Monday, March 29, 2010

My Swan Song

Mermaid SyndromImage via Wikipedia

I am a profoundly unhappy person. It is true and I cannot help it. I try to walk through life counting my blessings and holding to everything I can, no matter how feeble, to help me get by. It is one step at a time, it is grudingly ...I am who I am. Of course I would've wanted to be another person, to live another life but I canot change the facts, no matter how much I try. So, instead of chasing the windmills I have to accept my fate. I know I made a lot of mistakes in life, at least I tried each and every time to go against fate and I failed and I have been paying since. No point to dwell in the past, though. It is done and finished. Now, I have to concentrate on the future. To take my unhappiness and twist it make it work for me the way happiness and contentment work for others. I will do it even if it will be the last thing I'm doing...

Of course I wanted to have a career, a loving husband, a supporting family and community, beauty, wealth and so on. But I don't have them. And what I had, I lost because of my naivete or stupidity.I have only my stuborness and my fantasy, my children, my books, my dreams and God. And my Armageddon, the last battle, my swan song, my writing. And these are the things I cling to with all my strength. Because they are only mine and their doing and un-doing depend only on me. No other.

So I'll take my feelings and my tears and my pain and weave them with the love for God and for my children and the outcome will me my making and only mine. And then I will be able to say "Nothing can hurt me now because I've been hurt so much I made my failure my armor and dissapoinment my sword".

My swan song, verses - my bitterness, melody - my loneliness. I take them all and disolve them in my being. I accept who I am and what I've done. And hold my head high...

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1 comment:

Tiffany said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog today. It's hard to tell the world the deep stuff.

I'm your newest follower.