Thursday, July 23, 2009

Me, Maya and God

The Hands of God...Image by Javier Ruata via Flickr


Since Maya was born, I 've become a lonely person...Well, I was kinda lonely even before, you know, the loneliness when sorrounded by lots of people and noise...But for three years I am ALONE. Almost.

My husband goes to work every day in the morning and returns in the evenings, spends half an hour- an hour with Maya then he puts her to sleep (Maya refuses point blank to be put to sleep by anyone else than her daddy) then he watches his favourite series - "House M.D."then falls asleep. Darie (my son) was in the army and now started working. And with him, that's another story....At 23 he's so self absorbed he doesn't care much for anything else. And he also works long hours, then goes to the gym and meets with friends. I think. I hope. I don't know a lot about my son's private life. It is very frustrating, but I guess I have to let him go and live his life the ways he thinks he wants.

And this leaves me at home for almost 12 hours every day alone, only with Maya. In the beginning I was petrified, I was so afraid to be alone with her. She was so tiny and vulnerable and I was responsible for her. Well, that was my depression thinking for me. I had a few panic attacks, as well. I am usually able to control them, I have my relaxation and breathing exercises, but the didn't work 100 percent , all the time. Sometimes the fear overhelms me and I surrender to it.

But I have another weapon. I pray. Yes, I pray. When I am afraid that something bad will happen, when I panic and my heart starts pounding in my chest I pray. I am not a very religious person but I am a believer. And I do believe in the power of a prayer...

Everything I feel it has been amplified since I am a mother. My fears, my uncertainties, even the symptoms of certain ilnesses. I am afraid to be sick because I won't have the strenght to look afer my kids, especially Maya. I know I have to be strong, healthy and lucid but somehow I manage to lose my grip on self-control, so I pray. Our Father, Thou Art in Heaven, help me. Hallowed be Thy Name. Thy Kingdom come. I am so small and insignifiant, I know, but I am in such I dire need of You in my life. Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. I have nobody else to listen to me, to confort me, to make me think clear. .Give us this day our daily bread.And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Just let me feel the greatness of your Love. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Please God, I have nobody to turn my face to but You. Amen.

By the time I finish my prayer, I feel calmer somehow, more serene, better. And I am able to survive another day, to move on to the next battle...

It is late and I am very tired. As usual. Tomorow is Friday and so much to do!

Night night, whoever you are...

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4 comments:

Hevel Cohen said...

I always thought that the amount of Jewish prayers was too much. Now as I pray more I am strating to find a very special connection, and not only with G-d, but with myself as well. Helps me cope, too!

Tami said...

I pray too, and let me tell you my Lord and Savior saves me from my thoughts. My thoughts can be cancerous at times. It's then he saves me from the enemy!

Alone in Holy Land said...

I am not a very religious person, as i said, but I do believe in God and praying to Him gives me the strenght to go on with my daily struggle...

Chavah Kinloch said...

I can really relate to a lot of your posts! I have definitely had these feelings and get through it the sae way as you. Well done, keep on going. You're much stronger than you realise.