Saturday, February 27, 2010

Some Memories and Back to Reality

Persistence of memories...Image by Parvin ♣( OFF&ON - Very limited ) via Flickr

Maya is feeling better, thank God. It was that 24 hours virus thingy...she's eating now and didn't throw up today. Oh boy, I was so scarred when I saw her vomiting again! The previous time she threw up it was when all our problems begun...
I am shattered...everybody keeps telling me it will get better and I do believe and hope it will, but I am not that visionary these days, so don't blame me if I'll be skeptical. These past two months I felt like I struggled for air, trying to keep my head above the water, gulping and fighting...Just when I felt the solid ground under my feet, just when I though I found my tiny niche in this crazy, bad world, it was like...zap...and I was left with nothing to ground myself on...And it was scarry...Not so long ago I had won my battle with the anti-depressants and I thought something around "I am the king of the bloody world" because I don't need the white pill to keep me sane...and then the sky fell on my head and that was it. No dreams, no hopes, just living to see my daughter getting better, being strong for her, playing the role of the powerful, supportive alpha mum until my teeth hurt because I kept grinding them.
Maya is so sensitive to my moods, my state of mind...she feels every tiny change in the tone of my voice, every inflexion, she analyses the way I smile and she urges me to smile a happy smile, not a sad one...So I try to play my part well, to be the mother she needs me to be. I never had the mother I wished for. Mine discarded me like you do with an item you no longer need, she just put me aside and took me back whenever she needed me, like, for example all the years when I was the unpaid babysitter for my step brothers and sister. I remember once, I was aproximately 15 years old and I shouted at her: "You never ask me anything. You don't care what I do or what I feel, you never talk to me". And she just looked at me and said nothing...and it hurt, oh, it hurt so much that I can feel it deep in my soul even today. So I promised myself I will care. I will ask my kids and talk to them and be there for them whenever they need me. Because being a mother is a huge responsability and always my kids will come first. Always.
But I digress now. There will be another time to remember other things, to analyse and disect them.
Now, duty calls...I am off to put Maya to sleep.
Happy Purim!

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1 comment:

Efka said...

Always trying to be better mom, i try to be. Sorry to be a spyer