I am Sorry, I am Not in The Mood

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My daughter is still unwell, so I am sorry folks, but I am not in the mood for blogging. I love you all and I know at least some of you are waiting for updates so I'll be short. The doctor still doesn't know what is the problem with Maya...In the beginning she thought it was tonsillitis (she and two other doctors from the ER) but after a mysterious rash appeared on her body, her pediatrician said it could be a reaction to antibiotics or mononucleosis. She changed her medication and now we're waiting...yeah, the thing that us mothers love the most, to wait for others to tell us what's wrong with our kids...Well, she doesn't have a fever, and that's good, but she's...not herself...and I am so frustrated it eats me from inside...
And myself? I am so tired and stressed out that today, when I was preparing myself a fortifying cup of coffee I forgot to put the coffee in the coffee machine. In the beginning I didn't realize why the supposed coffee was so transparent, could you believe that? It took me some time to finaly understand what the problem was...
On the bright side, we have a new family member! A cat! It is a girl cat and her name is Dasha (her previous owner was Russian) and she is a Maine coon breed, absolutely gorgeous...When things will get back on track, I promise to post some pictures....
Thank you for your comments, e-mails and phone calls. I love you all and please think about us...

A Night to Remember

My tongue is coated in some nasty stuff, because since yesterday morning I've been on a diet that was exclusively...coffee. I didn't get any sleep last night and I am so tired now my fingers are trembling...
Maya started to feel unwell yesterday but that was only the beginning...as at night we visited twice the ER, and before that, in the afternoon, her pediatrician. She had very high fever that wouldn't go down, she threw up, had diarheea, complained of headaches, throat and ear ache...do you want me to continue? It seems that she has a very bad case on tonsilitis. She's on antibiotics now and we try to keep her hydrated and pain and fever "free".

This is for now, I'll be back as soon as I'll have somthing new. Meanwhile, please pray for my sweet daughter! Thank you!

Anyone to Lend Me a Shoulder to Cry on?

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Today I am going to moan BIG TIME, so please bear with me...My sweet daughter is sick again. I tried to protect her as much as possible, but with so many sick kids at the kindergarten and horrendous hygiene it was only a matter of time until she got sick again.
After the health problems she had back in January, I thought a lot whether to send her to the kindergarten or not. I chose a compromise, meaning 3 days per week at the kindergarten, the rest at home. Even with this arrangement, she was still mostly at home, on account of being sick...I really don't know what to say, what to do....
Not that she learns anything there...I'm sending her because of the company - she loves being with kids her age, and because she learns Hebrew. Apart from that...I was surprised, in a bad way, that they didn't learn anything about Earth Day...I know the accent is put on tradition and religion (even if the kindergarten is a secular-state owned one) and that's OK with me. But I would've want the kids to be taught other things, as well. Earth Day is an important day and it should be treated accordingly. Of course, Maya and I talked about it. The beginning of the conversation went like this:

Me: Maya, do you know what day is Today? It is Earth Day!
Maya: No, mummy. Today is Thursday!

See what I mean? Afterwards we talked about it and at 8 o'clock in the evening we turned off the lights, even if Ashdod (the city where we live) didn't participate in the national celebrations....We watched on TV the backwards counting and how Tel Aviv went all dark...

Today, because Maya didn't go to the kindergarten I called them and the dialogue was something like this:
Me: Good morning, Ramona, Maya's mother speaking...
Somebody: SO?
(yeah, it was the teacher's helper substitute, a very "well educated" and "polite" person, as you can see. I am sorry I'm not able to replay somehow the bored tone in which she answered...)
Me: I am calling to tell you that Maya is sick...etc...etc...
SO, what to do you expect???

Oh God, I am so pissed off. And on top of everything, I am not feeling well, either. But there is nobody to make me a tea, to buy me medicine, as I am alone as usual. Alone, alone, alone. Nobody to take the burden from my soul, nobody to tell me it is going to be all right, nobody to give me a shoulder to cry on. So I just cry and this feeling of emptiness is burrowed in my chest once again. Sometimes I wake up at night and my heart cringes with fear and pain. I watch my children sleep and I pray to God to give me strenght and keep them healthy. With the rest I can cope...

