Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday - But Not Today

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Not so long ago I discovered Shell's blog http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/, and she has this weekly meme on Wednesday - Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday. You just spill out everything that bothers you and then you go to link it on Shell's blog. Magistral idea! Well, I, like Shell, use my blog to write things I cannot say, to write about things that bother me. And oh boy, there are so many! The unlucky ones who read my blog could tell about my moaning and groaning and complaining and crying and so on. This blog helped me, really helped, ease the pressure I felt after living for ten years like an alien, in a different culture, in a place that didn't welcome me, alone, without any family or friends. In this blog I write about my daily struggle to come to terms with my karma... but not today. Today I am going to write about something HAPPY, for a change. I hope I will stand the challenge.
Again, the people that read my blog know that around the major Christian holidays I have a very hard time coping, and this year is was the same. I got very frustrated because it was impossible to find one chocolate Easter bunny or some chocolate eggs and so my daughter Maya was meant to have a bunny-less Easter. Of course, I came here and wrote about it, about my fruitless quest for the chocolatey treat for my baby...
And, the incredible happened! I discovered I have friends, people that care about me, even more, I made new friends with this occasion. Today, for example I received a huge envelope stuffed with Easter treats from Bogarantyú (http://bogarantyu.blogspot.com/), from Hungary! My long lost and found friend Marieta send me egg dye and a prayer bracelet from Romania and my former cleaner sent me a huge package with Easter goodies from America (she is there as a live-in nanny)! I am absolutely overwhelmed! This year Maya and I will have the best Easter ever! And this will be possible because of my friends! Isn't it fantastic? Their extraordinary gesture (more extraordinary from Bogarantyu, because she doesn't even know me as a real person, she knows only my blogging self) gives me hope, you know? Hope that not everything is lost in this world...That there is still love and compassion out there. I cried each and every time I went to the post office to take out the packages. The post-lady watched me in wonder, thinking God knows what...Who cares?
So, even if I have so many things to complain about, I am not going to do it today. Because today I just fell blessed and tonight, before going to bed I am going to tap into this well of positive energy that surrounds me and I will say the most sincere thank you prayer I said in a long time.
God bless you all, my not-so-distant friends! Even if you are at thousands kilometres distance from me, I can fell your love and concern and my heart beats now in the rhythm of cosmic togetherness we share...

I am linking this post to Shell's blog, please go and check it out!

My Swan Song

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I am a profoundly unhappy person. It is true and I cannot help it. I try to walk through life counting my blessings and holding to everything I can, no matter how feeble, to help me get by. It is one step at a time, it is grudingly ...I am who I am. Of course I would've wanted to be another person, to live another life but I canot change the facts, no matter how much I try. So, instead of chasing the windmills I have to accept my fate. I know I made a lot of mistakes in life, at least I tried each and every time to go against fate and I failed and I have been paying since. No point to dwell in the past, though. It is done and finished. Now, I have to concentrate on the future. To take my unhappiness and twist it make it work for me the way happiness and contentment work for others. I will do it even if it will be the last thing I'm doing...

Of course I wanted to have a career, a loving husband, a supporting family and community, beauty, wealth and so on. But I don't have them. And what I had, I lost because of my naivete or stupidity.I have only my stuborness and my fantasy, my children, my books, my dreams and God. And my Armageddon, the last battle, my swan song, my writing. And these are the things I cling to with all my strength. Because they are only mine and their doing and un-doing depend only on me. No other.

So I'll take my feelings and my tears and my pain and weave them with the love for God and for my children and the outcome will me my making and only mine. And then I will be able to say "Nothing can hurt me now because I've been hurt so much I made my failure my armor and dissapoinment my sword".

My swan song, verses - my bitterness, melody - my loneliness. I take them all and disolve them in my being. I accept who I am and what I've done. And hold my head high...

Just Cooling Down...Kinda Boring Post...

