Happy Birthday, My Son!

My son is 24 years old today...My gosh, did the time fly or what? I remember, as if it was yesterday, a very cold winter morning (minus 20 degrees Celsius) in Ceausescu's Romania when my boy came into this world...His childhood was very different from my daughter's. Living in a country that went through a Revolution to get rid of an anachronic regime wasn't very easy. And I was 21, naive and without experience, only with a great desire to do something in life...I raised him by myself mostly, alone, in a city that become my home, our home while struggling to make a living, a a career, to finish my studies. It wasn't easy but we had a great time and I enjoyed raising him...he is now a man with his own life, dreams and aspirations but still my baby boy with big eyes and a sweet smile...

I love you, my son and may life be gentle with you as a mother's touch...

A Difficult Task and an Award

Tony Anders from http://artisanofthehumanspirit.blogspot.com/ passed me an interesting award (thank you, Tony, I love the new "face" of your blog) , the "Honest Scrap" one. The catch is that you have to write ten things that few or no people know about you...The truth is I've been thinking about thi post since I received the award... I am the type of person that sometimes has a storm inside and nobody from the outside ever it.

So, it is like this:

1. People often think I am this curageous, outspoken woman but the truth is, inside I am just a scared little girl. And I don't think there are more than one or two people that know this...

2. I hate old people. To be more specific, I hate old men. My uncle abused me when I was only a little girl and until this day when I see an old man I just keep my distance...I remember that a few days ago in the post office an old man, the creepy type, sat near Maya and I just felt inside me a tidal wave of hate and nausea and I snatched my baby from her seat and hold her tight... She looked at me with her inquiring blue eyes , but said nothing, I think she felt the crazy rythm of my heart...

3. When I was a teenager, I dreamt of being a movie director...

4. Consequently, I lived in a world where actors and plays where the main thing so I fell in love with a young aspiring actor. Today he is an actor in Romania, I even saw him in a movie...

5. Being in love with the aforementioned guy, I stole his door mat. Don't ask me why, it was a dare that I had to do to prove that I loved him...

6. I dream of living on a small island ( I am serious, I would love to...)

7. I pray each night before going to bed. I have been praying like this since childhood. Here. I said it. This is something that nobody jnew...well, until now, that is...

8. I am convinced in one of my previous lives I lived in India. And in another one, here in Israel.

9. I would love to have lots of money, to help other people and to build a sanctuary for abandoned animals. This one is not such a big secret, but still...

10. I always wanted lots of kids. I used to have this dream: me, on a beach somewhere, together with four or five kids, playing and laughing...

The second part of this award/tag is to pick seven blogs to pass on the award to. Hmmm...I am passing on this award to:

1. Hevel Cohen from http://www.my3jewishboys.info/. Hevel is an old friend of mine and even though I don't know him personally, we share a special bond (or at least I hope so). Hevel is the "one of a kind" type of guy and I glad I know him.

2.The fantastic Sari from http://www.sarifarrell.com/. I've started reading her blog only some time ago, but I love and respect her for the way she lives her life...

3. Ottavia from http://www.idontlikemama.com/. A new friend of mine, I've met her through Facebook and I am glad I did...

4. Queenie the Bee from http://bumblebeejuice.blogspot.com/. Such a sweet blog, such a sweet lady!

5. Geanina from http://geaninalisandru.wordpress.com/. If you know Romanian, please visit her blog! She writes absolutely fantastic...her love poems always make my skin tingle...

6.Strawberry Ann from http://strawberryanns.blogspot.com/. Ann lives in Sweden and blogs about her family life. She is new at blogging but I really like her posts and she's oh, so creative!

7. Simcha, my fellow book lover from http://blog.42scifi-fantasy.com/, another good friend. And although Simcha blogs mainly about books, maybe it is time to read something more personal on her blog...

That's it...done it...