International Postcard Swap - I'm in!

I remember when I was a kid I loved to receive letters or postcards, especially postcards. We had at home a drawerfull of colorful postcards and I had many happy moments reading them, watching them telling me stories about beautiful places.

I think I stayed a kid (at least at heart) because I got excited when I read this post about an international postcard swap. It is a swap that is aimed at families with young kids, so I thought me and Maya should participate. And in the wake of our trip to Romania I am teaching Maya about different countries and what does it mean to live in Israel or abroad, so I think this is a great oppotunity for some hands-on learning.

If you would like to participate, visit Zoe's blog and read all about the swap.

Busy, Busy, Busy...and Some Raindrops

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I have so many projects going on that I hardly have time to think. That is good, because being so busy means I cannot think to all the things that depress or sadden me. And because I now you are curious about my projects, I'll tell you.
First of all, I try to put together a book of poems, songs and finger-plays in Romanian, for Maya. There is a mommy forum in Romanian where some great mothers had posted their children's favourite poems, songs or stories. There are some on the net, also. I copied a lot of them and now I am in the process of editing the text and adding clip art and pictures. I really want to make it pretty and then be able to read it with my daughter. We don't have many story books in Romanian here and I don't want Maya to forget her mother tongue, so I try to do my best with what I have. This is the most urgent project as I want to finish it as soon as possible.
My husband bought me a laminator and now I want to prepare Maya some worksheets and board games, as I can laminate now everything and this way I don't have to print the same page all over again.
Then, as you know, I am writing a novel...I try to write every night, no matter how tired I am. I know how easy it is to find excuses, so...I am not doing it...I also have to do a lot of research for my book, so I am reading everything I can put my hands on.
Between all this I have to mind Maya, to teach her, play with her...we pretty much do everything together because she likes to "help"...And you know about the "help" of 4 year olds....but I have to encourage her, so I endure everything for her sake...I am not complaining! As long as she's healthy, I am happy...
Not to forget I am a SAHM, so I am doing all the housework by my myself, although here I cheat a lot...well, you win some, you lose some... I am not a big fan of cleaning, cooking and stuff, so I find lots of excuses to postpone them.

But for a moment I want to forget about all this craziness, because today it happened something amazing.It rained! Well, you can laugh as much as you want, but believe me, for us Israelis, rain is manna from Heaven. It doesn't usually rain during this month, the raining season being over, so a true, real rain was a treat. As I went out before it started and I didn't have an umbrella, I enjoyed every cold, wet drop that slithered along the back of my neck. I was soaked when I arrived home, but the feeling was "I am singign in the rain" one...

Thank you God, for these precious moments and for the special people in my life!

The Joy of Discovering New Authors

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I love books, I really do. My house is full of them, to my husband's chagrin as I try to snatch here and there a few moments of reading between house, Maya and other stuff. I even read on the toilet, forget my saying...I am beyond being a bookworm, I am more of a book zombie, because as they crave for flesh I crave the next book like my life depends on it.
I go through a lot of books monthly and I am always thrilled when I discover new authors. This past couple of weeks I discovered two new (for me) authors that write vampire novels. I am a huge fan of the urban fantasy genre and I've liked vamp fiction way before the Twilight craze. I was born in Transilvania, remember? We studied Vlad Tzepesh in school, for crying out loud...About the authors: one of them is known to have written YA thrillers waaaaaaay before you know who - I'm talking about Christopher Pike and his The Last Vampire Series (well, he wrote a whole lot of books, but I've started with the aforementioned series) and Alex Duval with Vampire Beach (I read only the first four novels, there are six in total). I absolutely loved the books! I am no biggie in book reviews, I am the one reading them, I don't like writing about them but I would recommend them for the vampire fiction fans out there. The authors' styles are different, the novels' universes are totally different but the public is the same, as they are aimed at the young adult audience.
I enjoyed them and now I am looking for the next author. Any suggestions?

Hate to See You Going, But...Good Bye!