Gone and forgotten is my heart "condition" as poor daughter was a bit sick, again. Yes, I know, I know, I should change the record, it is getting boring. But what can I say? I'd give anything to write different posts, and not ones telling about my or Maya's ailments...
She started coughing on Wednesday night, coughing and vomiting. Luckily, we took her to the doctor's first thing in the morning and she received treatment and although continued with the cough, it wasn't that bad...
Anyway, we decided that if after the Passover break she's be sick again we'll take her out the kindergarten and that's it. It is ridiculous to pay full tuition every month when she's almost full time at home. And sincerely, I need a break from all this. She needs a break, poor kid...So, that's decided...
Tomorow is Passover here, in Israel. No bread or leaven for a week or so. I cannot eat the matza Jews eat instead of bread, as it causes me indigestion and it also has a million calories. So, we stocked out freezer with bread and pita bread for Maya, some pizza and stuff. And let the celebrations begin!
As today is a holy day for us Christians we'll just take is easy. Maya still has some healing to do and so do I, believe me, so do I...

Hag Sameah to all my Jewish friends!
Lots of love and sunshine...

Fragile and scared

I look around: this house is a disgrace, so dirty, so messy. Still, I wrap the sweater around me and sit on the sofa. I feel so bad, physically. Again. It started with my heart and then a budding panick attack. I try to breath and pray. Maya doesn't understand what I am going through so she continues to disobey me. We fight a lot, these days, as she tries to show me "who's the boss". I am tired of this game. Why it has to be a continuous war with her? "Don't want to" or "No" are her favourite expressions these days.

I am cold and I am afraid. I have to go and see a doctor. He'll send me to do tests, give me pills...Being there a few times in the past. Each time the same result: stress-related problems. The doctor sent me to a psychiatrist and she gave me anti-depressants. It didn't help, it really didn't. On the contrary, they gave me torturous insomnias.

How fragile is our body, our material package...How fragile...I am alone and afraid. I am looking at my daughter and pray to God. She needs me, I don't have other desire in life just to be with her, to see her growing up. To love her. I am surprised I have tears left.

I am alone and my fingers are frozen.

********************************************

I panicked as my heart was fluttering like a mad butterfly so I took Maya and we went to the nearest doctor's office. Of course, the office was closed and it'll open at 4 o'clock. That's my luck. I made an appointment and I just have to pray now I'll be able to get there in time, if at all.
I squeeze Maya's small fingers , my sweet baby. The only soul that gives me some solace, comfort.
I take her to the "Dollar Store" to offer her some reward for being well behaved at the office. She buys three soap packs , 5 pieces each, so we return home with 15 bars of soap to join the other aproximately 15 more we have at home. She's obsessed with those soap bars, no idea why.

I don't have any choice but to drag her with me, as there is nobody I could ask for help. Maybe one of my neighbours, but I feel better if she's with me, no matter what. I called my husband but he is tied up in meetings and he works in Tel Aviv, 45 minutes drive from here, when the trafic is clear. My son is at work, even farther away.
I am thinking of getting us some kind of bracelets, with emergency phone numbers or such, if something happens to me somebody should be able to contact my husband.

My poor tormented heart, the expression of an even more tormented soul...

Bedtime Stories - Maya's Version

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What can I say? Everything I am experiencing while raising Maya is absolutely different from what it was with my boy, 20 years ago. This comes, I think, first of all because they are very different - character and personality wise and also because, well, the world has been changing since the nineteen-nineties...
For example, whenever I am telling Maya a bedtime story she interrupts me all the time, adding her own commentaries and opinions about whatever happens in the story. It is very frustrating as it takes ages until I am able to finish the story...Yesterday evening, for example, I was telling her "Little Red Riding Hood" and actually she was unsually quiet until the Granny and Wolf scene.

Me: And the wolf jumped on the bed and swallowed grandma...
Maya: No, mummy, the wolf couldn't jump on the bed, he would've break it.
Another scene:
Me: And the wolf lied on the bed...
Maya: No, mummy, the bed was too small for the wolf.

Etc etc...
In the end:
Maya: I liked better the one where Granny is skying and bunjee-jumping...(we watched Hoodwinked yesterday and she liked it a lot).
Humpf...21st century kids...