Now, a few updates: I am down with a bad case of flu, so we had to postpone Maya's EEG for next week (we had an appointment for tomorrow, but I am feeling so unwell I wouldn't make it). Poor Maya has cabin fever I am not a big help, I jus want to crawl into bed and sleep this flu off, instead I am playing with dolls and having a huge headache...

Thank God it's Thursday!

Image via Wikipedia

Yesterday we didn't have an internet connection, that's the explanation behind my silence. As you know, yesterday Maya had an MRI scan and all I can say is that I am grateful that today is Thursday and I can look back at "yesterday" and be glad it is over. It was very difficult for my baby, she had to fast for 6 hours before the scan, that meant no food and no drinks, no water from 8 o'clock in the morning...But she was so brave and well behaved...The most difficult moments were the ones after the scan, when she woke up from the anesthesia, she wasn't feeling well, she cried a lot...but we were there for her and we hold her and after half an hour she was taking small sips of water and after an hour she was running up and down the hospital halls...
One down...two more to go...Next week Maya is having an EEG and then with all the results we have to go to see the neorologist...the appointment is for the 22nd of February, so still a long time for me to wait and to worry...
I try not to think about it, at least not until we'll know for sure what the problem is. Then, at least, if there will be a problem of some kind, we'll be able to do something about it. I simply hate not being able to act, just to wait, wait, wait...
At least now she is at home with me and she's feeling fine, she is back at being happy, and playful and curious and unstoppable, in general. And as stubborn as a mule...
And myself? Trying not to think negative thoughts, reading to keep my mind busy and being a mother, that is what I am doing these days. I hope everything will settle back in a while because I am not able to write real writing, just this babble of some sorts. I am still confused from all that happened and I just lost my muse somewhere in the whirpools of events that swept me off my feet...

Not So Many Words

Today I am not going to write an actual post. I am going to share with you some pictures...Maya is feeling better and I am enjoying my time with her...Actually, she's back to her favourite posture - on her head, and that means something...You can also see some Sponge Bob crafting that we've done lately...

Wednesday Maya is going to have her MRI scan. Needless so say I am scared stiff...Please mention my baby in your prayers...

A Question of Perspective

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Here, in Israel, I don't really like the city I live in - Ashdod. Although a big and modern city, it lacks the Middle Eastern personality Tel Aviv has, for example...But because here housing is cheaper, we're stuck in it. For now, at least..
I used to complain, a lot, about the city...About the neighbourhood, people, you name it...But, know in the light of the recent events, I think it is only a question of perspective. When we were in the hospital with Maya we had to share a toilet with...I don't exactly know how many, but a lot of people, the shower room didn't have a lock so I had to shower in my underwear. In Israel, the southern you go, the poorer the people ,with a lot of unemployment, no higher education, a lot of shouting. I had to witness hysterical parents that almost lynched the nurses and doctors in the hospital (I agreed with the parents, but still, I wouldn't shout "I am going to kill somebody" even though I wanted to)...We shared a room with 5 sick kids and their parents, the door wouldn't close and so on...So, when we returned home, it was...bliss. My own toilet! Actually, we have two! I took a hot bubble bath and I slept in out bed, with clean, nice smelling sheets.
I am not complaining anymore...I am thankful for what I have... But that doesn't mean I won't move into another town in a couple of years. For now, I'm cool...

Run, Run As Fast As You Can

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The Gingerbread Man story is one of Maya's favourites. She likes the short poem and these days whenever I feel trapped in this hamster wheel I remember them...I would like to run for a while...but, paranoic as I am, I prefer to stay indoors with my baby. They doctor said that for her MRI scan Maya has to be healthy, and because she's been sneezing a lot and has a snotty nose, I am afraid to take her outside or to go see people, go anywhere. I have to protect her. I am raving mad, right, but the guilt complex is well settled inside my consciousness and of course I'm blaming myself for what happened with my sweet baby. You know the "what if" game , it is what is going on and on in my head...So, run, run as fast as you can...

