Thursday, August 20, 2009

Waiting for Tomorow

::A woman has strength that amazes men::Image by » Zitona « via Flickr

I am EXHAUSTED. Purely and utterly exhausted. I think that there could be two explanations for this state of mine: one, I suffer from some disease that sucks all my energy away, leaving me dry and powerless and two, I JUST NEED A BREAK, a holiday, a day off, something! I am on duty for some time, damn it! Since Maya was born, I've never left the premises alone but one time, when I had to travel to Romania for five days, to solve some problems related to the "proprieties" that we have there. Five days, and I had such problems with my conscience I didn't want to call back home, for fear that I'd heard some bad news...They were fine, and when I returned, I found a haunted looking husband, for five days he had to carry Maya in his arms, because she refused point blank the pram or to walk. For five days he fed Maya the same food, because she kept asking for it (and he was afraid she'd refuse anything else), I think it was mango and tofu cubes or such, also he accidentaly spilled his coffee on our sofa in the living room, sat on it afterwards and went out with a huge coffee stain on his bottom...things like that. But I found them in good health and happy...but I never left afterwards. So I am finished, tired, exhausted by living every day the same scenario - more or less, for not having the time to properly sit and put my thoughts in order, for spending my nights trying to find myself, lost in my monotone life...
Am I a bad mother by saying that I cannot wait for Maya to start kindergarten, because I really, really need some time for myself? I love her dearly, and I enjoy imensely my time with her, but I am afraid that I am transforming into someone else I don't like...I want to add new meanings, new connotations to my life. I cannot be only mother and wife from now on to the grave. I don't want to crawl through a meaningless existence, I have too many plans and somewhere, deep, buried under bills, recipes, visits to the doctor and endless shopping lists lays my true soul, the soul of a fighter, the soul of a journalist, dare I say the soul of a writer...
I am exhausted and a bit afraid for what the future holds for us, afraid to let my baby unfold her wings, afraid. So maybe I'll just turn off the computer for now and go lay beside my husband and daughter...tomorow a brand new day awaits...And who knows, maybe tomorow will be the day...

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5 comments:

Zorin said...

It's no point being afraid of tomorrow; it comes anyway.

Hevel said...

Is she starting gan next week?

You know, running on empty will take you just so far. Everyone needs time to recharge.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

No, you are not a bad mother for saying what every mother thinks at times. And you are not a bad mother for needing rest from your child. It is how mothers re-energize. I hope you will be able to find some time for yourself BEFORE your young'un heads off for kindergarten so that you don't putter out while waiting for the steam to come.

Alone in Holy Land said...

Thank you very much for your comments!
It is really hard for me, on one side, to run on empty, as Hevel says, and on the other side to let her go to the kindergarten. Yes, Hevel, my bubaleh goes to the gan on the 1st of September...

Hevel said...

Oooh, I hope Maya will love Gan as much as my kids did! The twins are starting school on the same day.