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I don't feel myself this morning. I had to wake up early (after going to sleep at 2 o'clock in the morning) as I took Maya to the kindergarten today. She didn't want to stay and kept coming after me at the door, I hated leaving her there and I had to took off like an aiplane as I had tears in my eyes and I didn't want her to see me, it would've made things worse. I suppose she'll forget about me after a while.

Then, as I returned home and turned on the PC I gasped in horror as I lost two blog followers !!! It really made me sad as I see my folowers as my friends, being so damn alone in the real world. They really know me better than many people from the "outside" as I pour my heart and soul in this blog. And so I've been asking myself, what did I do wrong? What did I write that made them un-follow me? I know I moan a lot in my blog. I moan and cry and complain and babble and groan and mumble... I don't write inspirational posts. I am alone in this alien country and I miss my home-country a lot. I am sad most of the time and I try to deal with my sadness the best I can. I struggle a lot to accept who I am and I try very hard to improve myself as a person. I had a better life 15 years ago and now I have to come to terms with who I became. I am to be found every night at this desk, trying to write a novel. Writing makes me happy, it gives me motivation, it helps me carry on the day-by-day living I have been doing for a while. I don't do crafts and give-aways (well, I did one and thinking about another one), English is not even my second language, but a foreign language, as I was born in Romania and living in Israel so maybe I am not that clear in my writing as I would like to be. But I'm doing my best, you know. I don't know how to do a lot of things, I am no artist but I love to read and I love my children to bits. I had a lot on my plate lately with my son's motorcycle accident and my daughter's hospitalization and mystery ilness and I am absolutely horrified about getting old. I like to write poems and to meditate and do Yoga and eat ice-cream and I hate extremism and intolerance and I am vegetarian. What else do you want to know? What esle is to say?

I know the persons that un-followed me and I am sad to see them go. But I am not going to change my writing style for that nor I am going to dwell on this more that I feel necessary. Because I am who I am and I started writing this blog in an attempt to cope with being an expat and a second time mother (in my 40') and I have enough on my plate, thank you very much.

So, if you think to drop by, you'll find me here, at this desk, writing my heart and soul. That's me. Good bye!

Oh, Susana!

This morning, while putting away the shopping, I found myself singing. Not humming or murmuring, actually singing from the bottom of my lungs "Oh, Susana".

I have to say, I surprised myself...I has been a while since I sang anything...it has been a while since a laughed wholeheartedly, since I invented a bed-time story for Maya, since I used make-up. It had been a difficult year, when Maya got sick all the frustration and unhappiness that I burried deep into my soul sprang out, with the force of a volcano. I had to put a great efort into containing it, trying to deal with it...I was really afraid I'd fall again into the black pits of depresssion.

But here I am, and summer is almost here and I am looking forward to or trip to Romania and, most important, I write again! After a break of more than 10 years, I write like there is no tomorow...And speaking of tomorrow, I have no idea what the next day will bring, but I am going to enjoy a bit the "today" and maybe sing a bit...What do you say?

"Oh Susanaaaaaaaa..."

Have a great TODAY!

Brilliant, I Forgot What I Wanted to Say

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Between housework, minding Maya (she's been a bit sick these days, the effing cough that bothers her is back again), cooking, washing there is not a lot of time for writing. I usually write at night, after Maya goes to sleep. Unfortunately, she is going to bed very late these days and keeps pestering me to come and tell her a story...With no kindy in the morning, at least I can sleep late and avoid the zombie like state I usually am when I have to wake up early. Selfish, I know.
During the day I have so many things to do it is imposible for me to write. I manage blog posts or Facebook, but not more that that. But, sometimes, the inspiration just hits me, without warning. In the best of situations I am able to jot my thoughts down on some scrap of paper (luckily our house is full of paper bits) and then return to it at night. When I am not that so lucky and I cannot write it down I try to hold to it, to remember it later. When it happens after I go to bed I just wake up and continue writing. In the worst case scenario I simply forget everthing and regret it bitterly afterwards. My muse really gets pissed off when I tend to ignore her so I think she goes to Stephenie Meyers...
It is not easy being a mum and having this constant need to write things. Ridiculous, huh? And I have to say Maya is a demanding kid and I also try to spend as much time doing things together, teaching her, not just plopping her in front of the TV (not that she would complain, she likes watching TV) or the PC.
Hmmm...what was the point of this post, anyway? Of course I started writing it and then I had to feed Maya and play with her and do the dishes and...so I forgot the morale of the bloody thing anyway.
That's it.
I'm out of here.