As I said before, to keep myself "busy" at night and to stay nightmare free, I am reading. I started in the hospital with Laurell Hamilton's Anita Blake series...I remember one specific night when in the same room with us there were 5 more sick babies, each and every one under one year old, and they were screaming and crying and Maya fell asleep exhausted after asking a million times what is wrong with the babies, mummy, but if you'd asked me in the morning what I'd read...no idea...my brain was so wired up that I hadn't the slighest idea what was the book about. I am going to make it right and re-read the book soon...I also read Lili St Crow's Strange Angels, the second book in the series, and the latest Marian Keyes- "The brightest Star in The Sky" - absolutely sweet, and Linda Lael Miller and Wendy Wasserstein's Elements of Style (loved it) and started a few more books and put them aside after a few pages...

Today Maya asked me: "Mummy, why do you have a sad smile?"
What is the answer to this question, I'm asking you?
So, run, run as fast as you can...

About Random Acts of Kindness

I always say that if you can do some good in life, just do it. If not, leave the people alone and go hide somewhere...I also think that if you do some good deeds, do them for yourself, for the others, just don't do them for the reward that you think it'll come from this...Because anyway, the Universe has this strange law that says everything comes back to you threefold, so you'd better pay attention...

I was really blessed lately, blessed to have people in my life that helped me when I needed it most, like my good friend Liviu Greenfeld, that helped us enourmously with Maya in the hospital, talking to the right people, being by our side when we were lost among doctors and tests. We also met a fantastic lady, a religious one that helped us to get Maya's MRI scan appointment as soon as possible, and she didn't even know us...she kept saying that she'll do everything she could for our baby, and I am so grateful for it. Thank you, Rahel...

Sometimes a nice word, a smile can make a huge difference, especially when you cling to them because your soul is embraced by darkness...

I also received an award from Katherine Jenkins, you know her from my blog posts. She is a special person and her blog is an inspiration for me and for many others. Please take your time and visit her blog and you won't be dissapointed - http://lessonsfromthemonkimarried.blogspot.com/ Usually, after I read her posts I am simply amazed how wise she can be, like she has lived a thousand lifes before...

So I was the receptacle of some acts of kindness lately and I thank God for sending them to me. He knows I needed them, that I needed some hope, a luminous point in my despair...Thank you God, thank you, beautiful people!

Sponge Bob Saves the Day

Image via Wikipedia

In between phone calls to hospitals and doctors' offices and appointments I have to keep an eye on Maya...a thousand eyes, to be exact...She is feeling better, thank God and I must keep her busy, as she cannot go to the kindergarten until she'll have her MRI scan, because one has to be 100% healthy for the scan. And after such an effort to find her a date for the scan, I don't want to take any chances...
So, for now, I gave up anything that was going on in my life and I am being a mother, or "imaaaa" as Maya usually shouts. I sort of homeschool her, as we play and learn and I must say we have a lot of fun together...It is OK, as it keeps my mind off things beecause I just don't want to think too much these days. I try to take one day at a time, to wait for every appointment although when the night comes, I have to ingest a huge quantity of literature and to read myself directly to sleep. It is the only way to keep me away from nightmares. This and Sponge Bob. As Maya is a huge fan we tend to watch a lot of episodes so last night I had a nice dream with him, Patrick and the Bikini Bottom gang...and on this happy note I am leaving for today, as I don't have a lot to say...I am still recovering from what we've been through and I think it will take a while...

Finally, Some Updates

Image by Lutz-R. Frank via Flickr

Although we came home from the hospital on Friday afternoon (yes, we were in the hospital with Maya for three and a half days) I simply couldn't approach the PC, couldn't sit down to write more that a few short e-mails. I know that by avoiding to write on my blog I am avoiding to think about what happened to us, what happened to my sweet baby...Well, today I am not going to write much, it is still difficult for me to remember, but I promise to come back and write more often, now that we are at home...