I Need Some Sleeeeeeeeep

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I am so tired I could lie down this moment and sleep...sleep...sleep...Maya has been sick since Saturday morning (2 o'clock Saturday Morning) when we had a visit from the vomit monster, followed closely by the shit monster. In her great generosity MAya shared with us whatever virus she brougt home from the kindergarten and now both me and my husband and sick. I haven't been able to sleep for three nights, first because of my poor baby and now also because of me...
Maya is feeling better today but I am absolutely finished. Some half an hour ago I called my husband only to cry on the phone and to tell him that I had enough of this loneliness. Whenever I need help, like I do today, there is nodoby I could ask. Believe, I could kill now for at least an hour of sleep. I can barely type, my hands are shaking with weakness. But I wanted to share this witj somebody...there is no one to help me...I'll try to convince Maya to lie with me on the bed, but I'm afraid, naughty as she if, if I'll fall asllep...well, she could do anything.I am feverish with exhaustion and there is nobody to take the burden for a while...
Those of you who have friends and family in your life, keep them close and cherish them and forget to thank them once in a while. Because only when you're alone you understand how important they are...

I Am Still Here, Somewhere, Writing

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I don't exactly have a specific reason for blogging today. I just wanted to say that I am still here, but as some of you may know I finally opened that damned notebook and started writing. Haven't stopped since...I use every free minute I have (and believe me, I don't have that much) to write or to do research for my writing. What can I say? It just feels right. I haven't felt so good for a long time now, since my days as a journalist in Romania.
I didn't know this book I carried inside me hung so heavily over my soul, almost suffocating me. Now, that I'm letting it out, word by word, I feel light and free.
I feel like I'm coming home. Like I am doing what I am supposed to do. It fills and fulfills me.
I pray to God it will last until I'll squeeze every word, every sentence, every figure of speech out of my brain. And then some more.

A Quest - Finding the Easter Bunny

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As Easter is approaching quicker than I would wanted to, I find myself again facing the same problem: how to cope with the holidays?
Strangely enough, living in the Holy Land it is not a dream come true for a Christian. I am lucky I am not very religious, otherwise I would've had a hard time coping with the non existent holiday spirit. But this year I face a challenge, as I have to find at least one chocolate bunny for my daughter.
In winter, during Christmas time one candy shop here in Ashdod had a large number of bunnies exposed on shelves, but I didn't think to stock on them, surely they would be found in the shop during Easter, wouldn't they? Well, time proved I was wrong as the bunnies misteriously dissapeared from the shop. I looked in every sweets shop or Russian owned super market I could think of...but no Easter bunnies, not even one. I don't know if this has something to do with the orthodox side of Eastern that is "celebrated" here. And I don't think Orthodox Christians have something to do with bunnies. Also, Easter is perceived as a more religious holiday, in contrast with Christmas, which is more...commercial. So, I have no idea what I am going to do...My daughter doesn't know anything about the turmoil that savages my soul during holidays. For her, Christmas is when Santa brings presents and Easter when the bunny brings us beautiful colored eggs. And that's it. At least for now. And she'll be really sad if there will be no bunnies for her this year. Maybe I'll buy a real one? That would solve the problem for a few years to come...Just kidding, I am not for bunnies kept as pets...Maybe I'll draw her one, or invent some kind of story...Pathetic, isn't it?
Where is the Easter bunny hidding? If you'll see the bugger, tell him there is a nice girl in Israel waiting for a few chocolate eggs and some hope for a better world to come...

I Finally Found Myself

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It is Sunday evening already?!
Time flies, it realy does...I don't even know when I posted on the blog last time, as I've been all wrapped up in something else lately...
Well, I just put aside my superstitions and picked up the novel writing where I left it when Maya fell ill...And I have to say, my God, I've written this past days and I am still in full inspirational mode. So, until it'll last, I'll keep writing. I have also to do a lot of research for my book, being a former journalist and a damn perfectionist too I try to be as acurrate as possible when I state facts. It is hard work for me, believe me, because I am writing in English and English is not my native language. So, sometimes I have to stop and write down something in Romanian and then try to find the best translation in English. It usually happens with expressions, proverbs and such, things that don't have a "word by word" translation. But you know what? I am having a lot of fun! First of all, I am doing it for myself,to prove than I am able to do it. Secondly, I am a complete different person when I am in the process of writing, I am the real me. Because under the surface, inside my skin I carry with me two different personalities: the day by day one - mother, wife, friend, housekeeper, cleaner, cook etc and the writer one, the one that lives in another dimension, the spiritual one. And I cannot function only with my mundane personality, I need the other one to manifest itself, otherwise I am lost, not being complete...a sort of yin and yang dwelling inside my soul, interdependent and necessary.
And it doesn't matter how this venue will end, meanwhile the feeling is great. And that's important. Because I finally found myself...and I am not letting me go...

