Thursday, January 21, 2010

Run, Run As Fast As You Can

Gingerbread ManImage via Wikipedia


The Gingerbread Man story is one of Maya's favourites. She likes the short poem and these days whenever I feel trapped in this hamster wheel I remember them...I would like to run for a while...but, paranoic as I am, I prefer to stay indoors with my baby. They doctor said that for her MRI scan Maya has to be healthy, and because she's been sneezing a lot and has a snotty nose, I am afraid to take her outside or to go see people, go anywhere. I have to protect her. I am raving mad, right, but the guilt complex is well settled inside my consciousness and of course I'm blaming myself for what happened with my sweet baby. You know the "what if" game , it is what is going on and on in my head...So, run, run as fast as you can...

As I said before, to keep myself "busy" at night and to stay nightmare free, I am reading. I started in the hospital with Laurell Hamilton's Anita Blake series...I remember one specific night when in the same room with us there were 5 more sick babies, each and every one under one year old, and they were screaming and crying and Maya fell asleep exhausted after asking a million times what is wrong with the babies, mummy, but if you'd asked me in the morning what I'd read...no idea...my brain was so wired up that I hadn't the slighest idea what was the book about. I am going to make it right and re-read the book soon...I also read Lili St Crow's Strange Angels, the second book in the series, and the latest Marian Keyes- "The brightest Star in The Sky" - absolutely sweet, and Linda Lael Miller and Wendy Wasserstein's Elements of Style (loved it) and started a few more books and put them aside after a few pages...

Today Maya asked me: "Mummy, why do you have a sad smile?"
What is the answer to this question, I'm asking you?
So, run, run as fast as you can...



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4 comments:

Aine Butler-Smith said...

I found your blog through Katherine Jenkins' blog. I want to say how sorry I am with the difficulties your daughter is going through. I am a mother and grandmother and my youngest child has a chronic health condition, she is now nineteen and managing her health quite well but we had our harrowing periods, so I really sympathize.
I am following you now and I will check in often and offer whatever support I can.
Best wishes

Aine
http://theevolvingspirit.blogspot.com

Acting Balanced Mom said...

Hugs! I hope that you will be able to stop 'running' soon... waiting for tests sucks... I hope Maya is starting to feel better!

Lena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lena said...

When it is about kids and their well-being, it is way better to be paranoic and overprotective. My little niece has a bad allergy and asthma, any new food or scent can provoke a panic attack and breathing issues. My mom who takes the most care of her, has hard time when she has to take her out and expose her to the world.

PS: the deleted comment is mine, I kind of hit publish earlier than needed

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