First of all, I want to thank you all, my virtual friends and fellow bloggers, for your concern, your heartwarming words, you emails. It is such a confort to me to feel you all by my side!


As for what happened...we still don't know exactly what happened, or what caused it. What we do know is that Maya was admited in the hospital after an episode of seizures, that she was badly dehydrated and suffering from gastroenteritis (atrocious tummy ache, she was screaming in pain) caused by the Rota virus. She received rehydration minerals through her vein, they did a lot of tests, including an EEG and CT scan. The doctors still don't know exactly what caused the seizures, they said it could be the virus and the minerals' imbalance caused by dehydration. What nobody says is that I took her to the ER a day before this happened and they sent us home, saying that she has gastroenteritis but, no big deal...The other problem is they found some malformed veins in her right side of the brain and now she has to have a MRI, another EEG in two weeks ( the EEG showed some abnormal something in the same place, the right side of her brain) and with all this we have to see the neurologist in a month's time...


I am going to keep it all "medical" today, because I don't want to remember all the events before and during her hospitalization, but sometime soon I am going to share with you the things that we saw and witness in the hospital...And I think I won't be able to watch a medical drama ever again in my life...because nice nurses and smiling doctors and all that you see on TV it isn't real. Not in a regular hospital in the south of Israel...


But now I am not complaining...Maya is feeling better, she is eating like there is no tomorrow...She was so sweet in the hospital, after she starved for some days, her first meal was the usual rice and schnitzel (escalope for my British readers) and after the first bite she said:"Mmmmm...what a delicious food..." I am keeping her at home until she'll have all her MRIs and EEGs because she needs to be healthy and strong for them. We are having a great time at home, and I pray to God, asking Him to protect and to keep my baby safe...


And myself...I am trying very hard to learn my lessons, and oh boy, there are a few to learn!

That is all for today...I'll be back soon as I try to figure out this stuff that is happening in my life...

Just a Quick Note

I am posting this quick note just to let you know that Maya is quite sick, so I'm taking a few days off blogging to take care of her.
Thank you all for your support, I love you and please pray for my sweet baby...

I Think I Am Falling Apart

Image by onkel_wart via Flickr

I know what are you going to say after reading my title."Oh, here she goes again, moaning and crying and ranting...Doesn't she have anything nice and positive to write about?"
I am sorry, I am really sorry I have been such a nuissance for my readers, lately. But, this is my life, these are my thoughts and feelings, this is my struggle...I am grateful to you all for reading my blog and being supportive...I couldn't have don it without you. And believe me, I am the first wanting my life back on track...So, what happened again?
My daughter is sick AGAIN. During the last month and beginning of this month she has been sick almost all the time. She has had a ton of antibiotics and fever reducing medication and drops for ears and nasal spray and gel and cough syrup...For the last 8 days she was on antibiotics, I kept her home for a week and after two weeks in the kindergarten...she has a stomach bug! Started vomiting Sunday morning at 1 o'clock, followed my diarrhea and fever...She didn't eat or drink, she threw up the rehydration liquid I tried to give her and she cries that her tummy hurts...We took her to the doctor's, of course we did, but there wasn't much she could do...
I cannot take it anymore! I feel I cannot cope with this...I am simply falling apart and there is nothing to keep me together...I know I am strong enough, I know I am a poor imitation of a mother, but I want my healthy baby back! Every time she was sick I told myself I that I am not going to sendd her anymore to the kindergarten, but she likes it there, she has friends and they play and she likes to boss everybody around and she's happy. What can I do? I gave her vitamins, probiotics, I taught her to wash her hands after going to the toilet and before meals, I tried my best and I failed, I failed, failed. And she is the one that suffers. And I am absolutely helpless, and it's tearing me apart...
God, please, put your hand on my heart to keep it beating...I have no tears left, I am an empty container for my pain...
I am sorry...