Loved and Lost

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So many things loved and lost

A drawer full of old photos and memories
So many things loved and lost
My childhood
with sweet smiles and blond curls
Adolescence in short skirts and crazy haircuts.
All the dogs, tongues lolling, tails wagging
fidelity and wet kisses
the flowers we used to gather in the summer
the magical woods, the sky so blue
seasons coming and going
each one with marvels and miracles
So many people that disapeared from my life
looking at me from above
visiting only in dreams
heart ache and longing

So many things loved and lost
never had the chance to cherish them
to thank them
to keep them close
not enough
and now they are all lost for ever.

Do I Look Like An Idiot? and I'm Going Frugal

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I know that sometimes the "polite" Israelis ask me if I am Maya's grandmother, so I am getting used to it. I was given all kind of "helpful" advice from "know it all mothers", I got bullied by tele-marketers and once the sales person from New Pharm gave the evil eye because I wasn't interested in the discountsthey offered.
I know now that Israelis pride themselves on being aggresive and assertive and I try to ignore their lack of manners. But sometimes they get on my nerves... Like when they try to trick you on buying low quality stuff or when they lie to you in the face. Like I have written all over my forehead "idiot". But let me exemplify.
As you know from reading one of my previous posts I got fascinated by the Montessori method of education and rather obsessive over findind a geoboard for Maya. Mission Impossible. But today, surprise! I found one (plastic, yuck) in a very shabby store in our neighbourhood. The problem was that the geoboard had several pegs missing (being made of plastic they are not very sturdy). When I pointed that to the shopkeeper, she told me they were "removed" intentionally, because that the way the board should be...Come on, I said, you can see they broke, that there was no "pattern" in the way they were missing from the board or something, and you could also see the place were the peg was, as they broke unevenly...
Do you think I convinced her? Oh, no! I was the village's idiot and she was the sage.
I got so frustrated and boiling with rage...What is wrong with you, people? I wanted to ask. Money, money, money that's all that is on their mind, I think...I hate cheaters and liars very much and that is I am receiving these days...And then I remembered that here in Israel they invented the co-operative living (in kibbutz) you know, where all people were equal. What happened to that dream? I think it sunk in the stormy waters of the capitalist world. I am a communist girl al heart, what do you want, I was born in Romania during the communist regime and I was 23 years old when Ceausescu, the Romanian dictator, fell, together with the communist regime. Anyway, I've decided I'm going trifty and frugal and living old style (by the way, there is a great forum on money saving and old ways here: http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.html?s=88a9b4cf547abfee1f58c88f07c54854&f=33) and I won't let any leeches suck my blood. Ditto!

Soul Saturday

This Saturday I've decided we had to get out! Out of the house, out of the city. The weather was good (not too hot, not too cold) so off we went, to spend a few hours with Mother Nature.
Our first stop was the Latrun Monastery. I am not going to bother you with the monastery's history and stuff, if you want to know about the monastery, just click the Wikipedia link, there is a very comprehensive article there. Some ten years ago, when I first visited Latrun I loved it because it was so quiet, so far from the noise of the city and the real life. Nowadays, the monastery has become a tourist attaction, as the monks make their own wine and olive oil. Every Saturday the place is so full that you can hardly park your car.
But, irrespective of this inconvenient, I was able to attend the last ten minutes or so of the mass and it was enough...The monks sing beautifully and I like to sit in the modest church and to face the statue of Virgin Mary, saying a prayer, being with myself and the Allmighty for a while. I like that my husband respects my faith and so he took Maya for a walk and I was able to focus on replenishing my spiritual batteries...And it felt so good!
Then, we went for a walk in the nearby Canada Forest and we had a great time, looking for flowers and studying the bugs, gathering branches and smelling the flowers. The air was filled with the perfume of the sun heated grass and I was able to block the man-produced noise and just fill my lungs and heart with the spirit of nature.
It was bliss and I returned home revigorated and happy. Maya was so tired she even napped for a short while in the car (something that happens only once in a blue moon with my Duracell baby-girl).
And now I will leave in the company of Paulo Coelho's wisdom. Check this out:

