Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My Heart Went "Boom-Boom"

Reflection of a heartImage by Nganguyen via Flickr

I have this heart condition, some say it is psychosomatic, some say it is stress related. I have palpitations, my heart beats really quickly and then, from time to time, it skips a beat. I did all the tests, took pills (not any more), learned autogenic training to help me with the relaxation, sport, yoga...Everything helps a bit, and nothing really helps. After certain periods if I was under a lot of stress the palpitations return. Of course they scare me all the time, every time and I have panic attacks afterwards.
This time it happened because for almost two months we lived not knowing if Maya's brain is normal or not, before that she had the scarry seizures and before that she was sick, sick, sick, one illness after the other. So I am not exactly surprised that my heart doesn't cope well anymore. It was brave for such an extended period and it just signals me to STOP, STOP, STOP!
I know, of course I do...But how on Earth am I supposed to do that?
I am not happy, not deep inside my soul, I am not. The only things that keep me centered are my kids, the thought that they need me or maybe it is myself that I need them more...
I am too sensitive, I know that, too. I take everything to heart so no wonder it says it is time to stop putting so much weight on it.
I try to breath rhythmically, in and out, to calm the crazy "boom boom"...In and out, in and out...
Maya came and said to me "give me my paci, my love" and laid her curls on my lap.
I am scared but I think it is normal...I am babbling but I think that's because I'm scared and I think if I'll just keep writing, the time will pass and my husband will be home, because I am really scared that something will happen to me when I am at home alone with Maya...So if I write I have the sensation I am not alone and ...OK, that's enough.
I am going to find me some "ohm" and peace of mind and quiet to help heal my poor heart...
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