Walking Towards the End of the World...

Image by pfv. via Flickr

On Saturday evenings I have a private student that lives pretty far from me. So, when the weather is right, I prefer to walk to her house. That's me, health conscious until the end. Today the weather was summery, so I took my backpack, plugged my earphones and with the music literally blasting my eardrums, off I went.
The road went parallel with the sea shore, the air was crisp, my legs walked on the rhytm of the music and even my heart wake up with a jolt and started beating in the cadence of the songs. The sky was crazy with colors, as the sun just set, from faded, dusty orange to blood red and purple and nameless shades of blue, all melting into the inky blue of the evening.
I felt I could go like that for ever. Loud music in my ears, my steps, one after another...I could walk until the end of the World and then let myself fall into the Nothingness...

Trapped

Image by Keith Park via Flickr

I don't like/want to write here about matters that concern my married life. I can rant about myself/motherhood/my children but I told myself I will never ever write about any problems that I would have in my marriage. Because it would be like, I don't know, telling of, gossiping, I don't really want to get there.
But today I feel so dissapointed and hurt I can almost feel the pain physically. We had a huge row, me and my husband and I realized how foolish I have been, thinking, hoping that people can change, things can get better. Everything is just such a big sham and I was too naive to think that knights on white horses do exist and that the road to eternal love is paved with red roses. Too many romantic novels, I guess.
But it hurts, the thought of having to accept , finally, that I was wrong it hurts more than the mistake itself.
I know it all sounds complicated and I don't want to explain anything. I''ll just stay here, eyes wide open to nothingness, feeling trapped.
Have you ever been so sad and hurt that you felt your body being so fragile, of a glass like consistency, and you had to lay down and wrap your arm around you to protect yourself from breaking in a million pieces? This is how I fell right now. Breakable, oh so breakable...

Lost in Motherhood

Image by paterjt via Flickr

Some time ago, I was a (almost) normal person. Went to work, enjoyed imensely my job, raised one kid, went out with friends, this kind of thing. I used to go to the hairdaresser's, got my nails done, I used to buy nice clothes and I even went to the gym...Life was (almost) good.
Then, I got remarried and left Romania for Israel. And lost myself, never to find me again.
After a few very strange years, when I tried hard to accomodate myself to a new life in a strange land, worked in a profession that made me sick and became more and more confused, my daughter came along. I remember the first hour after she was born, they wrapped her up in some battered blanket and her father hold her...she was looking with her eyes wide open, as if to take everything in, quiet and amazed...I was so happy and scared I cried for a couple of days as I watched my baby sleep. Then along came the depression and I fought it with all my heart but I just couldn't win. It was a terrible period of my life...Things got a little better and I was able to throw into the bin the antidepressants they gave me. And now I am back at square one. I don't know who I am anymore. Lost in motherhood, without a life of my own, totally depending on my husband for food and shelter, taking up silly hobbies to give myself the illusion I am doing something useful, I am so unhappy sometimes I am ashamed to say it. I know I should be grateful for a lot of things in my life...But I don't think it functions this way... Of course I am grateful for what God gave me, for the husband that provides, but what about me? What am I giving myself to the thankful for? It sounds confusing, and confused I am right now. But I know that until I am not going to do something to prove myself I am still able to do it, life will never be...my own.