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• May we all be forgotten (paulocoelhoblog.com)

Oh, I Am So Shallow

Today I had a few hours for myself, as Maya was at the kindergarten. And what did I do?Well, firstly, I had a haircut, because I hadn't one in months and I wear my hair cropped short. Then, instead of coming home and engaging in some spiritual activities, do some soul searching ( I need this bit, I know it too well), I went shopping. Again. I am now a bit obsessed with the Montessori method of education so I went in a mision of searching for some ustensils that can be used for learning purposes. For example, I bought a pair of tongs from the Dollar store, they are used for sorting stuff (picking it up and putting it in containers according to specific instructions). I am actually very excited about all this Montesorri method and I spend a lot of time on the net looking for articles, books, materials, resources. The method is not very well known in Israel and I'll have to rely upon the internet a lot. I will probably do a lot of DIY because I am not sure I can find osme of the manipulative used, here in Israel. For example, I've wasted a lot of time trying to find the Hebrew translation of "geoboard" ( a math manipulative, very good for learning shapes, but not only) or some on-line shops for Montessori materials. No luck, so far and because my husband told me he won't be wasting his time with another project of mine, I'll take the matter in my own hands and do the damn board myself...

Of course, as a result of my shopping trip today I bought Maya some wooden toys, made in China, of course. One of the boxes caught my attention, as it has some "instructions" written in English (well, one can assume that the langage is indeed English). You can see it in the photo. How on Earth could someone type those words and print them on that box, it elludes me...It is beyond hilarious, it makes me sad...

Anyway, tomorow is Friday so here it is the week-end (already?). My dietetician convinced me to resume my appointments and there is a lot to do in the house...

But, until my next post...

"All is well in my house and heart" says Louise Hay, and so do I.

Retail Therapy in the Shouk

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As part of the "feeling good" plan I bestowed upon myself, I went to the weekly market (shouk) today.It is a great place to find cheap stuff and/or fruit and vegetables. It is noisy and colorful, it smells middle-eastern style (lots of greenery, olives and spices) and because you are looking left-right in search of bargains, you don't have time to think about anything serious, besides, "oh my gosh, that gorgeous cotton shirt, is it really only 10 shekels?" Of course I bought a lot of stuff for Maya - books, some board games and some wooden beads and blocks for sorting, so I was happy with what I found. The weather was nice even if a bit windy, the sea a light shade of bluish grey (a bit like Maya's eyes) and it felt good. There were two hours well spend. Oh, and I bought from an old Russian lady a boxfull of buttons for Maya to play with, for the sum of 5 shekels. I gave her ten and she thanked me profusely...All in all, it was a good, positive day.

"All is well in my heart and home" says Louise Hay, and so do I.

I Just Don't Know How To Relax! Any Ideas?

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After the scarry event of this afternoon (see previous post) I've decide I simply forgot HOW TO RELAX. It all happened after Maya was born, when the baby blues caught me and then it blew me off my feet transformed in a post-natal depression. I received medication for the depression at it didn't help, only made my insomnia worse. I stopped taking the pills and the whole process was a nightmare...even though I did it according to the doctor's "orders", it was very difficult. Anyway, what I want to say that being lost in all these battles (not to forget Maya's health problems) I forgot the most important aspect of all this: ME. I forgot to be me, I forgot to turn my inner eyes towards myself to do some inner-gazing, some soul searching...I forgot to relax, I forgot to breathe, just to be, to stop once in a while to enjoy the show. And what show it is!
So, I am going to set me some goals, some challenges. I know myself, it won't work otherwise. My goal are: To meditate each day for at least 15 minutes (in the beginning) and to return to my yoga mat. As a bonus, I may do some mummy-daughter yoga, as I have the "Yoga for Kids" DVD. Nothing more, nothing less. For now. Oh, as to learn how to bake cookies. This is something I never did, I have no idea why. I know how to cook or bake, but I never ever have baked cookies, I've no idea why.
If you have any other ideas, or you want to share what works for you when you relax, please share!

"All is well in my heart and home" says Louise Hay, and so do I.

