Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Fragile and scared

I look around: this house is a disgrace, so dirty, so messy. Still, I wrap the sweater around me and sit on the sofa. I feel so bad, physically. Again. It started with my heart and then a budding panick attack. I try to breath and pray. Maya doesn't understand what I am going through so she continues to disobey me. We fight a lot, these days, as she tries to show me "who's the boss". I am tired of this game. Why it has to be a continuous war with her? "Don't want to" or "No" are her favourite expressions these days.

I am cold and I am afraid. I have to go and see a doctor. He'll send me to do tests, give me pills...Being there a few times in the past. Each time the same result: stress-related problems. The doctor sent me to a psychiatrist and she gave me anti-depressants. It didn't help, it really didn't. On the contrary, they gave me torturous insomnias.

How fragile is our body, our material package...How fragile...I am alone and afraid. I am looking at my daughter and pray to God. She needs me, I don't have other desire in life just to be with her, to see her growing up. To love her. I am surprised I have tears left.

I am alone and my fingers are frozen.

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I panicked as my heart was fluttering like a mad butterfly so I took Maya and we went to the nearest doctor's office. Of course, the office was closed and it'll open at 4 o'clock. That's my luck. I made an appointment and I just have to pray now I'll be able to get there in time, if at all.
I squeeze Maya's small fingers , my sweet baby. The only soul that gives me some solace, comfort.
I take her to the "Dollar Store" to offer her some reward for being well behaved at the office. She buys three soap packs , 5 pieces each, so we return home with 15 bars of soap to join the other aproximately 15 more we have at home. She's obsessed with those soap bars, no idea why.

I don't have any choice but to drag her with me, as there is nobody I could ask for help. Maybe one of my neighbours, but I feel better if she's with me, no matter what. I called my husband but he is tied up in meetings and he works in Tel Aviv, 45 minutes drive from here, when the trafic is clear. My son is at work, even farther away.
I am thinking of getting us some kind of bracelets, with emergency phone numbers or such, if something happens to me somebody should be able to contact my husband.

My poor tormented heart, the expression of an even more tormented soul...

7 comments:

shannon i olson said...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends understanding will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7 It requires faith in Christ and trust in him that all things will be ok. even awful scary things. Not always what we want, perhaps even at times the things we fear most. But God is faithful, he is in control of all things, especially those things we do not understand. It is only through that faith in him and his strength that we may rest. I have had a year and a half of Dr.'s and still no diagnosis, lots of tests, some pain and my dad was diagnosed with cancer the same time. It has been a year out of my control,.,., but in God's control. Love to you. Rest.

Alone in Holy Land said...

Thank you, Shannon.
I know that I have God by my side, it is what gives me strenght and the will to carry on.
I am sorry that you had a bad year, hope to hear only good news from now on...and
i hope everything will be fine with your dad,too.

Katherine Jenkins said...

I hope you are feeling better! Is there anyway you can organize a Writer's Group or a friend's group in your area and meet regularly (every two weeks or so?) Sometimes, when I am alone with only my thoughts and the computer, my mind takes over. It's good to have other people to listen and bounce things off of or take our mind off of things. I also think it would be good to have your own time, just for yourself. Is there any chance of this? Somehow? Sending you lots of love, Kathy

Hevel said...

:(

I wish I knew all the things about natural remedies that some of my friends know for stress relief...

Sharnanigans said...

Ramona maybe you should get SKYPE - have you heard of this? YOu just need a webcam and it is a program you can hook up so that you can actually TALK to your 'virtual friends' from anywhere in the world AND for free.
I am getting a camera soon. It is amazing technology I'd be happy to talk to you in this way.
You are worrying me. Please do not feel so alone, though we are a long geographic way away technology makes the world a smaller place. Get SKYPE and a camera and please believe in yourself and your friends and your daughter.

Alone in Holy Land said...

Firstly, thank you all for your kind words and concern. It makes my struggle easier...
Katherine, I wish I could have so many friends as to organize a kind of group...But I am definitely on with the :me" time.
Hevel, I forgot about it! I have an aquintance that knows a thing or two about natural remedies...I'll do some research, too.
Sharni, I am definitely working on the Skype thing. I had it on the old computer but it didn't work very well, now we have a new PC so it should work better.
Thank you all for your suggestions, I am working on them!

Shell said...

Sending prayers your way!