Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Lost in Motherhood

MotherhoodImage by paterjt via Flickr

Some time ago, I was a (almost) normal person. Went to work, enjoyed imensely my job, raised one kid, went out with friends, this kind of thing. I used to go to the hairdaresser's, got my nails done, I used to buy nice clothes and I even went to the gym...Life was (almost) good.
Then, I got remarried and left Romania for Israel. And lost myself, never to find me again.
After a few very strange years, when I tried hard to accomodate myself to a new life in a strange land, worked in a profession that made me sick and became more and more confused, my daughter came along. I remember the first hour after she was born, they wrapped her up in some battered blanket and her father hold her...she was looking with her eyes wide open, as if to take everything in, quiet and amazed...I was so happy and scared I cried for a couple of days as I watched my baby sleep. Then along came the depression and I fought it with all my heart but I just couldn't win. It was a terrible period of my life...Things got a little better and I was able to throw into the bin the antidepressants they gave me. And now I am back at square one. I don't know who I am anymore. Lost in motherhood, without a life of my own, totally depending on my husband for food and shelter, taking up silly hobbies to give myself the illusion I am doing something useful, I am so unhappy sometimes I am ashamed to say it. I know I should be grateful for a lot of things in my life...But I don't think it functions this way... Of course I am grateful for what God gave me, for the husband that provides, but what about me? What am I giving myself to the thankful for? It sounds confusing, and confused I am right now. But I know that until I am not going to do something to prove myself I am still able to do it, life will never be...my own.
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7 comments:

Marilyn said...

Ramona...Your story reminds me of when I first held my son after 5 days in the hospital..I had lost a lot of blood and 20 lbs...I refused blood transfusions and barely would eat...
When we got home, I sat on the floor, holding my newborn son, and I wept...I wept at the enormous realization of what this child represented...my childhood was gone. I had become a woman, a wife, and now I was a mother...but where was me...who was I? I had 6 weeks to recover before I went back to work...and the fight my body went through to get back to 'normal', balanced with sleep deprivation, and the changing roles in my life in a foreign country...I laughed, cried, and felt the highs and lows all rush at me...even with nearly losing my husband...

We seem like we are alone...but we are not. I was recently criticized by my son, for working, for loving my life...too much.

Ramona...what I took away from this...is that you have to listen to those feelings you have...and do something about them. They are not meaningless...they are trying to get you to look at your toolbox, because the only right answer is the one you provide by listening inside..to you.

It is easy to throw words and say it will get better, but we all have the power to end our dramas.

Thank you for writing this post...it made me realize that no matter what you do for others...you have to be true to yourself.

Take heart...you are not alone.

Hevel said...

*virtual hug once again*

Sharnanigans said...

Ramona, I agree with Marilyn. You have the answers within you. I really feel for you, as I have had periods in my life too where I have felt as you have - lost. But in hindsight these periods prove helpful - so take some time to listen to you, take some quiet moments somewhere, can you learn to meditate. You need to listen to and only listen to that little voice within you.
This blog is something wonderfully only YOU do you realise. Thanks for sharing you with us. Here for you & supporting you from bloggy land xx

Alone in Holy Land said...

What can I say, Marilyn, Hevel, Sharni...Thank you for being such wonderful, supportive friends.
I do realize that I have to learn my lesson, take whatever I need to take from it and move on...sometimes it is such a hard task...

kouponkrazi said...

Ramona, I have been a SAHM for 24 years and been dealing with depression for even longer. Please remember that you are not alone! My thoughts & prayers are with you as you work through this. Also remember that you have the answers are within yourself. BIG HUGS to you!

Acting Balanced Mom said...

Found your post on Networked Blogs... and have started following your post - I'm a mom who loves to read but most of my life has been taken over by teaching my fellow moms how to save money on coupon shopping and keeping up with hubby and the kids...

Would love you to visit my personal blog - will be following you :)

Heather - Actingbalanced.blogspot.com &
couponning101.blogspot.com

Nicole said...

I know how you feel! After four kids, I felt that way too! Where had I gone? I had so much to be grateful for but was so unhappy!

I founded www.MOMentity.com to help moms just like us! I have a free audio download on my site that might help you. Hugs!