Down to Earth

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In the morning, the sound of a quick rain outside made me open the windows wide, to let the fresh smell in. What I received in return for my grandiose gesture was the smell of fried onions, probably my neighbours breakfast.
Nothing poetic here, I'm afraid. So it is down to Earth for me on this one...

It Could Be Worse...Bumps and Thali

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You know me...no one optimistic bone in my body...so after my yesterday's post about Maya's sand filled shoes, today, surprise! She comes home from the kindergarten with a HUGE bump on her forehead. I thought I'll faint! She told me the same story the teacher's helper said, that she and another boy just run into each other and "kaboom", they slammed their foreheads like two rams...
Of course I broke in a sweat over the story but my baby, all israeliness from her beautiful blond curles to her toes kept telling me "Lo nora, Ima", that roughly translates "Don't worry, mommy"/"No harm done", it is an Israeli expression really. Just in case, I kept an eye on her all afternoon, but apart from running around like she always does...fingers crossed she's be fine.
And myself? Well, I tried to be a good girl and I have gone to the gym a couple of times this week. Tomorow I have the meeting with my dietitician (they tricked me into this one) and I haven't lost a gram the last two weeks. Who had time for diets when Maya was so sick? And this evening, my husband in an attempt to make me feel better bought me a huge thali -a vegetarian indian meal, absolutely delicious and worth about one million calories. So I just hope not to discover tomorow that I actually put on weight! Who cares...the food was good and Maya is asleep in her bed and tomorow I'll worry about such petty things as losing weight...

I Don't Believe It!

I know that I tend to exagerate when my kids are concerned. I know I want to much from society, from people. I know that Israeli kindergartens in cities that are on the coast have sand in their yards, and I know that because whenever Maya goes to the kindergarten she comes home with her hair and shoes full of sand. But the quantity of sand I found in her trainers today...it goes way beyond my comprehension. She's three years old, for God's sake! Does anybody check her shoes when they return from playing outside? Is it not enough that this week every single day when I went to pick her up I found her face full of snot and dirt? Was it such a chore to wipe her nose or to wash their face? They are small kids, somebody needs to keep an eye on them, to teach them how to do things. I tell Maya every morning what to do, how to behave. But still, she's little, she's to learn a lot and she forgets...

And I'm paying an awful lot of money for the darn thing...

Tired of Being Myself

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I am mad at myself...not exactly mad, I think dissapointed would be a better word. I mean, look at me! What exactly did I achieve in the last years, since I came to live in Israel? Nothing much, I am telling you. Tried this and that, tried to teach and after four years I quit because it was eating me alive. I worked do hard to get my degree, to finish my studies at the University. I was a single mother and had to work to sustain my family and I had to study and it was damn hard but I did it in the end. And now? All that effort for nothing? I am a staying at home mother with no prospects for the future. I mean, you don't need a University diploma to rise a child!
Oh God, I am so sick and tired of being myself! I cannot do anything right, I don't even know how to cook a decent meal, I spend way to much money (that I don't even earn), my house is a mess, I am a mess. I used to be a fighter, I used to be smart and funny and wore really short skirts and had great legs and had lots of fun working as a journalist and raising my son. And now? I can wear only one pair of jeans because the other clothes don't fit me any more, I don't know when was the last time I had my eyebrows plucked or my legs waxed, I cry to much, I eat too much junk food and I forgot how to laugh at a good joke.

And the sad thing is: I don't know how to change things, I don't know what to do, where to start...I tried so many times and I failed, so I gave up trying. Yes, I am ashamed of the person I become. How pathetic is that? On a second thought, I think I'll start knitting again. Who knows what could come out of such an adventurous enterprise...

It Is Only Me, Or...

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This morning I went to the clinic to have some blood tests done. There were loads of people in the waiting room (what's new?) so I had to wait for a while. I didn't mind, that way I had the time to put my thoughts in order and to organize my day. Finally, when I got in, the assistant/nurse or whatever this person that takes blood is called "welcomed" me with such a sore face that I looked for the lemon.... Nevermind. A rough night, a sick baby, money problems. After she finished, extracting what it seemed like many litres of blood, I got up (a bit dizzy) said thank you, good bye and have a nice day and got out. She looked at me like I was some creature from the outer space...and...that was it...not a word, some gesture of acknowledging my existence.I know everybody has problems (wanna see my list?). But a smile didn't hurt anybody. A smile, a nice word, especially when you work in health care, for God's sake. Sometimes a smile can make such a difference to a sick person...
Well, I think that sometimes I want to much from people...I'll just drink my coffee and keep my mouth shut..

Sometimes...Me

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Sometimes I laught (well, not as much as I would like, but still)
and sometimes I cry...
sometimes I am the wounded seagull on the hot roof top waiting for a cool wind.
sometimes I love
and sometimes I hate (well, I know it is not a positive feeling, but hey, I'm only human).
sometimes I am so alone I can count the number of my heartbeats
sometimes I am free
and sometimes I look throught the bars of my own helplessness
and sometimes I am whatever I want to be
a wild animal
a soothing rain
a sword vibrating
and sometimes I am so afraid
my body is cold and I curl inward to help the breathing

but as long as I maintain the equilibrium
I am the gatekeeper.

My First Award!

Yes, I received my first award, and I am really very happy. The award comes from a gorgeous lady whom I met through Facebook. Her name is Mesina and please visit her blog here:http://artisticallynuts.blogspot.com/. You won't be dissapointed, as she writes beautifully. What I always loved about Mesina's writing style is the way it flows, its easiness, its clarity. Writing comes so naturally to her.
Thank you Mesina!

Doing Nothing

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Everybody writes these days...I have a "few" blogs that I'm following and I simply cannot read fast enough as the folks keep posting and posting. Oh my, and I just sit and do nothing...well, almost nothing, as Maya is still sick and I am not feeling better myself. My mind is blank, no interesting ideas, no witty words. People are blogging, writing novels, reading towers of books, doing the NaNoWroMo (National Writing Month), writing book reviews...and I just sit here, hoping that Maya will fell better, so I'll be able to pick up my life where I left it and...

Rain

Image by law_keven via Flickr

Outside is raining like the end of the world is near, or maybe the flood. Maya and I are looking out the window, and she is trying to catch the big rain drops in her small fist. The wind blows directly into our faces. The fragrance of freshness hits my nostrils. I kiss my baby's cheek that smells like chocolate and mischief.

Running in Circles

Image by Raveesh Vyas via Flickr

My post on Saturday evening ended with the anticipation that I was going to enjoy reading...I did enjoy reading...3 pages, actually, because Maya had a very bad coughing fit and I spent Saturday to Sunday night holding her, walking through the house with her in my arms (when she's sick and in bad shape, she likes to be hold and walked), thinking about my poor pelvic floor...
On Sunday morning I took her to the doctor and since then, I have been a full time mommy and nurse, again. She has to have inhalations three times a day, I have to give her syrup twice a day, put ear - drops in her ears, eyes drops in her eyes (I am not kidding, she's got an ear infection AND conjunctivitis and bronchitis), feed her, play with her, try to cook and clean the house...so I am really glad I enjoyed my quiet moments while I could. The bad weather forces us to stay indoors, so it is pretty difficult for us, as Maya, even sick as she is, has lots of energy that needs to be "exhausted". In the evening, for example, she asked for some dance music and she danced like crazy for 15 minutes. I regret I didn't record her. Forgot, too tired...
So, although I had all kinds of great ideas for posts, I am so drained that I am not able to think much, so I'll just go and watch some bad TV and wait to recover...