No Title

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I always cry when I hear the siren on Holocaust Remembrance Day, here in Israel. It makes me sad and it makes me mad, and I ask myself this question over and over again: "How was it possible?" How could the world sit back and do nothing while Jews, together with Gypsies and only God knows who else, where killed, murdered in cold blood...It is almost like a scenario from a horror movie, and still, it is real...I know, people are lazy, they don't really care about what happens outside their fences, but still...you just cannot close your eyes and stuff your ears...can you?
This days fills me with such a feeling of hopelesness, for us, humas...I mean, look around you: wars, terrorism, crimes, rape, you name it, we do it...I think we were gave such a wonderful oportunity, we are "intelligent" creatures, right...are look what we did with it. We kill each other, we destroy everything around us, everything...we domesticated animals only to torture and eat them, we built impressive industries only to pollute everything they touch, we know so much about our planet, only to systematically destroy it.
Maybe in the end we'll all be sorry and pay for it. My only fear is that it will be too late...

My Kind of Day

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Finally, today one of my dreams came true! I was able to spend a few hours by myself, no daughter, no housework...My husband agreed to babysit and I took the bus to spend my Friday morning in Tel Aviv, book-hunting, my favourite past-time!
In my life before Maya I used to travel to Tel-Aviv all the time, it is a mere half an hour drive from Ashdod. I love the city, its character and uniqueness. It is a blend of Occident and Orient, with a dash of Israeliness and I spent a lot of time wandering on its streeets, parks and museums.
Today was a splendid day, April is a good month weather-wise in Israel, not too hot, with a mild sun and a bit of a wind, and the air has not the high humidity of summer. After I just walked for a while, to take in the city life, I went to Halpern's book store, one of the best store for second hand books in English. I remember when I entered the place the first time:I thought I died and went directly to Paradise. Because for me, that's the way Heaven looks like: a small place where your cram as many books as possible, from the floor to the ceiling. And the smell, oh , the smell of books, old and new, rises the level of the endomorphines in my blood instantly.
After that, I met a friend and we drank coffee in one of the coffee shops in TEl Aviv - and there are a lot of them, big and small, old and new, full of people, each of them. A nice Friday in April is good for the coffee business in Tel Aviv. And you just sit and drink and talk and watch the show of life unfolding in front of your eyes...
But the best part...Being with myself, my iPod, my music, my thoughts, just thinking about everything and nothing, not having to check on Maya every five minutes...I was me, the old me, familiar and strange, not the mother or the wife, but Ramona the dreamer, the story weaver, the traveler.
And even best...my husband told me that I should this once a month if I would feel like it...Wicked! And you know what? Everything was fine when I returned home. No catastrophies, no calamities...Maya and my husband spent the morning in the park, did some shopping and I found them at home, playing on the computer.
Believe me, this few hours did me a lot of good! I feel better and I have a sense of achievement...I was able to reconect to my old self and it was good to see it is still there, still part of me. I will definitely try to do it again...

I am Sorry , I am an Idiot (or Vice-versa)

I am such an idiot...I am always babbling away on this blog and I forget the important things. Should I blame it on pre-menopause, hormones or Maya's ailments...Anyways, I received a couple of month ago an award from my friend Aine and I forgot to pass it on to other fellow bloggers. Sorry, guys!
But I am going to mend my wrong-doing today. This award will go to some blogs that I discovered lately, and most of them are related to homeschooling or Montessori. Because Maya stayed at home on account of her being sick I started to "homeschool" her and this blogs were very helpful. This is my way of saying "thank you" to the amazing mothers that are writing them.
So, this award I received moves forward to:
1. Tot Play. I am simply in awe of this mother and the activities she prepares for her daughter.
2.Kami I discovered her blog a while ago, but still have fun reading it

3.Confessions of a Homeschooler - the GURU of homeschooling, I swear!

