's sweet and very curious and very good with Maya. She likes to play a lot and she already conquered our hearts.

So, please understand me. I am thinking a lot about this blog as I love it dearly and I made a lot of great friends through it. I am not going to abandon it, no way! I promise to post as often as I did before, at least I'll try to...

I love you all, my readers, my friends. Each and every one of you is so important to me...

(The picture that appears in this post was taken by my daughter Maya)

My Youth Like a FAllen Angel

Image by christophe dune via Flickr

Last week I got distracted with the stuff that I had to do around the house and didn't think much about blogging...Sometimes I do that and it feels good not thinking about "serious" stuff, transforming into a cleaning-cooking-minding the kid machine. But of course it doesn't last forever! The little people that live in my brain won't let me live happily ever after in my SAHM kinda way. No, they will get bored and start pushing me around, making me think...They are like:"Do you enjoy your life, don't you??? Look at you, doing chores like you wouldn't know anything else...Did you get a MA in languages to finish doing this? You were a journalist and the editor in chief of a daily newspaper and now you are cleaning cat sick from the carpet? You had such a glamorous life...and a few good friends...and now, look at you...stuck in the house, friendless, depressed, trying to write a f***ing novel, like anyone would me interesting in your sad, little doings, for goodness sake!" And so it goes, over and over again...until, in desperation, I allow myself to the same gloom that sorrounds me most of the time. No wonder that even Jesus said it would be better to be intellectually challenged, because you'll inherit the Kingdom to come... don't think to much, just live and...oh, who I am kidding? I a the person that will question everything, the restless soul that will disect everything ad nauseatum, until I make myself sick with worry and I end having a panick attack.
I miss my former life, I miss myself the way I was 10 years ago, full of hope and oh, so naive. Bu I also enjoy being at home with Maya (it was a luxury I couldn't afford with my son, as a single parent), watching her grow and develop. I am also content that I have more time to read and write (when Maya is healthy, that is). And sometimes, I also have time for daytime television! I know I am not perfect (God, what an understatement) but I am starting to reach some point in my life where, hopefully, I will be able to me more detached from things that are not good for me and focus on the important ones...I am getting old, so I am supposed to be wiser! Scary, huh? I miss sometimes the inconscience of youth, the "I am here to live forever" motto that every teenager has tattoed on his forehead, the "I can do whatever I want" attitude, the dreams...oh, the dreams that reach the moon with their courage and foolishness...
I was all that and even more...and look at me now, the fallen angel of my lost youth...

Dasha - a photo post

As I said in an earlier post, our family has a new member: Dasha the cat. Because during the first week in our house she was hidding under different pieces of furniture I wasn't able to take pictures. This week...she adopted us and our apartment is her kingdom...

In a Relaxed Mood...Blog Awards

Today I need to be totally cool and relaxed, as I have a Holter machine thingy attached to my body. The aforementioned contraption is meant to record my heart's activity during a period of 24 hours. I got the thing yesterday afternoon and yes, I had to somehow sleep with it and it will be taken off today. I am to be relaxed, otherwise the machine's recordings will go crazy, as I am known to be passionate abouth my fights.

The weather is absolutely yucky with a major sand storm going on so I thought this is the best time to give Maya her rice filled sensory box as she enjoys digging for treasures and then do some work of art with the objects she finds and for me to blog about something nice. And what could be nicer than blogging about the bloggy awards I received?

My bloggy friend Sari gave me not one, not two, but three awards! Thank you, Sari! Sari is a very special lady and a fantastic mother and she blogs straight from her heart!

As I've already answered the questions that came with the Honest Scrap and the Sunshine Award I am going to concentrate on the Preppy Mafia Award. Here are the questions I had to answer:

1. Who is your style icon?

I don't really have a style. But I love the kick-ass bad-girl image, you know, black stilettos, fishnets, short black skirt, flimsy top and a stake hidden in the bun.

2.What is your favorite socialite lit book?
It has to be the Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsela. It is more chick lit than socialite, but I am not sure how socialite literature does look, even though I googled it...

3. Favorite party theme?
I am not much of a party girl, but if I'd go to a party, I would like it to have a winter theme, as I miss winter so very much. And SpongeBob, of course...

4. Go to Haloween costume?

Well, here in Israel we have Purim for costumes, and for me the costume would be...angel.

5. Extravagance you cannot live without?

I don't know if it is called an extravagance, but I cannot live without the Illy brand of cofee and my coffee maker.
6. Living person you admire?

Hmmm...I think it has to be the Dalai Lama. And Robin Sharma. And J.K. Rowlings. And...sorry, it has to be only ONE person??

7. Greatest fear?

As a mother, anything bad to happen to my kids...