What Makes Me Happy

Image by pimousse3000 via Flickr

My friend Hevel from http://www.my3jewishboys.info/2010/01/happy-10.html tagged me to share with you 10 things that make me happy. Then, I have to tag 10 people myself...
First of all, the 10 things:
1. Spending time with my family/friends. I love when all the members of our family are together and I love when we have guests for dinner. I like to decorate the house and the table and I enjoy myself immensely
2. Spending time with my daughter, Maya. Because my son was 20 years old when I had Maya, I'd forgotten about the joys of raising a child. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to be a mother again (for my 24 years old son I am just an annoying thing that interferes with his sleep).
3. Visiting my homeland, Romania. I miss the place where I was born and when I am there, I simply bash in the happines of being at home...
4. Reading a good book. I love reading and good books help me cope with reality.
4. Writing. I also love to write and because quiet times in a house with a 3 1/2 years old are a rarity, I treasure the moments and make them count.
5. Walking in the clear and fresh air of an autumn/spring morning. Because I live in a subtropical climate now and I come from a moderate one, I am not very fond of the long and hot Israeli summer...
6. Going away, being somewhere nice with my husband and daughter, without having to clean, cook, wash dishes etc...
7. Pampering myself with a massage or reflexology session.
8. Eating something tasty...
9. Giving and receiving gifts.
10. Doing "homey" things like knitting, sewing.I was rubbish at them and I am glad I am slowly improving...
and much more other things...

The second part...hmmm...I am not sure that people actually read my blog, anyway...:
1. Simcha from http://blog.42scifi-fantasy.com/
2. Larissa from http://www.larissaslife.com/2010/01/lalas-book-corner-hallowed-circle-by.html
3. Geanina from http://geaninacodita.blogspot.com/2010/01/gandurile-mele.html
4. Elisabeth from http://www.blestatheist.com/2010/01/2010-new-beginning.html
5. Sharni from http://chroniclesofsharnia-sharnanigans.blogspot.com/
6. Dana from http://danasb.blogspot.com/2010/01/aperitive-pt-ocazii-festive.html
7. Zorin from http://ifreemedia.blogspot.com/2010/01/iarna-s-razgandit.html
8. Marilyn from http://thelotussutrachronicles.blogspot.com/2010/01/happy-2010.html
9. Ronit from http://internationalgiveaways.blogspot.com/
10.J. Kaye from http://j-kaye-book-blog.blogspot.com/
That's it...
and an update on Maya. Thank God, she is feeling better!

Fantastic Giveaway!

Image by ~ Phil Moore via Flickr

Since I've started blogging, I've become accustomed to the world of giveaways. And of course, whenever I have the oportunity, I participate. Not all giveaways are for persons living outside US, but when I see one...
Stephanie from Misfit Salon has a fantastic giveaway. Although it doesn't say if it is open worldwide, take a peek here:
http://misfitsalon.blogspot.com/2010/01/ginormous-giveaway.html
And I'm off to sign myself in...

The Nights From Hell

Image by pasotraspaso via Flickr

Well, after all the shine and cheer of the last day of 2009, New Year resolutions and greetings, hope for world peace and stuff like this I'm back on Earth...Maya is sick again...It started on the 31st of December, after we returned from her godparents (we weren't able to stay unti lmidnight, we were home by 10 o'clock) with a high fever...Then, yesterday evening we started again our saga of ER, blood count, antibiotics, Nurofen, warm baths...I am drained...Three weeks ago, we went through the same routine...Since she started kindergarten, we are in this turnabout of sickness and health, good days and bad days and I feel dizzy... What I do mainly is being a mother, nursing Maya to health, and I think I simply forgot to be me, my own person...I don't remember when I had the time to do something that I enjoy...everything I manage to do for myself is stealing here and there a few moments of peace and quiet. I am glad that at least I am able to be alone when I go to the toilet, until not so long ago Maya insisted on accompanying me. I've been trying to meet a friend for months now and I couldn't find he time to do it, as we've spent almost every week-end in the ER. You know that usualy kids are sick at night, in week-ends and holidays...
I am not saying that I don't enjoy being a mum for my daughter...No way! I love her deeply and I am enjoying every moment of being with her...It is just sometimes I want to be ME, ME, ME, I want to define myself through my personal aspirations and hopes, to see myself through my own eyes. But I guess this is my life and I have to get used to it...
I am so tired and alone, my shoulders ache from the burden I have to carry.I wait for the numbness of my senses like a monk waits for God's blessing...