4.Valerie , because you can have fun on a budget. Her blog has great ideas with not so much money.

5. Mari -Ann - I am in love with her blog...and she lives in Bermuda...
6. Erin - another excellent blog for homeschoolers

7. Miss Muffin - I adore her and her blog!
8. Lala's blog is in Romanian, and a treasure of resources for mothers wanting to use Montessori's method

9. To Sari because I love her
and to

10. Shel, I am so happy I found your blog.

There are so many blogs out there written by fantastic people and I wish I could give them all awards, and thank them, because they inspire me, give me strength and support.

Thank you, fellow bloggers, whoever you are!

Things I Miss Most

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Together with old age comes forgetfulness, people say. But I find myself invaded with memories - from my childhood and adolescence. I think we are more attentive to our surroundings when we are younger, we relate differently to places and people. I am glad I have so many precious memories and I'll do my best to imortalize them somehow. For now, I am writing "list poems" with all the things I had in life but I lost. It can be painful to remeber, but it is a meagre price to pay if you don't want to forget...

Things I miss most - I

I miss the passage between seasons,
spring creeping under winter's snow
snowdrops and crocuses
daffodils,
lily of the valley and frangrant lilac
then
the warm air
mellowing forward summer
walking into the woods
earthen, divine smells
moss and fresh leaves
a million insects buzzing
drunk on the perfumed grass
the icy water of the brook bubling
the changing colors of autumn
orange and red and soft brown
fading into the grey sky of winter
fat clouds full of snowflakes
falling on faces
frozen tears melting

But most of all
I miss the feeling of home
of familiar things
of known places

the peal of church bells
rippling the air
Easter and Christmas
full of laughter
families around dinner tables
ladden with food and crokery
that was handed down from mother to daughter

so many memories kept in tight sealed boxes
invading and painful
beloved things I miss most.

Good Morning!

What can be more beautiful in the morning than the sight of my baby?

Daddy is at home today so a bit of cuddle on the sofa is the best way to start your day...

I wish you all a perfect day, full of laughter, happiness and sunshine! I know I'll have it, even if it means I'll be most tired in the evening...

Easter - Personally

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One should think that living in the Holy Land should be a dream come true for a Christian. Not exactly, no. Maybe if one lives in Jerusalem, in a Christian community or if you come with a mission or you are a pilgrim. Then, yes, Holy Land it is the ultimate Christian experience. Otherwise, for a humble, average, not very dedicated one like myself keeping up the faith is a difficult mission. No church to go when you fell like it, no Easter bunnies and definitely no egg dye. Actually, only here I came to miss the things related to tradition, things back in Romania I took for granted.
Never you mind, I learned to be flexible and to adapt. I have friends that are sending me dye and chocolate bunnies and what I cannot buy I can always make. But what about a church service? I usually watch it on TV or on the net, but if I want the real thing...it can be a bit difficult. The nearest church is in Jaffo, the greek orthodox one where there are services in Romanian, but usually during holy days the church is packed with people and sometimes it is impossible enter the church.
This year Maya's God parents came with an original idea: to go to Emmaus Nicopolis, near Latrun monastery. If you are not familiar with the place and its legend, go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emmaus_Nicopolis, you'll find information there. The place has today a beautiful church situated at the back of the archeological site. I have no idea what rite the church is, I know the service is hold in French, so it was good enough for me.
So, on a beautiful spring night I spend time with a community of worshipers I didn't know, prayed in a language I almost forgot and still, it felt so good! It felt like it should have, no dogmas, no meaningless rituals, just us and the Holy Spirit. And this is the real meaning of Easter, at least the way I got it. You keep your faith in your heart, you don't have to wear it on your sleeve. You pray because you want to, not because someone says so. Do more and speak less, something like this... Jesus died for our sins, He actually DID IT, so we got a second chance, didn't we? Well, we'll better not blow it this time...
Happy Easter!