8. Trait you deplore in yourself?

That I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I think this is my karma, to learn from my mistakes and to not repeat them...Until then, I think I'll have to face the consequences of my choices in every reincarnation...

9. Which talent would you like to have?

Singer.

10. Greatest achievement?

Besides my kids?

Phew, that was difficult...Felt like a student taking a test...Once again, thank you Sari!

listen

Image by 77Orchids via Flickr

there are things that cannot be said
so please

read between the lines
listen at the silence
between the senteces

open your heart
follow the signs
save me .

Mother (Me)

I dedicate this poem to all the mothers out there...

Mother (Me)

I lie at night

quiet
watching you sleep

counting your breaths
touching your warm cheek

carresing your brilliant eyebrows

looking
searching
trying to decipher

the meaning of all this

from the way

you flutter your eyelids

chasing butterflies

in colorful dreams.

I am weaving

a magical web

made of fine threads of love,
pain, fear

and hope

to protect you

from the shadows
lurking in room corners.

Sleep well my love,

no danger

no demons

no heartbreak

will happen on my watch.

your mother is here.

I Know and I'm Sorry

Image by ╰⊰✿ y o k o ✿⊱╮ via Flickr

I know I am a pain in the ass. I know I have lots of things to be thankful for and even so, I am here, day after day, moaning my heart out. I know and I am sorry I am such a pity excuse of a mother and woman. But this is the way I am built, the way I function.
I guess I could blame it on my childhood. My mother rejected me and I was lucky I had my great aunt to raise me. I didn't know a girl was supposed to have a period and it freaked me out when I had mine. My aunt told me afterwards about menstruation. Nobody ever told me about bees and flowers, about good boys and bad ones, about what happens between a boy and a girl. So I got myself raped at 18 and pregnant at 19...I had a lot of "step fathers", official and un-official ones and two of them actually threw me out of the house...Once when I was a teenager and once when I was 20 years old. My mother never told them off. When I had to visit my hometown I used to stay at the hotel, because I didn't have a place in our family's house...
So, you see, I am broken. The things that happened in my life when I was a kid, a teenager and a young woman caused something to snap deep in my soul and marked me for life. And this flaw of mine makes me be forever afraid that I am not a good enough mother, a good enough person because all I had back then was REJECTION. I used to think nobody loves me, and in a sense, nobody did...
If I needed shoes or clothes and my great aunt didn't buy them for me, my mother always said: "You're a big girl now, you don't need them much as your brothers do..." And so I used to wear borrowed clothes (and I thank my BFF Marieta for helping me out then).
I remember that I used to collect stamps, coins and napkins. I had beautiful collections...thousands of items. And my younger brothers sold them! I am able to laugh now at the memory, but I was devastated when it happened. And it happened because there was nobody to protect me and what was mine. For my mother, my brothers and my sister were everything. I, on the other hand, was a mistake from her youth...and an unpaid babysitter and cleaner.
I didn't have a happy childhood and still, I manage to remember the good things. When I was younger I had this capacity to put all the bad things aside and to move on, to carry on fighting. I think I have to look inside myself to see if I can find this gift again...
So, please, don't judge me too harshly, this is the way I am built. I have to prove myself that I am a good mother, that I achieved something in this life...
I have so many things to say...but I'll stop here because I said enough today. And my baby needs me...

I am linking this post to Shel's blog and weekly meme "Pour Your Heart out Wednesday"

I Cannot Do This Anymore!

Image by EmoHoernRockZ via Flickr

Last week was a nightmarish one. I feel emotionally and physically drained, like I have nothing left to sustain me, I function on autopilot. To see Maya, again, pale and feverish, lying in bed and not being able to do much to help her...it feels like ants crawling under my skin.
For the last two-three days she has been feeling better (knock wood), the doctor says she's on the mend. But today, at some moment, I touched her forehead (it became a tic for me) and it felt...warm...warmer than usual. In an instant, I felt a wave of panic engulfing me, I felt nauseous with fear. With trembling hands I checked her temperature, but it was OK. I guess my hands were cold or something. But in that scary second, I saw my life flashing before my eyes...I cried with relief afterwards and now my body aches as after a long illness. I know I have to be stronger, more rational...but that's me, my heart on my sleeve and my emotions up to the roof. An old emo, that's me. I'll have to dye my hair black and wear studded belts and leather waistbands. Apart from that, I have all the angst and depression to go with it. But jokes aside, I really have a hard time copying...I really don't know why, Maya is my second child. With my son, though, I was surrounded my friends and family and didn't have this haunting feeling of insecurity...

No friends, no family and my husband's telling me "Meditate". Great! And please don't tell me I need a support group because there are no groups to support me. So, here it goes...ohmmmmmm...nope, doesn't work....ohmmmmmm....ohmmmmmmm....

Love you all.