My Heart Went "Boom-Boom"

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I have this heart condition, some say it is psychosomatic, some say it is stress related. I have palpitations, my heart beats really quickly and then, from time to time, it skips a beat. I did all the tests, took pills (not any more), learned autogenic training to help me with the relaxation, sport, yoga...Everything helps a bit, and nothing really helps. After certain periods if I was under a lot of stress the palpitations return. Of course they scare me all the time, every time and I have panic attacks afterwards.
This time it happened because for almost two months we lived not knowing if Maya's brain is normal or not, before that she had the scarry seizures and before that she was sick, sick, sick, one illness after the other. So I am not exactly surprised that my heart doesn't cope well anymore. It was brave for such an extended period and it just signals me to STOP, STOP, STOP!
I know, of course I do...But how on Earth am I supposed to do that?
I am not happy, not deep inside my soul, I am not. The only things that keep me centered are my kids, the thought that they need me or maybe it is myself that I need them more...
I am too sensitive, I know that, too. I take everything to heart so no wonder it says it is time to stop putting so much weight on it.
I try to breath rhythmically, in and out, to calm the crazy "boom boom"...In and out, in and out...
Maya came and said to me "give me my paci, my love" and laid her curls on my lap.
I am scared but I think it is normal...I am babbling but I think that's because I'm scared and I think if I'll just keep writing, the time will pass and my husband will be home, because I am really scared that something will happen to me when I am at home alone with Maya...So if I write I have the sensation I am not alone and ...OK, that's enough.
I am going to find me some "ohm" and peace of mind and quiet to help heal my poor heart...

My Gorgeousness

This absolutely beautiful picture of my daughter (says the unbiased mother) inspired me to write this:

Sleep my gorgeousness
sleep
lay you head on my tight
let me kiss your temple
and inhale your sweet scent

your heartbeat
be the gong that guides me out from the
cave of despair
sleep my gorgeousness
sleep
let me be the one that battles the shadows away

sleep my gorgeousness
sleep...

I Forgot About the 1st of March

Shame on me! I forgot all about the 1st of March...Back home in Romania, there is a very special holiday on this day, the "Martzishor". Wikipedia has a very comprehensive article about it here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C4%83r%C5%A3i%C5%9For

If you don't have the patience to read it all, here is an excerpt:

"The name Mărţişor is the diminutive of the name for March (Martie, in Romanian), and thus literally means "little" or "dear March". It is also the folk name for this month.
Mărţişor, marţ and mărţiguş are all names for the red and white (or black and white, also blue and white) string, from which usually a small decoration is tied, and which is offered by people on the 1st day of March[3]. Giving this Talisman to other people is an old custom, and it is believed that the one who wears the red and white string will be powerful and healthy for the year to come. It is also a symbol of the coming spring. Usually, women wear it pinned to their blouses for the first 12 days of this month, until other certain spring celebrations, or until the bloom of certain fruit-trees. In some regions, a gold or silver coin is hanged from the string, which they wear it around the neck. After wearing it for a certain period of time, they buy red wine and sweet cheese with the coin, according to the belief that their faces would remain beautiful and white as cheese, and rubicund as the red wine, for the entire year[4].
In modern times, the Mărţişor lost most of its talisman properties and became more of a symbol of friendship and love, appreciation and respect. The black threads were replaced with red, but the delicate wool ropes are still a ‘cottage industry’ among the country people. They still comb out the wool, dye the floss, and twist it into thousands of tassels. In certain areas the amulets are still made with black and white ropes, for warding off evil!"

When we were kids we used to show off the martzishors we recevied from boys, it was like a competition for the most popular girl or something...We used to give them to our teachers and all our female relatives and friends. I remember I used to have a very impressive collection...

I am a bit sad, really as nobody remembered to send me one. I have friends and relatives back in Romania, but apart from two "virtual" martzishors...nobody ever bothers. Well, maybe they think it is not important. Or maybe they don't think at all. Never mind, though. I found some nice coloring pages and I am going to tell Maya all about the tradition.

(As you can see, I've put some pictures that are relevant for this tradition. I've taken them from here:

http://andreea02.wordpress.com/2008/03/02/femeile-si-martisorul/

http://andreir.wordpress.com/2009/03/01/la-multi-ani-de-1-martie-2009
http://travelromania.tripod.com/i_romaniapictures3b_1.htm

Thank you guys!)

Happy 1st of March to everybody who celebrates it!