Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I, Struggle

The struggle withinImage by zawtowers via Flickr

I struggle.
All my life is a struggle, since I've known myself, I've been struggling to achieve, I've been fighting to win somebody over...
I don't know if I am a winner or a loser, I really forgot how is to feel like being on the top of the world. Lately, my battles are small, domestic ones as I struggle to come to an understanding: why am I here, what is the meaning of life?
I watch my baby girl as she struggles through life and I recognize myself so well in her daily battles. I wanted, just like her, to be a winner. With Maya is like this, you want her to do something, you make it a contest...I hope she will win her battles, at least the important ones. Well, for her, important today is to boss us around and to convince us to do her bidding...She is so strong - willed (not to say stubborn) that I am telling myself she'll achieve whatever she wants from people because she'll exasperate them until they'll give up. At lest, this is her main tactics nowadays.
I struggle. I fall. I get up and continue, and once again...is really that important to win our battles in life? It is that bad to be a loser?
Life is harsh...at least for people like me that has to survive from paycheck to paycheck month after month, since the day I left home and got married an got myself a kid. I am not afraid to battle for what I believe in. I am not afraid to lose. I am more afraid of this state of numbness, where I cannot find something worth fighting for, I am more afraid of me losing my drams, forgeting my aspirations. How do one keeps the flame within alive? What I have to do to shake myself and find me one good battle. I am done with chasing windmills. I want something real, I want to feel alive, to brush my cheeks against the wind of higher planes or the dust of some road, to feel elated, to feel defeated, it doesn't matter, just to feel something, damn it, TO FEEL!

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9 comments:

marieta said...

A trecut, nu mai bine...long time ago, mi-ai scris (si citez ca tin minte foarte bine scrisoarea ta,ce e comic e ca eram colege de banca si ne scriam)"Abba zice ca invingatorul ia totul si Hemingway ca invingatorul nu ia nimic, pe cine sa mai crezi?".Pai bine, dupa atatia ani n-ai ajuns la nici o concluzie?Nici eu.Dar eu zic sa tinem cu Abba(eventual eu cu blonda tu cu bruneta)

Maa said...

I struggled for many years too, so I sympathise with you. Big hugs!
You might like to look at this site and it may help you with making ends meet.

http://www.simplesavings.com.au/

Of course its an Australian site but money and budgets know no boundries. It has helped me over the last couple of years. Everyone is very supportive. Just a little warning....it's very addictive! You might even find that you have money left at the end of the week. Wouldn't that be a blessing?

Sue x

Aine Butler-Smith said...

"This too shall pass" It is difficult when our children are young as mothers to balance the mothering part of us, that is so all consuming with the part of us that is a woman with dreams and aspirations of her own. You can dream for yourself and be a mother as well, you may have to plan for future dreams that you can fulfill as Maya gets older and more dependent, sometimes we can't have it all at the same time, but in stages in our life, and children grow up fast.

Aine

Brent said...

Unfortunately the struggle is a big part of life. I don't think winners and losers matter much as we all end the same, it's the perseverance that i admire. Have you ever read "The Myth of Sisyphus" by Albert Camus. It's a short essay that deals with exactly that. It changed my life when I found it. Best to you!

angelguided said...

I hear you! I match this emotion of struggle in my blog today. When I feel really low I reach a point of surrender and this is when the Divine gives me a message of love and hope. We learn through the struggles of life, we can choose to follow the same roads we have already taken or take a new one, which may be just as difficult, but may have something of ourselves to find. Take care!

Lesa McMahon said...

I really enjoy your blog. I love your honesty and your willingness to be purely authentic here.

Beth Chapman said...

Friction has formed some of the most beautiful landscapes. This is a beautiful post and one that has gifted me reason to pause, reflect and hear my heart say thank you. May the wind in your face strengthen your back so you can stand tall and when blowing at your back may it teach you balance and knowing when to bend. And may you recognize the shadows beside you as those who keep you strong in their hearts. Thank you for such beautiful writing.

Lesa McMahon said...

I do understand your feelings all too well. I have had too many moments of feeling the exact same way but I have found that it serves me no good purpose to stay there and dwell on it or stew in it. I choose instead to move past it or around it to a place where I can focus on my blessings and my goals and dreams.

shannon i olson said...

People will have many opinions on why we are here. I believe we are here to glorify God. It is he who sustains us in bad times, and good times are a gift from him. Every breath we take is for his glory, the fact that life, so beautiful carries on is a tribute to his grace. In your struggles, when you grow, when you love the unlovely, when you cope with the uncopable, when you rest and trust in him, you glorify him. When life is ugly, we trust he will set things right in the end. Press on, learn the things of God and who he says he is in his word. Trust and rest that he is in control, and he has you in his hands.